Hi,

I am new to this forum. It is the first time that I am posting my problems on a forum such as this, and I am hoping that anyone could help me with some insight as to what I am dealing with. I am at wit’s end and feel as if there is no hope for me.

I was in an accident when I was 12, I am currently 27, where I was hit by a car and suffered brain damage at the back left of my skull (fraction), and a knock on the front right which according to the docs caused a tear and leak in the frontal lobe (right side). EEG and MRI results from back then aren’t available anymore unfortunately.

I was unconscious for 3 days when I started to come by, confused and most of my limbs in cast.

I have been suffering from symptoms ever since which are still a mystery to me, and I am (hopefully ignorantly) doubtful that any treatment would be able to help me other than medicating me into a zombie. Note that before the injury, I was normal, happy, and getting A’s in school, which deteriorated vastly ever since. The symptoms have increased vastly in the last few years.

I saw several specialists and therapists in those early years, but nothing really came from it I think. I was too young to understand I think. And it was basically left at "he will heal eventually".

I suffer from great depression, obsessive irrational fear, anxiety, worry, paranoia, major panic attacks (nearly every day, sometimes several times a day), aggression, mood swings, and a permanent feeling of impending doom, among many other things ever since the accident. Other symptoms are attention deficit disorder, obsessive compulsiveness, extremely bad memory, difficulty speaking (as if I sometimes forget words mid sentence and um and ah for ages). I usually go totally blank when put on the spot, like to retrieve information from memory- or make quick decisions.

All of my symptoms are uncontrollable, especially the anxiety. My mind is like a radio, and that station is always on – chattering away like nothing else. This includes obsessive and irrational paranoia, fear, dread, doom, and worry, and constantly reminding me of previous emotionally hurtful incidents. Dread and doom being the key words, because I always feel as if I am going to be emotionally hurt, that I’m unloved, that I’m going to be deceived.

I generally feel depressed because of the above. To give you an example of how intense this is: I either can’t sleep because of this “radio”, or I wake up in the middle of the night – usually around 4amish – and the radio would automatically and nearly instantly be switched on. If I’m lucky I will eventually fall asleep again, but usually I will just lie awake in agony for hours until I have to get up.

These feelings build up and I would break down crying uncontrollably every day. After crying I feeling somewhat more stable and rational.

To explain the intensity of this feeling is basically.. It makes me have self destructive thoughts to escape the pain. During the peak of the attacks, I just want to die. And sometimes end up hitting the walls- I actually broke my hand this way recently. My mind is like an enemy, it is out to get me, to kill me. It can’t be reasoned with, it can’t be tamed. It is all irrational thinking, obsessing especially about previous incidents which ripped my soul apart. About current problems, and about things that might happen. I am extremely emotionally sensitive and empathetic, and I think I feel emotions much sharper than other people. I can be emotionally hurt by the slightest thing, and being intentionally emotionally hurt is like the end of the world to me. I want to die. I fear being judged for what I am feeling, I fear abandonment the most. Utterly terrified of it. I just want to die when I am emotionally hurt, distanced, deceived or anything by my closest loved ones – wife.

I am also just about permanently in a kind of dream like state, as if I’m walking around in a dream. This feeling becomes extremely worse however during what I’m assuming are panic attacks. It feels as if I’ve had like 3 pints of beer, but am in control and act normally- but have the dizzy feelings of being drunk. Or kind of like shock, when you are about to faint. It just feels like life is going past me, while I’m stuck in this unreal feeling where I don’t even feel awake. Sometimes this feeling would get so bad that I would be walking around aimlessly, muttering random words to myself, nervous and on the verge of breaking down. Or for instance once when I was driving the long road, several times I would be so “in that mode” I would come by and think “What the hell, I’m driving!”. Like I almost forgot that I was. How weird is that? I’ve read something about something called “depersonalization” but not sure. Could very well be.

I had an episode a few days ago where I was at a work function BBQ with lots of loud (drunk) people. I’ve always had social anxiety. I started zoning out completely where I felt I was drunk, asleep but present, like I was a spirit but had control over my body (take note that I don’t drink at all). Just so dizzy and weird. Someone spoke to me, and I did not even understand him. After politely asking him to repeat himself, I somewhat heard what he was saying, but no idea what he was talking about. I just nodded. Felt dread build up, and tears formed in my eyes but I managed to stop it before it turned into a complete breakdown – which I was on my way to. Eventually I started to feel a bit better, but for the rest of the day I was feeling nauseous and tense.

I do not want to drone on too much (TLDR) with further details as I even fear being judged now.

This feeling, this “dread mode” that I get in, and actually feel most of the time. It’s absolutely emotionally and physically draining, I’m an emotional wreck. It is like a world of darkness that I can’t escape, always fearful, depressed, paranoid, emotionally ruined. It’s gotten worse as time went by, and I turned to alcoholism since age 16 to mask it- and I daresay it worked. I however stopped drinking altogether 6 months ago which might be why I am experiencing such a sharp increase in intensity of these symptoms.

I wake up in the mornings with this dread feeling at its most prominent, and then it would slightly subside towards midday. Then it would decline again towards bedtime where it would be bad again. This is important because I remember just after the accident I was absolutely unable to go to school because I would wake up in this complete dread state. Then I would also cry at night around bedtime. It is still present 15 years later. I have a bunch of random bald spots on the sides of my head which I’m assuming are from stress.

I have been put on several medications; I have been on Cilift 20mg (citalopram) for about 10 years now, and been prescribed a bunch of others by GPs which only either made me feel worse – more anxious and panicy – or a complete emotionless zombie. These meds were the following: Miritazapine Sandoz, Aspen Trazodone 100mg, Ativan, Sereroquel 50mg.

Due to financial restrictions I’ve been unable to see a psychiatrist until 2 weeks ago, in which she ordered an EEG be done with a temporal lobe electrode. I went for it in the morning a few days ago, and was so anxious. Tears streamed down my face as they applied the electrodes, and had a panic attack when the strobe lights went. No convulsions, just crying, fear, dread. So I am sceptical that it will show abnormal results as it might just have been a panic attack. I felt sick the rest of the day, sore muscles, dizzy, and nauseous. So, I don’t know.

I have wondered about it though, because I often wake up at night flailing and kicking- sometimes nearly biting my tongue off. I am doubtful, but the results should be here this week.

So basically, I cannot shake this dreadful feeling of doom, and it is present regardless of how good things are going, it’s totally irrational and wrought havoc on my marriage. The feelings build up until I break down crying uncontrollably every day. It had sent me into a deep depression now, and I barely have the energy or will to get out of bed anymore. I just want to cry the whole time. I have lost a lot of weight, I currently weigh 65kg at 5.8’.

Is this normal? For nigh on 15 years I was under the impression that this is life, this is normal, mostly due to the “man-up” attitude from my home support and society. I have been abandoned by just about all my friends afterwards, and can count my real friends on one hand.

Does anyone know what I am experiencing here? Am I alone? I feel miserable that I might have to face the rest of my life this way. I am going for a follow up session with the psychiatrist soon, as soon as the EEG results come through. Hopefully she will be able to make a diagnosis and prescribe the right meds for me.

If this post is not appropriate, please let me know and I will change it accordingly.