My husband and I have been married for 16 years, together for 23. Our marriage has had its ups and downs but we have always made it through.

I am 2.5 years post TBI and I feel like there is no way we will make it. I feel like he is hanging on to look like a hero until the big legal payout and then he will hit the road.

He says that he was so over us when my accident happened, but he decided to live by his vows and stand by me. The problem is, he always throws it back in my face. I feel like everything he does is so that he can look like a good man to everyone else. Prior to my accident he did nothing around the house, or with the kids. He was responsible for being a career man and I took care of the household. Well now he has to do a lot of the household stuff that I did, but while he does it he complains to the kids and I about how he does everything and we are lazy. The thing is I do lots too, sure it isn't like it was before but I don't sit around on my *** all day.

He spends zero time connecting with me or the kids, and then complains when I show him no affection or intimacy. And then gets mad when it isn't front of mind for me, he thinks I am torturing him on purpose.

So when we come to blows, it always comes back to this. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me but then he can't understand why I am the way that I am. Simple discussions become huge blowouts because he just keeps going at me over and over and over.

I thought he got it, but I am really beginning to wonder if he ever really will. I've shared enough articles with him about my changes and struggles, and what that does to relationships. But it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other.

Wow.....

Well it was the same over here......One day I just had enough.....

I moved 1700 miles away, and shortly after filed for a divorce.....

I may be alone, but Im happy that all the nagging and not trying to learn or have empathy is over!

When my wife was diagnosed with her brain tumour back in 2007, I didn't even consider leaving her. She had her first operation and recovered. A few years after we married and had our son. Then we had our daughter, after which her scan showed that her residule tumour was growing again. And I also gained a concussion around the time of her second operation, last year. She had her new scan results yesterday and she is now tumour free and the biopsy came back as benign grade 1.

Through all of this we have also had daily life struggles and two young kids to look after. But we stick together because we only have each other.

Families should stick together theough hard times. Maybe your husband needs to understand how important family is.

I've often wanted to do that, but my kids keep me going at it. Trust me, I have days where I think they would be better off without me too. It's so hard.

Im sorry. Mine didn't and we were high school sweethearts since I was 15! However, I am not going to get into it, but I will say because no prenup (why on EARTH would I have one, right?) the settlement I got, 50/50 automatically, but I STILL got screwed in the end by the time everything was done. Waited WAY too long to divorce HIM! All it was was lawyers arguing and padding THEIR pockets. It was a collaborative divorce. DON'T EVER DO THAT kind!! We should've just gone to court ourselves!! The lawyers got rich off me. I was still too messed ip mentally.

So I am sorry.


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Thanks. It really sucks, and as Mark says above, the settlement shouldn't be 50/50 but it is... that money is for my pain and suffering, for my loss of income and my future medical needs.

So damn true The loss of income has NO measurement and NO settlement can or will EVER replace. I'm sorry for my wording, this is so a bad area of mine. Anyway. All I know is, it is just SO unfair in the end. Personally? Shouldn't have got even CLOSE to what he got. I'm the one who flat-lined. I'm the one who suffers everyday and WILL suffer every day. He just walks away. You know. I wasn't trying to be a bad person here. However, I WAS trying to work.

Went back in my same field, but didn't stay at same job for more than 3 months. Couldn't handle it, mentally nor physically. Very disheartening. Couldn't give up, so I tried another position. Epic fail. I have now moved 700 miles away and finally stopped altogether.

So upsetting. Too young for this, but hey, I wanted to shed light on our misfortunes.


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Knocked out mom,

sorry to hear about your situation. My marriage didn't make it through PCS. I moved out about four month ago. My son came with me. It was a huge step into an unknown future.

Most of the time I do feel a lot better. I can rest when I need to without being yelled at for being lazy. I can do my housework whenever I want to do it. I can take brakes.

My husband didn't understand, or maybe didn't want to understand what PCS is and what I was going through.
He was embarrassed to tell other people what was wrong with me, when he went to a friends birthday or so, every time he made up something else, so he wouldn't have to tell the truth.

Now I go to work, handle my housework and everything around my eight year old son. It works, some days it is hard, other days it is easy.

I do feel lonely every now and then, but then I keep telling myself, that it was the best thing I could do. During the last year of my marriage I felt a lot more lonely.

Anja

When a spouse has medical needs, concussions or otherwise, it shows the true character of the other spouse.

KOM, Can your settlement be structured so a partial lump sum is just enough to pay off medical bills and the rest is paid to you monthly ?

I would think that if he can claim part of your settlement, then you should be able to claim part of his continuing income and pension above child support levels.

Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry for your "losses".

I realize what I am about to say is easy to say but so hard to do--- sometimes we must let go to have as some people have shared. I have had to do that many times in different ways. Always hard but as I go through it if I find support and persevere, I make it through. That's how I ended up with my current husband of 21 years.

May I suggest, in addition to here, find support from other groups. Maybe there is a local group where you live. If you feel there is any chance maybe you can go to couples therapy. There are some therapists who do it as a group and it costs a lot less. Maybe even a clergy. My husband and I started couples therapy to improve our communication a couple of months before this happened and I am so glad we did.

This concussion/pcs has taught my husband and I each different things. He has learned a new level of patience and I have learned to focus and not multi-task. Not that I could multi task with this anyway. We also found our communication has improved. We have had to both slow down and to take the time to listen to each other because of this PCS. It has slowed me way down. I am sharing to support you --to shine a light on what you deserve.

I also realize how much our lives have changed because of me. My spouse too has had to stand by me.

I also am fortunate my pcs seems to be progressing well, maybe 5%/week. I am a newbie and I realize i do not presume to know the toll after years of this as mine has only been about 9 weeks. Never thought I'd say that.

I have to say a large part of my progress is due to this group and all the great advice and my husband. Mark you are truly a wise elder and there are others who consistently share which makes such a difference to know one is not alone and someone fully gets it.

I realized again after reading another post this AM just how fortunate I am that my husband has been there for me in ways that if he wasn't, I would have had a totally different journey. He is semi-retired which also makes it easier and we depend on his income. So I get to rest when I need and go at the pace I need. I get if someone is in your life with this, they need to be a support; otherwise, they make everything worse. Understanding goes a long way.

My husband is a good man and there are good men/people out there who have an understanding heart. No it is not easy. There were nights he would wake because of my restlessness and hold my hand and stay awake with me because I was so scared. He is a keeper and he feels the same about me.

You deserve better. I get how much courage it takes and the willingness on both parts. If you have done the best you can whatever that is, and he is not willing to accept that, then you cannot change him. It would be unhealthy for you to have to fight this, on so many levels, if he is not willing to try to work with you and compromise.

We all have our faults and different issues in us that arise with different people. My Dad once said as long as the good outweighs the bad then you have a good thing. That is provided the bad is not abuse of any kind.

I am sending you prayers and all the best.