[Nik-key]

In my quest to know why Dad took his life, I have learned things I never knew before. Each new fact tortures me. The cup analogy plays in my mind. I know no one single thing decided that fateful moment when he decided, he'd had enough. Many things contributed to his mindset. He had seen so much in the wars, he had been through so much personal heartache. I am not trying to find someone to blame for his death, but I am trying to figure out how Dad could feel suicide was the only answer.

I knew my Dad believed the cancer was back. He had lost weight, over 60 pounds. He felt weak, and complained of how he couldn't do things any more. He was tired. He had been to the doctors. Later, after his death... I found out he had been in the ER the weekend before..... I found out after, he was suppose to go to his doctors at 3pm, he killed himself at noon. He didn't wait for testing. We will never know if the cancer was indeed back. But, truly what does that matter? I suppose the only thing that did matter, is that in his mind, he "knew" it was back.......

What is troubling me now, is I recently found out that my Dad did confide to his doctor that he was depressed. Obviously nothing was done to help him. I have been torturing myself with this new found knowledge. Had I known, I might have been able to save him! I sit here now, wondering WHY his doctor didn't offer him any sort of help? I am shocked that my proud father admitted to a professional that he was depressed, yet no steps were taken. I feel, he could have been saved. I feel a compelling need to make sure this doesn't happen again. I am unsure of what I will do. But, I know I have to do something.

[Twinkletoes]

Bless you, Nikki, for wanting to make a positive difference in helping others with depression.

I am so very sorry that steps weren't taken to help your dear father, when he had the courage to confide his depression to the doctor. He must have had his "brave face" on, else the doctor would surely have understood that he desperately needed help. If only, if only.

Nikki, you are courageous like your father, to delve into this information that upsets you so. I hope that somehow it will help with the closure that is so slow in coming. Perhaps now, with your new determination to reach out to others, your thoughts will be refocused and give you the impetus to go forward with your aspirations.

I'll be very interested to know what your plans are. Praying you will find direction for your energy and comfort for your troubled heart.

[Alffe]

Oh that elusive why question. That unanserable one that we all ask, and ask, and ask until we are satisfied.

I can only speculate about why your dear dad wouldn't share his depression with you. He loved you so much Nikki and knew how much you already had on your plate...I'm sure he knew you'd want to "fix it" for him and it was probably unfixable.

Keep asking dear lady....a "journey of a thousand miles".

I agree with Twink...you are very courageous.

[Nik-key]

((Twink)) your reply, well... it made me cry. But, a good cry.... you are such a treasure and I am so thankful you are in my life

((Alffe))... again, thank you!! I will keep on swimming In my heart, I think that is one question I do know the answer to. He didn't tell me, as he didn't want me to stop him. I could have, and I know it with all that I am. Had I only known...............

I am not sure what I will do just yet. I do feel a strong need to let his doctor know Dad took his own life. My step mom only said he passed away. I need to think on this some.... I need to find a way to let him know what is in my heart. My intent is NOT to make this doctor feel responsible or badly.... but, I do feel he needs to know he could have done so much more. I think it would be a tragedy if I didn't let him know. Perhaps in the future, when a patient tells him they are depressed, he will take action. Perhaps a life can be saved!

I can't believe I did it I am not sure I am ready for this.... but, I emailed our police chief and asked what I could do to raise suicide awareness.... not only for our community, but to our doctors. There are signs... we may not see them, but they are always there. My Dad reached out, told a doctor he was depressed, and was ignored. That, simply has to stop. A first step.............

I also can't help but think, screw confidentiality. I DO understand how important it is!!! But, is it more important than a loved ones life? If I admitted I was depressed or suicidal to a doctor, wouldn't my Dad have wanted to know? Do I now wish, with every fiber of my soul...that I had been told he was depressed? Oh hell yes!!! It is a hard place to be, I can see both sides. But, right now the only side that speaks to my heart is, my Dad may still be here if the doctor was allowed to tell me.............

Still thinking.... still searching...... thanks for being here with me

[Twinkletoes]

Bravo for emailing the Chief of Police! So proud of you!!!

[BJ]

No matter how long and hard you search for a reason Nikkey, you won't be able to answer the "WHY" that haunts you. Each suicide is individual, regardless of the generalizations about the "whys", and there may be no way you will completely understand your father’s thought process and that’s the part that sucks.

Your journey through grief cannot be compared to another person's journey. You will grieve in your way and in your time. Grief does not have a set time limit. The only certainty is that it will take longer than you want it to. Fear, depression, anger, loneliness, despair—these emotions come and go with dizzying unpredictability. Your life is like a roller-coaster ride that you can't get off.

Stay on the ride. You can't hurry the grieving process. My grief counselor told me each time one of these emotions comes flooding back, it is a sign that you are recovering. No matter how long it has been, you still carry a portion of your grief with you. Emotions you already dealt with come flooding back at the most unexpected times. Grief's timing is not your timing. Just yesterday I was in the supermarket and saw a pack of baseball cards. It all came flooding back how Mark used to collect them, put them in binders, cherish them like they were gold. I stood in the middle of the produce aisle and suddenly I found myself absolutely shaking with sobs. Fortunately, there was no one else in that particular aisle. All the feelings, thoughts, and emotions came rushing back. I started thinking of my mom and how she’d probably be home having her nose buried in a cookbook trying to come up with the perfect Sunday dinner if she were still here. I left everything in the cart and walked out the door.

You feel as though you've been in this pit, this dark tunnel, on this roller-coaster ride, far too long. There is no microwave healing Nikkey. There's no way you can just zap it, and you're better. If there was, I’d set that microwave on high and zap all our pain away.

The holidays are bearing down on as and for me it’s an emotional land mine. The emotions you feel on those days can be as intense or even more intense than the emotions you felt at first. But try to remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there. And you will get there Nikkey

[Nik-key]

((BJ)) You inspire me I know everything you say is true..Thank you

I am not sure why I have been fighting it? But, I have put in a call to a grief counselor. I have never been to any sort of therapy. I certainly respect it, and always advise others to get the help they need. But, hmmmm... it is different to admit you need the help yourself. I have always managed all life’s tragedies on my own, with help from friends, family and God. This pain, goes beyond my abilities. My coping skills were destroyed that day, and I simply don't know how to build them back up.

This past week, has been a sort of revolution for me. I have these overwhelming feelings that I must find a way to make my Dad's death seem less senseless. I feel a need to take steps to make sure doctors don't dismiss people when they admit they are depressed. I have a need to try to honor Dad's tortured soul, by fighting, by not letting this depression slowly and quietly eat away at me to the point it claims yet another life.

I want to do what I have always done when faced with tragedy, turn it into a way to help others. Again, I am not sure I am ready for this But, I DO know the only thing that has ever helped my soul heal, is in reaching out to help others fight the battle I am. A way to turn my pain, into a positive, it brings me comfort and healing.

I am talking a lot with our police chief. I live in a small town, I learned that in 2006 there were 6 deaths by suicide I knew of 3, and thought that was entirely too many!! I found out that last year, the town formed a coalition. Their goal was to raise awareness and to offer local mental health services. The closest place for us to go is about 45 minutes away. They now have a doctor one day a week in town, and they have held two seminars at the local library.

It is a start, but it has a long long way to go. Again, it is a small town, yet, I never heard of this coalition. Another .. I plan to join the coalition and see if I can change that *deep breath* ...... I want to do so much more. Only through awareness , breaking the silence, can there be prevention. I want to shatter that silence. There is nothing here for survivors, I want to change that as well.

For the first time in a long time, I feel a glimmer of hope...........

[Twinkletoes]

Keep moving forward, Nikki, and turn that glimmer of hope into a bright beacon for others who need it.

[Nik-key]

Thank you twink I'm a trying!

((BMW)) sent me this, I just love it. I copied it and have it right on my computer so I can see it. Thought I would share it with you. Thank you Tina

[DMACK]

Dear Nik-KEY


Do they have a Samaritan service where you live.

In the UK its a free-phone number, some towns and cities have drop in centres as well for face to face talking. also free]..as not everyone likes the phone.

IF not ........and you feel compelled to help address the curse of suicide....why not seek out several like minded people in your town...seek the support of your local government office to acquire a property to base yourself.

if your town is made aware of the free supportive listening service..you will be surprised how many people call..............


from acorns---come oak trees.....................good luck with whatever you choose to do to highlight this curse in humanity.


David