i feel for you. a lot of times i am sleepless but i don't have to perform and if i did i would probably start crying.
bobby

Dear Beth,

A.M.

I sleep in the morning for a few hours.

I call it "night." Sorry to be confusing.


M.

I'm going to call the pdoc
 

Hi,

I made a big mess.
Over the weekend, the affects of the extra Klonopin were ok for a day or so.

Today, that did not work out well.
I had 4 hours of sleep. Then around 11:45 am I took .5 as an experiment.


I was relaxed but still had chest pains off and on.
Also, I think I am grinding my teeth at night -- jaw feels off.


At 12:00 midnight a few minutes ago I took my usual dose (since November) of 2.0 because I am still hung over from the .5.


I'm done messing around with the Klonopin.
Work slows down in two weeks.
I will be able to get more sleep soon.


Pdoc's appt is July. I will call to make the an appt. sooner.


M.

Oh Mari, I wish it were so easy to fix, or make better. Like a diabetic checks their sugar level and takes insulin to adjust. Gosh maybe someday it will be like that.

I think of you all on here everyday, and when I am crashing at 5 am until 9 am, I know I am not alone...

Why can't the doc's just figure out a balance and a decent medication that is even keel. Kicks in the high test gas when we need it, and slows down to the low grade to let us have a sleep pattern.

Here I feel better when someone is awake, I feel most vulnerable at night? But yet was a cop pulling the mid nights and wishing for the action :rolleyes:

Feels like I can give in to sleep when the sun will soon be up, sucks for having energy though....a nap at supper time or 4 pm helps.

Hugs :hug:

Dear Di,

I think in my case that the weird sleeping is related to anxiety.
I love the night, but not for sleeping.
And I guess I am not the only one like that.

You are right. Maybe we could find some scientists researching this somewhere.

I hope you find ways to get more sleep in the daytime to make up for not sleeping at night.

=-=-=-

Once I did a cortisol 24 hour spit test.
The results were completely wacky: It was low when it should have been high. What a mess.
Probably, my other hormones are confused and not working at the right performance level.

=-=-=-=-

Be kind to yourself. :heartthrob: :circlelove: :heartthrob::circlelove: :heartthrob:
I have been learning to be kind -- others on this board have taught me.


M.

Wow scientifically, we are supposed to have levels of melatonin, the cortisol, and all the chemical balance in harmony.

I hope they can get the body on course and you can enjoy the summer.

I am off to do mindless activity to harvest my crops, feed my fish and serve the food from the cafe, not a FB addict, but it takes the heavy thoughts away....then I may sleep.
nitey nite,
di

:grouphug:I was into some facebook games, for some reason I am now just roaming
through at times.

Life just throws some differennt things in.

Donna

Dear Mari
 

i am glad you will be trying to get in to see pdoc. :hug::hug::hug:

i hope he will be able to help, in some way.

i want you to feel better.

~ waves ~

rethinking my job
 

Hi,

During the week I had chest pains and other stuff going on.

I am going to try to step down from some duties.
I'm not sure when I should let me team members know so that they can prepare to step up. I'm freeeking tired of being their leader. One of them can be the leader -- or not, I don't care anymore. It won't be I.

I don't know how to do it but I will meditate on it.
(don't laugh at me, but one of my main goals is to get serious about meditation. tdoc says to do 5 mins everyday. I'll start later today after I go to bed.)

Also tdoc will have insight on how to handle stepping down when I get around to seeing her next month.

I did walk on Sunday. Walking is good for me. It has always worked for me in the past.
I think I can do more of it now that I have some time opening up in my week.

M.

Any better?
 

Sorry that it has taken me so long to check in and see how you are doing!!! :o
How are the med things going? Are you still having problems with the klonopin dosage? How about the sleep and the anxiety, are they any better? Did you ever get a hold of your psych doc to see if you could get an earlier appt? Sorry for all the questions but I am concerned and am also trying to play catch up with what you are going through!:hug: I can say that I have also been in the situation where I have felt so overwhelmed I have taken more than my fair share of klonopin. It does seem to help but it only helped me for a little while. I had to see my nurse pract to help with some med changes. I hope everything works out well for you!! Please keep me posted!!

collinsc

i am really worried about you. i don't know how old you are but you are far too young to have chest pains. in many religions meditation is very important. rabbi nachman says you should meditate two hours a day. i don't do it but i have lately been thinking of God's mercy. that is so great that you have been walking....reducing responsibility now sounds like such a fantastic idea ....why wait until you might breakdown. it sounds as if for a long time you are headed in the direction of taking care of yourself but there is so much repair to be done besides contending with ongoing bipolar
fondly
bobby

The semester should be winding down so that will help alot.
Taking better care of yourself does need to be your #1 priority.
I am glad that you are rethinking your job responcibilities...you have been leader for too long...it is time to turn over the baton.
I hate to hear of you havineg chest pains, have you ever had a stress test you know walk on a tred mill and they have you hooked up to a monitor.
There is also this very easy test they can run it is called a calcium heart screen. mini cat scan of your heart in instantly see if you have any blockages of your coranary arteries. well worth the $100 that is not covered under insurance. took 5 minutes and no pain.
I hope you are sleeping.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

tired sleepy anxious depressed

I am sorry you are feeling unwell.
((((HUGS))))
bizi
wish I could help you.:hug:

Hugs, and warm fuzzies.


Donna:hug:

dear Mari
 

i get chest pains when i have high anxiety and i'm thinking this might be the case for you too - i don't know if you know if that is going on. always a good idea to have other things ruled out though, if there is any uncertainty.

hang in there. i think it is great about the meditation. it would do me some good for sure. but i am terrible with stuff like that. :rolleyes:

glad you are walking too. i found that when i used to run, well i had to focus very intently on breathing and rhythm - that would flood my mind and cleans out some of the free floating junk.

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,

I used to get chest pains.
They are back.
Once about 6 years ago I was hospitalized for 24 hours while they did blood draws.
When I was hospitalized for the stroke last summer I was monitored electronically for 4 days (wires taped to all over it seemed).
During that time they ran good tests.
Heart is fine thank goodness -- although internist did ask me to see a cardiologist for a stress test (she sent me to her husband who is a cardio). I did not get around to making the call for the appt. -- I'm putting it off until I am awake in the day time.

Meditation, prayers, relaxation techniques . . . . I need to be doing something a long those lines.
Maybe I'll start with 20 minutes of mostly breathing on yoga DVD. First I have to clear the off the floor.

The little city park shares a property line with my complex (It's prob a three minute walk from my door. I only started using it about two months ago. It is nice and quiet because it does not have a parking lot -- only people within walking distance can go there. ) Going around once is .36 miles (it's spray painted on the walkway.)

I remember that walking saved my life years ago.
Maybe I can listen to music too. It can be meditative.
Right now I have no patience for it. And I'm not even sure where my radio is.
I listen to youtube but that is not close enough.

I'm full of complaints.


M.

Complain!!
 

Mari,
Do what you need to do!! If that is complaining to us than that is what we will listen to!:hug: I do think you are coming up with some great ideas though with the walking and the yoga meditation. I too am concerned about you having chest pain. Please make that appt today with the cardiologist. At least if he says you are fine that is one less thing for you to be stressed out about. I am sorry you are going through this stuff in your life!!!!

collinsc

HI
 

Hello,
Thanks each of you for putting up with me.
When I am focused I am going to count the pills in my klonopin bottle and see how many days ago I prob started it.

I'm wondering if I have a weird batch.
My head feels kind of muddled.
I have a bottle waiting for me to pick up.
Maybe I could have pdoc call in and make sure the pharmacy gives me name brand instead of generic for this new bottle. Name brand will cost a fortune but I can give it a try.

But now I can't deal with all that.
Maybe I will see about it later tonight.

M.

I hope you are able to sleep today.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Mari i don't know if it would be useful but when i am in better shape like tomorrow i will look for the link... i found that many radio stations "broadcast" via internet - i picked up a my old orlando stations one day, i was like, cool! :D i mean here i am in europe listening to central florida radio LOL. unfortunately my laptop does not have great audio and i hate being chained to it with earphones to hear music so it does not help me much, but maybe it can be of use to you. There is a page from which you can do a search for stations in your area/any area you choose.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

Thanks for the radio clue! :Music 2:

M.

I told my team about the stroke last summer: feel relief about that
 

Hi,

At the beginning of our meeting, I read the agenda I made.
Then I said that I had a stroke last summer and that was the reason I have trouble getting my words out. I also admitted to / apologized for one project last fall that did not go so well because of the stroke.

Silence for 2 seconds.

Then they started talking about other stuff.
Thank goodness that is over.
Today when I slid through some words or stumbled a little or searched for the name of an actor in conversation I did not feel uncomfortable. I did not feel the need to cover up.

M.

HA! it was bookmarked!
 

http://www.radio-locator.com/cgi-bin...ate=FL&x=0&y=0

put in any city/state or zip that you want

Mari

I can feel the relieve in your voice. And I hope your team can now
help you get through this. I think they will be very good at it.

I believe they had a clue before, and just couldn't bring it up.

Donna

I am sure you do feel relieved.
good for you...that was brave of you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

A little better?
 

Mari
Well you let the cat out of the bag, how do you feel about that?:D Just like Donna said, I also think your team will be more willing to help you now. I also feel the stress of you thinking they were going to find out is now gone and that too will help you. This is just my opinion, I do not know your team or you, but this is what I would guess would be the outcome.:eek: Moving on. How are you sleeping? How are things going with the klonopins? Try to get better!! I wish you the very best!:hug:

collinsc

Good Job, Mari
 

I know you felt weird about telling people for a long time so i figure this was a tough choice to make. But i'm so glad you chose to tell them. What a load off your mind.

:hug:

~ waves ~

BRAVO...you are finally letting some armour down....why now? why not now? is this a new you? are you going to struggle less with your heavy burdens?
you offer so much....you don't have to overload the scale in others' favour.
bobby

There were 4 of us at the meeting. The other three were men
 

Hi,

One team member is pre-occupied with cancer treatments that have ben ongoing since July 09. Only one probably noticed goofy things in my speech -- saying one word when I mean another close word, not having word recall, . . . the third knows that I have been struggling in a general sense but this has been a difficult work year for all of us.

My leadership keeps us together on the same path.
I'm proud of that. We accomplished a hugely important task yesterday. My people were amazing. My news of the stroke was small compared to the other stuff we had to cover. And my news was old news and not something we had to discuss. I'm glad for that.


(I had told a woman colleague back in October or so about the stroke and she was supportive in a general way. We have not talked about that since. I did not invite her to this recent meeting. I wanted the meeting to be very focused.)

When I came home from work yesterday and saw the news of Beau Biden's stroke I felt bad for him, but I also thought about other people like me who are of similar age to him who have strokes that docs can't explain. Likely, my colleagues saw the same news and saw that strokes can happen.

I guess I was thinking somehow that the stroke was my fault and did not want to talk about it.
Also my horrible parents and I have had exactly ONE conversation about this (one convo with Dad and a different convo with Mom). With both convos I reassured them that I was going to be ok.
Even when they came to seem me in Sept then refused to talk about it.
-->> Sometimes I hate them.

I was ashamed.
Better better now with time . . . .also with Beau Biden in the news.


M.

Waves,
Thanks for the radio links. :)
I listened to one station.
I am going to find a few so I can skip back and forth between commercials.

M.

Mari

I don't know your parents. But I have a feeling its more because even
though you reassured them you are going to be okay. They still aren't
sure. And if they don't talk about it, it didn't happen.

I sometimes think thats how we all are. If we can push something
under the cover its not there.

I know that for a long time many people thought if they didn't talk
about Derrick's seizures. He didn't have any.
Especially my one sister. It was so bad, that her son who is my
son's age. Was the one that finally told her. He knew what to
do if Derrick had a seizure. So Derrick could go home with him.

My son has had seizures now for 12 years. My sister has finally
started accepting that he is going to continue having them.
Its taken almost 12 years. But she finally came around. But the
sad part is my son and my nephew would have gotten more years
together if she had come around a few years sooner.
See she had a hard time allowing my son to come over at all.

But thanks to my nephew she had to accept that he was coming.
Once he started driving, he just picked him up and took him over.

Donna

Dear Donna,

Thank you.

I sorry that you and Derrick had to put up with that.

M.

Mari

The point is it started to change how she saw my son.

It also seems to have changed how she sees some people who
have disablilities. She seems to have theses co-workers now
that need help. WHich I'm so glad she can finally get me to help.

Its something I enjoy and she knows that. I'm just glad she
has finally started to care.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Mari
 

i can see why it would be hard to share about the stroke with people... friends... colleagues when your family is scared of it and seemingly can't or doesn't want to deal.

it makes me sad that you felt like it was your fault. :( i understand how that can be though. how many times have i felt that depression was my fault... :o sigh.

i hope that nowadays you are able to hang on firmly to the knowledge that it is NOT IN ANY WAY your fault.

~ waves ~

Its a sad world when we start to think that the illnesses we have are our
faults. I am not sure what else I started to write. I can't believe
I started this about 30 minutes ago.

Donna

I don't even want to come here to post.
I'm very upset now that I figured out part of my issue.

I cry.

I really hate my parents.

M.

(((((( Mari ))))))

i am so sorry you are going through this. :(

~ waves ~

I am very sorry for you Mari, I hate you suffering....
Is your hubby there can you ask him to give you a hug?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

i am so glad you are posting and making progress....how painful it is but it progress and the suffering will lessen
bobby