I understand where all of you are coming from.

Hugs back B.

Hi Everyone,

I just read this post, and I know exactly how you all are feeling. I have improved with my Neuro rehab, and I am so grateful to have been able to participate in a wonderful program. I am a medical professional who had 18 years of practice before the injury. The Neuro rehab team thinks I can eventually return to work (initially thought my former profession), but now that they have done other tests with processing speeds, visual-spatial activities, multi-tasking, and visual motor skills they do not think this is possible at my current status.

I also told them I do not feel capable of direct patient care anymore, and I feel I would be putting them at risk, which they all agreed was true. It is hard to accept giving up a career I really enjoyed, but I know the potential danger in returning if I am no longer capable of helping people.

I also have not returned to my musical outlet because I am not capable of playing guitar or singing for more than 2-3 songs, and I played and sang in 2 bands where we would play up to an hour to 1 1/2 hours ( about 12 songs) with little to no break.
I can't even consistently sing along to songs in the radio as I once loved to, but at least I can sing and play for even a short time.

It is hard to accept the visible and "invisible" changes brought on by a brain injury. I find it especially hard to continue to "press on" when it seems like I have reached a plateau in some areas. This injury is much harder to recover from than others, because there is no set time limit or expectation of recovery period. And I find it particularly frustrating when I seem capable of doing a task one day, then incapable of doing the same thing on another day, like taking down important messages for appointment dates and times. I messed this up so much, I begin not to trust myself.

I am not losing hope, I am simply trying to find a place of internal peace which says I am where I am now, and if it never changes I can live with it. I am always hoping for healing, but I found a journal from last August, and I couldn't believe how much had changed, but also what really hasn't changed for me. Had one of those moments that you all felt when looking at pre-injury pictures.

I am in the process of getting a referral to a Neuro-optometrist to help with my visual-spatial deficit (tested 6% last week out of 100%-yikes!). I don't know what will come of this. Also doing multiple tests to find out about the nature of "spells" which have sent me to the ER by ambulance twice within a month. It's a never-ending doctor's appointment, but I am grateful for the ability to get referral to the doctors and try to figure out everything.

I am mostly grateful for the recovery I have had, but struggling with accepting what might be permanent losses and the new me, too. Such a fine wire to walk across. Please take care, everyone. I am grateful to have you all to commiserate with.
M-i-m

Hockey-

I totally feel for you. I was working full time and going to grad school full time prior to my accident. Straight A student all my life, over acheiever, etc. That's what's hard for me to reconcile. If I wanted to do well before, I just worked even harder, (although I now realize this wasn't emotionally healthy all the time). Now if I do that, I pay for it for days, even weeks. The end of my fall semester & a term paper resulted in 3 seizures over Christmas break.

I've been able to recover a lot of my academic skills through cognitive therapy with a speech therapist and accommodations via the university's disability resource office. But it's annoying because people in my master's program, (in SPECIAL ED), think there is nothing wrong with me and think I'm "cheating" or getting special help that I don't deserve, because I have extensions for some of my work or take exams in a private area to deter distractions. I HATE that I can't perform at the intellectual level I used to.

SEM,

You may need to create a distinction between your intellectual performance and your academic performance. Intellectual performance may have minor deficits while academic performance suffers greatly. You may have the same intellectual skills but need more time to use them. Academic performance is very comparative within a standard protocol of comparison, such as test taking and time to write a paper.

We often can not maintain the same performance time wise or in a large room with others taking a test and the ambient sounds and sights of such a room. We need the distraction free environment and maybe a bit more time. It does not mean our intellectual skills are less.

I am surprised that others in a special ed program are questioning your needs. They are studying to accommodate the needs of persons with special learning and testing needs. Are they just getting the additional degree to qualify for better pay or do they have a true desire to help those with special needs ?????

Your life experience will give you a very special insight into the needs of others.

My best to you.

[QUOTE=Mark in Idaho;1067425]SEM,

You may need to create a distinction between your intellectual performance and your academic performance. Intellectual performance may have minor deficits while academic performance suffers greatly. You may have the same intellectual skills but need more time to use them. Academic performance is very comparative within a standard protocol of comparison, such as test taking and time to write a paper.

We often can not maintain the same performance time wise or in a large room with others taking a test and the ambient sounds and sights of such a room. We need the distraction free environment and maybe a bit more time. It does not mean our intellectual skills are less.

I am surprised that others in a special ed program are questioning your needs. They are studying was to accommodate the needs of persons with special learning and testing needs. Are they just getting the additional degree to qualify for better pay or do they have a desire to help those with special needs ?????

Your life experience will give you a very special insight into the needs of others.

-------------------
Mark-

I agree with you about intellectual versus academic functioning. It was hard in the beginning to accept accommodations, but I know that without them, I can not give my best work.

I think it goes back to this being an "invisible" injury. A lot of people in my life judged me prior to this by my academic/intellectual abilities. Now that I need accommodations to show my best intellectual ability and people can't see how bad I'm suffering on the inside to have the same academic abilities, (via accommodations and the help of a cognitive therapist), I feel like I'm not good enough. (I have always had very low self-esteem and this has really shook me even more).

And yes, it makes me sick that many of the people in my program don't understand my need for accommodations. Our program is mostly full of people who work for nonprofits, so money is not the motivation for completing the program.

My first professor when I started back, said that he didn't really feel my "accommodations were necessary" when I handed him my letter from my disability resources office. A class later, a classmate asked me how I got lucky enough to get out of taking exams, (but I was really taking them in the academic testing center instead of with my class). And this past semester, someone asked me if I visited my Dr. in jail now because they consider me disabled and have provided paperwork saying so.

But the BIGGEST blessing, is that I now understand so much more what my students go through, especially those with autism who have sensory issues. It's going to make me a much more compassionate, understanding therapist when I hopefully can return to the field when I finish my degree.

Why are the "caring" professions filled with so many uncaring people?

I cannot even respond like I want to because I will get upset. I just want you to know I can relate. It is very hard to deal with.I had to let the Higher Power take over and form this new person I am becoming

Oh gosh yes... though it's a couple steps worse for me, I suppose, because I also feel this way about thoughts and memories. They're still there for me to access, albeit without anywhere near as much ease, but they feel foreign. Formed and stored by a brain so significantly different to the one I have right now that they may as well not be my own. Weird to describe.

Welcome, Puppeteer!

Yes, I know what you mean. The memories are yours, but not yours.

Do any of you feel like you're just going through the motions emotionally and not really connecting, like you used to?

I love my child, but she feels I'm distant - and I think she's right. It never occurs to me to be spontaneously affectionate. I can't seem to describe it. I'm just not a complete, integrated personality. It's like I'm watching my life, rather than living it.

I can relate to this for sure. I find this with my husband. I have to make an effort to be affectionate and kind of go through the motions, even though I don't feel it, for his sake.

Like remembering to kiss him when he gets home from work or hug him when he's feeling down or hold his hand if we are sitting together on the couch. Those things used to come naturally because I wanted to, not anymore.

And things I used to like, now kind of irritate me. Like he'd put his hand on my back and rub if I was upset, now I can't stand that. Its not comforting, it just makes everything worse. It's ok if he'll just put his hand on me and leave it still, but there's something about the movement that I just can't handle.

I've told him many times about how this now bothers me, but he doesn't seem to get it and continues to do it. I don't know why this changed, but it did.

Same with holding hands, he always wants to move his thumbs around on my hand and I can't stand that either. Just hold still, that I can tolerate!!

Starr