PCS Mcgee,
I read all your posts here. I am sorry, you are so overwhelmed with grief! What do you mean by trigger, is that spiraling into a depression or more symptoms or both? For lack of a better word, this so sucks for you and I pray for you to find some strength. You asked for prayers earlier, so you may not be all agnostic. You are still so young but I know 5 years is so much time for you, 20% of your life. Your depression is overwhelming you and I know you already know that the alcohol is making it worse but, you do not give a damn about that right now, and perhaps you feel you do not like your self enough now to take care of yourself more. All of this is a vicious cycle and a hard thing to take control of. Take a good look at your self and try to love yourself as much as your parents do. I mean love the injured self. Admire your spirit and do not expect or judge yourself so harshly. This may be too much for you to handle on your own, you might want to speak to a therapist about the dark times and not only focus on PCS stuff, purge the suicide thoughts too. I hope I am not just spilling out crap to you. I read your pain and hope you can get some relief. I am sure you are a very talented person and stopping your journey on this earth, would be not only a sad loss of life but all that pain would continue to flourish in your family. Sorry for ramble, take care.
Nancy

MCGee

My thoughts are that you need to build on what you have got now. And yes all easier said than done. Does life have to revolve around bars? What about the "19th" hole at the golf course - can you go in there without a problem - can you go see a movie? How do you know that you can't date? Have you asked anybody out? You can obviously hold a conversation. Or is it that you think that you have nothing to offer? I have been through those issues and it is only in the last few months with a new psychologist that I have been able to reconcile the new me with the old. Previously "average" was not acceptable to me - now I have come to accept it - after all those that were always average don't go beating themselves up do they - they also have parts of themselves that are below average and still don't beat themselves up. OK they may not know they are like that - our problem is that we know that we were clever or exceptional in many ways. You say that you don't enjoy writing any more - you seem to express yourself pretty well still.

You can drive, play golf, no problems on a pc, do you live on your own - you must be able to cope with basic house stuff and can get yourself to and from the super market. At one stage I could not do some of those things. I can now though at times can't do the supermarket thing.

"Starting a new gig" Not a NZ expression - is this when you try to do something new? And the pressure of doing it affects you? This sometimes happens to me - all the self doubt emerges and I feel my brain getting hot - at that stage my brain and I have an argument - when I first started using this forum I stressed hugely- even learning to use different parts of it - I have given up on the smiley things - and have stopped stressing over my imperfect grammar and I know that the way words come out can be a bit odd at times - I think that I have now come up with "this is me - take it or leave it with other people - their loss not mine" This may have come with a confidence from age though.

Having this happen to me at 45 may have been better than at 21 as I did have 45 years of life experience to get me by - as I still have most of that intact - though it is hard retreiving it from my brain. So yes you could say I was lucky. I did have a major car accident a week after my 21st and was unconcious for a day - it was a bit like you - I had initially said I won't drive and then said OK I will drive - 10 o'clock in the morning my car was a write off. Something had been saying to me don't drive. This accident in hind sight was the start of it all.

You said that you wanted to be a history teacher. Is this because you like history or children or is it both?

I have to go to work now, so if I think of anything else I will add it during the day.

Previously "average" was not acceptable to me - now I have come to accept it - after all those that were always average don't go beating themselves up do they - they also have parts of themselves that are below average and still don't beat themselves up.

You wrote what I was thinking MUCH more eloquently than me. You are truly a sweetheart.

McGee, I hope you're doing better today. Hugs to you too.

~Lori

McGee, I have been keeping you in my prayers. My only son is 23 years old, so I understand what you mean about missing out on life - like going out to bars and football games and so on - the things most young men like to do. But he also likes to go to coffee shops and studies foreign languages in his spare time and likes hiking. Unfortunately, he lives about four hours away, so I don't get to see him very often. You are a very intelligent young man and you were getting better, so don't let this latest setback throw you off from your recovery. There has to be help out there somewhere in this great country! I was wondering if you could volunteer at a high school for a few hours a week, or would that be too much stress for you? I am sure you have a lot to offer to younger students.

PS. You were able to ride a bike! I hope I can get back on my bike next spring as our local bike club is my main social life.

Thank you all for your thoughts, though I feel the need to clear some things up here...

Nancy F: I haven't had a drink in 2 years, I just happen to miss drinking. I didn't do it a lot, but it was something I enjoyed. Also, agnostic people are perfectly capable of praying.

Lucy: It's not just bars, it's social events. I've been triggered by phone calls before - the last time I was really heavily triggered was precipitated by my going over to a friend's house and having him work on my car. Going to bars and parties are absolutely out of the question at this point. I can't date because I can't do social things right now, social things are what dating people do. I want to be a teacher because I was one of the greatest summer camp counselors of the modern era, it's a natural transition.

Here's the thing, folks: All of you (even those who have been dealing with this for as long as I have) seem to have found ways to maneuver yourselves through your lives and find purpose and pride in doing so. You aren't living as comfortably as you once did, but you all seem to have a healthy measure of appreciation for the fact that you are in fact still living despite all of these pains and problems you have to deal with every day. I am simply not wired in this fashion.

I do not believe that we are put on this planet for the glory of some nonlocal deity, I believe that we are put on this planet to LIVE. As such, I am not afraid of the concept of death, but I am terrified of the concept of living another year (let alone another decade) like I currently am.

Do not take this as self loathing. I love myself very much. I was a far better person in nearly every way before this happened, but I still think the person I am now is pretty kick ***, especially considering the circumstances. That said, I am not willing to remain the person that I currently am indefinitely, nor will I ever be.

I believe life is meant to be lived in big fat chunks. I believe we're here to laugh, love, yell, drink, cheer, and carry on; and I know for a fact that as I am I cannot express these most human of emotions and actions nearly as well as I need to be able to if I want to live a big, full life. I want to live a big, full life. I will accept nothing less.

That's the deal I made with God before coming here. I will live this life, but only if I can truly live it. I will not allow myself to fade into oblivion or obscurity within the minds and memories of people who once were my dearest friends. I am unwilling to spend the rest of my life squeaking by every day, living paycheck to paycheck on a spiritual level. That does not work for me.

That is why I have said from day one of this condition that I will do everything in my power to get my life back (because I truly enjoyed every minute of every day of my life before this happened), but if I get to a point where there's nothing left to do, and there are no stones left unturned, and I'm still unacceptably ill between my ears, I will not hesitate to leave this place by my own hand. Like I said, that's the deal I made with God: I will live this life, but only if I can truly live it.

My beliefs are likely different than yours, and I don't fault either of us for this fact. I am simply me, and you are simply you, this is how things are supposed to be. But don't worry about me, because I'm not going to take a long walk off a short pier unless I'm certain that it's my only remaining choice. And if it does come to that, I'll do so knowing that I fought for my life as hard as I possibly could. I'll leave with no regrets.

That's just how it is.

McGee,
I do admire your huge efforts to get well and this does reflect alot of self respect and we can only hope you keep thinking that you will improve. Perhaps you are trying too hard, if that is possible. The stress that it takes, with this effort can prolong healing. Stress is a nasty ugly contaminant in most healings. I love your career goal, it is such a great contribution and so needed. Good passionate teachers who truly pay attention to the adolescents are capable of having a very rewarding life. I hope you get there. I pray you can feel joy again and smile. You deserve a good laugh and some flashing moments of joy. These kind of feelings are the medicine your brain needs to heal. Your feelings of frustration are understandable and very normal and I know you are tired of the effort you have put forth. You have done alot of good work. Give your self a few days off and just try to find some smiles somewhere. This kind of simplicity can be powerful and relieving at times. Get through Christmas, things always seem clearer in January, for those who are unhappy about things in their life. January might offer more strength to keep going forward. I really feel alot of PCS patients do have their healing set back alot with stess. Working on your depression will help healing possibly. Again, I admire your perserverence.

Well said Nancy. I think it is a huge problem with PCS - trying too hard. Like I have said before - it is kind of reverse thinking - you are better off not trying too hard - very hard to get your head around.! How is your son doing?

McGee
There are a lot of stones on the planet.

Lynlee

Thank you for that Nancy! You are so right about the stress involved in trying too hard. I've read this a few times while researching the head bonking stuff, that we need to be kind and gentle with ourselves- otherwise we're prolonging the time it takes to heal.

Trust me, I'm NOT a believer in rolling over and playing dead- but I'm not going to fight a battle that I cannot win- right now. I've always learned to pick the battles that deserve fighting, and let go of the battles that I cannot win.

Right now, I believe that my job is to learn to adapt and adjust. That's enough for me right now- and boy, does it help to 'know' other people walking in shoes like mine. We're not walking in the same exact shoes, to be sure- but enough that we understand and have compassion for each other.
I don't think I've mentioned this, but I've been a Hospice volunteer for the better part of 10 years (not since I bonked my head though). Boy does THAT put things into perspective. Maybe that's why I think the way that I do. If so, I'm grateful for that experience because perhaps it prepared me for this.

I had lunch with one of my previous managers today, and she was honest with me that I've changed. She started to cry and said, "Lori- do you realize how much slower you are?" She told me that I act like I'm thinking in slow motion and even my facial expressions are different. She told me I looked like a ghost. She hasn't seen me since before I bonked my head- so only knows the old me. She's a very good friend and I know she was just worried, but man- I didn't realize I was THAT bad.

'course, it was a pretty bad day for me. I told her that I'm honestly OK psychologically with all of this. And I really am.

I'm so glad to read that you're not planning on walking off a short pier anytime soon.

I've mentioned before that I have sons your age and I can only imagine that they'd have the same fight in them that you do. I do not fault you in the least for that. We are who we are, and we should all celebrate in that.

I'm really glad that your parents are supportive to you. Let them carry you through the holidays and let's have this chat again in January.

I think you have too many moms on this board.

Have you ever considered being a researcher? Your writing skills are exceptional and it looks like you really enjoy research.

Just my .02