[ED]

A part of me died that day on the ice, March 10th. There is a void like a piece of me is missing. I have the sense of always searching for that missing piece, but I'm having trouble finding it. This non existing feeling is terrible, feelings of hopelessness, lost, alone, frustration, anger, sadness and miss understood.

A part of me did die that day.

Ed

[Mark in Idaho]

ED,

I know the feeling. I have experienced it many times over the past 48 years since my first life-changing concussion. When I look back, I can see the losses to how I functioned. But, I continued on with a number of successful businesses that I tailored to my brain's needs. I have been married 33 years and raised 3 successful kids.

Sure, part of us may have died but we did not die. We can go on. Fortunately, the understanding of living with concussion related deficits is light years ahead. Nobody understood my struggles from 1955 to 1971. In '71, understanding was in it's infancy, but it was a start.

My best to you.

[Mokey]

Ed.....me too. It is very, very hard, isn't it? It is important to grieve, because you have lost something. I have grieved a lot and continue to do so...little things (like bending down to tie my shoelaces, which provoke symptoms and dizzyness) to big things....friends, sports, my abilities, my career, etc.

My spouse and some close friends have almost convinced me, as Mark suggests, that I am still the me I was before my head hit the ice.

With the passage of time, and progress, sometimes I almost believe them. But there is a wee bit of me that is gone forever....a wee bit that is hard to explain to people, even those close to us.

So I understand. Hang in there. It gets better slowly.

[mouse1]

ED, you still have a long way to go but keep the faith, you must be improving? Keep a diary to note what the triggers are and try to avoid them, try to do the things that work for you.. Most people fully recover in a year, hopefully you will be one of these people.

[Su seb]

I understand how you feel. For several months after my fall I just kept on hoping to get back to my old self. One of my biggest turning points was when I let go of that. I did that with the help of a meditation series called perfect health by deepak chopra. Also, one of my friends said that she liked the new me better. I then started to think about this as an opportunity to start fresh and create a new me. I now can say that I also like the new me better. Have I been through horrible pain and suffering? Yes! But hopefully I'm coming out on the other end having learned some important life lessons. This injury has really slowed me down...but I think that's a good thing.
Try to love and accept yourself with all of the changes. Try not to think about the things you can't do...but maybe cherish the things you can do and find a few new things to do.
Good luck
Su

[mrsmith]

I completely understand how you feel, everyone around me keeps saying, "we just want you to be back to who you used to be", they dont understand, even if I completely recover, I will NEVER be the same person I was. Never.

[comeback_kid_11]

I got a concussion playing hockey March 20, 2011 and things have never been the same. I'm at a point right now where I can't even wear my old hockey jacket, look at a hockey stick or walk into the same room where my gear is stored. It just causes too much pain, frustration, sadness, anger. I can no longer play the game that was my passion and brought so much joy into my life. I truly feel I will never "get over" this and this grief will carry with me. Life will move on, and I believe I still can experience happiness of life, but it won't be the same.

[Laura G]

Originally Posted by ED

A part of me died that day on the ice, March 10th. There is a void like a piece of me is missing. I have the sense of always searching for that missing piece,....

A part of me did die that day.

Ed

Hi Ed,

I too felt that way very strongly. And everyone else Agreeing that a part of you is lost I found to be discouraging even though there's some comfort in knowing other people were experiencing this.

My feelings were so strong, that I wondered if I would be able to cope with this loss. The sense of losing a piece of yourself was reiterated by Dr. Johnson's TBI guide. By the way I strongly recommend this guide. Do download it and use it as a reference; it's great.

Fortunately I had also read Andrew Newberg's work on how God changes your brain. He talks about the thalamus, Which is like a switching station in your brain for emotions and helps you perceive God.

I was injured in February. At the beginning of August I started returning to regular meditation. The type I do is called centering prayer. I found it excruciatingly hard to do, and sometimes fail to do the full 20 minutes. But I soldiered on.

After about three weeks of this meditation, my sense of myself returned. I was absolutely thrilled.

Second, I found keeping in mind that developmental process is a fact of life was very helpful. What I mean by this is that you're constantly changing throughout your life span. When I talk to people I discovered that within my elderly friends, basically my brain was functioning like theirs did: memory slippage, etc. In other words in my injury my brain had aged about 25 years.

Though it was not good news, and was an acute change, I recognized that I needed to accept myself. It helped to remember that the brain I had had been different at six months old, different at two years old, different at five years, different at 14 years, different at 21 years, etc.

The main problem with the injury was that the change that I experienced happened acutely or suddenly. It helped to remember that even though I didn't like it, my brain was constantly changing throughout my life span and this was simply another and different way that it had changed.

I also had a psychotherapist to help me through this portion of my recovery. We talked about how expectation versus reality can cause suffering. When I expected things to be different and my brain function the way it used to, I got upset, got angry, was irritable, frustrated etc.

I found that if I simply noticed what was different, made a conscious decision to accept myself and accept my level of functioning, that I could circumvent the negative emotional responses. This way I could avoid dropping down into depression and anxiety.

I hope this helps; I wish you well.

[ReWiredKris]

Originally Posted by ED

A part of me died that day on the ice, March 10th. There is a void like a piece of me is missing. I have the sense of always searching for that missing piece, but I'm having trouble finding it. This non existing feeling is terrible, feelings of hopelessness, lost, alone, frustration, anger, sadness and miss understood.

A part of me did die that day.

Ed

It's a surreal feeling isn't it? (My neurologist told me the "old" Kristy died in the car accident - move on. Like it's that easy! It's not.)

I likened myself to Humpty Dumpty - even wrote a blog about it saying all the king's horses and men seemed to have lost a few pieces of me while putting me back together and if they find them - please forward them immediately. I wrote that 4 years after my car accident, I'm now at 6 1/2. We all process things differently, but.... Sound familiar? You are not alone. There is no magic potion, but time and to be open to self discovery. You're on a journey to find a new you.

Antidepressants helped me - it took months to figure out what worked (Zoloft) and then I was able to cope with the changes. Feeling misunderstood is a common characteristic of TBI/PCS and from my experience, those in your life willing to educate themselves on the conditions begin to understand, while those that will not (some of my family) will continue to misunderstand or even expect you to be who you were before.

Find the silver linings (I can draw now, but will never be a webmaster again & that's now ok), laugh even when you don't feel like it, know you are not alone and ask for help. Friends, classmates and coworkers help in the process. I ask them about the me before vs. me now as I navigate finding the new me. Hang in there - it does get better. ~Kristy

[Noland]

Originally Posted by ED

A part of me died that day on the ice, March 10th. There is a void like a piece of me is missing. I have the sense of always searching for that missing piece, but I'm having trouble finding it. This non existing feeling is terrible, feelings of hopelessness, lost, alone, frustration, anger, sadness and miss understood.

A part of me did die that day.

Ed

Ed,

I suffered my 5th concussion last December 9th with a blindside shoulder to my head playing hockey. I have been dealing with the classic PCS symptoms since.
I know that I will never play hockey again but I have kept my gear in my hockey bag ready to go. There is a sense of denial. Just this past weekend I ran into a guy from the hockey team while out to dinner which definitely was tough. I had tears in my eyes when he left.

My other passions are surfing and snowboarding which I havent been able to do either. My symptoms are slowly improving and I am maintaining a goal of returning to surf (smaller) waves at some point, hopefully this winter.
My very active lifestyle has ceased to exist and I did deal with some real depression over this fact. It is still tough to see all of my surfboards, hockey and snowboarding gear in my basement.

Lucky for me, I have a 1 1/2 year old son which I have diverted much of my attention to. He is my sidekick who walks around the yard and follows me everywhere. Maybe I would be lost without him?
It wont be the same exciting fast paced thrill but find a different passion to keep your head positive.
You wont be able to heal when your down in the dumps.

Best,
Nolan