The only silver lining I can see there is that he most probably knows his resentment is totally unjustified and unfair. That won't make him feel better of course, but he'll know.

Doing some physical work in the house is a good way to work through a depression (for him, I mean). It doesn't cure it, but it does give you something to at least feel a bit good about later on. "At least I did XYZ.". He would also feel less guilty. It would ease tensions. He should try it. Not just me saying that, it's a part of CBT - not a miracle cure, but I found it to be helpful, both when I'm down, or when I'm in pain.

Pamela, I think that you have heaps on your plate right now with the house stuff.

I think that what Wide-O has suggested, encouraging DB to do a bit around the house, is a good plan.

It need not be much - baby steps are fine. That certainly helped me a lot when my depression was bad.

Pam,
I looked back and found my April 21st post saying something about the two of you working on this project together (updating, carpeting, painting, etc.) would be a good thing and help DB. Both of you seemed so excited, I really had hoped, as I am sure you did too, this would bring something positive to the relationship.

I understand the change in a relationship personally when I was originally healthy and now no longer am able to be the person I once was before pain, surgeries, etc., became a part of my life. Lack of compassion is difficult to endure on top of dealing with all of this.

It's like a surprise when mentioning even needing extra help (hold hand/arm or stay close or even look back to see if I'm still behind you when in a crowd (Church). Hubby has to know from experience; if I fall; I can't get up on my own. People can accidentally bump into you; they don't see the cane in a crowed area. I have fear of going down (I did in a restaurant a few years back; needing two people (he one of them) to lift me under each arm to get back on my feet).Manager (before I could stop him) called 911; ambulance, fire dept. showed up; I was so embarrassed.

Sorry to digress. The remark you made about not being who you once were and the difference unwell causes in a relationship kinda "hit home". (Both of us were widowed when married 17 years ago.

I feel badly with all you are going thru yourself and then doing all this extra work with little, if any, help.


Gerry

My dear sister
Resentments as they resurface in different forms
Thinking they have been worked through is frustrating
You my dear dear empowered loving human being are on your own road to recovery
Do you get me
We all have our pains growing up
But as you said
It was all out on the table
And I applaud you for the strength of having to deal with a difficult matter that does affect another
However
You are not alone
You have a community
A fellowship if you will
Who are here to help you through this very very frustrating difficult time that affects you too
And you made the decision to go through it with him
Again I applaud you in everyway
And you will get things done with or without his help
And one day
Maybe
One day he will feel ashamed of the struggles you are suffering in everyway
You are still "Wonder Woman" add to that "bionic woman" who makes things happen if must
Make NO mistake
I so understand
As everyday things that happen to go through another day
What do I mean by that
Like making the bed when one gets up
You know the everyday routine that makes both your world go round
Things that must be tended to
Feeding the dogs
Here goes the water works
I miss my baby boy
And sure things can be done half butt
And that's not who you are
Because you love
And you are a smart awesome wife having to go through your own crap
You still "DO"

How about we all celebrate you
How about we all hug you and remind you the added sacrifices that you have given up for your love for your love
How about I remind you that you are loved and we will continue to love you through everything we know you are going through as I and sure others feel and understand your "resentments"
But most importantly you matter as God is in your entire being
You could have walked away
But did not
And are to be reminded
You must take care of you while you get done what needs to be done and in the moment hug yourself for the jobs he should have done to help "YOU"
Maybe
Just maybe
After all that is said and done
He will feel your empowerment and be shameful of his selfish behavior of someone who isn't the same person not by your choice with the added stress that KILLS
There is a reason for everything we are going through
As hard as it is understand
Remember who you have in your life that is constant
And that be Heavenly Father
You matter
You are stronger in other ways as physically you have been altered and still push through your day
I am holding you
And am sure you can do it for you
As resentments are going to happen
Hold on and don't let go
God is good
And you are a wonderful wife and love the dogs
May their unconditional blessings give you what I know they have to offer
Let's celebrate PamelaJune and all you have been through
I love you
We love you
God love you
The dogs loves
And the list goes on
So so much for resentments
Not today
Me

resentments: dear PamelaJune here is just a little example how I have to deal with early morning rise
I don't look back at time accumulated
But instead to keep that time going on
I stay in the day
Some may not agree
That's okay
As my two younger girls have made meetings everyday for the last five days one day made two
My son also attending the rooms
And this morning i found myself in a hard to explain place
Both my girls sleeping while I get up to get Eva ready for school and the next thing I hear
"We're making a meeting tonight"
"It's my home group"
I just broke down

Why

Resentments surfaced
I had to remind both my girls why

Why

Since my physical state has deteriorated to the point I am only comfortable driving (and this is only in my town)
Fused I need to be very careful
And my homegroup meeting is Sunday morning 9:00 AM
NOBODY to offer to watch Eva so I can slowly get myself down there
The utter insensitive behavior is not fair
And I still have to do
What drives me nuts is the idea that my belongings are taken without asking me is a big NO NO and that's not okay

Over and over again I ask my daughter not to touch my belongings without my permission
I don't even think it registrars
That's how out of control it has become
She can ask her dad for money to get her nose pierced a second time
cuz that trumpet what was priority not shopping
And do I have to swallow this
Resentments have begun to happen when I still have to do the laundry dishes vacuuming wiping the floor get the laundry done and make sure we have detergent to do it
And what do you think I hear from my granddaughters mother this morning
I was getting upset and began to cry on my way to the meeting
As both my youngest made a meeting
Frazzled because she cannot do the same
Well someone has to do it
Right
Or I then live like a sloppy person
That's not who I am
Even as sick as I am
Really
Really
Frazzled with the few things that I needed her to do
And the other one was all about her new piercing
And I'm like take a deep breath
This too shall pass
And I won't let them pick a fight with me
Oh heck yes my resentment surfaced by the utter self absorbed attitude today
So I will just do
And pray
Me

DDdog#4 is going well in training, indicating and learning the complexities. Still to early to tell & the other dog in training got the sack on Wednesday, she nipped someone. So it's high stress for both the boys with now needing to source another dog, deal with the upset of Dixie not working out & the possibility of DD#4 not being successful as he barked aggressively at a stranger. It needs to be trained out but apparently is one of the reasons Labs are usually more successful. DD#4 is a white shepherd. Hi ho the life of a DDO... anyway, good news given the stress he's under & is currently working 6 day weeks, he's going to the gym every day after work and I've not smelled anything since. Whether he lapsed I'll never know, he asked me this week how many days it was, I said 665 days since he was drunk (didn't say the sober count 527). He seemed happy with that and I guess that's all that really counts. The new carpet is in, the painting is still happening and all the curtains, drapes and blinds taken yesterday for cleaning and where necessary small repair (kitten claw marks to curtains & drapes). So we're still sleeping in the garage with his car alongside us. I find it hilarious but surprisingly warm given its winter and yesterday at 4am it was 1.3, our coldest night so far.

Half off topic: I have a book called "Soldier Dogs" about dogs trained and used in combat. Moving, interesting, astonishing. Until recently, dogs were deemed "army materials", so were almost never shipped back from the war zones to the US, but that changed after much protesting, and now they can be adopted via a very rigorous program. Same author wrote Secret Service Dogs, but I haven't read that one yet. Talked with the author once on Facebook, very friendly woman.

One of the things that comes up is that Labs, even though they have incredible stamina and bite force, can not be trained as combat dogs. They just lack the aggression, and become loony if you (try to) force them. They truly are (unless mismanaged) incredibly into humans - all humans.

We have two, and I can only confirm that. They each produce 3 to 4 barks a week max (when something happens at the front door and they can't see what). Slightly more now, as the oldest is completely deaf and very very slightly demented at times. But she's having fun, eats like a puppy, so she'll have a full 14 years on this earth soon - which is pretty decent for a Lab (usually get to about 12 yo).

I do worry for the younger one though. He's 11, and was adopted by her after about 0.3 seconds in the house. They have been inseparable since, and we still have to witness the first "argument" between them (not even a grunt, nothing).

As for the other pets, the cats just love them both and want to constantly lie next to/on top of them. Even the parrot - who came late in their lives - doesn't pose a problem.

The neighbours have said a few times they keep forgetting we have dogs, as they never hear them. It's a big family there, constantly people coming and going, but the dogs know exactly who's who and don't blink an eye.

Anyway, like I said, off topic, but it does confirm the Lab thing.

The 3 successful ones we have are Labs, but along the way there have been 2 unsuccessful Labs. The other DDO has had 2 labs. So in all 7 rescued Labs and all trained to be DDDogs, 5 successful and the other 2 rehired to living officers. But, the digs usually retire at 8, our 2 older boys are now 11 and won't live much longer DD#3 is 6 coming on 7 he will retire in 18 months so we need a new dog trained. The other DDO his DD#1 died 2 yrs back, she was our DD#1 mother. His other DD#2 needs to retire very soon hence the high need for replacements and the training. Like I said it's a hi ho stressful life being a DDO. They all get defence service medals on 5 yrs service. It's really quite cool.

DD#4 not progressing beyond what he's achieved. He can do it, but he seems to have little drive. As in, he gets bored & can't be bothered. Beginning to look like he won't make it past this Friday. A tough week we have!
I went to GP yesterday, have found a lump. Need mammogram & ultrasound, in my favour, it hurts. 9/10 when it hurts it's not usually anything beyond the usual lumps & bumps we women find.
DB had his arterial scan, all good but radiologist said he must go back & see GP about the muscle in his calf, it's still not healed & needs to be addressed.
Of DB last rehab group, only DB has maintained a longer term sobriety, others have lapsed, recovered, lapsed and then completely relapsed. Yesterday sad news one has taken his life on Monday - while back in BRC rehab. Not good, not good at all. Many reminders being dredged up, funeral next week. Most of DB group going to try and go.
Yes, a very tough week.

A weeks reprieve for DD4 with a new owner to be sourced. He's very popular and well loved amongst the officers and many a bid has gone in for him. The best owner, home, companion and opportunities will be the one. A girl with another shepherd is leading the race. Sad days ahead. The Governor came to watch DD4 plodding along on the lead to seek out the "find" and said "he seems ok, he found what you've hidden" DB agreed but then said now watch DD3 in action who is 8 yrs of age. DD3 zoomed past the "find" at full pace off lead, his body quivering with excitement, then the Governer saw him visibly lift his head, hit the 4paw skid, he was going so fast he he skidded at least 2 metres, spin on a dime, race back to the "find" sit and put his nose on it.

The funeral is on Wednesday, many will be thinking there go I but for the grace of God. I met him while he was sober at the end of DB rehab, I can't bear to think what his loved ones are going through. I know through all his time they will have expected the call but to get it when he's down in rehab must be searingly painful to the soul.