Dear Beth,

Here is a book that a therapist suggested hubby get when he was struggling with his father issues. We have it somewhere in the house.

http://www.amazon.com/Growing-Yourse.../dp/0609806416

Growing Yourself Back Up (Paperback) ~ John Lee (Author)

M.

as a young child I assumed the parent role and the shame of the family for my father's drinking. the parenting came from me primarily although my parents as i got older were very critical and i became the black sheep. i don't know what book would help me because of the confused nature of the whole thing. i blamed myself for not being perfect. my parents didn't give me the message that i was supposed to b e perfect. so many people told me how brilliant i was but i was an underachiever i think because of the bipolar. that obviously made me feel rotten about myself. i don't think a book would help me...maybe an entire library lol. I also have a lot of the insight...i just didn't have the emotional connection.I think I am gaining the emotional connection.
right now it is really hard because i hardly leave my apartment and i now have trouble walking more than half a block. I so isolated myself.
this isolation is really depressing myself.
also why i am saying that God is showing mercy on me. that is assuming GUILT...AS IF I HAD DONE SOMETHING BAD AND WAS SHOWING REPETANCE.
THAT IS THE SAME THING. i think God has been showing Grace on me.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,

You do have a lot of insight.

Regarding the isolation: I'm glad that you connect with people over the phone.
"Grace" sounds like a good word . . . . similar to "mercy" I'm guessing.
Can you feel the grace and the mercy. Do you feel love?

I think as you say we can have insight. The next step is to make the emotional connection with what we know.
I don't know. I wish you had a wise person to talk to.

Mari

the 32 year old I talk to seems to be a wise person...i am shocked because she is so young. but i speak to her onlly once a week. she is so gentle and so non judgmental. My sister has been writing to me more. about her life she says she doesn't know whether to laugh or cry but she said it is so filled with problems that she is always kept busy.
she is in favor of me getting a dog.
the assumption of guilt and mercy is a huge one for me...why can't i just accept Grace bestowed upon me....won't that bring me closer to love and be lovable. i sometimes really get shocked by people'e response to me....i spoke for a half an hour to a lovely( boy she was pretty too) to a woman on the bus on the way t therapy. She really wanted to hear what i had to say. Her daughter has a masters in psychology and is doing consulting and she wants her daughter to get a ph.d. and she works with children My therapist told me how much she liked me and she understood why i wanted to leave dr m. becauseof the commute. why can't i let these positive experiences in?
this is the grace of God
bobby

Dear Bobby,
I am thinking of you.
I hope that you can feel better about these things.

M.

thank you Mari
i don't think i am making progress.last night i was up most of the night. today i have two tests involving xrays which are probably getting me nervous.
I went out to lunch with my close friend but then had to run home after an hour. the pain was too much she called me and asked if she said if she did said something wrong. I said no it was just my bipolar and i was feeling too much pain
bobby

i wonder if this is the friend that is helping with expenses...

but even if it wasn't, i wonder if you could talk to your friend, the one who is helping, about getting a dog and that being therapeutic... might she be receptive? what if you pointed her to an article on pet therapy?

it wouldn't be right to get a dog behind her back - then she would be furious, and who can blame her, but i can't help wondering about ways to get her to understand and come around to the idea.

just thinking...

~ waves ~

this is a different friend....i wrote to my friend who is helping me and told her that the building said it was okay for me to get a dog. I told her that another friend said she would help in case i needed financial helpwith the dog. I told her my life was bleek and i don't see much of my friends because their plates are overflowing. I told her a dog would bring me joy She said I was treating her like a parent and seemed to be furious. I told her i was just waiting to die.
I told her like it was. I might also have scared her because i told her i was leaving dr.m. and was going to find another pyschiatrist and see him less.
I wrote that i was terrified of her anger. My new friend said that I should show good will and lose fifty pounds and show i really want a dog. he doesn't get it .she doesn't get it. nobody except a bipolar can seem to get it that you can feel so much pain for no reason but chemistry. I also wrote her that she might think i am a spoiled brat and she also used that to use my treating her as a parent. I HATE PARENTS. I NEVER HAD A PARENT IN THE TRADITIONAL SENSE. INEVER RECEIVED PARENTING. THEY GAVE ME NEGATIVE SH@T AND I GAVE THEM MORE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
sure i am scared of the responsibility and the ability to spread my love among my animals. I was just petting yuki for fifteen minutes and telling her she was my bunny rabbit. abby is prowling....she is using her claws out more. i am losing it.
love
bobby

Dear Bobby,

i am sorry your friends don't get it. I think it was the right thing to try to explain it to her. How sad though. And the one who thinks you should show "good will" and lose fifty pounds - HA! That just gets my goat. I think you show good will TO lose fifty pounds. I just think it isn't that easy. i tried and tried and tried to lose weight and didn't lose a single pound for a while. i have lost a little now but it seemed to have more to do with agitation than eating less and moving more. i think my metabolism must be changing right now. in general anyway, some people lose weight easier. oh and men - i read that under the same conditions, men lose weight easier than women. heck, no wonder they have a hard time understanding.

(((HUGS))) well, *I* know you have good will. I wonder if these people realize how much good will it takes sometimes just to keep going from day to day, and try and stay sane. Actually, no i don't wonder that. I know they don't realize, period.

I don't get the parents thing. I guess it just struck her that way and she got hung up on that. If she writes again about you treating her like a parent, could you suggest that perhaps giving you financial help is causing her to feel like a parent, and assure her that however you don't feel that way but you do appreciate her help. You could also say flat out the only reason you were talking to her about the dog/expenses aspect was out of respect for her assistance, which you don't take for granted and precisely because she is your friend and not a bank OR a parent.

It seems to me anyway, that she doesn't think that is her business since she got furious just for keeping her informed.

maybe you have already been through these conversations i don't know.

that is great that the building said ok to the dog, and that you have a friend who will help. Now you can just think about it and when you decide, you decide.

love

~ waves ~

thank you thank you....i told her in one of the last emails i don't think of her as a parent....i can be wreckless. I don't think she will stop helping me if i get a dog. i can't be positive. my friend showing good will is very hard on himself. he really drives himself. he is a normal but i don't know. he had a learning disability when young and really has overcompensated for it. If he had fifty pounds or more to lose he would probably do it and fast. eeks...
right now i am afraid to get on the scale. i have been having dreamfields pasta..a special pasta but i see you are supposed to have two ounces of it........ha...i give up...
bobby
i am beginning to think that we really are the sane ones and all the rest are the crazy ones...their defenses keep them crazy and we don't have the defenses to distort reality....