[MsRriO]

Anyone else out there that has gone through their caregivers burning out?


My husband has enough on his plate with recovering from his heart attack nine months ago, and dealing with his own very stressful job. He is really struggling to cope with all the extra duties since my injury. He does all the grocery shopping, all meal preparation, general cleaning, all laundry, all vehicle maintenance and house/yard maintenance, plus majority of parenting outings, coached hockey, plus his own job and daily workouts.


The guy just falls into bed exhausted every night and I feel so much guilt.


I'm wondering if (even though I'm in a lot of pain) I should just do more and push through it, to relieve him. I hate to see him stressed out and carrying burdens, the biggest of which is me. Is that what you all do to prevent caregiver burnout? Just do more?


I do try to do things when I feel less awful, but every time I try more, in a couple days I hurt more again. Today for example is a typical Sunday. I'm fried by this time because of having to be a family participant all weekend. Once they return to school and work I have some relief in the daytime. (Sweet solitude and silence)


I wish I could repay him or give him a well deserved break. I hate contributing to his stress level. What would you do?

[Brain patch]

Hello MsRrio,
I also worry about being a burden. My poor mom is taking care of my dad with Parkinson's disease and me with traumatic brain injury. I like you feel bad about it all the time.
What I do is I help with housework when I can. I take breaks often but manage to do laundry, clean bathroom, keep my rooms clean. I try to get the pressure off her by being home with my dad and looking after him while my mom gets away and goes shopping or to lunch with her sister and friends.
Just try to do some small thing each day that helps like a few loads of laundry or if your feeling especially good the dishes. You need to get your kids to help more. Have them take out garbage and do anything they can do.
If you have a day or some days when you can't do anything. Don't worry about it so much. Lower your standards. I know it is hard but everything does not have to be all done and clean all the time. Do what you can and don't worry about the rest. There are some activities that your husband is doing that he could cut out. Like the sports coaching etc. He may be dealing with it just fine and it is just you worried about it. Have you asked him?
Hang in there. I know it is hard having to be on the sidelines when your used to doing it all. Remember lower expectations.
Brain

["Starr"]

No advice here, just wondering how you manage to find someone to be a caregiver??

I hit my 1 year anniversary last month and since my injury, I've been the one responsible for laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, meal prep, managing the garbage, chauffeuring... the only household thing I get out of is vacuuming and walking the dogs.

I still run the hobby farm side of things with the goats and chickens, I do all the mucking, snow removal, picking up loads of hay, unloading hay, chores 4 times a day, hoof trimming, etc.

I'm still responsible for schedule the vehicles for maintenance and taking them there, in the summer, I cut grass with the riding mower (sounds easy but the bouncing around and noise is brutal).

We're just about to start a bathroom/laundry room reno that will find me painting, plumbing and installing hardwood flooring.

Clearly, I'm doing something very wrong. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. Where do *I* find me a caregiver?!
Starr

[cyclecrash]

Finding a "caregiver" would just be more work to add to your list! You'd have to find time in your busy schedule to go out and look for one. They are VERY hard to find, in fact most of them are probably already taken!

don't have one either but my husband has tried a little. Its not the physical stuff I need the most help with anyhow its the brain work! I do all the planning, decision making, problem solving, etc from big stuff down to little minor things (should I eat this with a fork or spoon is a recent example) and sometimes I wish he'd use his brain and let mine rest!

MsRrio, this might be an example of what my neurosurgeon was talking about where you might get more benefit by trying little things instead of resting more. Perhaps you would feel happier/less stressed if you made a simple supper to help out even if it causes a slight increase in symptoms at first?

You will learn workarounds that will help make it easier and you will feel a sense of accomplishment when done. Up until this last month or so it was very strict rule that nobody could talk to me while I was cooking. My husband had to help in silence if it was something he could help me with or go away till I was done! Try and make something huge on a quiet day when they're not home so you have leftovers for busy weekends.

If you have a bit more energy in the morning, put something in a slow cooker so its done when you're tired at dinner time. I find weekends when everyones home exhausting too. Perhaps you need some strategies to get through those days better. More quiet?

I know you still have lots of symptoms but what are the worst ones now and who are you seeing? Are you still seeing the neuropsych or was it just for the test? Any results yet? Are you seeing anyone else (physio, eye dov, etc)

I hope I haven't worded any of this wrong. I'm not thinking too clearly today but I wanted to try to help. Take care
CC

[Su seb]

The only way you are going to get out of doing them, is to stop doing them. Then either they don't get done, you ask someone else to do them or someone picks up the slack.
I like doing everything. But I can't anymore. This weekend I really wanted to go to the grocery store by myself and try to pick up about fifteen things. I couldn't handle it. I cried the whole way home and it ruined my day. The visual and mental stimulation was too much.
Sometimes we need to learn new ways of getting things done. I haven't figured it out yet. It sucks.

[Su seb]

And yes me husband is sick of this. I think he is also embarrassed by it. He is a businessman and we are expected to entertain clients and my brain doesn't work well enough for eloquent conversation.

[MiaVita2012]

I need one but I am already out of the acute stage(thank higher power)My parents are taking care of my love because I have to do me and all the MDs say it's not being selfish...I struggle with this but my love needs me when I get better...

My love is in a safe place and taken care of and loved. My mother takes me to some of my appts like vestibular because I can't drive and she does not trust any community support to drive me...

Otherwise I try to clean which is hard after a hour because I have to put a back brace on and I do not suppose to bend over at all...seems like a very hard task!lol!Never thought any of this....I know when my jaw gets wired shut I will need a lot more help but do not trust some random person in my house like that. Keep you head up

[Mokey]

Very tough for the caregiver. I am so lucky to have a spouse who did most of the laundry and kitchen cleaning before my accident....now he does even more, plus most of the hauling kids around, making school lunches early every morning, all of the outdoor work, bill payments, etc. plus spends all of his free waking hours on the internet looking for tips, solutions, promising new avenues of research on brain injury, etc.

having said all that, I worry about the 18 months (today ) that he has been upset and angry about the jerk that knocked me down because of his own recklessness.

This morning, when I told him (after waking up with a very bad headache....again) that I hated this injury...he said 'I don't know who I can punch'. This from a man who believes in non-violence and has never thrown a punch in his life. The stress on care givers and family members who care (not all do) is enormous. The toll on THEIR health is enormous.

I always struggle between hiding my own suffering and letting it show in order to get the support I need to get through this hell.

We need to know that despite having a brain injury, we can also find comfort and strength in supporting others, even in limited ways. A little love goes a long way.
Sigh.