[waves]

FYIi: post degenerates after initial paragraphs. topics include suicide.

i don't know how to live like this any more. i mean i just keep on passively letting things go by. been trying to work get work applications in... despite some small hurdles. i know that might change things. but there are so many steps and more steps... and sometimes i stop along the way and cannot explain it. other times i can explain it, and it is an ugly explanation.

i feel abhorrent, my parents are aging, i should be taking care of them instead nobody is taking care of anybody we are at each other's throats most of the time packed like sardines in this apartment. their attitudes towards me are inconsistent and either way hard to take. when i offer help it is refused. told i am too sick to work and many other unkind things, so keeping that a secret from one of them. i wish i had kept it a secret unto myself... i might be more productive on getting those apps out ... that's how it works. as it is, there aren't even very many ads. not like i'm swamped or anything.

today, another conflict and it triggered an old, deep wound and i ended up in a bout of derealization. i took some lorazepam. i felt too weak and senseless to do grounding exercises. i slept a little. i have trying not to use it because i am tapering my other benzo... don't ask me how, but coming off it totally is a long way off.

i just want it all to end. i looked up LD50's of a few things today and the information i needed was inconclusive. i would not attempt something halfway that could leave me maimed. i also would hate to leave my pdoc knowing i used meds he prescribed. anyway, i also have to write a will and establish beneficiaries for one or two things at least. the rest can go, but of course this is all crap anyway, because if i can barely get through translating my resume then how am i going to go and find the right legal format and two witnesses for a will ... i don't even have the freaking means to get out of this place PERMANENTLY. i am of NO USE to my parents. i cause them only grief. it doesn't matter what i do or do not do. and i have been told i do nothing.

not to mention - sorry to bring in religion - i am not catholic but i grew up in vaguely Christian surroundings, Methodist school, and abide by the 2 main teachings of Christ even though i consider myself agnostic because most Christians cannot relate to my concept of God as being like... the whole cosmic thing... it's complicated, and the true fact is, i am uncertain of anything and everything. i feel i am too small a being to "know." by the same token i am still terrified of a possible eternity in flames. or, you know, in Islam, it is the most despicable crime to take your life which is the most precious God-given gift, and the punishment is an eternity... not in hell flames, but reliving whatever suffering/means you employed to die.

and you it isn't as though i actually want to die, either! i just can't see any way out of living like this. i can't see things getting any better. i am not even depressed for crying out loud. but i feel claustrophobic in my own skin and in my own home any more. there is no housing, no subsidies, no nothing for unemployment.

meanwhile i am hating myself more and more as i see my character erode into a more and more dismal hateful ungrateful critical intrusive disrespectful hopeless lazy? incompetent capricious disgraceful BI***.

i wish i were not an "agnostic" and had "true faith." many have told me to act as if... i feel that is only a hypocrisy. true faith helps people be better people when the going gets rough. i feel like i am grasping at thin air. i talk to an impersonal God but still intellectually i am uncertain if i will simply turn to ash when i die despite my spiritual folklorish leanings. And too, how man-made it all is. I stare at portraits of Christ and know he didn't look like that. He wasn't a rosy white man, for one, the way he is often depicted here. I find it upsetting. why can't they respect ethnic origins. The Church upsets me and the Catholic church is one of the most wacky as far as being upsetting.

i am trying to find employment. i have food shelter and clothing, but out of someone else's sense of duty... i am no longer even sure it is true generosity, in fact, there might be some legal crap here by which they have to provide (not sure). still, i am not secure in it. also i have not freedom to go elsewhere - there isn't anywhere else... but the street.

and whenever i contemplate the more permanent solution, i end up where i intuitively i feel it isn't my right to choose when to stop being here, all law and religion aside. but mind you that hellfire and that repeating act thing... those certainly are rather menacing aspects to it all aren't they.

sleep is elusive. who can sleep with all these emotional and spiritual vultures circling constantly. my cuticles are literally a mess of blood. i reduced my benzo but things weren't any better on the higher dose, nor taking lorazepam.

a former therapist used to ask me where i hurt. when i am upset. the parts are, the stomach, the chest, and the throat. especially the throat. the throat is the seat of self-expression and creativity in the chakra system. interesting, considering one of my big problems is my inability to create, to do my art, to express myself... to GET ON WITH LIFE... SOMEHOW.

~ waves ~ wondering when it will end... maybe a brick will fall on my head tomorrow.

[befuddled2]

Waves,

Is there someone you can call to talk to?

Barbara

[Mari]

Dear Waves,

I'm very sorry.

Excuse me if I get this wrong.
Are you mostly depressed? I'm guessing you are depressed. If that is the case then you need to reach out for emergency help.
You likely can do the equivalent of what we can do here and walk into an ER and get evaluated and treated.

This will depend on how you present.
Let the folks in the business of helping help you.


I'm doing my best because I haven't been writing much lately because I can't. I can't find the ways to say things.

Pretend you are here and I can reach out to you.

Mari

[Mari]

Dear Waves,
Is a hospital an option that you have considered?
Can you let someone take care of you?
Have you been through the hospital idea in your mind?

Is this something new right now -- the past few days?
Or has this been going on a long time?

I'm thinking from what you wrote that maybe this is a long time coming but more recent in intensity.

Originally Posted by waves

... the whole cosmic thing... it's complicated, and the true fact is, i am uncertain of anything and everything. i feel i am too small a being to "know." by the same token i am still terrified of a possible eternity in flames. or, you know, in Islam, it is the most despicable crime to take your life which is the most precious God-given gift, and the punishment is an eternity... not in hell flames, but reliving whatever suffering/means you employed to die.

My religious beliefs are still forming and not centered in any one clearly expressed group. But I know that we are supposed to live. We have to. That is the job / task we have been given. I'm sure of it. And it is not quite the same as yours with enternity being involved. My thinking does not go that far into the future.
I'm trying to say that living is best.
(And I stink at writing right now. I apologize for that.)

a former therapist used to ask me where i hurt. when i am upset. the parts are, the stomach, the chest, and the throat. especially the throat. the throat is the seat of self-expression and creativity in the chakra system. interesting, considering one of my big problems is my inability to create, to do my art, to express myself... to GET ON WITH LIFE... SOMEHOW.

Waves, I read your whole post. But I feel my self writing / trying to respond to the part that I can.
You know more about the chakras than I do. But I think you need the lower chakras at this moment - the ones with the physical life force.

I saw this on a web site a few days ago about grounding so I am going to link to it.
http://chronicle.com/forums/index.ph...,63190.30.html
You are stuck in the upper chakras (crown/eye/throat) and weak in the lower (root/pelvis). Over activity in the upper zone of communication and intellect, while experiencing deep deficits and drain of security from the root is manifesting as a perception of burning the candle at both ends with nothing to show for it. Is your breathing shallow? When you stand up do you ground through two feet?

If you are going to use these models hara/chakra/meridian/marma, take them beyond the metaphor and start to do something about it. Recognize this is as much a boundary crisis as burnout. You are leaky as well as strained.

Work with the breath. Stand up. As you inhale, visualize a bright column of energy descending from the crown down to the root through the spinal cord. Obviously, you sense it cannot get there due to the core dryness, but do it anyway. On exhalation release all that energy through you feet into the ground. Do that at least 5 minutes.

Then reverse the sense of energy connected with breath and add movement. On inhalation, sweep your arms up over your head. You can bend you elbows and allow the palms to touch. As you inhale, sweeping, visualize drawing vital energy up from the core of the earth. As you exhale, lower your arms, consciously releasing and exchanging your own energy back into the ground. Feel the connection. As you proceed, connect to above and below.

Recognize you are a part of the whole.

Take care.

Is it true that you need some one right now?
Someone to reach?
I feel that maybe you are not connected.

Mari

[Pamster]

Oh waves I am so sorry you're suffering so badly. I am so glad you posted. I would definitely get in touch with you pdoc and get in ASAP, you need some med tweaking and talk therapy fast! If they can't get you in like in the next two weeks, (even that is too long IMO) I would see about doing what Mari suggested.

I wish you the best waves, try to get by until you get seen, KEEP posting because now we're all worried and want you to get better. Don't worry if you don't have happy news, just keep posting so we know you're okay and update us on what you do to make this sadness and depression GO away.

I have been in a bad funk for awhile but they upped my trazadone so I am hoping it GOES away soon, so sick of it all, and want to be better. Take care waves.

[waves]

Originally Posted by befuddled2

Waves,

Is there someone you can call to talk to?

Barbara

my pdoc, once a week, for an hour. anybody else? no. even if there were, a crisis line i couldn't talk about things - they involve my family and i have NO PRIVACY here. no matter what room i'm in my parents can hear EVERYTHING.

and i'm afraid if i let things out too much he will call my parents. i told my mother today when the "switch" happened" and i suddenly plummeted into this... i also told her i didn't have the means and would not do anything because i felt the risk was too high of being only maimed. she calls my talking "threats" and i don't think she realizes i really think about it. in any event, i don't think she could handle it if she thought of it any other way perhaps.

thanks for replying.

~ waves ~

[waves]

Mari,

thank you yes... i have considered a hospital... and this has come in waves. usually it happens without reason at the end of my cycle when i have a natural mood drop. this cycle it didn't. pdoc and i were satisfied - wellbutrin probably helping at this point. today it happened as result of a fight which brought up very deep hurt in me and re-activated a lot of old pain. even tho i wrote frankly about my research, i do not feel in danger because i am such a chicken - about what if i don't succeed and end up worse, and what if i do succeed and end up in hell. so, you see. then, there are the practical aspects that are not done.

if i go to a hospital it will close a good window for job openings. and a JOB will be the real ticket out of this. the problem with the hospital is it is a temporary solution to a problem that will only worsen while my "home" is with my parents and i have no income. the hospital will not let me stay there forever. also i will have no internet access so will not be able to look for jobs... "free" of the eyes of my parents. most in my field are in fact advertised via internet, so that is not good.


I do not feel depressed as such. also i feel more blocked as far as expression than leaky. then again i can write things here - but that's about it. perhaps the problem with the life force is causing aberrations in what is coming out at the top.

thank you very much for the exercises. i think i might be able to get them in unobserved. i hate not having a place to do things. but they sound short enough i could maybe hijack the bathroom for a short time.

I would love to be there, physically. My friend/sister in Orlando keeps telling me to come. but right now for many reasons i will not go into i am stuck here. i would so love to be with her for a while.

thank you for reaching out.

~ waves ~

[waves]

well you did a good job and i hear what you were saying. thank you

also, i know it is for a different reason... but maybe not quite so different in an odd way. until age 8 i was perfectly 100% bilingual and could flip languages in mid sentence with perfect inflections and all. my relatives would tease my parents because their inflections had been altered by living abroad, while i, born over your side of the world, i reacquired perfect local inflections within a couple days of being here (for holidays).

But, after years in the islands and Florida, English took over... When i was not spoken too in English i even answered in English... i began to realize this one day... when it was already too late. Then, in 1999 i got stuck having to come here, across the ocean.

And the language. it was TERRIBLE. i was beyond tongue-tied. I was brain-tied. I had to work around phrases i could conceptualize but not verbalize. i hit verbal stone walls. See, i was not accustomed to translating from English because i learned both languages in "native" form - brain was used to going directly from concept to word. So although, in a pinch, i could fill in with English, and then translate (to produce stilted phrases), i felt incredibly linguistically handicapped. Like someone had taken a module out, erased some things, scrambled others, and put it back in. My sentences were punctuated with "mmmmm" while my stomach somersaulted and i felt my eyes would pop out from frustration.

In addition - a separate issue though - my "level" of language - notably lexicon and phrase vocabulary, was not as evolved of course because my higher schooling was all done in the US. Interviewing was awful - i did not know the formal terms for things like salary nor even the word "interview!" In English I was eloquent and had always been good at interviews. Suddenly i was verbally incompetent. And WRITING job applications? HAH!!!! (at least i had weeks to work on them, unlike speech, whcih was "on the fly"). So, perhaps i can relate a little? to what you are experiencing. Certainly, I know the experience terrified me. Given my adult age i was afraid of never being able to acquire a native level again, one appropriate for my age.

WELL.

If it can be of comfort, i reacquired the lapsed skills AND acquired a greater level of mastery in the local language. No stroke here, but... the point is, it wasn't a new language... but i had lost some and had to integrate new stuff to it. And you will be able to recover, replace, reorganize, and if need be, add. So take heart. IT CAN BE DONE.

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

[waves]

oh Pam thank you. and for noticing i was gone.

I do see my pdoc every week. he is also my therapist so it is a combination session. i don't know what i will tell him i will tell him some of this though. there is not much he can do for me i fear... we are in agreement that i should not yet go back on Zoloft since i took it for 5 years and stopped in... what Feb? anyway. the brain needs to resettle itself after all that time. later it could perhaps be a good adjunctive to Wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin is what i'm on now, and at the worst part of my cycle i was ok. but truly today i was triggered. we really cannot expect the meds to do everything. it's just that we/i am more sensitive. and the trigger was a really deep one... actually hit multiple targets. so when i lose my tenuous footing, just regained... well. i was overwhelmed.

I honestly do not feel this is depression... unless... i am not seeing the forest for the trees?

it really feels more like resistance... a block. and pdoc and i are working on that. also i have had some personal losses lately 2 friends for completely different reasons. one of them however was someone i saw occasionally and... well, i am still confused AND hurt by that. and the fights in the family have been really bad. i am not on equal ground. i bring nothing to this family, you see. so... whenever there is conflict... i always feel like... there's the door... i'm welcome to use it (and go... where?) and then i feel really ungrateful. however, my pdoc agrees that a lot of what goes down in here is really bad for me. that i need OUT of hear ASAP... and a job will do that. the economy is recovering slowly but there is a lot of ageism here... i am trying to chisel away when i can at my prison... have been doing nothing and watching reruns some, sleep is all over... but i have been putting some applications out there. that is really what i need to keep doing, and hope for a stroke of luck, a blessing, a miracle.

i also feel deeply lonely. i do not want to be single but i do not want to be with someone abusive either. any kind of abusive. there are more ways than one can count.

anyway. thanks for the encouragement. i will try to post more. i feel badly i just sort of dropped out.

i am glad you are doing better these days.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Originally Posted by waves

if i go to a hospital it will close a good window for job openings. and a JOB will be the real ticket out of this. the problem with the hospital is it is a temporary solution to a problem that will only worsen while my "home" is with my parents and i have no income.

Dear Waves,
If a hospital is not an option, then my suggestion is something else that involves more intensity than you get now from the pdoc.
I don't know what the something else is.
A group maybe. Maybe not even a group related to mental health support.


I know that you have thought this out.
So I feel silly writing it.
M.