I haven't contributed much lately around here. I don't feel I'm in the position to help anyone and I think I've used up my quota of quasi-intelligent questions. At this point I'm left with just complaining. So be warned, herein lies my unloading. It's not pretty.


My progress since injury in late Oct 2012 is disheartening to me, yet I feel like I live in two different worlds.


In the "real" world this "recovery" is going on four months now, which is incredibly long. (To WCB, to my workplace, to ALL doctors, to the neuro psych assigned to me by WCB, to my family waiting for me to return to normal, that strong career mom they couldn't even keep up with)


In the injured world, and my inner world, I'm "early" in recovery. Odd, how this is the only world where the four long months are downplayed. The same four months makes the "real world" freak out, yet here it's like misery has only just begun. I'm in baby stages of this long, long miserable journey which seemingly never ends in recovery.


I've been seen by a psychiatrist ordered by WCB who says I'm not depressed. I've been seen by a neuro psych ordered by WCB who says I'm likely only a couple months away from recovery, he's "quite positive" I'll recover at six to eight months. (No full report yet, cpl weeks at least til it's ready)


Yet I feel depressed to the point of giving up just like everyone else. I'm no braver. I'm not dealing well. I know it's good that the psychiatrist reported to WCB that I'm not depressed so they didn't toss me aside as not injured. I'm just afraid he's very wrong and I am thus left without help or therapy for these thoughts.


If I'm not depressed why do I long to just disappear? Why do I feel so alone? I dare not admit it! Because I know if WCB catches wind that I'm depressed, well then I'm cut off and working!


The NP testing last week had me disabled with pain for a week afterwards, to today. Pain brings his friend, despair. I have cried more in the last week than since injury all together.


I even think I did too well on the NP testing because (sorry this will sound arrogant but it's poetic justice that I'll never get it back) prior to injury I was fairly intelligent and my brain was my favourite thing about me. I fear I did too well based on his comments saying I did very well besides short term memory and processing.


I am terrified I'll be forced back to work soon. (Not even close to ready, not that it matters. It's a matter of WHEN I return to work to lose my job, not if. My career is over, in casino marketing and events there's no room for slow people who can't multitask in a bright noisy place) Well meaning folk say its too early to decide that. But there are some things about the self, that you just KNOW, right to your core. I will not perform well in that environment and I'd never hire myself (this new self) for that job. Can't expect to keep it.


My relationship is buckling under this pressure. My cardiac patient husband should not be subjected to caregiving stress but he is. It wears on him and I feel so guilty I'd rather die than be a burden to him. He is exhausted and thus really wants me to be better. He wants relief. I want to give it to him. His recovery is paramount. He could live another ten, twenty years if he could reduce stress.


I'm nothing but a source of stress for him. If/when his next heart attack hits it will be largely my fault. He's doing everything right, exercising and eating right. The only factor left to hurt him, is stress that I bring, because he's got to care for me and I'm no longer a productive partner.


The only thing holding me here is my son. He is my only sunshine in a very dark world.


I have not one friend left. Not one. They don't want to hear this misery. I'm formerly their entertainment. Now I serve no purpose. Platitudes are all they can offer me anyway. What a pitiful remnant of superficial relationships.


My son is returning to hockey today after his concussion five weeks ago. He has done very well in recovery and wants to play. Hockey coach dad, wants him to play. Doc cleared him to play. Causes me anxiety like I cannot even express.



I'm powerless since no one in the family listens to me anymore. Just Mom crying again. They are tired of me being someone they don't remember. In her pitiful earplugs and perpetual frown.(I don't try to frown. I can't concentrate and thus brow furrows trying)


Husband says you're never happy anymore. Well gee I'm sorry. There's an axe in my head. And some other things I forget.


Today I saw my relatively new GP. He had me on Elavil 10 mg at bedtime for the last 2 weeks. It improves my sleep but not pain. He says to up the dose to 20 mg. I guess we'll try.


Then he says brightly "well, you look better than you did last time. You're talking better. Less stuttering and your thoughts seem better organized." Well my husband jumps all over that and says "yes she is getting better."


Of course. Because if everyone says it enough to me, it will just magically happen? I was so insulted. Like my pain is just some positive thoughts away from being vanished! Positive thinking cures all! It's a miracle!


I'm sure they thought it was encouraging. Doesn't everyone think they're encouraging? Plus, they want it over. No one likes the long haul.


What am I doing to recover? I'm relaxing. Doing acupuncture as ordered. Tried light exercising when I was doing better before the NP setback. It hurt. Now I can't imagine when I'll be ready to try those measly five slow minutes on a recumbent bike again. And who are we kidding. Five minutes slowly on a bike is helpful in what way? None. It just brings pain.


I'm taking prescribed meds. I'm icing my neck every single day sometimes many times a day. I don't watch TV, blah blah, eating right, supplementing.


So the doc sees me on a less awful morning and says oh hey! You're recovering! And my husband takes that to the bank and cashes it.


So how will it go when I crash again, because ALL of these crashes come and go? This latest crash took ALL of my hope away. I am skeptical of recovery. I think we only get to a point of admitting some defeat and utilizing work arounds yet living forever changed. The NP test would be equivalent to a workday for me. And it ruined me to this day, with intense pain and total brain fog.


No post it notes are going to help me there. Seriously what are we left with?


And if I try to convince husband or doctor that I, in fact, feel awful but have been just trying to cope, they will say I'm being negative. And we all know how positivity is a miracle cure if I just accept it. Best not work against that miraculous positivity!


It's all bunk to me. Everyone telling me how I am. No one asking, really asking, how I am. Or who I am now. Because I feel forever changed and no one wants to deal with that.


And the only place I can unload is here, and I've likely alienated most of you with this post. I hope not. I hope at least one of you makes it through and isn't turned off by this despair. If you were I do apologize. I have nowhere else to be real.