Hi,


Recovering from my stroke would have been less painful if I were in my own space of love.
Instead I live in fear and anxiety.

How to change that?

M.

how much of the fear and anxiety is chemically induced from bipolar and how much is psychological? I always now ask that question and can't come up with an answer. How can you create your own space of love? Can you try for a few minutes at a time during the day and night where you can shut everything out? I wonder if you can do it through meditation and only try for a few minutes at a time. The past is past but there is so much present and future. I wonder if we can imagine burying the past.
bobby

I tried burying the past. It came back up again and hit me hard when I heard about Beau Biden being in the hospital with his stroke.

I think I need to take the past out, put it under the light, and put it on the stove and cook it for a good long while. I'm really angry right now.

When I first saw this current tdoc she said that as we get older we go around and up the mountain. We can look down at what we went through in the past. It is still there but we can see it from a different perspective. --- something like that.

M.

:hug: Mari :hug:

Post!
 

Mari,
Please don't stop posting! This is a great way to vent to other people who kinda know what you are going through. Every case is different but we all empathize with you! Vent to us and we will support you. I also am sorry that you are going through such a hard time!

collinsc:hug:

((((( Mari )))))
 

i actually think this is a major breakthrough. and they can be painful, but it will allow you to move through it and beyond it. i really don't believe we can go around things indefinitely. i do believe unresolved issues emerge in subtle ways. Also, if we are triggered - like with the news on Beau Biden - they can erupt quite unexpectedly like a volcano. i have had this happen. :hug:this could be useful. when it is cooked enough, it will be ok to put it away. in between, if it gets too much for you, you can take breaks - let it simmer covered for a bit and then check on it.

you have every right to be angry.

my former tdoc said this exact same thing... about the mountain and different perspectives. i was re-dealing with an issue that i thought i had dealt with. i was confused at having to deal with it all over again. she was trying to make the point that i had grown, and needed to deal with it from a different perspective. sometimes getting "older" is relative too. i think that one can grow emotionally in a very short time... sometimes it happens as a result of external influences.

i think you are hurting because you are no longer hiding from what happened. i think at the very beginning, you tried to deal with it, but it hurt too much. the fact that others were hiding from it corroborated feelings of guilt/shame and made it that much more painful.

i think the fact that you were able to tell your colleagues and that subsequently you did not feel awkward when you tripped up on some verbal things shows that you are becoming more self-accepting. that acceptance is enabling you to feel things that were inaccessible before... right now anger, which is understandable.

i wish there were something i can do to make things easier for you or help you through. if there is, please let me know.

you will get through this.

~ waves ~

i don't even know if i should write this but when you have had a painful and really non nurturing childhood and you are bipolar and then other sh#t hits the fan, I don't think there is a place to stand. I hate the image of the onion and the layers but i guess it is apt...everytime you think you made headway which you have you get more to deal with....have you ever just thrown up your arms and tried to think of something frivolous you can do and just not deal with the pain and suffering....i don't know if it can work...
but you need some relief
bobby

hubby
 

I am going to make an appointment with the tdoc and hubby.
He is not being helpful enough.
Actually, sometimes he is a jerk

This is where tdoc will help and has helped in the past: I'm thinking he has no idea that I am a minute away from giving up on keeping a job and trying to function. All I am asking from him is to stay out of my way and not add to the garbage.

M.

Mari

Honestly Sounds like a good idea.

Donna

yes do this!! it has helped before and should help again!
((((HUGS))))
love you,
bizi

Three years ago doc thought that I should bring in hubby. I resisted but changed my mind.

-He came and the session was helpful.
-Then a year later he and I had another session with her.
-Last year we did not go.
-Maybe we need to meet again with her -- but I have not seen her in months and am putting off dealing with her.


I have to get up early tomorrow.
I'm stressing.


M.

cooking fish
 

Tonight he woke up from a "nap" a little after midnight and wanted me to help him cook up four pounds of fish that he bought on Monday.

He was mean and nasty. It took him until about 3:00 am to calm down from some stressors at work.
Maybe I'm thinking he is the whole problem.
Maybe the other stuff that is bothering me is incidental.

M.

i am sending you a ton of hugs......also pam spray with olive oil might work...i think i would gag at the smell of fish during the regular day time...in the middle of the night i think i would start vomitting....the other day you posted problems he presented and then you erased the post....you are a saint.....even if you weren't bipolar and didn't have a stroke and didn't have those parents you would be giving Job a run for his money.....no I don't mean to make light of it but somebody is in need of serious help but I am afraid he might be too well defended to see what he is doing to you. I used to think a bigger apartment would be the answer but now i think maybe he needs a behavioral therapist...and I don't like behavioral therapists....
more hugs
bobby

overslept
 

Hi,
I had the alarm set and I missed the alarm somehow!!


Last night / this morning hubby agreed to go see the tdoc with me.
I'm thinking that she will find it more useful if I see her first by myself and then see her with the two of us in a second visit.
I guess I need to call her.



Bobby,
Thanks for reading that post the other day. I don't know why I removed it.

M.

please be careful, I am sorry the alarm clock gods were not with you this morning.... you did not need the added stress.
4 pounds of fish is alot of fish!!!!:eek:
Being married takes alot of effort.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
I hope you can see your tdoc soon and then can work with her and your hubby .
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I think being married is the biggest stressor I've ever known.

I am not sure I'll ever want to know a bigger stressor.

Donna

Hi,

I've got no idea what is going on.


I do have a regularly scheduled appt. with pdoc tomorrow / Thursday.
I might try being honest with him about anxiety, depression, and sleep issues. Might.

M.

Honesty!
 

Mari,
If you read this before your appt I just wanted you to know I think you should be honest with your doc! That is just my opinion and you will do what works for you!

collinsc:hug:

i so agree about the honesty....
bobby

Trust is a risk, you may be afraid of medication changes....It is ok that you are not well. That is what happens to us we have up and down periods this i a down period and hopefully you can express yourself.
Maybe the pdoc can help you.
((((HUGS)))
bizi

new meds
 

Hi,

I told pdoc
-anxiety
-agitation
-depression
-not sleeping.

He ask me for details. I said anxiety is anxiety. I said that agitation is having to sit in your waiting room and hold it together without making a scene or walking out. I told him that I was going to give him about 3 more seconds and then I was leaving. He said that he saw me and that is why he came to get me to come into his office.
I told him that I had slept less than 10 hours in the past 48 hours and that is part of a pattern.

He asked lots of questions related to hypo-mania. I said no no no.

Then I explained again that I have a psychological problem about going to bed. He wondered how a med could help a psychological problem. I said I am in bad shape and might take the med. I was obviously in bad shape -- jumpy as all get out.

We discussed the Lunesta he gave me two months ago and why I only took two pills --- still hung over 24 hours after taking the pill.

He said that Lexapro will help with anxiety. He gave me a month's worth of samples. I asked about Buspar for anxiety and he told me how Buspar works. He said we could go with Buspar. He thinks Lexapro is what I need now. I said fine. Then I jumped up to leave. It was a short session. I said thank you. Bye.
I asked his receptionist to write out the check for the co-pay. I told her I am too sleep deprived to do it. She took care of me.

He gave me regular release Ambien (which I had tried twice about 5 years ago.)

He wants to see me in 30 days.

I'm jacked up / jumpy right now -- not sure if it matters if I take Lexapro now or if I wait until Friday am. Maybe it is agitating initially. At any rate, I prefer to take a new med in the am.

Old meds
Klonopin 2.5 mg
Verapamil 240 mg
aspirin 325 mg

Meds he added today:
Lexapro 10 mg
Ambien -- I dropped it off. Did not notice dosage on 'script. Will pick up later at CVS after I go to sleep and wake up.

This Lexapro is new and might be a problem with my insurance company. For 30 days at least I have samples.

M.

Lexapro itself has been out for a while. My middle son was prescribed it
a few years ago. I believe about 6 years ago now. So I hope it helps you as well as it did him.

It was a lifesaver for him. He was having lots of issues with not only depressive type things. But honestly one of the things that really worried him and the rest of us was the fact that he was very agiatated and uncertain of what was going on with his brain. He just didn't have a clue why he felt like he did.

And the really weird thing was we were on vacation with my whole family and they all got to see a episode. It was so severe that everyone got concerned.
My two nephews that he is closest two went outside, were he had gone to, to try and talk to him. And see if they could get him back out of were he was. They honestly just got him back to a part of himself till we all got home.

And I made him a doctor's appointment, and he put him on lexapro.
And he got better soon. In his case it was immediately or seemed that way.
It was later I believe we found out that he was having seizures.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Donna,

Thanks. This is helpful. :)

I'm glad that Lexapro is helping your son.

M.

Mari
I'm glad it was. I was not sure if I should tell the story.

I do have to say, Its hard to explain, but listening to you tell
the things you have trouble with. I see a lot of what he had then.

And he was one that at that particular time was having trouble
sleeping at night. But I know it was different. So that part is
no help.

Donna

Good for you!
 

Mari,
I am glad you went through with it and went to the docs, and actually saw him! I wish you all the best with your new med! I also hope you take the ambien so you can get some rest. Maybe with a bit more sleep you might not be so jumpy. Just a thought!

collinsc:hug:

the regular ambien is a shorter acting medication and should not leave you drugged...I am very hopeful for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

ambien
 

Mari,
I take ambien to try and get me to sleep longer and it at least gives me 4 hrs or so, but when I wake up I do not feel all hung over and stuff!

collinsc:hug:

Dear Beth and Collinsc,

Do you get headaches?
The last time I tried ambien I had headaches.
I only took it two nights so maybe the headaches go away.
M.

I never got headaches taking this medication but I took the extended release one.
bizi

headaches
 

i would get OCCASIONAL headaches with Ambien (regular release), as well as with either of the two benzo hypnotics i had. mostly if i took something and then had to get up after insufficient sleep.

i would suggest using it on the weekends at first. and ensure you are going to be undisturbed until you are ready to get up, at least until you have a better idea of how you get along with the med, and know how much sleep you need with it. the package insert says get 8 hours - i did not always get that, but get as much as you can.

i should add though, that i can get sleep deprivation headaches without taking any drug. i don't wake up with the headache in that case - it tends to hit later.

~ waves ~

I hope you are brave and try it this weekend.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I'm scared
 

I'm freaked out.

I took the Lexapro today.
I didn't pick up the Ambien. It doesn't matter if I take it or not anyway, I can over ride it. I did in the past.


I'm not up to taking my regular Klonopin.

I'm not ok.

M.

I am sorry you are freaked out.
please pick up the ambien and try it tomorrow....
or have your hubby pick it up for you.
I am glad that you took the lexapro...good for you.
bizi

Lunesta
 

I'm better.
I took my night meds.

I did not pick up the Ambien so I took one of the old Lunesta.
When I tried the Lunesta in March, I stayed hung over for 24 hours.

Maybe hungover is good right now.
M.

i hope you get some sleep ...you need it!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

how are you
 

hi how are you today Mari?

were you able to get some sleep?

~ waves ~

i don't have much confidence in ambience or at least the generic ambience. my friend takes so much of it and she says most of the time it doesn't work.
bobby

bobby my pdoc told me that taking more than 3 or 4 ambien (30-40mg) is useless because the brain discards it. if your uses that much or more without effect, she is probably tolerant and then, it just won't work.

I just left a message on my friend's answering machine about what you wrote about ambien. thanks a lot. i am sure she wasn't aware of it.
Love
bobby

lunesta 3 mgs
 

Hi,
I took the Lunesta and my night meds at 12:00 midnight or so.
It did help with some anxiety issues but the Klonopin I took at the same time might have done the same.

I have not gone to bed yet.
I was able to over ride the rather strong effects of the Lunesta.
So that sleep med is not really much of a sleep med.
I don't expect ambien to be any different.


I can stay up with out having to take the lunesta :confused:
Taking meds to sleep is a waste of my time.
I could be obsessing about something else other than meds.



I'll see you later. I'm going to bed.
M.