[andi]

I'm sorry to dump my little problems on everyone here but I don't really have much support. I had posted a little while ago that my boyfriend and I were fighting a lot in the last few months and unfortunately it's not getting any better. I gave him (my boyfriend) the link (survival guide) mark sent in my last post about my depression. He (my bf) read it and he still keeps telling me my problems are from depression and anxiety. He continues to tell me he wants the "old" me back and that hurts me so much. He refuses to believe that many of my "issues" stem from this injury. I am not myself and never will get back to 100%.

My entire life has been ruined by this car accident. Will I ever get back on my feet again. Any advise on my boyfriend situation. I'm thinking it might be time to just move on. I might never be "that old me" again. I'm afraid the "new" me must be someone really horrible for him to hate me this much. I thought I was the one that was supposed to be in denial about my injury not him.

[Mark in Idaho]

andi,

Sorry to hear about how your boyfriend is treating you. He sounds selfish and stubborn.

You need to live your life with your limits and opportunities. If he will not accept you as you currently are, maybe it is time to move on. You need a stress free environment to heal more.

My wife knows that I am not the man she married 30 years ago. She also sees how my injuries have effected me and my personality. I know it is not easy for her but the accommodations she has made are making life for both of us much better.

Have you connected to a brain injury support group? You need the support.

Check out this web site. http://www.headinjury.com/checktbi.htmThe check list might be worth doing. You can answer it and he can answer it. Then you can compare your answers. It can be good at getting conversation and understanding started.

btw, What are the specifics that he is refusing to accept?
Does he not tolerate your need for a less chaotic environment?
What does he want from you that you currently are not able to provide?

Maybe we can help you see if there are any ways to accommodate him.
Or ways he can learn to accommodate you.

Besides my injury limitations, memory, sound etc., I have undergone noticeable personality changes at least three times in my life. My wife has witnesses some of them. My first was at 10 years old. I was no longer my mom's 'sweet little boy." I lost most of my friends at school due to those changes.

You may need some help learning how to relate to others from a more disciplined way rather than from natural expression. I have to make an effort to be a nice person rather that react the way my brain wants to. My brain is constantly telling me to react. It takes strong determination to make a choice to not react. My meds may be helping with this issue. I do not know for sure.

Keep in touch.

My best to you.

[roadrunner63]

My wreck was April 2010. My boyfriend says I'm definitely NOT the same person. Yes, some of me that he really liked is gone. He's learning to deal with the new me, just as I am. I'm fortunate that he cares enough for me to do that.

No real advice but he needs to be supporting you at this time not making matters worse by adding stress. If he can't do that he might not be able to handle a relationship with you.

[andi]

mark

thanks for the checklist I am going to take advantage of that for sure. Having him fill it out as well about me will help me to see what he sees and maybe when he sees how I see it will help.

Mostly it is now a lack of communication. I am getting better which is kind of making things a little worse as I constantly readjust to what I can or can't do. And then when something I was able to do again goes away again it's yet another adjustment.

I call my house my prison because the only time I leave is to get my son and sometimes go to the store. My financial situation is beyond dire at this point. Mostly I am alone. I have tried to explain to him that I need him to lean on even more now than ever before and I get upset when he leaves me hanging all the time. He won't tell me when he's going to be home if he is coming home. He still has his apartment until the lease is up in april but stays with me almost every night. He will say he will call and doesn't.

This last fight was because he went out for drinks with another woman that is married and I know her but the plan that I was told was he was going to work and then had to go out of town. Instead of working all day he ran around with his friend of the opposite sex all day and then ignored me and had drinks with her. I wasn't invited or told about it. The only time I can leave my prison is when he takes me from here as I don't have enough gas to even make it to the other side of town.

He says he is doing nothing wrong but no matter how i try to tell him i am being left in the dark all the time and it is making me crazy. I don't want him to feel he has to check in for every little thing he does but it would be nice to know if when he was coming home. And I don't think any woman would be happy about their boyfriend having drinks with a girl friend without being informed. There are other things too but I won't go into that.

He just says he wants the old me back. He never really gives me any examples of what the new me does that is so bad so I just sit here waiting on him everyday all day. I am sad and depressed, stressed to the max and him making me upset all the time isn't helping. I spent my birthday alone because we were fighting. I just feel like if he really loves me he will make whatever effort needs to be made for me to feel more secure. I know if he were the one who got injured I would make sure to be there 100% until his emotional state was stabilized. I feel like he is just getting tired of accommodating me and I can't tell him if or when it will get better.

Maybe it is unfair to ask someone to change their life because I was the one hurt in the wreck and not him. I was driving his car when we were hit by the drunk driver. He was not hurt only me.

thanks for you reply. i feel very alone and have very little financial, mental or emotional support. I am on a waiting list for some assistance but it might be months if ever that i get anything. A person from a support group called me but never mailed the info and I don't know when and where they meet. I can't remember from our conversation and can't find the notebook i wrote it down in. So at least for now you guys are kind of all i have. and i am very thankful for you.

[Mark in Idaho]

roadrunner,

Do you have any legal claim against the drunk driver?

Or against your BF's insurance company for uninsured motorist?

You need to avail yourself of every avenue of financial and other support possible.

Does Tennessee have a victims' assistance program?

Is he contributing to your household? The last thing you need is a drain of household resources.

Have you applied for SSI/SSDI? You will qualify for SSDI in April and likely SSI now.

Get him to do the checklist and add any thought as to how you have changed. Maybe you can appease him once you know what he is missing. If he is missing a girl to go out drinking and carousing, well that ship left the port last year.

A question that is usually very successful is, "Help me understand.... how you feel.... what is different about me now... What you want me to try to do differently... etc. " If he is mature about this relationship, he should be responsive.

Push some more to get connected with the brain injury support group. There should be no need for written information besides direction to meetings. A good brain injury support group is a 'show up and participate at your will' event. There should not be too much in the way of demands on participants.

Go find the syupport group and get connected. If he will go with you, he will find others who have lost far more than he has lost.

My best to you.

[Hazzell]

Hi Andi,

It's hard to feel so upset and unsupported by someone who is important to you when you are going through a difficult time. It sounds like this has been extremely hard on you during a time that you need love and care.

Obviously I know only what you wrote about your relationship, but I do not think that it is either fair or productive for the blame of his behaviors to be soley on you. These are HIS behaviors.

I think Mark's suggestions about communication are a great way to try to have a open dialouge with your BF about his fears, frustrations, hopes and needs.

Really listen to him and try to understand what he is communicating. Because, I don't think this is all about you and the brain injury, it's about him too- his strengths and limitations, his ways of coping, his thresholds for caring and being supportive of others and his needs.

And I think what he says (and what he may not say) will provide you with valuable information. I suggest, if at all possible, that you use all the info he provides in the conversation and how he has been treating you, to evaluate if this relationship is what YOU want and need at this point in your life.

I think it's great that you are looking into a brain injury support group and I agree with Mark about connecting to financial and support resources.

-Hazzell

[andi]

well he left me, so i guess its a non-issue.