ok, ok.
i just talked to my mom. she's the only one who's had the courage to tell me what i really didn't want to hear.
everyone's trying to be supportive, yeah "just milk this from your teachers," "this must be so hard" etc, im sure you've all heard this before...

tonight my mom just said to me what i haven't thought of, or forgot to think of. and maybe some of you told me too, but i just didn't listen.

I have lived with TN for the past two years. what is different now? other than im on shitty meds. but if i know they make me tired, who says that mental power can't over-ride that?
I have always, ALWAYS been a good student, and extremely against disappointing my teachers, my parents, and myself. so what is different now? nothing. i CAN still be a good student and daughter and the same person i was.
The doctors try to scare you, saying it always gets worse, blah blah blah. but its not any worse RIGHT NOW than it has been, in fact better. although those darn attacks will always catch me so off guard, and i may still cry a little.
I am really HOPING to have surgery, and it will be in my head, and that is scary. but i don't have to think about that right now. in fact, i've thought about everything too much for the last three or four weeks that im all 'thinked' out. i know enough to go to the next step, and that isn't for two weeks. and after that, ill think about the next step. but for tonight, i just have to finish some homework for tomorrow.

I know this might not apply to all or any of you here, i know everyone has different pain, and different meds. but i haven't missed out on anything before because of my TN, even though i didn't know thats what it was.
why should i miss out on my life, and on being happy now?
i shouldn't. and I WON'T.
I am a perfectionist by nature, so I know i couldn't live with myself if i gave up on this semester's classes, and because of it messed up the rest of my college career...so I WON'T.
I don't know if everyone has felt strong in the past, but i think everyone is capable of being strong in the face of pain and uncertainty. i hope you all have gone through this type of personal revelation, or will someday.

I have found myself again. good to be back.
-sarah

Sarah, You go girl. Keep it up.

Ahhh the lovely thing about life being lost then finding yourself again... keep hold of that powerfull feeling and live every good day to its best. hope you still come and share some of the sunshine and humor. we all can use that. and SMILE for me yeah smile right into the wind. . . cus I cant and that be cool to do to the wind. Thanks
Peace
Tina

I think I will snich some of your positive attitude and say right along with you I have had this for a while now so what is the diffrence... I CAN STILL BE ME. Thanks for sharing and spreading the good vib . and you even made me smile..inside I have a huge smile thanks a million for that .
AWESOMESKIER!!!
Peace
Burntmarshmallow...Tina

spending time at home finally with my family...
feels good.
ms consult went great! only a standard neuro-exam (tap your foot, follow my finger, etc) and no spinal taps or mris....
only 5 more days till my neorosurgery consult! hoooray!
~watching oprah winfrey guest starring on ellen... funny stuff....~
have a great weekend everyone!

ha spending time home with family ha mine cant wait to get out of house and start college she is in 10th grade. I hope she repeates your words when she dose go.!!!!
all the best at EVERY consult/ apt you have.
Many good blessings to you and yours.
Peace
Burntmarshmallow...Tina
p.s. do you play any insterments like the sax. or flute?? or sports... do you ski like your screen name ????

psshhh...
of course i ski! both snow and water, but none of that sissy cross country crap, im downhill all the way.. hahaha.
no instruments though, although i can read/play basic piano notes. don't worry about your daughter, i was exactly the same way. counldn't WAIT to get as far away as possible (which was limited to in state tuition, so minnesota/reciprocity was as far as i got). i even held a grudge against my mother for buying a house where my stepdad grew up 4 hours CLOSER to minnesota about 6 months after my acceptance here came through, but i am oh so grateful that she is only an hour and half away instead of 6.
advice: just try to keep as good of a relationship as possible through the impossible teenage years. and if you ever need any advice specifically, i happen to be a standout allstar student but still manage to have the typical college fun...and went through many arguments and personal milestones with my mother...
-almost not a teen any more...
sarah

ta haa how about jet skies???? or surfing in ocean??? oh yeah I am all about down hill ..being 40 isnt it all down hill from here ? ha ha haaaaa.
My kid too all advanced classes she in 10th grade and taking college corses already. she is in a I.B. program at school do you know what I.B. is?
I Pray when she goes to college she wont just do all the funning and skip the work but no worries yet still a while to go before that.
would you share point of view on getting drivers lie.???? did you take drivers ed. before you could get yours? I am sticking to mine taking that before she gets hers.. she already has learners and will be turning 16 this march so ... I know what she will be nagging for .. to take her real test.and I dont think so till drivers ed. what do you think from a young person p.o.v .(point of view).
And finaly how are you feeling lately, how is your pains doing? Pain free I do hope!! thanks for the chatting!
Peace Burntmarshmallow...Tina

i had to take driver's ed before i could get my permit, because we had to take the permit written test in that class. but im not sure i took a whole lot away from it, just kind of a 'right of passage' type feeling. actually taking 'behind the wheel' which we also had to take to get a license was more beneficial. so im not sure you're talking about the classroom part or the driving-with-the-instructor part. to sum up: classroom-not that important, behind the wheel: good learning. but i also extremely enjoyed just learning with my parents (back roads) until i was ready to drive on busyer streets.

pain is better, i think the meds are lessening my intensity of attacks. like, i can still feel it whenever its triggered, but its not a full-blown attack you know? the meds are lessening out a little too, not so sleepy/high all the time.
but MOST importantly, my MVD consult is tomorrow! and i have read the MVD chapter of Striking Back, which i just got last night, and was overjoyed to find my surgeon, Dr. Stephen Haines, quoted in that chapter! I feel like I've learned all that I need to know, I've written down my questions I want answered tomorrow morning, and I will NOT be pushed around to 'think about it' some more just to postpone what I KNOW i want. I'm too young to be on pills for the rest of my life which are already driving me crazy, and most likely will become ineffective after a while. i want to be fixed! even if I only get a couple years out of it without medication and pain, ill take it. but the odds are in my favor, so im going for it! woo! i am SO EXCITED!
and don't worry, im not overlooking the scary parts, i get nervous thinking about being there in pre-op about to go in, but i know in my heart that's what i need to do. so bring it on! woo!
ill post how it all goes tomorrow....

Sarah..Awesomeskier I have you in my thoughts for an outstandingly well consult at the neuro today. It is good you have the striking back book and that you have your questions and are stepping into the doc office with knowlege.. knowlege is power and b.t.w. way way cool your doc being in the mentioned book. being quoted. I had Dr. Casey fly all the way to fla. to make a showing on my behalf durring my court time.
all the best answers and long lasting sucess all the way,in every way to you Sarah.
Peace
Burntmarshmallow