I haven't been here in a while because I've felt too ill to contribute to anything.

Everything's taken a turn for the worse lately. I think I may be spiralling into depression.

I feel emotionless. I can't sit still. I can't focus enough to read, write or listen.

I can't sleep or nap.

I don't enjoy anything. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I can't go for walks because I get faint.

I can't play my guitar because my hands are numb and tingly all the time. It's hard to move them where I want to. This is probably upsetting me the most at the moment, if I could feel upset.

I feel like I keep going in and out of consciousness, even though I'm awake. It's like time jumps about.

My memory is dreadful. I met a couple of new people this week and I'm already forgetting what we talked about, what they looked like even. It's horrible and makes me feel hopeless.

I took on a bit of work but now I'm going to have to stop. It took me 20 hours to do what should have taken one. It completely floored me.

I can't seem to do anything other than sit and stare at the walls. And then I fall asleep, wake in the morning and wish I hadn't.

I'm so sorry Andromeda. I know how you feel. Welcome back. Anxiety and depression lately have gotten me down. I am on Neurontin for pain and anxiety 3x a day and am starting up Cymbalta again. It's a killer living like this for sure. With the Cymbalta, emotionally I am starting to feel better, but the morning sickness and nausea leaving something to be desired. My PCS kept going on because of anxiety and depression which is what my psychiratist found out, it was being prolonged. They diagnosed me with PTSD, because it seems the anxiety and depression only start up when either I am alone or thinking about my injury. My PTSD makes me think about the head injury way too much, and sometimes I have frightening flashbacks that leave me well, disabled. If you need to vent, I am here for you and so are the other people here on this board. Also I recommend seeing a therapist and perhaps a neuropsych if you can. It will help you cope a bit.

Dear Andromeda,

Sorry to hear about your present state.
You have my sympathy.
Please know this however painful and exasperating is a temporary blip. You will come out of the other side. Our brains, even a healthy one sometimes shuts down to protect it. This is what is happening to you.
I know it can seem frightening but it will not last. Keep telling someone how you feel or writing it on here.

Tomorrow you must make a plan for the day. You must accomplish 1 task. It may be to go to the shop and buy milk, or to change your bed, or wash your hair. Whatever task you choose, make it simple.
When you have accomplished your task you will feel ok about it. Then tomorrow night plan what you will do on friday. Try having coffee with a friend who will listen to you. Go for a little walk before 1pm when the sun is at its strongest.

Drink lots of water and eat 3 small meals thru the day. Avoid alcohol and smoking.

Are you on any drugs/meds at moment?

No matter how bad you feel, it is just a chemical reaction and will fade. If however you at any time feel suicidal call a local help line or a friend and tell them how you feel.

Take care, I want to hear how you are!!

To be honest, I feel suicidal. I don't know how to ask for help, though. I can't be sad. I can't be depressed. The relationships I have are not strong enough to deal with this and I'll only end up alienating myself from people by telling them. The best I can do is pretend I'm okay.

I don't really want to phone a helpline. They can't do anything and it will just upset me. I don't want to tell a doctor in case they put me in hospital.

You may want to reconsider calling a help line. They may have some simple resources for you. You likely need some simple contact and conversation. I think about how i did better before my two beagles died. Simple interactions with them was a big help. Another thing to try is to establish routines. Do these routines daily or so.

There are senior citizen programs that focus on just that, routine contact without any important function besides simple contact. You relationships are likely built on the pre-injury you. Some post injury new relationships may help. The help line may be able to put you in touch with a resource for this.

I know how miserable and empty it can be. I have been sick with a head cold and unrelenting head aches once Saturday. The desire to find relief can be overwhelming. It got me started reminiscing about by beagles. That got me distracted online checking out beagle rescue organizations.

The distraction helped.

My best to you.

Andromeda I am so sorry you feel so down. You always made my day brighter in the past and I wish I could return that now. I have never seen you but am sending a big mental hug your way. I wish I Had the words to express how much your posts in the past meant to me. Someone once told me we are diamonds in the rough and the world is like a rock tumbler polishing us. I bet you are so brilliant it would hurt the eyes.

I know it seems scary to try to get help, but it really sounds like you need to. It's a scary thing to put out there, that you are that down, but once you do people can help you deal.

When I first started my CBT therapy, I had to fill out a depression scale. I remember checking off that I felt suicidal in a mental haze and hoping that she wouldn't hospitalize me but knowing I needed help immediately. We talked through what I was feeling, and it turned out a listening ear made all the difference. She has been a rock for me throughout the past 8 months or so as I've started to try things from my old life with my new brain.

Most mental health providers will make emergency appointments for new patients that are under such painful duress. I urge you to call the helpline or find a therapist asap.

I also agree with whoever said that routine will help. I once read in a book about the holocaust that people could tell who was going to die in a concentration camp first, because they stopped doing what few routine things they could do, like make their bunk or wash themselves, etc. Its odd, but when all this happened after the first few weeks when I realized I would be down for a long time, I remember this and started a routine for myself everday. Nothing major. But everyday when my boyfriend got up for work, I would pack his lunch and then have breakfast. I would then make a VERY small list of things I would do throughout the day. For example, take a short walk, watch a tv show, and make a phone call. Nothing to overdo it. But a few small things, with long rest periods in between. It made me feel less helpless that I atleast had some control over some aspect of my life.

Don't give up hope. Depression is a wild animal. Sadly the more depressed you get, the less able you are to pull yourself out, especially with a head injury on top of it. Get help, so you don't have to suffer with this all by yourself.

We are all here for you! You can private message me if you need to vent. I'm always here. ((hug))

I have friends who are therapists, and while I know the quality can vary, it really is important to at least call a help line and maybe get a consult as Mark says.

I am battling a bad head cold and the boomerang headaches, and then a huge wave of depression/blues/frustration at feeling so fatigued and lifeless hit.

With pcs/mbti, the psyche is an important system that is also out of balance. If you are not sleeping, this may be a huge factor in the spiraling effects of depression and suicidal thoughts. They won't hospitalize you necessarily for the thoughts/ideation, but they may be alarmed if you take it to the next step and go on to develop concrete plans.

This is such a hard recovery process. You may need some temporary medicine to help you sleep or for your psyche. Or just brief human contact via a help line or a brisk sit outside in the fresh air.

Be kind to yourself-I think it is so natural what you are feeling. There are options out there to help soothe. Big hugs.

Thanks. The dog ploughed through my bedroom door this morning to wake me up. He's never done that before. He hasn't left me since. I think he knows something's wrong.

Going to stay with a friend for a few days. I might talk to my GP when I get back.

Andromeda,
I am so in the same place as you. My heart goes out to you. I hope you made it through today. I will pray for us both. I know what you mean by not having any relationships that are strong enough to tell this kind of thing to. It would only make it worse. I would probably willingly check myself in to the hospital but I am afraid they won't give me my medication and withdrawal from morphine, ambian and some other drug I forgot the f-ing name of is the last thing I want. I feel bad enough. Love to you.