KOM,

I understand your struggles. Your struggle is not uncommon.

I bet your participation in housework and other household issues is two fold. Some tasks are a struggle to do from a physical perspective due to your injuries. Others may be a struggle to stay connected to the task due to forgetfulness and such. I would not be surprised you have lost some of the instinctive drive to 'take care of the nest.' Brain injury can be tough in that way.

For those tasks that you can do physically, you can ask him to make lists for you to follow. There is no reason the kids cannot participate doing the work on the lists. My wife taught our kids to do their own laundry when the youngest was 8, the oldest 11. If they wanted to wear it clean, it was their responsibility to get it laundered (washer and drier) . It helped them learn some good life skills. They had other responsibilities, keeping the kitchen and bath orderly, etc. I did the heavy bath cleaning and other household work. .

The intimacy issue is difficult. Women change in this area even without a brain injury. Peri-menopause can be as rough as menopause. The personality changes can be rough. I have to learn to act caring even though the innate feeling of caring is not there. We can retrain some of these lacking feelings to at least be able to act them out when they do not come naturally.

But, you can't change his attitude. Men go through changes too. Especially as we approach and go through the 40's. Those middle life changes can mean we need to learn new relationship skills as a couple.

Have you done any couples counseling ? Is he willing to participate ? I'm sure that with a little research, you can find a counselor how works with the personality changes from brain injury.

The challenge is his level of commitment. If it is not there, he can respond, 'I know the issues but I just do not care anymore.' As the saying goes, You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

I would hope that any big legal payout would stay with you. You are the one who went through the pain and suffering. He just experienced the ups and downs of life. I hope he understand that it will be much more expensive for you two to live apart. Learning to live together even when the feeling are not there has other benefits. If he can learn and accept them as valid.

But, it sounds like he was already checking out before your accident. Has he ever explained his reasons for that disconnect? Maybe there is something that can be addressed in that area.

I understand the strain this can cause to a family. My kids lived with my struggles, too. My wife can now identify the behaviors and the changes I underwent over the years after each concussion. We're going on 36 years and PCS issues started rearing their ugly head at about the 2nd year. Fortunately, we kept the mechanics of the relationship going even when the feelings of the relationship were weak.

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you Mark! You really are the wise elder

I know the stress of it all has been too much for him at times, which I understand. I just wish that he would be more accepting to my struggles. I am far from perfect. He says that he feels that I do so much of this to him on purpose.

I am going to look into some marriage counselling options and hope that he is open to it.