This is another method that may, or may not, work for him. I know it works for me.

Step 1. I made a list of people that have been instrumental through my growing days of sobriety. They are the ones that have invested TIME in me to support me on this journey. I keep this list on a table in my bedroom where I walk by it a couple times a day, a place where it catches my eye.

Step 2. On my iPhone I have an app (it's free and super easy to setup) that counts the days since Aug 2, 2011. One click of a button and I know to the day how many days I have beat the urge to drink.

It has a reset button.

I have gotten to the point where the fear of hitting that reset button, the fear of disappointing that "list" is more important to me than taking a swig of alcohol. I would NOT want to face a majority of those people with the news of relapse and I know that my current life would drastically change if I were to hit that reset button.

Yes, an app helps keep my sober....but that also works for me. :)

Pamela, I use Step 1 in what Icehouse has suggested a lot.

For me it is a list, stuck to the noticeboard above this laptop. They are all people who have "invested TIME in me". They include my wife, my extended family, my health care team and my trusted friends.

I really value them all for their non-judgmental care and support. I am not meaning to imply that they would not respectfully call me out if they if they felt that I was not being honest with them - they did and this happened a bit in the early days, which I appreciated.

I think about them every day. It helps that they all enjoy my company way more now that I am sober compared to when I was not.

Maybe something along these lines might help DB?

Just for today
 

To a who understand addiction
My choice of drug is alcohol
It is six years now I take hard core medicines
Having entered the rooms in 1990 and I was bitten
in 1992
It was time in my sobriety I had this very hard time with counting days
For me I don't know if it was my OCD I have a fixation with numbers odd and even numbers
Sick right
But the truth
Today I am certain
The MOST important day is the one one is in
I have seen many with twenty years pick up
And some who have passed as a result of the addiction
It for me became something I did not concentrate on the accumulated was difficult
And then when I became I'll and had to take medicines just broke me
However now when I am at a meeting
I am able to express to all with the stressors and but for the simple fact I felt my sobriety was robbed from me
Only became another TOOL I am able to use and for me
Just for today I am greatful I haven't ever abused my medicines
For the day I ever should want to try something stupid like that will be the day I put the pills aside and pick up
AND I DON'T
I DON'T
every single day I don't pick up is another day of clarity
ABOUT SOBRIETY
It is me who thinks of this day I am in as the most important thing I can do in my day is stay sober
JUST FOR TODAY
and it is this kind of mind I go through in my day
But for the grace of Heavenly Father I get it
I get it
I pray my children who suffer addiction
I have my grandchild because of that very reason
It is a terrible thing to watch you loved ones in my case my children suffer addiction
One day at a time
It can be done only ONE DAY AT A TIME
yesterday has passed without picking up
Today I shall try and do the same
I cannot tell you about tomorrow
I may not be with the living
So just for today
Pam to have someone like yourself having
ones back and are slowly healing yourself as you too
BEGIN TO CHANGE
What I mean by that
Only you let in your life today what is important
A sober life
Is a great life
To remember my drinking days
We still talk about it openly
Especially with my older children
My eldest talks about bringing my vomit bucket on my days off
Oh in hindsight how I put my children in harms way when in that state
How greatful I am not to have the obsession
And that it is lifted for today
NEVER stray from that
Just for today
One day at a time
When our character defects begin to act up
Is usually a sign we are straying from the principles
You are a special individual
A dedicated partner
Who deserves a big hug
And to be recognized in this also
As all around beging to change with you and him for the better
How cool is that
It is so dry true in the beginning
We are so hard on ourselves
This is when the support system takes on a huge role
Yet bottom line it is the addict who makes it happen
No one else
You are on that road to recovery
And with that comes change
With much love
Me

Hi IceHouse, I downloaded an app for counting days. DB has gone 172 days without a lapse. 306 days since his last binge. Birthday in July is approaching. In all his attempts to stop drinking since 2009, he has never managed to not drink on his birthday. This year he hopes will be his first. I've suggested he not put pressure on himself thinking about it in the lead up, just treat it as another day in the future not to be considered until he gets there and to just focus on today and each day as it comes. We will cross that bridge when it arrives.

Pamela, 172 and 306 days are both tremendous achievements :).

If you want to, please pass on my congratulations to DB.

Maybe you could consume his day this year? Plan a day trip, do something out of the ordinary, have a "dry" picnic near a lake, take his mind of this buddies that drink, get him away from the temptation. I dunno, just a thought ;)

I live in the mountains of VA and it's super easy to blow a day just wandering around Gods creation.

Ice

You know as well as I
When one has made up their mind
They will pick up
You have great deterrents
If I may and one more to yours
Find a meeting both you and him can go to
This would be an OPEN MEETING
To get his medicine for the day
That is how I look at my meetings
My dose of medicine
Only wishing a positive wonderful day
We do it one moment at a time
Love
Me

hi pamela. i am so happy that db has been getting help with his addiction. and i am so proud of you for being there for him. he is lucky to have you for support. you are a special person. i grew up with an alcholic father. he tried several times to quit but always went back to drinking because he tried to do it on his own and not go to rehab. he was the best dad ever but was an angry drunk with my mom. no physical abuse just verbal but it wasn't pretty. but he was a good man who just couldn't kick the habit and he ended up passing away at a young age. i don't miss the alcohol but i miss him every day. now i have a half brother who is struggling with a different kind of addiction that seems to be ruining his health and his life too and he won't go to rehab either. i pray that he will someday soon so he doesn't pass away at an early age like my dad did. i hope and pray that db will go into remission and stay in remission for good. it sounds to me like he is doing great and is on the right track. and you are an amazing person for helping him get better. i am sending heartfelt prayers to you both. love and hugs my friend.:hug:

Of all months
 

July being an acknowledged hard month to get through. Now on top of it, his home country has for the first time in more than 50 yrs got through to the semi finals in football. Some of you call it round ball, some of you know it as soccer. 2am mornings up to watch the games has been wonderful. Family and friends of course are up and watching at normal hours so the iPad is pinging all night long with updates even when he isn't up and watching. Thank goodness he isn't up for all games, just those that feature Wales. Luckily he is an early morning riser with his job & usually up at 3.50am, with the games he has been up at 2 and so far, only one has fallen on a rostered day. Alcohol is very much in and on his mind and he is on a very narrow ledge. I'm being as supportive as I can, in an ideal world no one would be sending messages of where they are and who they are with, every photo sent wouldn't feature bars, pubs, drinks and mateship. The real brothers in arms camaraderie, but there you go, we can't live in a bubble and it would be petty to wish it away. This is a one in a lifetime event, I truly believe it. If we win on Weds night and get through to the finals it will be amazing. I've shed tears in awe as I've watched and cheered these men on in the middle of the night. I know how emotionally invested nearly every Welshman or woman is. So I hope and pray, games won or not, sobriety ultimately wins.

They lost
 

Another 2am start, I'm sad they lost of course, but a little relieved it's over. We can get on with keeping on. I hope sobriety continues to win.

Sorry for the loss;
Hopefully db will get thru the rest of this month continuing counting days of sobriety. (My hubby and I both celebrate our b'days this month as well.)

Keep hanging/holding on to one another.


Gerry

If I'm going to drink I'm going to drink
 

Not much I can say really. I've told his psych and he has had extra appointments in the lead up, two this week and has one on Tuesday the day after his birthday. DB was a very prem baby and spent 8 or 9 weeks in a humidicrib and initially wasn't expected to survive. He did survive but as far as I'm aware his family have never made a big deal about his birthday and they never talk of his birth or the circumstances surrounding why he was born so early. I had a migraine and wasn't up to cooking at all, he said he'd go get fish n chips, I asked if he will be ok and he just said if I'm going to drink I'm going to drink. Fair call, nothing like stating the obvious. I'm so over this month.

Pam,
You've been under a lot of stress yourself. Not surprised a migraine was waiting to happen. I have suffered from them since my teens. Luckily, Imtrex came on the market and it has been a godsend for me.

Do you feel there is a good chance he will begin the counting of alcohol free days again? He really went quite some time.

Still praying.

Gerry

Dang, I missed this post. one thing though: it is 0% your "fault". You probably already knew this, but it doesn't hurt to repeat it. The decision to drink again is always down to the addict. You have been an incredible support, but ultimately it's out of your hands.

Try to take care of you for a while, and do not be hard on yourself.

I hope DB finds his way back, but as long as he feels like he "misses out" while sober it will be a problem to stay that way. You can not just white knuckle it.

Truly hope he turns it around.

Raw anxious
 

Got through the birthday, sobriety to best of my knowledge maintained. His stomach is playing him up terribly, his psych says he drank in the past because of his anxiety and believes once his root of anxiety is uncovered he won't feel the urge to drink. He says he gets cravings now and then but nothing like he used to. Is having to face many emotions and memories he has long long buried. Has previously had no memories of his childhood but it seems in these last days, weeks much is coming up. I think white knuckling still plays a feature so it's best he avoids triggers. I can't help him anymore than I do, I've told him it is his journey, not mine, I'm here, but I can't make his choices for him, only he can do what is best for him. Once we get this month over I hope things will calm down.

Pamela, I just want to say that I really admire you.

You can not save DB (I am not implying that you are trying to). All that you can do is offer him love and support, which you are doing, but ultimately it is his choice.

Please remember to look after yourself first - that is not a selfish thing to do.

:hug:

Having blocked them
 

No more will I put up with what I already know
Cannot do a darn thing about it
And will not be pushed around either
Not anything I am comfortable with
They are my babies
In trouble
And have to figure it out themselves
When the mind is made up to pick up
You will never know it
You think things are getting easier
And
Bam
All over again
One has to be selfish
For when they understand I will be here when they get there priorities in check
I have to take care of me as I am caring for my grandchild since birth
Ready she is to start school September
All over again I go
Sending my grandchild off to school
Just raising my family until they can do it
Nobody to take care of me
But
Me

215 days
 

We got through the month, now the next challenge has arrived. He has a large tear to his calf muscle (off the bone) while playing football. It is quite bad, they believe he may have developed a clot as well. The last week of the month he reported as being particularly hard. But hey, he did it, recovery rocks!

In my last post here
 

How could I so easily I misspoke
I got here with the love and desire to
know Heavenly Father
There were times I had my children in the car
And had a few and thought I was just fine
Amazingly
Not ever to blame
Not to ever pick up again when that would enter my sick mind
How HEAVENLY FATHER
spared my children from me putting them Kim harms way
Did I know any better when alcohol took over
And for me it only took three stiff shots
I was off
Thinking I was this now calm mother
trying to give her children fun
Going down the shore amusement parks
Never was there a time going out to enjoy myself with my babies
did I not have at least three drinks
It is a sad and in your face reality how
I Was Watched Over
Big Time

To say ones mind is made up
It is made up
How many times after a meeting
My child would call and share with me
And the next thing you know she's went out pickup
Mind made up before going to her meeting
Thinking about it while at the meeting
Not using her tools
Resources
She knows them
She needs to make it happen
And we will be right where we always have been
And it be a new way of life
I understand
And powerless to shove it down her throat
All I can do is keep communication going
I have lifted the block on the phone it's almost been a month
We shall see
Powerless
But have Hope
Love
Me

Hey Pam;

"One Day at a Time". DB seems to be putting this phrase to practice.
215 and counting.....

Thanks for the update.


Gerry

White knuckling it - nothing fits better to describe his state of mind. The cats out of the bag, a few weeks ago I realised he's been sneaking my painkillers, probably at least 1 a day. Because I don't take the amount I'm supposed to take I hadn't really kept track of what I've got and how much I have left, until a few months ago I started thinking "I'm running out of these quicker than what I would expect" thought my mind was playing tricks for a while, but began to pay closer attention, closer, closer, and I've run out! only this time I know why, not an easy discussion and I tried hard to keep my calm

That was 10 days ago. He had been taking one every now and then over the years, the many rounds of dental horror earlier in the year saw it increase to well it's needed and then we hit July and it became a daily thing. So withdrawal from opiates it seems is quite different to alcohol. Not going to be an easy August with all the self motivating negative talk. It's hard to listen to so I can't begin to imagine how it makes him feel. I'm sure you all know the language and what I mean. eg I'm a fat lazy #### I'm a weak ######, cmon you lazy welsh ####### he is none of those things and it makes me sad.

Pamela, that sounds hard.

I have no experience of opiate use so have nothing to offer I am afraid.

However, I want you to know that I am thinking and caring about you and DB.

:hug:

Oh Pam,
What a "bummer". I hope you can at least convince him to take one every other day so he does not have much of withdrawal symptoms. Hopefully, he can then get to one every couple of days and then every few; then stop. If he comes up with the language ######, you can tell him how wonderful you think he is trying to cut back this way. You know it's not easy; but are very proud of him. (Do you think that might work??)


Gerry

Pam.....
 

No chance, he is very angry with himself, I offered to help him taper off, I've had loads of exp as you know... Not interested only wants to do it his own way so all my unused medication is now securely out of sight. I'm hoping he should be ok, I don't think he had used them as a crutch for long.

Saw his psych yesterday, he says she has said they are on the brink of a breakthrough. While it scares him, I think it also offers hope. Meanwhile I'm getting fat again with all the sweets, chocolate etc he is buying to assuage his cravings.

Pam,
Good news about the psych. I can imagine his being scared; but offering hope may help him get thru this period.

I can't blame my husband about all the sweets I have been eating. Not sure it is all these meds. (excuse??) I do eat not eat a lot of food; but sweets; wayyyyyyy too much.

At lunch, I'll have the minimum looking forward to the coffee; cinnamon bread/cake. Not bad enough I have been buying the Land O Lakes Cinnamon Sugar Spread to spread all over the top of the slice of cake. This is daily.

Then I have been baking the Betty Crocker Cookies mixes. Hubby does like those so he has one or two cookies with coffee after lunch; but of course, after my Cinnamon cake; I must at least try a cookie. No self control. The scale is really getting me concerned; but that does not seem to stop me. Also, along with the Schwan's food service, I have been ordering an assortment of their deeelicious ice cream. We have that after dinner.

Some years ago, I saw a doctor regarding my migraines; he said I had the personality of an alcoholic. That thought has stayed with me through the years. It has helped me limit in this area. I heeded the doctor's warning; I was afraid he might be right. I can understand your husband cravings.



Gerry

222 days
 

222 days since he had a drink. And, on August 14 it will be 1 year since a bender.

Pamela, that is excellent news - I reckon that DB is doing really well :).

WOOHOO!!!

<inserting more text 'cause the software is making me, but that is all I really wanted to say>

Pam,
Like seeing all those 222's in a row looks good. Now we have to aim for the 3's; like..... 333's and counting......

Thanks for the update.


Gerry

367 since a bender
 

229 since a drink. Woo hoo, good days and not so good, but overall, he is getting stronger. His psych said not to worry about the tablets, not enough taken to form a habit but enough to raise a flag and good we onto it. Very tough visit with my surgeon this morning, very aggressive, the usual bluster when things beyond his control. Much better since we got positive news re me. So all is good :hug:

Pamela, that is awesome :)!

DB has applied for leave over Xmas / NY, hopes to go home n see his Da who has Parkinson's disease and is deteriorating, he turned 75 on the 15th. I won't be able to go, too far to fly, I'll stay home & mind the pets. DB is concerned re sobriety, I suggested talk to his psych but isn't it better to see your da now & hopefully maintain sobriety rather than go after he's passed and probably not. Maybe going now will give him the strength to deal with what's inevitable. He can't live his life on hold forever. Time will tell, another day under his belt, 372 since a bender 234 since a drink ( I think) but he will never tell me for sure. So 372 since a bender gives me hope. Tough days in the house right now, I've annoyed him to high heaven not intentionally. Oh well today my thought is "so what" maybe I'm growing too. :hug:

Pam,
As you write; DB can't put his life on hold indefinitely. It would be good for him to visit with his father while he is still able; that won't stay "on hold" either. I can understand DB not telling whether or not he has had a drink. Very personal to him. It's probably his way of not risking disappointing you if you don't know for sure.

I know what you mean having annoyed DB; unintentionally. Not sure you have the same disease I have ...it's called "foot in mouth". I am too often saying or doing something that has upset my husband; I get the quite/silent treatment. I try to guess what it is that I did or said......

And "yes"; we are all still growing; for sure....


Gerry

It's been a horrid weekend, particularly today. 5th anniversary of my beloved father passing, I wanted to go to the graveyard yesterday but DB was unapproachable. We went this morning after he worked hard on causing an argument, I refused to engage in it. On the way back he told me I'm irresponsible, if I'm injured he has to do everything. Hahaha no chance; nothing would get done, I'm injured already and he doesn't do anything! He is just being a mean and cranky plonker.

I wonder how he would react if I said his his playing soccer is irresponsible, he keeps injuring his legs & has on 3 occasions been unable to attend work due to it; while I can carry on working without leg use, he cannot. Or I could remind him I'm not supposed to be working at all, even though part time it is still against my PM recommendation.

All is not well in the house, I feel like he is working hard on an angle to justify why he needs to break sobriety so just now I've removed myself, shut the door and taken pain relief. Tomorrow will be another day. Why is it in a drunken stupor they are mean and in sobriety meaner still. Today according to him I'm a narcissist. I love you to darling I thought!

For the 1st time, on the way back from the cemetery I seriously contemplated the thought of leaving. I'm not going to live like this forever, I'm not a doormat, never have been, never will be. DB has forgotten just how strong I can be. Best he not awaken the me who has taken recovery resentment, accepted it and swallowed it whole, it causes nothing but pain and unhappiness, but if he continues in this vein it will come out.

DB sister lasted less than 6 months sober, she told me her reason for taking it up again was the ex son in law failed to provide a photo of the granddaughter at her Deb ball. I guess any reason can be justified, if you want it, accept you want it but please don't try and delude me with some bullcrap explanation. I'd far rather the truth, you were overwhelmed, it happens, it's a lapse, you can regain the ground you lost if you want. She's not regained, is back on it just as bad if not worse. Sad, very sad. Think DB wishes it was him. Has spoken non stop about alcohol, parties, out with the boys and how lazy & selfish I am.

I'm struggling hard this week, not sure when things will improve, say a prayer for us both please xx

Pam,
Obviously he needs to get the knawing feelings of depriving himself of his one thing he knows will comfort this craziness going on inside. Unfortunately you are right there and he is taking out his fears through you.

While not the quite the same; I felt I lost my "buddy" when I would try to give up my 2 1/2 pk. a day nicotine habit. I had tried several times; my longest for some reason would always be 17 days. One time when i was in my trying to quit 17 day routine; my three children (the oldest at the time probably 12) I overheard them crying to their father that" no matter what they did I was always picking at everything, etc., etc..." .Well to me; I was justified in my finding fault; they were true; weren't they??? Except many of these things, I would normally have just overlook because they really weren't doing any really that wrong. So believe me; I know the feeling. I had smoked a total of at least 25 years.

But thru the grace of God and lotsa prayer; several years ago, I finally quit. I used the patch as long as needed; carried it with me for a few years., etc. I use to kid myself I could take one or two a day; but had always gone back and smoked even more so I knew I could not even have a single cigarette. It's been several years since I had my last cigarette. I know if I take one; it will be all over.

Pam; you are a very strong person; I hope you can hold out thru this muddle DB is going through. You are going thru a rough patch with your chronic illness'/pain so it's really got to be difficult for you too.

My prayers are with both of you.


Gerry

Apologies
 

Excuse my rant, I regret my words. Of course he is still vulnerable and I'm not going to say or do anything to hurt either of us. He remains the love of my heart. Yesterday he said he felt like checking himself back in. I hate that he hurts so much. Seeing his psych this Friday night, cutting back on his Anti depressants not the best of his ideas but he won't be told. He looks exhausted but is sleeping for hours on end when not working. Depression at an all time high.

Pam,
Please no regrets. You are human; thank God for that. I think this was the right place for you to get some things out of your system. Of course you love him. You are the reason he is trying so hard. Also, part of the reason he is so angry. He does not want to disappoint you or himself.

No matter how this turns out, he has come further than he ever dreamed. If needed; he will in the future have to go thru another recovery. Hoping it will be the one that will last.

My daughter went thru rehab for cocaine addiction. The first incidence of learning all the steps and, as she put it; the tools needed recovery was staying at a 30 day/night facility.
She was clean for about a year; then relapsed. She had a few short attempts. Eventually enrolled in another rehab program.
Sherry did go thru rehab again at another 30 day program daily; but now they no longer had patients stay overnight. She was frightened to leave the facility at night being afraid she might relapse. There were times during some of the evening sessions where parents, significant others, etc. would be allowed to sit in with the counselors and the doctor in charged.

Thru my attending many of the group sessions ; especially the night when the counselor mentioned that nicotine was as addictive as cocaine; I was somewhat surprised.(I had previously mentioned having my last cigarette several year ago; this is how that came about.) As the rehab program continued, with my attending when invited; at times by her side; both of have been "cleaned for several years. Me;the nicotine addiction; her the cocaine addiction.

A few months ago she received her certification as a drug/alcohol counselor. I can't remember, at the moment, the complete title of the certification. She also works with the families of those addicted since they play such an important part in recovery. She is well aware often there is more than one recovery needed.

Good DB will be seeing his psych Friday. Are you ever invited to go with him?


Gerry

Pamela, I want to echo all that Gerry wrote.

I hope that DB's session with his psych goes well.

:hug:

Hi Gerry, you and your daughter came out the other side and gained each a grounding perspective. Well done to your daughter & thank you for sharing.

They don't encourage partner / family attendance here in Aus like they do in the US. Not sure why, I think it would help, they tried it a few times in the group DB is associated with in its early days of inception, back in 2011. It ironically was the 1st time DB went to rehab and due to me being rushed to emergency NYE he discharged himself only 4 weeks into treatment, he never went back until 2015, 4 yrs later. I wish they did. I have asked if I can see him with his psych even just once, but she refuses, says will not see us both, have to find a different therapist for couples....

Anyway, he had a crapola day today, came home, had to go back out after an hour to buy some stuff for work, came back 30 min later and says to me " wow I have grown stronger, I didn't even think of booze until just then". In the past he wouldn't have even made it home. Sobriety still hanging in. Lapse diverted, again! I'm so proud of him.