Deep funk
 

DB has increased his Brintellex from 10mg to 20mg this week. His anxiety and depression is crippling him at the moment. His best buddy alcohol was such a source of comfort over the years and worked wonders to mask his anxiety and depression. His psych has told him if he can come to grips with his anxiety issues his compulsion to turn to alcohol will be considerably reduced. I hope so. We leave for our holiday break on the 22nd with the cruise departing Sydney on the 23rd. DB managed a 21 days cruise in 2011 sober, hope he can do this 7 day one the same, he will see his psych the morning before we leave. I hope she has some pearls of wisdom she can share, because from where I sit, with the benefit of knowing his indicative behaviours, a lapse is not far off (or may have happened last week triggering this deep funk?). It's a journey we are in together so all I can do is offer love, support, compassion and positive reinforcement for him. On a good note, he has lost over 10kg since he stopped drinking last August and despite all the recent dental and immune system trauma looks good. That pale puffy alcohol look is long gone & replaced by a strong lean physique, he has grown a beard and looks 10 years younger. I keep telling him he will be a "chic magnet" poolside on the ship.

PamelaJune, that sounds like good advice from DB's psych to me.

That is great that he has lost some weight and is looking good.

I hope that you both enjoy the cruise - I love the idea that he might be a chick magnet poolside :D.

:hug:

PJ
 

It is soooooo good to read all I have
The posts dated
1-3/1-7/1-12-16
On the money
Kiwi33
Awesome support
In your latter posts
I would like to hear more about
taking care of you first
It is a family disease
It is horrible
I know
As I too am a recovering alcoholic for
A little over two decades
The obsession lifted took quite some time
Entering the rooms in 1990
And got serious in 1992
A heck of a ride
Eye opening for everyone around me
It is now my children suffering addiction
Prevelent in my family blood line
And heritage
You can google
Hungarian are top in the world of alcoholics and suicide
If you google in
"Gloomy Sunday"
A brief description of us
My mother never drank
Smoked cigarettes
Gave that up in her fifties
Now with ALL of the problems she is
suffering and her age
Has become a physician induced addict
In my thought assessing her ailments
She at 76 is way to risky
She has atrial fibrillation
And goiter
And soooo many other problems
Hence my issues at my age
Having to be vigilant
And keeping negative forces can be a B***H
I know
You my dear are holding your own
Soooo proud how you have described handling him
and the situation at hand
Empowering yourself is just beautiful stuff
I so pray for the both you enjoying this upcoming trip
And pray for his very sick sister
You go girl
With much love and support
Me

And we're off
 

First leg of the holiday, fly to Sydney Australia. Woohoo. We are both stressed to the max, I said at 3.30 when we got up, it's not to late to cancel... DB says we gotta keep on living a life, but he knows how terrified I am of his funk and with his mindset the balcony offers a quick step off. Sorry to sound maudlin but he really is agitated. I'm thinking now I should never have gone ahead with this, of course when we booked he had a semblance of control, drinking yes, but able to high function. Sadly as we know 12 months ago the high functioning came non functioning. He seems positive this morning but the last two nights unbearable and back to taking Valium, hadn't taken any for over 3 months.
On a positive note, the chic magnet still looks good so that's what we've got to embrace, look good, feel good and live for the moment, the minute, the hour the day, tomorrow is tomorrow and we can't worry about it. :hug:

I hope that you both have a relaxing time on the cruise :).

Pam,
Not sure why Vallium is a problem for him in his recovery program. I have been taking (2) 5mg' Vallium since spinal surgery 9 years ago (The Vallium was originally given to me while in the hospital). I often cut them in half.

Again, just curious where this fits in and whether this may help him thru some of the bad times. Is taking the Vallium off and on a problem??

I pray both of you have a wonderful enjoyable cruise/vacation. Heaven knows it is time for both of you to enjoy one another.

Gerry

Hi Gerry, DB had Valium only prescribed when he gave up alcohol 6 months ago, they won't prescribe it for him long term as it causes more problems down the track with dependency and his psychologist doesn't want him to take it, he had to take the Valium because his craving is massive and are left over from when I was prescribed last year.

We went out for dinner tonight with his two aunts and one uncle, lovely night out with good food and company, he got through it and seems to be ok. In better spirits tonight than the last few.

Enjoy the cruise! I love cruises....but that was back when I was drinking....

We are home and still sober
 

We enjoyed the short break, it was a difficult 7 nights for sure but as usual I'm in awe of his mental strength. Sleep has been his salvation, but also a worrying concern (sleeps in a deep sleep for hours and hours throughout the day). I'm glad to be home safe n sound.

It is good to read that you both enjoyed the break :).

Save and sound
 

Happy to read it was a good thing in the end
Sleep
There are so many different kinds of problems
One thing I know for myself
It is something that was depleted and reduced to
if I was lucky three hours
It is very important for the body to heal
And then the depressing kind
You have been so selfless in this all
Be well
Always here
Love
Me

Pam,

So glad all went well and home safely. Reading in between the lines; it appears you felt stressed because of worry what might happen. I hope both of you did enjoy some good times. You are his strength. If nothing else; it was a change of environment. (You mentioned his deep sleep throughout the day; do you know if was he taking vallum? If so, this could be the reason.)

I was counting the days when you would be home and wondering how soon afterwards you would post. I knew you left on a Tuesday, the 22nd so figured the ship must have docked yesterday morning, Tuesday, the 29th.

Thanks for the update.


Gerry

Hi Gerry, Valium not the cause, only took one on the first night and then just relied on the Campral. I think he is in major depressive mode, he slept from the time we got home yesterday on the couch in the front room and eventually went to bed early evening, still asleep in bed now the next day. While it is quiet for me due to him being so on edge and irritable, it is not a good quiet as I'm still worried about him. I do wonder if he is BP 2. Anyway, he is safe and well. He put on 2.5kg, not that I can see it so he reckons I need new glasses. I put on .5 kg, I'm happy with that:)

Pam,
That is a bit worrisome. Do you think it would be possible to get him to go for a check-up? Even if there is depression; I would think his getting into some deep sleeping is still a bit unusual.

I pray you will be able to keep your spirits up. This has been very stressful. Hopefully the "rainbow" will soon peek thru seeing both of you enjoying one another.


Gerry

It's been a difficult week. DB still holding onto his sobriety and I'm sure it has been tough for him. His psych believes he is just "bored" and not suffering from anything else. He has some new tapes / recordings he has been listening to and since Monday seems to be full of energy. He ebbs and flows from one extreme to another, a deep funk to brimming with energy and singing at top strength, talking non stop. He is working overtime this coming weekend and then has his introduction / orientation to the mankind project on Monday evening. Fingers xd he doesn't burn out before it and reneg on going.

Taking ones inventory
 

It is not a topic persons like to talk about in sobriety
I having to hang up on my child
This be my grandchild's mother
No more suggestions I have offer
They are exhausted
Yet
I must hang up after telling her
ENOUGH WITH THE EXCUSES
that's it
Then I get a call from her
After not calling her daughter for days
Is taking my inventory
As of she knows what the hell is going on
How she wants to talk to a lawyer about getting custody
of her daughter
How it would be easier that way to get her back
I told her exactly what the judge had to say
Get clean and sober
Give me a profile of yourself
I reminded her of this
I told her I will not agree
to giving the baby back in her care
until she does what she must
And that be a year sober and clean
A home for her and Eva
Clothes and food
This is when I will agree to let her go
Am I nuts
Or is my daughter really
Kidding
She thinks by lifting the responsibility I took on
is something I will give up without good cause
Really
Is she kidding
I ask her all the time
Are you sober
No
No
No
And I tell her when will you get sober
Then the violin comes out with the excuses excuses
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired
It is not a good feeling where I am right now
Sober I am another year
One day at a time
This my family can take with them
A sober mother
A sick sober mother
I need to get stronger
My body is failing me
My neck is worse then ever
Will ask for a MRI
something is up
What
I have no clue
But I feel it
It is strong
And I have to fight
Fight the fight
Have to fight the fight
Know that being sober
Nobody can take that from me
I have a job ahead of me
I need to feel wonderful
Not smothered with all this baggage
Baggage that isn't even mine

My Sunday meeting is my home group
My child's father will be there
And I want to not behave in a misunderstood manner
we share mutual people who know that he is my childs father
It will be uncomfortable for him not me
The weather does not allow that yet
But it is coming
And I have all intentions on speaking on many topics
that will pertain to him in many ways
This I cannot help
It will be spoken of
And he will be the only other one who knows the truth
This day will be a doozy
This I am prepared for
I think
As I leave what I cannot control
In my Gods hands
Only one day at a time
Letting go and letting God
will take some of my burdens off my shoulders
how having to be vigilant in it all
don't know
i cannot be fearful of anything
if i stand in the truth
my child has addict behavior
i have reason to worry
it is difficult
on so many levels

it is half past twelve
Eva's mother calls
can't shop today
maybe tomorrow
this is what it is reduced to
sad
sad
sad i am
Me

Note:
I was to post this elsewhere
Apologies
Me

That all sounds very positive about DB :).

DB seems a bit more upbeat; almost like my daughter who deals with mood swings, along some with some bi-piolar ups and downs.
After doing rehab a couple of times, she has been drug free for several years now.

My daughter has been working with parents as well as those on herion, alcohol, etc. the past few years. She took her exam yesterday and happily, she passed. She now is a Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor (CADC). Last year she became a Certified Recovery Support Specialist for Mental and Substance Abuse (CRSS).

Prayers and fingers crossed for the success of your husband's intro/orientation on Monday.


Gerry

You are blessed to have each other
 

Dear Pam,
Through this difficult time of transition to sobriety, the one shining star that never seems to fade is your deep and unwavering love and devotion to each other. You have truly been there and by his side, through every level of his transition and you never give up on him. He is a lucky man to have you at his side dear girl. You have a compassionate and caring heart and even though you have had your struggles, you two seem supremely devoted to making your relationship work. God Bless you both Pam. Love, D.

I so agree. Their devotion is an inspiration to all who have followed their journey..


Gerry

Still keeping on
 

Went to the football on Sunday, other than ticket seat costs we only spent $5. Probably used to spend $105 or more. Sobriety is awesome

Yes. It. Is.

PamelaJune, that is really good to read :).

Hey Pam,
You are a $100 ahead of previous games. Going to the games is a real plus for both of you.
Keep "keeping on"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gerry

Footy again this weekend
 

DB bought a flask for tea or coffee to take, 2 small bottles of water and some biscuits to nibble on. I'm going to make a chicken wrap and take as well. Won't bother buying the footy record this weekend, $5 and all it contained last week was rubbish advertising. Should be a tight game, providing our team play well for 4 quarters DB should be ok, last time he sat still for 3 hours on tenterhooks. Love my mans dedication to sobriety. He is a powerhouse atm.

I hope that you both enjoy the footy.

I reckon that DB is doing really well :).

Pam,
It appears things are going in a good direction; especially going to the game with a flask for tea/coffee. How did the game turn out? I hope with a "win".


Gerry

Hi Gerry, I hope with a win... The match is Sunday in the afternoon, wet weather predicted and the ticket seats I bought for this years season are not under cover! The last 5 years we sat always in an area adjacent to the bar in the stadium, I stupidly thought the tier levels would be consistent throughout the entire ground, turns out not! Tier 2 is under cover all throughout the ground with the exception of gate entry 24 thru 26. I bought seats in a different part hoping to help ease DB with it being in an area where alcohol is not permitted? Oh well, we have rain coats. The weather report indicates rain between 2 & 6 the game starts at 2.40 and finishes about 5.40. We should get a thorough drenching!

Hi Pam,
Hope the rain didn't ruin the game. But the "upside" of rain occurring could always make for good cuddling under the raincoats.
Hope the game ended with a "win"!!!!!!!!!!


Gerry

We won.... It rained only in the 2nd Qtr, maintained sobriety. Good effort all round!

Good effort indeed!

I am glad that your team got up and that you and DB enjoyed yourselves :).

The dental saga continues
 

Another $5k today and another 2 hours in the chair for DB. Next appt June 2nd, supposed to be about 90minutes and apparently the last session. I hope so, I am truly proud he has got through this without a lapse. I'm not sure I would have been as strong! His next hurdle is May 28th, my brothers surprise 60th and mothers 85th. A day apart birthdays so a combined surprise celebration organised by my niece. It should be a nice occasion.

That is great about DB!

The combined birthday event sounds pretty cool to me - I hope that all enjoy it :).

Pam,

I've been in that "chair" far too often. The work I'm in the process of having is 12k; but I'm not dealing with the issue of sobriety either. This appears to be a "test run" that should hopefully prepare DB for the birthday celebrations. Both of you deserve an enjoyable time without fear of relapse.

Gerry

Party behind us
 

Well it was a lovely evening, and the family arriving from over East an excellent surprise. Suffice to say DB got through the evening, and then attending the football match the following day but has not fared well mentally since. No lapse, but he is mentally drained and unable to get out of bed. Hopeful tomorrow will be better for him and he can pull himself out and face his hour and a bit long drive journey to and then from work following a 12 hour shift. Called in sick today, seems to be completely shattered, slept virtually 24 hours.

Sorry to hear that, but I guess you know it's not unexpected. As much as it is fun to see relatives and go to the game, it is also mentally draining to go through it sober. Either from fighting the urge or from the fear that it might go wrong (which was always on my mind in the beginning). It also sounds like a depression that isn't totally handled yet, but there are no miracles and it's not easy to find the right medication and counseling. Many people use the word "PAWS" for this (post accute withdrawal syndrome), and while not everybody gets that, many do in those first months. The brain is constantly rewiring, the body is healing, and all that takes a lot of energy and brings you out of balance. The longer you are sober (at first), the more you are confronted with the memories of the recent past, and it's daunting to think about the madness that happened so recently, and the fear of not being able to continue to fight it off. That said, the worst days of PAWS are nothing compared to a day of drinking and all that follows. The good news is that it clears up. It can be quite a journey, but most of us see things clear up after 6 months to a year (it took about 9 months for me to get out of this weird state of confusion, guilt, fear, and fog). It's important that he knows that a) it's absolutely not unusual and b) it won't always be this way. The worst will be over soon, and he's doing a great job.

Pamela, I am glad that the evening went well.

I think that Wide-O is right; I reckon that DB should be very proud of all of his achievements.

Pam,
How are you handling DB's mental issues? I know things have been very draining for you as well. It has to be difficult for both of you.


Gerry

Thank you Wide-O, I didn't know that. It makes so much sense. I'm supporting as much as I can without hovering. He called in sick again today, I think that's a good thing as weird as it sounds, I worry about him driving such a long distance in this state. He has a psych appt tomorrow, she is really good with him and usually within a day of seeing her he regains ground. It is 6 months today since his lapse. We don't count days anymore, he began to find that stressful, like he was counting up to a day in his mind where a miracle would occur...

Thank you
 

Hi Wide-O, I shared with DB what you wrote, it seemed to resonate and today he seems much calmer and in sync with his bodies rythem. Yoga for him tomorrow on his RDO, it also seems to help. Has also registered for the mankind project in October, all positive steps moving forward and of course the gym still features almost daily, he looks the fittest I've ever known him to be.

Sadly his sister now has peripheral neuropathy and very bad at that by the sound! The good news is she hasn't had a drink for 5 months, but the PN seems to be getting progressively worse.