[melek]

In 2005 I slipped and fell. I'm still dealing with the issues of a concussion. I'm trying to work at the same job I've had for 7 years, doing the same type work I've done since 1974.

I forget, can't remember to follow procedures, process information, people tell me they don't understand me, can't follow my conversations, I have balance issues, memory loss, used to love people crowds, activities concerts can't handle any of that anymore...my world has become very small. I live in a fog. I describe as I know there is a building there, I just know it, but I can't quite see it....

I'm now 55 years old, I look normal, as my doctor says You look good..what does that mean? I don't feel 'good' I feel very frustrated, I'm just now after 2 1/2 years, beginning to understand that I have some problems and I don't think they are going away.

I work for a CPA firm, who in 2005/2006 tax season (long work hours) were very understanding, 2006/2007 tax season didn't say much about my performance, 2007/2008 I'm constantly be called out about mistakes I make, looks from coworkers like 'are you stupid' I can't follow the simpliest instructions, my thought process is very very slow....

Thank you for reading "my story" as I know each of us has our own 'story' of this...

I've got to go get ready for work...I'll be back on later today, If I remember it *smiles*

Thanks

Melek

I'm not sure if I am posting correctly to the forums. I also have a hard time reading/comprehending due to vestibular issues from the concussion. I haven't been able to finish the one book I started to read before falling can't get throught the first chapter... in 2 1/2 years...I used to read a book a month - loved reading....I still write well thank heavens....my fingers seem to be able to grasp the thoughts in my brain and flow to the paper...I don't proof read well though

I'd like to get involved with talking with others who like me suffer from long-term issues of concussion....

[Lucy]

Hi melek,

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to reply to you. You are similar to me. In short I am 52 years old and have been a legal executive (like your para legals apparently) for over 20 years.

In 2001 I hit my head twice withing 6 weeks and have had pcs ever since and it has been a nght mare. I have continued with my job part time ever since and it has been a huge struggle. I do property conveyancing, subdivisions, tax and estate planning etc.

My symptons sound a lot like yours, I was a perfectionist and that makes things harder as well. About 2 months ago a client fired me and I simply burst into tears and that was it I haven't been at work since. My gp has given me 3 months off and I guess I will have to decide what I want to do. My employer has told me that I can have a year off work if I like - I was only doing 3 hours per day. The biggest problem is that I can't keep up with the changin laws etc - I am ok up to my accident but new information is hard work for me and I do know that I have a learning disability now - I who was so quick and found learning so easy!

I was a great reader also - I can manage "light stuff" now - it has taken a while - I don't bother with anything like James Mitchener.

Do you need to work? I believe if you can take some time off you might feel a little better. Unfortunately I was stuck with working as my husband left after my accident and I think all the grief etc had a bad effect on recovery.

Anyway let me know how you are doing and we can compare notes - feel free to ask me any questions.

Lynlee

[melek]

Hi Lynlee,

Thank you so much for responding to me. It does appear we are on the same path with the same issues.

I sent a response last night, but I don't see it here this morning. I'm really having probems navagating this forum. I don't seem to have the understanding of it. But I will!

I got through the busy season at my office, I was working 7 days a week for about a month...but it didn't go well. I think my work place is documenting my mistakes, my forgetting things in order to fire me. They, like most of world, do not understand what is 'wrong' with me unless you are living it...and I certainly don't wish that on anyone.

I'm just now coming to terms that I truly do have some heavy issues that are not going away and I'm not going to be the person I was before the fall. It's a very hard reality for me. I've always been the strong one, the one people came to for help I was the backbone of my family, work and friends and now I lean on them.

Since I didn't seem to post my reply to you last night, to answer your question, yes I have to work. Though I do realize I am not going to be able to do this job much longer. It is too stressful for me and in reality I can't do the job, it is more than I am capable of handling/understanding....I'm looking in newspapers, online for a lesser job, which of course means less money and I worry that I will not be able to do it either.

For whatever reason I'm on this path, I know there is light and I'll be in a positive place as all life trials have always put me in a more positive place......

I look forward to chatting with you.

Kay

[Lucy]

Here I am appolgising again for taking so long to come back to you.

I have spent about 2 months of my 3 months off work sick - bronchitis, chest infections, damaged rib cartilage from coughing so hard, allergy to the voltaren injections I had for bad headaches - on and on - I never used to get sick! This is why I haven't been around much lately.

I have been sent by my insurer to their psychiatrist and psychologist. The psychiatrist has doubled my anti depressant and I am now on 2x75gm efexor and he says don't think about going back to work until this is sorted out. Had 3and half hours of psych testing with psychologist - she said I did above average on most of it - always do - then ended up with bad headache/vomiting and more jabs in the bottom - just lovely!. I keep having to tell "them" yes I can function until I end up so, so tired with shocking headaches etc and then it is all down hill from there!

I am seriously thinking of changing jobs - I have had time to think and admit to myself that I can no longer do what I was doing. Trying not to think of it as failure and more like "OK, I have done that now what else can I do?" My biggest problem is who would want to employ somebody who has to have a brain nap for a half hour at 11.30 am and needs to go to bed at 2.30pm for an hour?? Not many!!

It is very very hard to admit that you can't do your job, especially when you are so qualified to do it and have always done it so well. It has taken a lot of tears and grief for me to admit this.

Please let me know how your are doing as I have been thinking about you.

Lynlee

[melek]

Hi Lucy!!

I've been thinking about you wondering where you are.

I'm coming to terms that I am not the person I was nor will I be that person again.....it's like a rebirth...it's not going to be a burden but an adventure.....

You like me have always thought of ourselves as how we performed at work....work being very important for our egos. After all work is who we were. I am a so'n so....my job is so'so...well obviously that is not to be any longer.

We have to redefine ourselves.

We need to stop thinking with our heads and start thinking with our hearts as to who we are and we will be able to find the way to sucess in 'work' whatever it maybe and in our lives.

There is no going back....as there is darkness there now...our only way is forward, which is bright with light...like a blank canvas waiting and here we are....don't think about what to paint we need to just paint.

I took some sort of pill last night the my doctor prescribed for my headaches and nerve issues...I don't usually take any meds. I now remember why, I was totally drunk of that one little pill. I couldn't feel nor react to much of anything.....I was numb. I will not live that way, a pill to sleep/a pill to wake/a pill to be happy.

I'm looking to my heart to find my path and if I don't think with my head (as I have always done) it will come....

I have a connection to you though this injury we both have had....I'd like to encourage you and you me. To write, to express.

I look forward to hearing back from you...

Remember we have bright light all around us, ahead is light behind is dark...

Melek

[Lucy]

Good to read your thoughts.

My psychologist told me just a few days ago to think with my heart about wether to try and keep working. It is so hard to get your head around though. As for the first 2 -4 years I was told there was nothing wrong with me - sure there isn't apart from when I get tired. I can do ok when not tired but I know I don't think as fast and if something goes wrong it is hard to stay calm. At these times I probably can do better than the average person BUT when the fog comes in and I am fighting my way through it I would not like relying on myself too well, plus when I am like that I get dizzy and can literally fall over. I am at the stage that all I can do is fall into bed and shut my eyes.

I have had some idiot testing about vocations (by the insurer of course). They came up with as my no 1 a property developer - haha - imagine the hours and stress plus the funding! another was an accounts clerk - possible retraining and open plan - great for noise. I am not being negative about these just for the sake of it.

I went shopping with my sister in law a short time ago and had a fun time - she is about 55 and can be a bit of a granny and I had fun telling her what to try on etc and was offered a job in a little outlet store - I thought that they were joking, but sister in law said that they were serious - maybe I cover lunch hours in selected boutique style stores?

To stop working and receive insurance I would have to prove that I am incapable of working. At the moment I receive 80% of previous salary as I am certified incapable. As soon as I am certified able of working some hours per day I will have to or I will not receive any insurance at all. I am so used to fending for myself - i just don't know. Anyway I sent you a personal message with my home email address if you would like to use it to contact me.

The psychologist also told me that the high achievers who expect so much of themselves have the most difficulty coping with these injuries - lovely to hear but doesn't help. It is hard to change your brain after all these years of the ingrained habit.

Back to the working - giving up our current occupations. I do know that in my heart it would be better for me to give it up. I have felt better for the past 2-3 months not working - even though I have had these annoying bugs etc. Another thing is that I don't feel that I can bare to walk in the door of my office - my secretary has asked how I would like to celebrate my 10 year anniversary and I haven't answered her - the old me would have jumped at the chance of a celebration lunch or something. At the moment I am happy going for my walks and actually having quiet me time as I think I need to find some kind of peace in myself before going forward.

What do you think of all my rambling?

Lynlee

[vini]

hi melek I see that you read my profile it seems we have similar problems I had to give up work and we now suffer all the problems, the state in the uk dos ant cover every thing my gp wouldn't refer me to a neurologist just wants to treat me for depression,its like he has forgotten the fact i have 3 plates and 90 screws in my head my lawyer sent him a letter and he change his tune . On reading some of the posts I gather there is some medication for tbi / pcs every one is different you did bang your head and do have the symptoms so if you are able to see a consultant they maybe able to help in some way I am hoping they can fix my csf leak but I know im in this for the long hall, it can take me hours just to write an email ,I may post my symptoms for comment ,hope your situation improves kind regards vini

[melek]

Fortunately/unfortunately, I'm still trying to work. Fortunately, because I have no other source of income, unfortunately, because it is really taking a toll on me.

I'd like to know about the CSF leak you talk about. Since I had my concussion, I have had nosebleeds from the left nostril and I have a drip (clear water like fluid) from the left nostril when I bend over...nothing serious but it has been going on since the concussion.

I've had 2 MRI's of which show that I have widespread periventricular and subortical white matter high signal changes, moderate basal ganglia high signal abnormalities and fiant pontine high signal...whatever that all means. In 'short' I have as my neurologist explained to me torn nerves in my brain, which causes slow processing, memory loss, unable to learn new things and on and on it goes. In a bite I've got brain damage from a severe jarring of the brain from a fall on cement.

When I first joined this group, I was desperate, I didn't understand what was/had happened to me....my job was/is falling apart, my mind seemed to be gone, the fog I live in was too thick.

By reading and writing in this group it has really helped me to understand.

My doctors are now listening to me...I've had neuro physiological testing, which confirmed the slowness etc.

I'm learning to adjust, accept and move on. I'm on this path, I believe it is a good path, directed to where I should be....my white light continues to surround me.

I'm not 'freaking' anymore about my circumstances, I live each day...I don't beat myself up for what I can not do anymore, and I've forever thankful that I can do what I do.

After all my ramblings....(smiles) I did want to say, as I mentioned in another thread, my neurologist put me on Aricept, I know, I know, it is for Alzheimer’s....but it also has shown to help with TBI, as it helps the electrical impulses to jump/ride through the brain, which helps with memory etc. (I may not be describing it correctly...another one of those 'little' things I'm learning to deal with) I've been on it for 6 weeks now. I will not say that my memory is 'better' but I will say that I am sharper....things around me are sharper. I don't look like a deer in headlights anymore..(laughing).

I'm really interested in hearing what your doctors tell you....stay positive, follow your light.....

Melek

[vini]

Originally Posted by melek

Fortunately/unfortunately, I'm still trying to work. Fortunately, because I have no other source of income, unfortunately, because it is really taking a toll on me.

I'd like to know about the CSF leak you talk about. Since I had my concussion, I have had nosebleeds from the left nostril and I have a drip (clear water like fluid) from the left nostril when I bend over...nothing serious but it has been going on since the concussion.

I've had 2 MRI's of which show that I have widespread periventricular and subortical white matter high signal changes, moderate basal ganglia high signal abnormalities and fiant pontine high signal...whatever that all means. In 'short' I have as my neurologist explained to me torn nerves in my brain, which causes slow processing, memory loss, unable to learn new things and on and on it goes. In a bite I've got brain damage from a severe jarring of the brain from a fall on cement.

When I first joined this group, I was desperate, I didn't understand what was/had happened to me....my job was/is falling apart, my mind seemed to be gone, the fog I live in was too thick.

By reading and writing in this group it has really helped me to understand.

My doctors are now listening to me...I've had neuro physiological testing, which confirmed the slowness etc.

I'm learning to adjust, accept and move on. I'm on this path, I believe it is a good path, directed to where I should be....my white light continues to surround me.

I'm not 'freaking' anymore about my circumstances, I live each day...I don't beat myself up for what I can not do anymore, and I've forever thankful that I can do what I do.

After all my ramblings....(smiles) I did want to say, as I mentioned in another thread, my neurologist put me on Aricept, I know, I know, it is for Alzheimer’s....but it also has shown to help with TBI, as it helps the electrical impulses to jump/ride through the brain, which helps with memory etc. (I may not be describing it correctly...another one of those 'little' things I'm learning to deal with) I've been on it for 6 weeks now. I will not say that my memory is 'better' but I will say that I am sharper....things around me are sharper. I don't look like a deer in headlights anymore..(laughing).

I'm really interested in hearing what your doctors tell you....stay positive, follow your light.....

Melek

hi

it seems we are on the same path sorry to here that your work situation has not improved my employers, basically got rid of me and other managers took advantage of the situation my site guys were good though sad but true I have posted my symptoms on the board so other suffers can comment, it sounds like you may have a CSF leak which can lead to low CSF pressure I will be asking the doctors to test for it it has a distinct salty sweet taste if that makes seance if they find a leak they put a die into the CSF system and xray to pinpoint it then use a fat gaffed to fix it but I understand it can be hard to diagnose, after 30 years in the fire sprinkler industry I no a bit about fluid/ pressure and leaks as and engineer not a doctor, have you told your doctor ? I will be seeing the neuro on the 18th 0f sept for the first time will keep you posted if you need to talk anytime just get in touch this forum is helping me to cope too

[melek]

Hey Vini,

I've been checking into the CSF leak issue today. I never had noise bleeds, or a dripping nose (except with a cold) ever, until the fall.

I found a link that may be of interest to you....

www.csfleak.com

It also has links to other sites regarding CSF -

Maybe it will help you through the hurdles of this condition...

Trust your light...follow your path

Melek