actually i think coffee does make me more anxious or at least now that i just got back on caffeine but it really helps me to focus better or at least feel sharper...i like that feeling...i hate feeling dull.
i seem to be crying more re Luc since Alice wrote those supportive and comforting things. I guess they are pain tears...letting the pain be released.
that way i will heal. I fantasize running into him in the city. or becoming a stalker and looking for him in dog play places...of course i won't...i guess it is part of a process. I can't describe how wonderful it feels to have gotten those responses from Alice. I thought she was still angry at me.i am almost finished with another escapist book. i don't want to go out today.
i should have run an errand but i didn't want to leave the safety of my apartment. sh#t
love
bobby

Dear Bobby,

i hate feeling dull also. i am having caffeine again too. a lot with migraines because i use it to treat migraine. less now, but i do have a full cup a day, sometimes two. maybe if you have less than you did before, you will have less anxiety but still be focused? you can try...

i like your fantasies about Luc. i agree that it is a part of the process.

i hid at home also today. i was supposed to go to the doctor but i couldn't deal with it. i need to go negotiate with him over tests. it seemed mentally exhausting.

love

~ waves ~

i apologize for not contributing...i have been reading most of the posts but don't have the energy to make comments. i have been feeling isolated and depressed. then my computer also broke and i have no sound so i can't listen to music which can sometimes soothes me. i don't know why i feel so alienated. a very close friend called me yesterday whom i love and i couldn't wait to get off the phone. i have been crying off and on. last night i was having nightmares.
bobby

Dear Bobby

no need to apologize.

thank you for checking in.

i am sorry you are having such a terrible time.

sending you hugs and good thoughts.

love

~ waves ~

i think there is a need to apologize. I have been reading all your posts and have been silent. I haven't even been able to rout for your chicken to come out delicious which I bet it did even though you criticised it. We all have so many problems and I feel like sh#t since I seem to be the only one who is shutting down.I did get good news this afternoon though. My diabetes test went well and the numbers dropped and my vitamin d test shows I am no longer deficient. things could be so much worse in my life. i can't even seem to manage when they are not. I can't blame it on Luc although now i have to deal with feelings of selfishness. I usually have never had to deal with those feelings because my principles always guided me and didn't lend for conflict.
Now I am so ambivalent and part of the time wish I had been selfish so i could have kept Luc
Love
bobby

well thanks all the same bobby. no need but thanks, regardless. thanks for the support on the chicken too. it was overcooked - and was accordingly a bit tough. i saw that it was cooked and let it go another 20 mins. i thought the sauce would keep it from getting tough but i was wrong. these things happen in experiments. the flavor was still good though. of course i didn't make the sauce - it came in a bottle.

that is great news about your tests. you know good news doesn't automatically improve our mood. i hope you aren't feeling guilty about not feeling better because you got good news.

the feelings of ambivalence about being selfish sometimes are pretty natural. perhaps, in part, you are angry with yourself for taking Luc away from yourself. you did the right thing, but you are still allowed to feel in different ways about it. it would be selfish if you hadn't done what you did. the feelings are not selfish. they are just one facet of the whole thing.

oh by the way about shutting down. it's ok. we all react in different ways. the past few days strangely i have been sort of clinging to the forum. it's my only outlet right now. we have different needs and i am needing an outlet.

love

~ waves ~

i am so glad the forum is an outlet for you....at least you can feel some relief...you definitely are entitled to it.
i am feeling guilty about not feeling appreciative for the good things that have been happening to me such as the diabetes and vitamin d thingies..also robert came over this afternoon and fixed the sound on my computer...it was a software problem and he ferreted it out....wow
I got confused with your writing''the feelings are not selfish. they are just one facet of the whole thing." i DIDN'T understand that....I guess i should feel lucky that selfish feelings have not been prevalent in my life...depression yet but not selfishness....or at least not that i am aware of...I haven't experienced conflict over that...it must be h$ll to be plagued with those and wanting to be a "good person"....I guess the same with jealousy....I never really wanted to trade places with anybody.....bits and pieces maybe but never the whole bag....do you know what I mean.....?
Love
Bobby facing selfish feelings and not liking one iota and thensome

'

i guess i'm saying feeling selfish is one thing but acting selfish is another. i was thinking in terms of this: how would you have felt, if someone had come along and taken Luc away from you, saying you were not going to be able to take good enough care of him? wouldn't you resent that person? i mean even if you saw the reasons behind it? see, in this case you were that person. you were both the responsible person and sort of a victim. the child wanting to play with the toy, and the grown up taking the toy away. the child is not bad because it wants the toy. but as you are in the two roles you are going to have both sets of feelings. maybe you were parented out of experiencing selfish feelings if they were in conflict because you were the appointed caregiver.

i figured out at a young age that a lot of times i had different feelings about things and sometimes the feelings seemed to contradict each other. it was weird. it IS weird. but it's human.

love

~ waves ~

that was so insightful because at a very young age I was the appointed caretaker and was taught that i didn't have needs except to take care of others.....I guess in a way i was spared a lot of grief lol....i would have felt resentful if somebody besides myself told me I couldn't give Luc enough care..I don't know how I would have acted...actually maybe it would have been easier and i would have been less tormented...
you are so wonderful
love
bobby

Dear Bobby

i agree it would have been "easier" as in simpler if someone else had taken Luc away, because you would not have been wearing two hats.

you could have been angry/resentful at them, happy for Luc, and sad for you. no conflict between these feelings because each is directed at a different target.

this way, i think you still resent the person that took Luc away - just that that person happens to be you. you experience it in the form of selfish feelings... thinking why couldn't i have been selfish and kept him. at the same time you are pleased because you know that you did the right thing. and sad for yourself. and even if you are happy for Luc, all the other feelings have a common target: you. so they don't reconcile.

this is my interpretation anyway.

ambivalence can be very uncomfortable. what helps me is remembering feelings aren't logic. they don't have to add up and often they don't. it isn't wrong to have feelings that don't neatly "match" up to one another.

you are wonderful too.

love

~ waves ~