I have a question about relationships for everyone today.

I have been recovering for 28 months now and about 7 months ago I got into a relationship. Lately I seem to be getting myself into trouble by not paying attention when she is talking to me.

Now my problem is I have a headache to a varying degree all the time but it is always there. I also tend to have trouble staying focused. so last night I was feeding my reptiles and for me it takes all my attention to make sure I complete my task and that everybody gets everything they need. During this my gf was talking to me about the sexes of my turtles which, admittedly, I was tuning out because I'm trying to focus on what i'm doing. Mid way through all this I get an epiphany that its only 7pm and I can call back the student loan place that I have been forgetting to call for the last two months so I jump to my phone and make the call while I remember.

I am not sure how to resolve the lack of attention I tend to give to other people when they talk to me. It takes conscious effort to listen when someone is talking and if there is to much going on around me or I have a headache I will tune the person out. Whether someone is telling me something important, a joke or a story if I am doing something that requires my attention I am not listening. That means if I am making my lunch or being a passenger in the car unless I am having a particularly good day, i'm gonna tune everyone out. Last night it was my mothers birthday and I was largely absent for the celebration because its just way to much. 7 adults, a 1 month old newborn and three dogs all in one room is a bloody nightmare.

I understand tuning people out is a valid reason for someone to not be happy with me but I am trying my very best. After all I am tired after a full day of working and studying and I do not have the mental stamina to focus on two things at once. When I do that I start forgetting what I am doing and misplacing things

I am married since 17 years now and I have PCS since one year.
The last years have not been easy, but since PCS all we do is fight. My husbund does not at all understand and tolerate what I am going through.
All he sees is a person who looks healthy. He thinks I am making it all up.

He goes out a lot to see friends, go to partys or any kind of event, but in the last year I had to spend most of my time resting, which he did not understand.
Also when I don't feel good I blow up at every little thing and it ends up in a bad dispute. It exhausts me a lot.

So the end of it is, that we are getting separated, right now I am looking for an apartment for me and our seven year old son. I can't wait to get out and I also cannot feel more lonely than I already do.

I wish you all the best.

Well, this is tough. Like many of us, you probably need to do one thing at a time. Your description was actually so completely spot on that I started laughing. I mean, if I have to go to the bathroom and my child asks me a question when I am on my way there, I get upset and snap, "Not right now!"

However, what you CAN do, is 1) help her understand how you work now, 2) try to understand how she feels, and 3) develop a communication plan for her to get your attention.

My husband has it down pretty well. He comes over and says, "Julie (pause), may I speak with you?" Then he waits. He does not take it personally if I snap, "Not right now" which is what I do most anytime I get a second task (my current goal is working on a softened version). By using my name, he gets my attention. With my immediate family, sometimes I try to look down at what I am doing and if it's not time sensitive, I remind myself that I can pause it. For example, chopping lettuce. Put it down, turn around, listen to husband for 3 minutes while he tells me about doctor appointment tomorrow.

Now, he has learned that he can't just chit chat to me while I'm making dinner or I'll shoot through the roof, so he saves that for when we're sitting down together. So now we have to carve out that time, which we previously would have done while I was making dinner, but no more. But I try to remember. There is and never was any such thing as multi-tasking, so...? Maybe a positive way of looking at it is that it is a more mindful and intentional approach.

Don't get me wrong - I know this is really hard for him to deal with and he is struggling with wondering if this is our new life forever. Meanwhile my children cannot do this at all, so I block them out too much or end up yelling and have meltdowns (but we are discussing a safe word for that, a great idea I got on this board).

Be well
Julie

Anja,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. Is there a TBI/PCS support group in your area? I think it might help to be with people who understand what it is like.



Julie

Its tough trying to explain my situation to people, especially those who met me after my incident. To them they see me as perfectly normal. I say I have a brain injury but I don't have anything that is abruptly noticeable.

We went to a friends birthday party a few weeks ago and there was 8-9 people, three birds free flying in the house, two very large dogs and music going. So i pretty much tuned everything out and went on my phone (bad for the brain I know but I had to do something). I guess it wasn't really appreciated I did that but I mean there were three different conversations going on at the same time. How does anyone expect me to be able to actively participate. And again this was at the end of the day so i'm already pretty spent by then.

I am just very tired of people reminding me of how I am not living appropriately. I live in a rather hostile environment so I am strongly considering leaving school to find a job that pays enough where I can live on my own. By hostile I mean my family will purposely instigate me.

RJam and others,

Everything you are experiencing is common to PCS and very real. The basis for these struggles are simple. The concussed brain often is damaged in a specific area that provides the processing for filtering sensory information and maintaining focus. Normal functioning brains can easily shut out (filter out) the 90+ percent of our environment that is not relevant to our current thought processes. For those of us with PCS, this filtering often does not work effectively, it at all.

So, when in a room with 3 different conversations going on, the brain is at overload trying to make sense of all three at the same time, even if we are not interested in any of those conversations. This leaves the brain acting like the metal ball in a pin ball machine. It gets caught bouncing from one sensory input to another with little, if any control.

AndromedaJulie has fortunately figure this out and has the support of her husband.

There are ways to function better with this problem. Our family and friends need to know that unless they have eye contact, they are not going to be heard. If they do have eye contact, they will be able to tell that/when we are being distracted by other things in the room.

They also need to understand that multitasking is not in our game plan. We can either chop lettuce and not talk to them or we can talked to them with a knife in our hands and chop fingers along with the lettuce.

So, if someone wants to have a conversation with us, they need to be looking at our eyes as we look at theirs. It may even help if they touch our hand. It will also help if there are no background sounds, TV, radio, others speaking, etc. Even a muted TV can be a distraction as the picture changes and our eyes and attention want to see what that movement is about.

People need to know, we are not being disrespectful. Our brains are just not working as well as theirs are. We have little control over this problem except to say, "I can only do one thing at a time. I can feed my turtles or I can listen to you. I can't do both. "

This is why many of us should be very careful about our choice to drive. This distractability can cause accidents with dire consequences.

I've lived with these issues for 15 years. For some of us, they get better. For others, we have to learn ways to live with and work around these struggles.

My best to you all.

See, this is why I am on this board.

Nine people, 2 dogs, and three birds flying free?
Chopping fingers along with lettuce?
Yes.

I'm cracking up.... for once I am laughing while thinking about brain injuries.

People get it.
THANK YOU.