So I've been in denial in a variety of ways for about 2 1/2 years and am now trying to deal with things. I'm normally a highly intuitive person and often have felt like I should have been therapist. My friends call me to help them through their problems. But here I am, with no real sense of my own reality. How did this happen? And what do I do now?

Okay, so my most recent case of denial has been that I am okay besides my vision-related issues. My cognitive symptoms--ie mental fogginess, memory problems, problems concentrating--have resolved, leaving me with mostly my normal ADHD symptoms, but I still have no energy, no motivation, and very little stamina. Trouble is, I've always been a bit lethargic and lacking motivation, so I tend to blame myself for something that I'm sure is related to my PCS. I can't help but feel like I'm making excuses for myself, that I should be able to get it together.

I find myself wasting my days doing nothing. I don't do things I enjoy or tasks that make me feel a sense of accomplishment. I just do nothing and I can't seem to stop myself from falling into that stupor. I end up feeling depressed and worthless. I am at a stage in my recovery where I can do more, so why aren't I? My therapist thinks maybe it is out of fear, but I honestly do not know if that is correct. I know I am having some issues with depression and am considering medication again, but I don't feel like it's depression that is causing me to act this way. It feels more like depression is the result of this behavior. Or am I just deluding myself again? I just don't know what end is up anymore!

So right now, my daughter still in daycare, because we were waiting until I was ready to be more social before keeping her home to stay with me during the day. My husband and I were just afraid that she wasn't going to get enough social interaction, because she's very used to playing with other kids all the time. In retrospect, I wish that I had her home with me sooner. She'll be home with me starting the second week of May. So here's an example of a typical day for me as of late:

7:00 am: get up and get my daughter ready for daycare
8:30: drop her off at daycare
8:45: pick up groceries
9.30: unload groceries and do some dishes and kitchen clean up while talking on the phone to my mom.
10:15: get laundry going
10:30: mess around on Internet
11:00: tidy up around the house/more laundry
11:30: eat lunch and watch tv
12:15: do physical therapy while watching tv
1:00: watch tv, feel worthless, think of all the things I could be doing
1:45: write in my journal about how worthless I feel
2:15: mess around on my phone while a timer I set in the kitchen to motivate myself to get off my butt goes off every ten seconds
2:30: turn off the timer, do laundry
2:45: scurry around the house trying to accomplish a few household chores so it looks like I've had a productive day
4:45: welcome husband and daughter home and spend the next few hours caring for/playing with daughter and cooking dinner for family.
8:00: put daughter to bed
8:15: clean up kitchen
8:45: talk to husband and watch tv
10:30: lay in bed and play games on my phone until I feel tired
11:00: fall asleep

Writing that, I just feel so pathetic! Any advise would be appreciated. Not sure what to do with myself!

Yes. I know exactly what you are going through. A lot of that is related to brain injury, not necessarily depression, although that is common.

We are our brain, so injury can affect ALL parts of our life...our thoughts, motivations, feelings, desires, etc.

I struggle with denial, acceptance, and trying to find the sweet spot - refusing to give up, accepting I had a terrible injury, wanting to do more, or accepting I still need to heal.

On a side note...I have tried amantadine (100mgs) a few different times ...for me it helps get past what you have described. It affects my sleep, so i have gone off it when I really feel the insomnia is too much. BUT! I had to try it again because my past three weeks since stopping have been really awful....lethargy, headaches, no energy, sitting in a room alll day, not able to have energy for my kids. Three days back on it, and I notice a difference again. If you can tolerate it, I would suggest you talk to your doctor about it. Lots of research that supports using it,,,,has been around sunce the 60s and is well tolerated by most people. It works on the dopamine levels....neurotransmittors....etc. Let me know if you have any questions,
In the meantime be kind to yourself.

I am already on Adderall for my ADHD, tried upping the dose but couldn't tolerate it. I used to on Wellbutrin and it really worked for me, but several doctors have told me its not usually prescribed along with Adderall.
This sucks because it's the only thing that's ever helped me. I'm not sure that my new doc would prescribe it. Anyway, you'd think the Adderall would help with the lethargy and it does most days, but not enough!

Wish there was more I could do to address this problem . . .

I'm trying to force myself to do my physical therapy, but I just feel so heavy, like I can't move. I don't know that my will power can overcome this feeling. It hasn't in the past week! I just need to force myself, but I can't seem to. I'm so bummed about this.

I have problems with that too-- and sometimes I find that it's my imagination that actually saves me. If I can get up the energy to imagine something super epic, it gives me what I need.

Also, validating small steps in yourself. For instance, I may not have made it to tai chi in time the other day, but I got up and got ready! LIKE A BOSS

If you give yourself a little mental soundtrack when you're listless, sometimes it can help pick you up. I've got a few go-to songs I'll be happy to share when I can post links

I guess adderall is similar? Don't know. I know some kids take amantadine for adha. One doctor suggested amantadine as a first choice and then other adhd medicine if that did not work.

Hang in there. It is hard to get used to this...and there are good days and bad days! I had a better day today...went into a cell phone store for 15 minutes and was able to purchase something. Could not have done that 9 months ago. Progress! Baby steps all the time. Take care.

It's brave of you to talk about this. I think many here can understand. I'm still in the first six months (sorry I can't remember how far along you are in your PCS struggle) and have noticed such a wide variety of symptoms that come and go, it's impossible to know if it's all PCS related.

I guess what I try to do lately (to spare myself added anxiety that causes worsening symptoms) is address the symptom without trying to determine if its from PCS or not because it doesn't really solve it any faster, know what I mean?

I think you should give yourself the same compassion you show other people and cut yourself some slack. Be your own good listener! You deserve a good friend like you! You may be suffering some depression, and the chicken/egg quandary of whether its caused by PCS or inactivity won't make you feel any better, any faster. It may just be a slump but from the sounds of it, it's the kind of apathy and lack of motivation that would be classified as depression. I'm no expert, I just really relate to your post.

Strangely enough I relate not because of PCS but years before I was injured, I had major depression. Your post sounds like the self doubt and guilt that I felt back then. There is always help and hope.

Something I find interesting especially among us moms:

People who suffer mental illness often fight the good fight with the uninformed masses, shouting "it's not weakness! It's not a choice!" from the rooftops if we are supporting someone else's struggle. But amid our own thoughts, about ourselves, when no one but us can hear, I think we blame ourselves. We seem to need a syndrome to blame for our depression when in itself it's an illness, not a choice. Mechanically our brains are not coping with life, yet we blame ourselves. That's like blaming the driver for ditching the car when the brakes fail. What else was the driver supposed to do? Mechanically, the support system didn't work!

For example if you think your mood and motivation is affected by PCS you feel more justified than if it's not. Is that because, without PCS as the cause, you blame yourself for not feeling well, in your own quiet thoughts? Not trying to get you to answer, just trying to get you to give yourself a break. The same grace you show other people, show to yourself. I think posting your story was so awesome. You seem like you suspect you may need more "mechanical" help, and I think you should seek it. And I think you need a hug!

Hope this helps, even just to know that with or without PCS, it's a relatable tale.

Thanks for making me laugh! I need as many laughs as I can get. I think it's because I'm doing sooooo well in terms of overcoming my other symptoms that I'm having such a hard time dealing with other things. I felt really depressed last night! So I'm just going to try to do better today at fighting the inertia but try to be more forgiving toward myself!

I think my lack of creativity is what is really getting to me. I just keep myself in a deadened, numb state of mind, which makes creativity impossible. I can be creative when I try, but I can't seem to try. That will be my primary goal for every day this week. Housework will come second. If I talk to my husband about how I'm feeling instead of hiding it from him, maybe that will give me the push I need to do what's best for myself?

I checked out Amantidine, and it's listed as an antiviral drug, which is weird! I guess this must be one of its secondary uses? It actually has no drug interactions with Adderall, which is an amphetamine. I'm considering trying a new ADHD med, unless my doc has another idea or thinks the Amantidine might work for me.

Congrats on your progress! It's been 2 1/2 years since my first PCS symptoms and 8 months since the car accident that led to my diagnosis. I remember what it was like trying to go to Carter's to buy some clothes for my baby and feeling like the saleswoman was looking at me like I was from another planet because I felt like i WAS on another planet. I've come so far since then. I believe I'm getting better, and you are too! PCS is just such a difficult constellation of symptoms that it's hard to keep a good perspective. I find coming to this site to be helpful in that respect, so thanks!

Today WILL be a good day!

Your post made me cry, but in the best way possible! I really NEEDED to hear all of that. I know I am my worst critic. I've always been this way. I find it incredibly hard to be compassionate toward myself, and I feel like a coward, not brave at all. (Like, I would never be picked for Gryffindor! Lol!)

You are totally right about there being no real benefit in determining the cause of my symptoms. It doesn't really matter if it's the depression or the brain injury. I just have to address it in whatever way I can and try to move forward. Thanks for giving me that shift in perspective! I'm too emotionally confused at this moment to figure it out for myself!

I seriously didn't realize I was depressed until I read the letter my therapist wrote to my insurance company in order to appeal the termination of my short-term disability. At that point, I told him, "I haven't really thought of myself as depressed, but I guess I am." The reason why I didn't realize it was that over 10 years ago, I suffered a terrible depression, verging on psychotic, since I was having hallucinations. I had to tell my roommate to get all sharp objects out of the house, because I just didn't trust myself. I was seeing a psychologist three times a week and a psychietrist once a month. What I'm feeling now is nothing like what I felt then! So I didn't recognize the depression for what it was. It just kind of snuck up on me and took the wheel.

Thank you for your compassion. I really needed to read what you had to say. It's restored my feeling that I'm not just wasting time on this board (which has been one of my many self criticisms lately). Both to give support and to receive it is so important when dealing with the struggles of PCS. It is nice not to feel so alone and to feel like you are helping others. I hope you can go on with your day knowing that you reached out and helped a stranger through some difficult emotions (and probably other people going through similar emotions!) Hugs to you!