About a month ago I reconnected with a man I had gone out with a long time ago. We have been together almost every weekend and evening since. I joked that we were getting to know each other again on steroids. We were both having fun and enjoying each others company. We both couldn't wait to see each other that day and were getting closer and closer. My faith in relationships was being restored day by day. We were happy.

The other morning I got a text from him saying he didn't know what happened but he felt like he was beat up. He had scratches, bruises, and a very sore shoulder. He also said his tongue was all cut up. I didn't hear from again until early evening when his son texted me and said he was in the ER. I didn't get to talk to this man until the next morning when he told me he didn't remember anything from the night before.
He didn't remember me being at his place for dinner or how he got so beat up. The more we have talked the past few days I realize he barely knows me and none of the time we spent together this past month. The doctors determined he fell and was unconscious for quite a while. He has a concussion. The accident happened last Wednesday night and he still does not remember a lot. He also doesn't remember any of his work or events that have happened in at least the past month. There are some things from even longer he can't remember. He told me he has been trying to picture his deceased mothers face and can't.

He's still in the hospital and for the first time he told me tonight he has a bad headache. He expects to be released tomorrow. I'm heartbroken for what he's going through and also for all the time we have lost and never recover. I have never experienced another person who went through this and it's all so surreal to me to be sitting next to him knowing he barely knows me.

I'm hoping those of you who have experienced this can give me some advice. I have no idea where to go from here. I don't want to give up on this relationship that had so much potential for happiness yet I don't want to confuse him further and slow his recovery. His memory is good in the long term so he does remember friends and family. Just not me. He told me the other night we will just have to start over again but after reading up on what he will be going through I see that is not going to be an easy thing to do.
I really care about this man. Should I continue to force myself into his life or should I leave him alone. I want to be there for him and help him any way I can but I also don't want to confuse him even more.

Any help you can give me will be greatly appreciated.

Tanya

Tanya,

Welcome to NeuroTalk. Sorry to hear about what happened to your friend.

What have you read that has you so scared about his future and yours ?

There are a few links about mTBI in the Vitamins sticky thread at the top. Look at the bottom of the first post. They will help you understand.

In the short term, I suggest you try to be a quiet steady presence in his life. If he is confused about you, you could tell him about specific times together, maybe a weekend. His memory about you may come back. The brain can be a finicky organ. It can forget something but give it just the right clues and the memory comes flooding back.

My wife will ask me about something and I will respond that I don't have any memory of that situation. She can start telling me about it and halfway through her comment, my memory suddenly kicks into gear and remembers.

The vitamin regimen in that sticky post will help his brain battle the toxins from the injury.

Could he have been a victim of "The Knockout Game" ? Street kids attack and try to knock out random unsuspecting people just for the thrill. Sometimes, they video it for YouTube.

If you give him some time and ask us questions as you go along, you will learn about a hidden part of the population. We are the invisible wounded. Understanding this injury can broaden your ability to be a part of the lives of others with mTBI. Many soldiers who have been in Iraq or Afghanistan have varying degrees of this same set of injury caused symptoms. He is not alone and you will not be either.

You may be of help by finding a brain injury support group to attend. www.BIAUSA.org has a referral to local chapters and support groups.

What city and state are you both in ?

Please hang in there. If you are the only one to seek understanding, you may be the way his family learns about his injury. Pass the links along.

My best to you.

I'm not quite sure if this is the area where I reply or not but here goes anyway. Thank you Mark for your thoughtful and informative post. My friend was apparently unconscious for a long time according to his doctors. He was also kept in the hospital for 5 days. From what I am reading these two things could constitute a severe TBI and recovery could be much longer. I am hoping and praying for him to have a speedy recovery. It looks like I will not being playing a part in that because he barely remembers me. All I can do now is be there for him if he calls. I will send these links to his son. Thank you again so much. Tanya

Hi Tanya. Welcome to NeuroTalk. Let me add my experience and perspective on this.

My TBI was considered moderate to severe. My GCS upon hospital admission was 11. I had a skull fracture and an epidural hematoma that required an emergency craniotomy. I was in ICU for a month, which I don’t remember; in total the doctors estimated about 5 weeks of post traumatic amnesia. After ICU I was transferred to the neuro-rehabilitation unit of the same hospital where I spent 4 additional weeks in-patient rehab.

After 3 additional months of outpatient therapy, a neuropsychological assessment showed a return to normal cognitive functioning. I returned to work a few weeks later.

I tell you all this because people can and do recover from serious TBIs. In a post-hospital visit with the neurosurgeon who performed the craniotomy he said “I didn’t tell your family this the night of the accident, but I didn’t think you were going to make it”. Two and half years later I am here to tell you that it’s way too early to give up hope. FWIW I didn’t know who my family was early on when I was in ICU.

Only you can determine what your involvement with his recovery will be. If as you say you don’t want to give up on the relationship, then don’t.

The very best to you both.

Thanks so much for your remarkable story, Lightrail. I'm very encouraged by it and so happy for you to have made such a quick and complete recovery. The one thing I am learning about PCS is there are no two stories exactly alike. Each one is very unique. I think my friend was released from the hospital yesterday. I know he is going to be very tired and overwhelmed so I am not contacting him. I have only been back in his life after about 12 years for a month so I don't feel I can intrude right now. Fortunately is son is keeping in contact with me to let me know how he is. All I feel I can do right now is let them know I am here if they need me and pray for him to have a speedy recovery. I'm hoping he eventually remembers me but that's in God's hands right now. I appreciate your support. Thank you.

Thank you. My guess is that he will come around to remember you but as you say that is indeed in God's hands.

Your approach is wise and prudent. In addition to the skill of the medical team that worked on me I credit prayer and the support of family and friends for my recovery.

Please stay with us and let us know how his recovery progresses. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

Hello again,

I spoke with my friend today via text and he said he is very "foggy" and trying to rest as much as possible. I'm wondering if you can help me understand his amnesia a bit better. He has no memory of at least the past month. He remembers nothing he did at work or socially for at least that period of time. He also told me the other day he has been trying and trying but he can't picture his deceased mothers face. I felt so terrible for him. There are also some things he doesn't remember from years ago. He didn't start remembering each day in the hospital until about the 3rd day and then he remembered some of the day not all of it. I haven't spoken to him enough to know if this has improved the past few days. His sweet personality seems the same to me. He is a very caring man. From what I have described is there a name or type of amnesia he has? I've read about a few different types but it seems he has some of each of them.

Thanks again for your help.

Hi Tanya

There are two basic types of amnesia, and a TBI can cause both. Retrograde amnesia is the inability to recall past memories. This can be a few days or longer, but typically more recent memories are more likely to be lost than older memories. For example, in my case the accident was the Monday following Thanksgiving weekend in 2010, and I have no memory at all of that weekend, although I can recall a vacation we took the month prior.

Anterograde amnesia is the inability to form new memories. In my case although I was in ICU for a month I have little or no memories of those 4 weeks, and only limited memories of the first week I was in neuro-rehab. With TBI cases this will often be referred to as post-traumatic amnesia.

With TBI, memory often improves over time. When I was early in my neuro rehab stay I didn’t know what year it was, who the President was, what hospital I was in or why I was there. A co-worker visited me and while I could remember some of the things we had worked on together I could not recall her name. These memory deficits improved relatively quickly (a few days to a couple of weeks rather than months). I had daily occupational and speech pathology therapy, and these sessions helped tremendously. Essentially this involved rewiring neuro pathways that were disrupted by the trauma.

I know you aren’t his caregiver, but once he has cleared this early amnesia (and this is still early by TBI standards), he should have a neuropsychological assessment done by a clinical neuropsychologist. This evaluation can identify where his cognitive deficits are and from there determine which specific therapies would be most beneficial.

Again, this is early in his recovery. Best to you both.

Thank you. You've been so helpful.

I'm so sorry about your friend's accident.
That's great you are in touch with his family. Maybe you could send a card with a photo or flowers and let the family know you are there waiting to be contacted? If you call once in a while for news they are likely to pass on to your friend news about the phone call and eventually he will probably ask to see you.
I think you are right about not wanting to overwhelm him right now. If you speak to him, keep the conversation simple and don't change topics rapidly!
If you guys hit it off great once, you are likely to again... I can understand your fears about how things will be different for him and the two of you after the accident... I would give him time and be patient and follow his lead to see where he is in the healing process.
I wish you both the best of luck and to your friend a speedy recovery!