no i don't. i have really gotten myself into a hole. my bipolar has plagued me most of my life. I have beaten up myself most of my life. I have wanted to be a high achiever and did all sorts of crazy things. I majored in Latin at the U of Penn and I found languages very difficult. I never took the easy way. I excelled big time in tennis and that didn't make my self image better because although i enjoyed the sport mightily, i thought it was just a gift from God and i didn't give myself credit.
I thought as you got older life would get far less complex but mine has seem to taken on a whole new dimension. I don't read on the thread of other peoples's rage or frustration. Practically every body is younger than me. I have really made a mess of my life. For the past five or six years I stay on the bed mostly and read. I don't move but read. Now I have no energy to walk. I have shortness of breath. My pulmonary doctor says it is a mixture of anxiety and being overweight. I have to work on the overwork which is impossible since I just gave up smoking less than a year ago. I know i would feel a lot better if others on the forum talked about feeling rage and how they handle it. Also how they deal with disappointment in their life . I just met a very nice guy and I don't know if I will see him again.. I am so f#$ked up. I really am a very nice person and friends say i am very bright and very creative and i think they put up with me and my madnes and mood swings because i am nice and try to make them feel better. but this new rage eeeks
I am on ritalin for the second day. I think my doctor gave it to me for weight. I feel a lot of rage over all the weight gain in the past nine years since i was diagnosed. I was a thin kid and have a thin mentality. now i have diabetes high blood pressure and pernicious anemia, shortness of breath, and vitamin d deficiency. I can't relate to this at all..
MY bipolar seems to be getting worse yesterday my emotions were going all over the place and i think it was happening in less than minute intervals. it was so uncomfortable.
right now i am trying to work on forgiving myself for constantly beating myself up because i never measured up to my expectations I was a child psychologist for a while and people said i was gifted. it doesn't even make a dent. what will make a dent? do other people have these same problems.
I am a good cat mommy though. one of my cats knows how upset i have been lately so she has been demanding so much attention .. while i pet her endlessly at least i feel i am giving
bobby

YOu are a very giving woman, bobby, I wish you felt better.
You deserve to be nice to yourself too.
I only rage when I am manic and can't control my feelings nor actions and react like a two year old....this rarely happens to me thank goodness!
when the rage is over I have to apoligise to those that I have hurt and try to forgive myself and move on...we have a disease.
bizi
have you ever tried provigil?

that is interesting that you only feel rage when you are manic....or maybe it isn't.are they true feelings?
I haven't tried provigil. I am sure dr m. gave me ritalin for trying to lose weight. I have a hard time sleeping.....i get very few hours. last night i was up over half the night. i finally turned on the air conditioner and i don't know if it was the noise or what but it helped me finally go back to sleep. I can't tell if the depakote is helping me to get to sleep. i take it right before i go to bed.
that nice guy called and we talked for half an hour. He said would get together next week.
I am going to try to teach him the I Ching. we talked a lot about our kitty cats
bobby

well about 5 years ago I was so mad at someone that If they had been there I swear I would have killed them...I was so angry! Those feelings scared me to death!
I am not good at expressing my feelings...many times they come out wrong.
anyway..
It is nice to have nice conversations!

Dear Bobby,

I don't remember your writing about anger like this in the past.
Is it fairly recent?
Is the anger more easily described as part of depression, a mixed mood, or depression?

Or is it more about deep seated feelings about the past coming to the service?

These feelings do not sound like fun and I am sorry you are going through them.


M.

how do they come out wrong? you are such a sweetie pie. it seems you try so hard to always make us feel better.
the only time i thought i might kill somebody was when a nurse was taking off dead skin after my explosion. it was torture and i finally warned her she had to stop or else. she was such a kind nurse. i can see why you were so scared....what triggered you then to get so mad at the person.
bobby

they aren't fun and i think it is a mixed mood. the pills were straitjacketing my feelings a bit but I know i became gradually explosive when i felt injustices were being done and damaged people were being used and possibly abused.
i also know i came in touch with how my parents really beat me up emotionally even through adulthood. I dont' think our being bipolar gives us good defenses.
I also got upset about health issues and then gained more weight because of the anxiety. now i am in a hole because the pulmonary doctor seems to think that my weight and anxiety are causing my breathing problems.
the ritalin worked for cutting down my appetite but it drove me so crazy. i started really obsessing and then just wanting to die. those feelings lasted until i stopped taking the ritalin.
the sweet guy i met also has been on my mind. i feel so vulnerable and from fear I am afraid I will upset the apple cart. instead of being happy I am scared now about that. my anger is diminishing.I am also trying to forgive myself for beating myself all my life because i couldn't perform the way i expected myself to perform because my bipolar anxiety etc really got in the way. it is really painful to be told how bright one is and then constantly see one floundering.
bobby

Dear Bobby,
I wish you could let yourself just be.....
and not have expectations of yourself.
You are kind and loving and very giving from what you write about.
Please allow yourself to have some fun and I hope that you can continue to have nice conversations with this guy....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

he called today and he told me about a show he saw on the history planet about ancient egypt and airplanes and obelisks...he is definitely interesting.
i think my lack of energy is the killer. he seems to have so much energy even though he is not much younger than i am for a change.
i guess i am not going to therapy today. i can't fall asleep. i have been listening to Chess....i love that musical. i am also going to try the atkins diet but probably will gain weight on it.
my social security check hasn't been deposited and that is worrying me...i will call up the back and social security as soon as they open.
i am a wreck. I did read a lot of selections from rabbi Nachman this morning and boy did i enjoy them. He stresses joy and imperfects being normal....
I wondered if he suffered from depression and overcame it. he said it is okay to be heartbroken and to overcome that but depression is bad.
I am tempted to put up the url because maybe it doesn't matter what religion you are.he has a lot of wisdom.
bobby
http://www.azamra.org/essential.shtml
oh Nachman says anger is really bad

Dear Bobby,

I've been reading the writings in your link.
There seems to be much in here about love and serving with our emotions.
We can feel connected this way.

I hope that you stayed away from the tdoc and got some sleep.
Sleep is good.



M.