Pamela, it is great that you and DB had such a good talk.

This is not about me but a while ago I had to do the same thing as he has decided to do (a much-loved uncle of mine in NZ was in the final stages of Parkinson's and he wanted to see me).

It was hard for me and it may be for DB as well but he has good supports (you, of course! and his pysch) ready to help. If you want to, please pass on my thoughts of support and care to DB.

:hug:

Pam,

Thoughts and prayers are with DB for a successful sober Christmas family reunion.

I think your support, and the fact that the psych has given him her mobile to call if he is at risk, will help DB feel he is not alone in his struggle to remain sober.


Gerry

After 2 plane rides, 2 train rides & 2 brief car journeys DB 24 hours later arrived home in Wales 3S, safe, sound & sober. Tired & weary, emotionally wrought but well chuffed he got through the plane trip. Says he was mightily tempted but put all that he has learned in the last 12 months from his psych & MKP to practice. He says the money he spent this past year on them was worth every penny. Bracing for seeing dad, who is quite poorly but we are hoping 3 weeks with his eldest son will help perk him up.

Pamela, it is great that DB arrived safe and sound.

I hope that he and his Dad can talk together.

:hug:

Pam,

How are things working out with DB's family visit ???

Pray all is going well.


Gerry

Tough
 

DB has logged his 1st sober Christmas dinner spent at his sisters despite the many challenges. He was relieved to have Christmas tea at his brothers. He is drawing strength from his learnings and resorted to Valium while his sister & niece went to war (alcohol fuelled) & drove the niece home after her father banished her from the house. In all, the time home has been an eye opener with witnessing first hand what drama alcohol is causing his family. Dad is as good as he can be, fortunately he has a wonderful lady friend who looks after him as much as he will allow. The medication is playing havoc with his digestive system and his mind, but he is definitely loving having his son home. The next challenge is NYE. DB brother & sister in law been very supportive, SIL making cups of tea & or coffee for the first time ever. SIL went out & bought a coffee machine especially for him <3.

Pamela, that is great to read :).

Thanks for the update.

How are you doing???:hug:


Gerry

Thank you for asking Gerry, all is good I'm keeping busy with various things. Had a lovely Christmas with my family, played jenga in the afternoon and in general a good time was had by all. Hoping everyone on NT had as good a Christmas as their health allows.

It's tough going but support has come from an unexpected quarter. DB brother googled his campral medication and last night when DB wondered aloud if he should try a shandy (beer n lemonade) brother said, nah I don't think so bro, I've been waiting for you to tell me in your own time but seeing as we are here now, I'm not stupid, I googled campral n know you have problems like our sister. You've come this far and your not falling on my watch. One family member on her way out is enough.
So there you go, the cats out of the bag over there, they all know now and it must be a relief for him. We Skype every few days and message back n forth throughout the days. NYE I think he will stay in or at his brothers so I feel a little better about him.
He is explaining how hard it is for him to the sister this morning as she is complaining he not up there much since Xmas day. I think she has forgotten DB told her last year he is an alcoholic. She starts the day off with a can of lager for breakfast ... she had another seizure recently & since been told not to stop completely until she goes into rehab and they will manage her withdrawals there. Rehab is in 2 weeks so she is doing the drink all I can while I can.

awesome stuff
calling him on his try
AWESOME!
all of it
one day at a time
love
me

Pam, I'm sure it helps to know DB's brother is looking out for him. I like his attitude.... "not falling on my watch"...

When is DB due to come home?
I would imagine you are counting the days praying he will get thru without even one drop of alcohol. He will be so proud of himself. Of course, he still has to deal with...."one day at a time"......that's a lifetime commitment.

I'm glad you are doing well. I know you have so many physical issues to contend with. Those obstructions are horrendous.

I pray your faith will give you the coping skills needed.


Gerry

A big hurray for DB's brother. He gets it.

Pamela, I reckon that DB and his brother have a lot to feel proud of themselves about.

And, of course, you do as well :).

367 days ticked over. DB went home for sleep early last night from his brothers after a long walk up & back down the Mountain Pen y Van in foggy conditions. He had just taken a cuppa & Valium and the phone rang at 10.15. The brother in law at the pub ringing to ask could DB please come to the pub say hi to a few of his old friends and pick up his sister as she paralytic drunk. DB said no, BIL can take his wife home himself, very thoughtless of BIL given DB only spent the morning explaining how hard it is for him to be around pubs & people drinking. DB then spent the next 2 hours agonising over his saying no. It's a first for him back home, while well versed in saying no to me, it's playing havoc on him to have said no to his family.

I've tried to calm him and he's taken another Valium and gone to bed. These are the family members I mentioned I was concerned over. Had he gone, he will have found it hard not to drink, all his old childhood friends there and only the night before contemplating a shandy.

I'm very proud of him to have said no, had I been there I would have got her. It seems the rumours we heard last year of BIL ring dad every weekend to go pick his daughter because she sozzled up were true. Dad stopped driving in March after he ran over the rubbish bins (Parkinson's 1st win for dad) in the side yard. Even though no damage done he took that as the sign it's time for me to be off the road.

As a partner to an alcoholic I'm shocked over BIL choices and actions:(

Pam,
Hopefully you were able to convince DB he did the right thing saying "no". He's not had to do that to his family. Hate to think of him dealing with the guilt.

Will DB be coming home soon?

Gerry

He leaves on the 7th & gets home on the 9th. By next Saturday when it's time to leave the valleys he will be well & truly ready for home. Guilt will cripple him for the next few days but as hard as it is, it's an eye opener for him, the grass is not greener on the other side & home here is a safer environment. These are his words to me;

1015 just got a call from T asking if I can go to the B to pick G up she is ****** out of her head. I said no I just took a valium (which is true). I was going to stay up M's but I was falling asleep so I came home to have an early night and a lay in. The last thing I want is to be going to pubs and picking up a drunk even if she is my sister. I am a bit annoyed with T, he is like everyone else just thinks of himself, he could of taken her home. Do they not realise I came home to stay away from the drink. I am not strong enough to help others. Love you

Thanks for the update Pam.

My daughter is a substance abuse counselor as well as a mental and substance recovery coach. (She, herself, dealt with addiction.) Your sharing about DB gives me a strong sense and awareness of the difficulty he and so many go through.

You were so right to encourage DB to visit with his Dad and family. He would probably have felt even more guilt had he not taken the trip.


Gerry

DB went up to sisters with dad 1st thing in the morning to see if all ok. No :(
BIL opted to walk G home, ended up carrying her, got 1/2 way n couldn't any further so left her propped up in the hedge and went on home to get the car, returned to pick said wife up out of the hedge. While trying to put her in the car a passer by thinks hang on this isn't right and calls the police. BIL gets G in car & gets her home, is in process of trying to get her out of car and police arrive. G passed out compeletely now, BIL explains & enlists police help to get said wife into house. Police caution BIL they understand the circumstances and he only drove 200 yards but he has been drinking. BIL will get a fine.
Somehow I think that will be the last time he takes her out. She has a massive cut/bruise down the side of her neck & face no idea how it occurred. BIL no idea either. BIL admitted if DB had of turned up he would have stayed at the pub. Dad said to her do you want to give up the drink, asked her twice, DB asked the same twice. She declined to answer, said she wants to get better so she can go out and drink like normal people. Thinks rehab will allow her to do that. Is in complete denial. BIL started to cry, BIL has been offered counselling but said he doesn't want or need any help. Dad told him do what you've got to do, if you need to leave her then leave her. Dad so upset asked DB to take him home.
DB spent rest of day at brothers, took dad to his lady friend. Both very upset, DB annoyed he allowed dad to talk him into taking him up there, brother told DB & dad it's been like this for years, nothing new, it's why he and his wife no longer have anything to do with them, sad horrible drama every single weekend.
DB more than ready to come home :(

may this be it
the obsession
slowly being lifted
Heavenly Father
only You know what is in our heart
having to live life
having to feel when one really doesn't want to feel
the obsession slowly being lifted
knowing one cannot go back to what we know will take it all away
when in actuality the hardest stuff like what you just wrote of
having to make the decision not to drink and deal with whatever is coming down the road
he will be coming home to a safe supportive surroundings all a good thing
only he is in his own head
and has to be brutally honest at the situation at hand
one moment at a time
one situation at a time
may he continue his road to recovery
and that means dealing with the hard facts
i started so long ago
we lost our privileges to drinking
and with that comes the real work
and he is walking the walk
one moment at a time
may he remember his tools that are ready for him to exercise
in his daily life on his road to sobriety
you have been his cheerleader this entire
never b******g how hard it is for you
you are stellar in every way
this has been a telling adventure
and he did not pick up
im cheering with you
he will be in your arms soon
take care of you
love
me

Pam,
Maybe it was for the better that he did allow himself to take his Dad up there. Probably was good for both of them to see this together. I think his Dad and brother realize they are quite proud of DB.

You are correct; your DIL is in complete denial. No person that drinks and as addicted as she is will ever be able to drink like "normal" people do.

I'm sure DB is looking forward to coming home. The lifelong commitment is and will always be a part of DB's recovery.


Gerry

I know Gerry, I am so looking forward to having him home in a safe environment, and not only because it's safe. I miss him, even though we talk each day by messenger or Skype it's just the knowing he is here in the house where I can reach out and hug him.

I can't help but feel for BIL.

Darn right DB should be proud of himself. He's got enough Valium to get him home on the flight and has a psych appointment the following day.

I have been using Valium for quite some time. They are for muscle spasms, as well as anxiety. They have really helped the spasms on the left side of neck and shoulder. I take two 5mg's a day (sometimes cut in half). At times, they do tend to cause some tiredness, as well as sleepiness.

I believe you have mentioned in the past about DB being tired/sleepy. How many/mg's does he take a day? I assume the Valiums are also helpful with alcohol recovery as well. If he is running low, occasionally, he may want to break in half. There is a line to help break in half evenly.

This has been a long and somewhat stressful trip. Both of you are ready for a great "big hug" with one another.

Gerry

Hi Gerry, he doesn't take the Valium on a regular basis. 5mg is used for high stressor trigger situations. He took it every day for the first month he gave up and in the last 12 months maybe needed it on 4 occasions. It is a good idea and I wish it was the Valium causing his tiredness. The psych says it's caused by memories still coming up, things he has pushed down and buried for decades.

Has begun the long journey home, leaving with a heavy heart. The hardest part will be the 7 hr wait at Heathrow. I've told him to buy some adult colouring books and puzzles. Bringing home a beautiful red glass Welsh dragon. It will take pride of place on the piano.
Edit note
His Brother & wife took him to train in Cardiff so he didn't have to catch the valleys train first, very emotional goodbye according to my SIL. She tells me the boys went to see their sister last night but she was out of it so they only stayed 30minutes and then 2 hours later she rang dad wanting to know when DB was going up there. Dad said he's been & gone - you were too drunk to realise & put the phone down on her.

Pam,
Pray he will get thru the long journey home. Thankfully, he knows you are waiting for him. I'll bet he is looking forward for you to see the Welsh dragon and its having a "special" place on the piano. This will be quite meaningful.

Really good to know how well he and his brother got along. So sad about his sister. His Dad and he appeared to get along very well. Hopefully the heavy heart will soon be replaced with thoughts of many good memories.

Thanks again for sharing.


Gerry

Pamela, I don't have much to add to what Gerry wrote, all which I agree with.

I hope that the flight isn't too tedious (they are never fun).

It is great that you and DB will be back together again soon :hug:.

I'm at the airport feeling like a young child at the Showgrounds. So looking forward to seeing him :)

Pam,

How exciting;..... "absence makes the heart grow fonder".....and "my hero".....

Gerry

375 Days
 

How good is that number. DB says he has been in the lions den and come through unscathed. Of course there are many sad things gleaned from this trip home but for now it's important we celebrate his achievement and acknowledge the effort & willpower. I've paid for a head, neck & shoulder massage & a full body massage to have which ever one he wants to when he is a bit more with it this week before he goes back to work, which ever one he doesn't have it's valid for 12 months.

Update.....
 

Hi Pam,

Looking forward to an update on how you and DB are doing since his return from his family visit.

Also; the Red Dragon....Hope you are enjoying it on the piano.


Gerry

DB still very jet lagged & being stuck on an aircraft breathing filtered air has once again got a heavy cold (flu). Still can't face talking about what he witnessed back home. DB thinking to go back in 6 months (with me). Very upset he couldn't "connect" with his sister & even more worried about dad. Has raised the idea of us moving back there.
First day back to work today, there is new dog in the kennels who will come home Sunday or Monday. German Shepherd this time, 13 months old. The first DDdog (Lab 11 yrs) Alpha male will not be pleased. Fun times ahead trying to keep him safe!!

DB evidentially connected with brother/SIL and Dad very well. His departure seemed very emotional. Unfortunately it appears there was/is nothing he can do to help his sister and could be worrisome to his own recovery.

I think you might be quite right about "fun times ahead" taking on a young German Shepard with an 11 yr. old Lab. Good Luck. This might help take DB's mind in a different direction, at least for a while.


Gerry

New DDDog arriving tonight. A white German Shepherd & apparently much bigger than Lab DD no.3 who ironically towers over DD Labs no.1 & 2. DD no.2 is the smallest of them all.

Alpha DD no.1 rules the yard with an ice look & bark, his punishment is meted out swiftly if the others don't fall in line. Over the years we have had a number of other dogs who have been trialled and unfortunately not made the grade No.1 has always been one to watch, he looks so sweet & innocent but can turn in the blink of an eye. Not with people - never, but with dogs we've always got to be switched on and alert.

So today I'm readying the back & side yards so the animals can be segregated. DB tells me potential DD no.4 has had NO training at all & no clue over toiletting. Sad that people can get animals and just leave them, this poor animal has had only the 1 owner but been left to his own devices in a backyard & neglected so I'm hopeful for his sake he makes the grade. Often for these DDDogs this is their last chance. DDDog no.3 had 6 owners before us & we got him at only 8 months old. DD no.1 was 11 months old, he had been starved & badly beaten & DD no.2 was 14 months old, he had been hobbled, starved & beaten. I hate people sometimes ...
PS 381 days :)

Heheh. We have two labs, and the older female (see picture <--) is the alpha over the 2 year younger much larger male. She is the sweetest dog to us, but rules undisputed, and unchallenged. Even the cats respect and love her. She used to break up their fights with a single "woof".

Only the parrot refuses to see things her way, even though he weighs about 1/200th. In return, she ignores his existence, but loves hanging around the cage. Parrots are messy eaters, but clever as well. He actually throws food on the floor for her to chase. :D He even calls her by name, and tries to order her around ("sit!" "move over!" "basket!"), but luckily she is deaf now at 13 years old.

The interactions are a constant source of amusement.

Pamela, 381 days is a great achievement!

Your dogs sound interesting (can't say much more because I am a cat person ;)).

However it is good that they have people like you and DB to care for them :).

Haha - we gave 4 cats; Abyssinian, Manx, Russian Blue & a Black Russian. The Abyssinian, she is the house ruler including over the alpha male dog. All the dogs avoid her & she keeps the other cats in line. Fascinating to watch power plays, cracks me up sometimes. She loves to chat :) so as of tonight we now have 4 dogs & 4 cats.

The dogs are all working dogs, (2 retired now) my old girl (black lab) passed away in 2009 at 13. DB had already started working by then as a DDO so we knew we couldn't get another as a pet given we would keep the dogs after they retire - usually at about 8 yrs of age. DD no.3 got his defence medal in November & has about 2&1/2 yrs work left in him.

Watching Labs is better than people watching sometimes. They go from active n energetic to "feed me feed me" & then to sleep!! Love how the parrot feeds her & tries to boss her around. :)

The black dog has paid another visit accompanied by (at times) an overwhelming urge to drink. DB looking for "I" groups yesterday but unable to garner the energy to get off the bed or couch. His 2 days off spent horizontal. I'm hoping a combination of jet lag, flu & frustration with his sister is the trigger & it will soon pass. DB says he is not going to phone G anymore, her "poor poor me" attitude is depressing. He has an appointment with his psych on the 31st, it can't come soon enough. Strangely, even though he says he has an overwhelming urge to drink, I don't feel anxious over the statement. I hope I'm right to be so optimistic but for now, I think he has got this.
I looked at apps on iPads yesterday, I see there is a mood diary/ tracker for free (open to public) or $1.49 for private. Anyone think it's worthwhile me suggesting to DB he download it as a tool to help identify / manage depression triggers/ patterns? I don't want to wave a red flag at the raging bull.

Pamela, I keep a daily mood diary. In my case it is a highly-secure Word file on this laptop. Living with clinical depression, it helps me to keep an objective record of my thoughts and feelings.

That could also help DB as well - an iPad app might work for him. It is certainly worth suggesting.