Pam,
You going straight on with the issues confronting DB; his outbursts; his little innuendos deliberately causing you to wonder what he means....did he or didn't he? It's apparently his way of not denying or admitting. You are the woman who chased down, what apparently could have been a terrible incident at work, causing you not to even think for a moment what this could all mean to you physically and mentally. Yes; DB said this was irresponsible, etc., etc., but because you are that woman, you are still there tackling what for many would be almost impossible to deal with. He, hopefully, prayerfully, will one day realize how fortunate he is to be married to "that woman".

Gerry

Anniversary
 

Celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary yesterday. We laughed, who would have imagined us in a restaurant with only a Japanese sushi train offering delightful temptations to delve into while drinking tea. We had a really lovely sober day.

Pamela, that is really great :)!

Pam,
Congratulations to both of you on celebrating 24 years of marriage.

The 25th will be time for a really"big" celebration; with of course tea or coffee and a lovely anniversary cake for desert.


Gerry

Pam,

I have not been on here in quite some time, but I just wasted to congratulate the two of you on your 24th a few days late.

Xmas leave approved
 

DB has had his leave approved and will go home to see his dad for Xmas and NY. I'm really pleased he has this chance. His dad is 75 with Parkinsons and had his right leg amputated at knee stump 23 years ago. Seems like a lifetime, he never complains. I will stay home as I'm not well enough to fly, and it means the pets aren't disrupted. We went to our friends 30th wedding anniversary party on Saturday. Held in a pub and DB handled it really well. The leg he injured weeks ago may need surgery, has a 7cm tear in the calf with an 8cm hematoma, has to see an ortho surgeon next week, that coupled with learning he needs hearing aids and injuring his shoulder again on Friday has made for challenging days and yet he has handled it well. 270 days since his last drink and 402 since a bender. I'm hopeful he will have everything resolved before Dec 16 particularly getting the hearing aids, I think it will make a huge difference to his confidence and he agrees, apparently he has been deaf in one ear for a very long time, maybe even since childhood.

Pamela, that is all excellent news :).

It sounds to me that DB is doing a great job in dealing with his various health problems.

Pam,
Good news about DB getting leave to visit with his dad plus he obviously was really tested going to a party in a pub. Pray he continues with counting days added to the ones he has already accomplished. Your support has really been key to his wanting to remain sober.

Pam, I don recall your mentioning before how DB's tear in the leg and injury to the shoulder occurred??? I wish I could mention a hearing aid to my husband; but his ego would be very upset if I suggested it.

Gerry

Hi Pam,
Congratulations on your anniversary(a bit late:o).
We have our 25th anniversary this month.

It is so great to read all the happy posts about DB's successes with his sobriety journey. You have both surmounted so many obstacles in the past few years, it is rather remarkable. Just wanted to say how happy I am for you both.
My best,
D.

No surgery
 

Good news, no surgery to the leg required, the hearing aids are ordered and will arrive on the 20th October. They are only a cool $10,000 after medical insurance rebate and discounts... Came as quite a shock I can tell you! $15-20k outlay on the teeth and we haven't booked his flights home yet. It's a good thing I went back to work and we aren't drinking.

Thankfully DB does not need surgery. but WOW; there have been some pretty high price expenses. Didn't realize hearing aids are so costly. Also, adding to that are the flight bookings .I hope you will be able continuing working. I know it's not easy with all the pain you deal with. As I mentioned before; I am very impressed with your drive and accomplishments.

As far as the expenses with teeth; I can attest to that. Every tooth in my mouth is either crowned or caped; along with two permanent partials.
(I was 10 years old when I had my first cap put in my front tooth. It came in decayed and fillings kept falling out; eventually the dentist drilled the entire tooth to the root and put in a screw where a cap was placed. (Kids can be cruel; at school while I was waiting for the cap to be put completed; I was being as teased about being toothless and 4 eyed (eyeglasses).

How many days for DB??? Who's counting; right?? Really good for him to be all fixed and ready for his visit with his dad.

Continued prayers for both of you.


Gerry

246 days sober
 

424 since a bender Gerry. Both counts are important to him particularly in the lead up to going home where he has an alcoholic sister who has lapsed and a family who don't really understand alcoholism as a problem. The village where they come from is rife with it. I totally get his worries, but, seeing his dad is so important in more ways than I can explain. There is a good chance he will learn many sorry truths when home this time. Sobriety will make them hard to hear - if he has the courage to go there. I have mixed feelings about it all, he wants/needs to know the truth, I'm just not sure this time home is the time to learn it. His dad is not the best and digging up stuff 40 to 50 years old may hurt them both. Learning the truth may help heal old wounds and allow him to move on, or it could trigger an unwanted lapse encouraged by his siblings. Either way, I will be here when he gets home and we will deal with what ever comes as we always do.

Pamela, I respect you far too much to even think about sugar-coating this.

DB's time with his family will not be easy for him - lots of possible triggers there.

From what you have shared here I reckon that he has made a lot of progress so probably he will cope well.

One thing that I am sure about is that you will be there for him no matter how it turns out - I admire both of you.

:hug:

Pam,
I remember when my daughter was going thru treatment; the doctor running the program at the nearby hospital drew a picture on the blackboard of a tree and branches; then saying the "apple" does not fall far from the tree. It will be a real test for DB. Definitely he will not be in a good environment. Knowing his dad's health issues might help him overlook some of the things he says; especially when bringing up hurtful things from the past. it would be good for him to avoid his siblings as much as possible.

You went thru the long period when DB was in treatment. This might bring up memories of the waiting. Tho there have been difficult times for both of you, knowing you are there and have been there will certainly be very helpful for him.


Gerry

Mankind project weekend
 

Well the weekend away has arrived. They seem well organised, each participant takes a meal big enough for 3 (DB made lasagne for at least 5) coordinated the travel with 4 of them leaving from here at 4pm, will be back Sunday evening and they have a graduation ceremony Monday night. No alcohol or drugs permitted on site. He has been teamed up with a "sponsor" who has been in contact twice this week - sharing advice on prep, clothing, bedding etc. where they are going is a fantastic location, very popular for camping / glamping weekends with loads of activities on and off the water. They don't tell them what is involved in advance so as to not ruin the experience. Will update next week. DB feeling excited, nervous and resolute! :eek:

Pam,

This is great experience for him. How wonderful and so rewarding. Looking forward to

updates.


Gerry

It went well, it's been a draining week and I don't have the energy to post much. Will do on the weekend. ITMT He's home safe, well and in a good place from what I can see and hear.

Pamela, that is good to read :).

Thanks for the update Pam,
Looking forward to more details when you are up to it.


Gerry

DB has come back from his weekend much calmer & seemingly focussed on the positives. It sounds like they have a huge input of support workers to assist in the program delivery almost 2 to every 1 plus Doctors, OT, Psych and Social workers.

The final night is an award night, 23 of the 30 participants were present, 7 gave their apologies. Each participant gives thanks and if willing, partners get up and say a few words. I did, it was quite overwhelming as there would have been at least 100 friends, loved ones & family members in the room. Our 2 nephews accompanied me (both in their 30's) I thanked the men for their openness and willingness to share brief moments. I then thanked DB and explained I was once asked in a similar open forum who my hero was - at that time I said DB and nothing has changed, he always has been and always will be. I closed with it's been a tough 10 years but together we can still laugh and cherish the good times.

Pamela, that is awesome.

It is great that the award night went so well. I reckon that you and DB deserve each other :).

Pam,

The final night will be something the two of you will always share and remember. So happy you were able to participate. Being accompanied by your nephews was a real "plus". I think DB is as proud of you as you are of him.

Do you have a program similar to AA in Australia where DB can continue with support for his lifetime commitment?? My daughter, even after almost 20 years, attends meetings on a regular basis. She says this has really helped with her sobriety.

Prayers for a continuing commitment for both of you.


Gerry

Hi Gerry, he has support & they have sessions available to attend if he chooses to and that's been ever since last year. MKP is offering weekly sessions for the next 8 weeks and then it seems there are more, plenty more. He is going tomorrow night. He won't do AA on account of his job. Too many faces there:eek: who would recognise him.

Long day - 311 days sober
 

I was taken from home at 12.25am in ambulance, of course that shocked DB into wide awake state, the Valium he had taken earlier only lasting 4 hours. He dozed until 5 and then embarked on a full house clean so when I come home from hospital there will be nothing for me to do, very sweet, needless to say he also had Pilates at 7am, retic man at noon, gp at 2 and audiologist at 4 then visit me and from hospital straight to his MKP night session. Home by 10pm and so tired, over tired couldn't sleep. A bevy didn't cross his mind once, how good is that! 311 days sober 449 since a bender. My DB still my hero, love him dearly. Don't fancy having to have emergency ambulance calls to often in the future but wow this one sparked him from a descending funk that filled him with gloom from Saturday to when I left him in the driveway standing early hours of Thursday morning. This journey of ours is binding.

Pam,

You always seem to bring out the positive; even in a scary situation as this emergency.

This was what it took to bring him our of staying in a dark place. DB really is your "hero". On Nov. 5th, 311 days sober; but who's counting???

This shows how important both of you working together has affected his desire to remain sober.




Gerry

Deep Funk
 

The dreaded Black Dog cloud has descended, DB very distressed and is asleep as I type. It's mid-day. We had the retic man round to fix the retic, ticked box, appliance man booked for tomorrow afternoon another ticked box. Even as we get things repaired he seems to be slipping further away. Mentioned last night the urge to drink has been horrendous these last 2 days. His exhaustion I'm sure is connected to the mental battle he is facing. I'm deeply concerned and don't know what to do, he asked me this morning what I thought about joint suicide. I replied it would kill our parents. I've suggested he contact his MKP support but he doesn't seem able to find the will to even make a phone call. Of course I'm not contemplating a joint suicide ever But I admit this last month has tested my own strength. I can only do what I can do and deal with whatever the cards turn up when they do. I wish I was stronger, I wish I was who I used to be.

Pamela, I am sorry to read that DB is struggling at the moment.

I have heard good things about MKP support - I hope that he can reach out to them.

Please remember that you are a strong and brave person - I really admire you.

:hug:

I think it's humanly impossible to be even stronger Pamela.

I have no practical advice, as you probably know better than I do that his depression somehow needs to be addressed. Hopefully, when he has a clear moment, you can talk him into focusing on getting that treated with all the urgency it deserves, with medication if needed. I always take talk of suicide very seriously. And I do hope you can somehow get some help too, to keep this bearable for you. As strong as you are, this might be a good time to also think about you.

Pam,
Is there any chance of getting in touch with anyone in particular that DB appeared to respect during his weekend rehab/retreat? I believe you were present the closing night.

Physically and emotionally Pam, you need to seek counseling. There is only so much you can handle on your own; even for someone with a strong determined personality. Thank you for sharing with us. Please do continue.

Just a thought; DB was planning to visit his father during the holidays. Do you think DB might consider going for his visit with father now instead of waiting for the holidays? It might get his mind off the present "funk" having something to plan for now....

Praying for both of you....

Gerry

Hi Gerry, his annual leave & flights are all booked. Flying from Aus to Uk. Leaves Dec 16. Seems a little better tonight, I made Beef Lasagna to get some (pasta ) carbs in him, extra cheese for protein & planned steak & veg with extra greens for tomorrow night. I'm thinking he's low on Seratonin, also wondering BP type 2? as it seems to come in cycles, he will be up up and then crashes low. He has booked to see his GP & men's health specialist on the 28th & has blood tests on the 24th.

I've tried to get him to talk to MKP but he won't, he is going Thursday night to his weekly session, hopefully it will help. I'm going to email the lead bloke & give him a heads up incase something happens to upset him further. It seems these weekly sessions are highly emotional. Not that I know much of what happens.

Pam,

Seeing the doctor and getting some lab work may give some in sight as to any physically issues DB may possibly be dealing along with the mental stress.

I think getting in touch with the lead person is a good idea. It will help him see DB in a different setting, especially the up and downs he is going through. Hopefully he may be able to give you some ideas on handling the situation as well as guidance.

Hang in there "dear lady"....

Gerry

Blood results are in, DB liver 100% - the best it can be! That's the good news, the not so good is he is still fighting a blood infection and his testosterone levels very low despite having fortnightly injections. Now he will have his Testosterone injections every 10 days and nothing they can offer for the blood. I think I will give him some VitB complex and zinc these next 3 weeks before he flies home. That is starting to weigh on him a bit, stressing over what he will pack / wear (makes me laugh) anyway he got Valium from the GP along with a letter stating what meds he is on so he is as prepared for being there as he can be. I will help him pack closer to the 16th. Not sure if seeing his psych before he goes

Pam,
Do the doctors have any idea why he continues dealing with this blood infection? Also wonder how much the Testosterone levels being low is causing the mood issues. I would think it might compare to our dealing with hormone imbalance.

It appears you might be little amused watching him choose "what to pack" for his trip. I really so hope the visit with his father will go well. Maybe even resolving some issues. DB really deserves credit for his decision to visit with him while he still can.


Gerry

Pamela, that is great about DB's liver :)!

I really hope that his blood infection gets better soon.

I can relate to your amusement about the packing thing. My approach, with help from my partner, is to look at what I want to pack and then halve it. This usually works...

Need your expert advice
 

Black Dog back again, deep funk descending. DB leaves in 7 nights, Xmas parties we were attending this weekend he has asked we cancel. Drink he says is weighing heavy on his mind. Says I call it Boo Ha drinking so he won't talk with me about it, his statement last night is I make a joke of how he is feeling about it all. God the last thing I find is it's funny and I would never trivialise his feelings and angst over it. In short, I think with the trip upon him he feels it's inevitable he will drink. I can only pray he doesn't on the journey over there, having been sober for a year coupled with in the air one will swiftly go to his head.

I am in a quandary and I don't know what to do so I'm asking for your advice. DB family are all big (huge) drinkers, they are well known in the village and all in their day have behaved badly, so much so they have a reputation some would say respect, some would say fear. They are / were all very handy with their fists. I've witnessed it myself, driving the car with the two brothers DB & bro in the back, it was summer with the windows down, some peanut trying to run me off of the road, they pulled up alongside me and saw the boys in the back of the car. I clearly heard them say #### it's the ***** boys and broke off leaving me well clear. Anyhow I digress, it's not a life DB has lived for 25 years but his family still have reputation and people are want to buy them drinks everywhere they go. DB family war cry is (I call it that) Ahh one won't hurt you. In DB case one will.

Do I write to his family and say, while none of us can prevent DB from drinking & nor should we hold ourselves responsible if he chooses to, can you refrain from encouraging him?

I can clearly hear in my head his Da saying "one won't hurt" along with the brother & the sister over the years. In the past I've been there and managed to head off incidents except for 2013 trying to make his way home from the pub took a short cut and slipped trying to cross over the low slate fence with iron railings hitting his temple. He lay in the snow for 5 hours before anyone found him, (they thought he was dead) ambulance took him to hospital and the blow to his temple was severe enough to warrant great concern along with hypothermia. Am I worried, you bet I am. Is he worried, yes I believe he is. I feel ill typing this, I wish I was going with him, I am so fearful something bad is going to happen.

So do I write to the family or not? Should I turn up and surprise him just b4 Xmas ? I feel so torn and anxious. DB says he is worried about me falling ill & going to hospital - who will look after the animals he keeps saying. I'm working hard on not falling ill. I'm drinking water (only) 2 days a week and carefully monitoring everything I eat the other 5. I'm in a real quandary ....

If you would ask me what to do - but this is from a total outsider - I would consider cancelling the trip. I know that sounds harsh and impractical, but in this state, going to that kind of environment (you describe it all too well...) could end badly, as you surely know.

I feel emboldened to make that recommendation as I just got news from my best friend that he is taking care of one of his life long friends, whom he needed to take to ECU a few days ago during detox. Turns out that friend has cirrhosis, enough said. :(

I don't write this to scare you, I write it because I know, for me, there is nothing more important in this world than to stay sober and thus to survive as long as possible. I check every decision I make against the possibility of getting in a bad situation, and take evasive action when needed.

Just a thought: maybe DB feels very uncomfortable too, plus, he is worried about your health. Sometimes, a lie is not a lie, and maybe he "needs to stay with you as you are doing poorly." You could always check if he is favorable to that kind of reasoning? Go next year, when he might feel less vulnerable?

Just throwing it out there, who knows it would be a relief for him too. Obviously, it has to be his decision, but maybe sitting down and considering the options could be a possibility?

Whatever you guys decide, I hope he gets through it in a good way.

Pamela, I think that Wide-O has offered you some wise thoughts to consider.

:hug:

I, too, agree with Wide-O.

Pam,
DB's family does not sound like you would be able to approach them with asking them to be of assistance avoiding the drinking. There might be a chance that might even instigate the problem with them knowing you are trying to prevent his drinking.

I know it's getting a little late for cancelling; but maybe next year he might be stronger. Can you come up with some excuse that he is needed at home?


Gerry

Thank you to you all for your replies and much appreciated advice. We've had an open conversation this week about cancelling and or me accompanying him, DB very appreciative of your advice & he was wavering on cancelling. But all that's changed now with a Skype call last night from my brother in law, sadly the old man worsening seemingly almost overnight. His Parkinson's has progressed to the next stage and DB believes (as do I) this will definitely be the last Christmas. Dad is hanging on to the thought DB will be there by midnight Thursday and it seems it's the only thing keeping him going. The new medication is cruelling and his hallucinations so much worse. DB saw his psych on Saturday & she has given him her mobile & said he can call at any time if he is at risk. He has sensible plans & if he sticks with them he will succeed. Whatever happens it's a journey that needs to be taken sooner or later, if DB holds off to go next year & dad passes on the trip next year will be far harder. Thank you again for your support NT'rs I'm so grateful to this forum. Oh and I won't be writing the family, best to leave that stone in place!!