hi mark,

i guess we have a bit of an advantage of sorts. i met him after his MVA and only know him the way he is now. i've seen the manic episodes, withdrawing himself, the confusion mid conversation, the frustration, severe depression, etc. while those things were frightening for me to experience, i'm glad to have gotten passed them. i never understood fully, the severity of his situation until recently. i agree, wholeheartedly, that i need the full extent of his injuries. what i've found out in the passed couple of months and very recently has helped us tremendously. so far i know that he was diagnosed with a moderate-severe TBI, has chronic migraines, and is currently seeing a therapist and neurologist.

it's just difficult when talking about it will either irritate or overwhelm him. he's not used to being open about it, as he was told not to talk about his case (legal concerns, of course). and he took that advice very literal in a sense. i have to take it at a slower with him; he's a bit more "fragile" than i realized in the past, but i am certainly making headway.

It is going to be very difficult for your relationship until he can discuss his condition. As his legal case progresses, there should come a time when you will have access to the medical diagnosis of his current condition. Until then, it will be like trying to nail jello to the wall.

We struggle enough trying to understand our own condition. One of the starting points to getting on with our lives is that point in time when we fully understand our dysfunctions and limitations. Then, we can start to learn ways to work-around those dysfunctions.

Your goal should be to understand what parts of his behavior are caused by his injury and what are part of his pre-existing personality. Then hopefully, you can come to an agreement with him as to how you can help him.

People don't understand brain injuries, they can't see them. Sure they can see the visible scars, but understand, no. Our spouses all have different levels of function. Some have hearing, eye, nerve, muscle and brain damage.
Others have some or none. We have to continually walk the thin line between doing everything and finding the things they can and do need to do, to have a sense of self worth. They resent us because the have an brain injury, everything that is simple for us is harder for them. Staying on tract, remembering what they are doing. They forget. They go off track. They mentally drift away. The fixate on one thing and ignore the big picture. The impulse control issues. Thinking they can handle paying bills and finances. Its awful and it is hard to deal with.