tired
 

i am tired of saying hopeful things to myself.

things like "maybe the zoloft will help me help myself."

it sounds logical. it makes sense. but my gut says "yeah sure whatever. there's always something. if it's not depression it will be something else. and then it will be depression again."

i know depression has a way of talking back like this to anything hopeful. so i talk anyway.

but i'm so sick of talking to it.

i've talked myself black and blue off and on but mostly on, for the past frickin 7 years trying to keep on keepin on keep hopeful do what you can take one step at a time fall down seven times get up eight never say die take a minute at a time break down the problem don't look too far ahead don't take things too personally you never know what can happen look on the bright side look at what you have not what you don't bla bla bla bla bla.

the zoloft - i can take it, or leave it in the drawer where it will eventually expire. it won't make me any worse, so might as well take it. but honestly i don't feel hopeful. i don't even really think hopeful. :o i'm a loada horse manure. i talk hopeful trying to push back on it... but its not working. and i'm tired.

~ waves ~

You do sound tired but you are a fighter...I know you.
You will get thru this...just like you have done before....
and quit being so hard on yourself....
we love you and need you here....
I am sorry that you are so depressed...wish the med would hurry up and do its job!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Waves, :heartthrob: :hug: :heartthrob: :hug: :heartthrob: :hug: :heartthrob:

I hear you. You're not happy or not even at least not unhappy . . . . and you don't see anyway that you can be not unhappy again.
You did a good thing for yourself by deciding to take the Zoloft. Part of you four days ago decided that this was the plan for the next three-four weeks when the pdoc gets back from vacation. For now, depressed or not, wait for your target dosage of Zoloft and the few weeks it will take to have a therapeutic effect.
I mean you are waiting anyway. You chose to take care of yourself by doing this.
As for everything else, get through each day as best you can. You are already doing that. Keep doing each day.


Good job. Take it.

Yes, I know you are tired of being hopeful.
We are hopeful for you. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:


M.

oh waves
i know what it is to be tired ....so far the only thing i have gotten from my therapist is to know that there is hope. I sometimes focus on that when all else fails besides the expression this too shall pass when it d@#n well pleases. also remember heat is oppressive and it hot all over the world. i think the kremlin just broke a record of being 100 degrees.
we feel compassion for you because we are there too or have been there and will be there again. the nature of the beast. i don't think we can get used to it. but whatever you do try not to beat yourself up. i am so glad you are trying zoloft. i am praying it will kick in soon and help. maybe you have been trying too hard. maybe it is good you are finally letting your hair down and venting. keep on venting. don't try to entertain us. just vent.remember don't try to entertain us because that takes energy and you need to keep what energy you have in reserve to vent!
love
bobby

thank you bizi... i am tired of having to get through these. i feel trapped in this life that is a non-life. i am sorry to say these awful things. i don't want to keep doing it over and over again. i don't have any choice... i can't even entertain escapist fantasies any more...

~ waves ~

yes. i am waiting it is true. waiting for the worms to come (pink floyd, the wall ;))

pdoc. ha. if he ever asked me questions maybe i would have realized before i was not in good shape situation or not. or maybe not. i usually have a reactive veneer when i'm with him. maybe because i don't get to have half-way intelligent non-argumentative conversations with much of anyone else so when i am there i am more positive. then i walk out and it's like. oh no. here it all is again.

thanks.

~ waves ~

yeah... i like your addition to this too shall pass... that's about the size of it.

omg 100 degrees at the kremlin??? wowweeee. thank goodness it rained so it cooled down some here. normally i do ok with heat but i was finding it oppressive, yes. even if i am not so much physically tired. i am just fed up of not being not unhappy as Mari put it - that is exactly it.

i don't purposely try to entertain. but i guess i can purposely try not to entertain maybe that will work.

the poems/verse were not specifically to entertain. the Margaritaville parody was a whim combined with a lets-see-if-i'm-still-capable-of-writing-verse ANY verse, ANY which way. i thought you guys might appreciate the content is all. the poem i posted here (non) is a good expression of how i feel.

love

~ waves ~

headaches / zoloft
 

well. it's day 5 and i was thinking i could go up to 50 after just 6 days, so i wouldn't have a half pill left over. (i do not have 25's, i am splitting 50's).

BUT.

yesterday i had a single "flash headache" (my term). moderately-painful twinge lasting maybe 3 seconds.

today, i started having more of these flash headaches... but very mild. evolving into a mild constant headache that continues to have quick stabs of stronger pain - still not strong enough to be bothersome, but this is also how it started last time, when my starting dose was 50mg. that time they started sooner (3rd day).

so now i can't decide whether i should go up to 50 mg after 6 days, or stay at 25 mg for say, 8 or 10 days.

i am thinking i should wait to be clear of the headaches, on the one hand.

on the other hand, i don't want to prolong getting up to a therapeutic dose. having started at a lower dose, the headaches might not get as bad as last time, and in any event they will go away. last time they remitted within the 2nd week.

sigh. :( the first few times i took Zoloft i did not have this problem. granted the first time i started at 12.5 mg because my then-pdoc then was very cautious and it was a new med. but in 2003 i started at 50 mg and did not have any headaches from it. grrrr. :mad: age.

~ waves ~

Oh no ! Aw... that sucks dear waves... :hug:

Hum... I would reach my Zoloft dosage and survive the headaches for a couple of days to see if they go away... then, if they dont, I would stop Zoloft... and... try a new thing :( :o

That's just me ! and Im not precisly good when taking meds :(

Take care darling !!!

When are you seeing your pdoc ??

Thanks Blue.

pretty sure the headaches will stop. last time they were bad, but stopped within the second week. but that time i started at 50. this time i started at 25 hoping to avoid that. but maybe i can't avoid it completely.

as it is, they didn't last all day today. i think IF the headaches are worse again tomorrow than today, i will hold off on increasing the dose... until they improve but not necessarily until they stop.

if they are the same or better, then on sunday i will go up to 50mg (target is 100mg)

i can't remember when i see pdoc - mid august. he is on vacation right now.

~ waves ~

this sounds like a good plan my friend!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Zoloft - day 6
 

well.

i got a headache today, but the good(?) news is i don't think it's due to the zoloft at all.

it seems like a tension headache - specifically the kind i get due to problems i have with my neck and shoulders. it did not start with the little flash headaches, doesn't vary much in intensity. i did not have any of those flash headaches today or not so far.

so. i am giving myself the green light to go up to 50 mg tomorrow.

~ waves ~

Waves

You know your body better than anyone else. And i thank you for
the information.

Donna

I hope the headaches (whatever the cause) will go away soon :hug:

And Im praying the 50 mg will help you !!!! :hug:

Thank you Blue and Donna :hug::hug:.

Yes 50mg could possibly be therapeutic. i may need 75mg or even 100 mg. we'll see.

for now, i will be satisfied if i simply do not experience agitation with it.

the headache turned into a mess. it seems to be hybrid migraine-tension if that's possible. i finally threw major drugs at it to no avail. earlier took a muscle relaxer, and magnesium. neither did squat. then tried 75mg indomethacin plus 2.5mg lorazepam... those made a dent in things but, only a dent. also feel sleepy coz i'm not used to lorazepam any more... i just took a probiotic so i need to wait 20 mins to eat and take my zoloft. then i can sleep and HOPEfully wake up MINUS headache!

~ waves ~

Waves. :hug: :hug: :hug:
I'm happy that you are writing this out and laying out what is happening for us.

Good luck with the next step up in dosage.
I hope the headaches let go.
M.

well I hope you slept well...when ever you are sleeping that is....and head ache free!
Wouldn"t that be great!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Zoloft day 7 - upping to 50mg
 

the headache was probably a migraine or combination headache, not just tension. i still have the tension in my neck and shoulders with no headache.

i took 50mg at 6 am. had a little nausea in the afternoon but the headache not worsen, and resolved after a nap. so far no others.

and so far no agitation. faaaaaaaaar from any agitation. :o

~ waves ~

Waves

You are doing a good job telling us what you are doing.

I personally wish I were that good at doing the same with my meds.

So I really try at times, to follow your lead.

I have misplaced my magnesium and multi-vitamin. So those I have
to find.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Donna,

i usually keep a log. but i got off the wagon with that. so since it's important to track esp when you start a med, i am using this thread to track.

it's silly... the log is one line to fill in, every night. and there's already columns for everything, it's not like i have to write sentences. just put in numbers or times or a word or two. 2 if you count the sleep map which is just a row to be x'd in where i slept.

but i haven't been able to get myself back into the swing of it. i have to copy the old one and blank it out and set up dates for august that's partly the hold up... sigh. that was the hold up in july too... gone now!

i hope you find your magnesium and vits. i just started taking magnesium citrate last night. on top of my usual supplement because that has other stuff in it which i need (esp B vits). now i have to go to the doc to get him to script me some vit D. sigh.

~ waves ~

Waves

I really think you just need to tell it to others. To make it real.

I personally don't see any reason. You can't just paste it on your
chart.

I am not doing a good job of writing down Derrick's seizures.
And I will be brought on the carpet on Wednesday if I don't
get them written down.

So I have to calendar them soon.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Waves,
You are keeping your patience.
I'm reading to see how you do without headaches or migraines.
I hope that you do well.

Mari, with you.

Dear Donna,

thank you. i think i do need to talk about it to someone. my pdoc isn't here and i haven't told my parents because i don't want them hovering over me and grilling me about this or that... :o you guys are supportive without being hovery or grilly. :)

but i am being explicit about dosages etc because it isn't being written anywhere else.

i can't cut/paste from here because the chart is highly structured. only a few columns are in note form and those are done telegraphically (lists of abbreviated stuff). but a lot is numeric. there are graphics and tables that get generated automatically based on some of the numbers.

~ waves ~

Thanks Mari. :hug: that was really sweet.

that's one thing about this amorphous sort of depression. impatience requires energy and a mental investment i don't have to put out i guess. as you said before i'm waiting anyway. might as well take an itty bitty pill once a day while i'm waiting and see what falls out...

well i just woke up. today i have a bit of sinus congestion which is hopefully only to do with my having suspended my steroid spray. i hope it is not a migraine coming on. i had to suspend the spray because i am suspicious of hypersensitivity causing a lot of drip and making me cough. i get that with allergies anyway, and have to take pills, i don't need to add to it with the stupid spray and have to take pills even more often - the same pills that i was trying to avoid taking all the time by using the spray. dog chasing tail.

ah. i think murder she wrote is on. Jessica Fletcher, here i come. tv is a good depressed adult-sitter.

~ waves ~

Waves
I'm glad things are going well when they are.

Donna

hugs to you my friend.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

50 mg day 3
 

Thanks Bizi and Donna. :) :hug:

well i shot myself in the foot suspending the steroid spray. i got 10 x worse without it. i've been having sinus pain since yesterday (it's tuesday here). i am waiting for 8.30 to call the doctor for an appointment tonight. maybe he will send me to an ENT. and i have to talk to him about the cough too - unrelated. i am not looking forward to this conversation. too many things and need scripts too. he gets irritable when there's too many things. sigh. i have been putting it off and now it's one more thing.

i just hope he lets me have my chlorpheniramine. sht. maybe i should get the scripts first, and see him on a different day. but if i do that i'm afraid i'll put it off indefinitely.

well thank goodness i haven't had any more "Zoloft headaches" with this going on.

~ waves ~

Waves

Keep us updated.

Donna

Dear Waves,
Day Three already!! That's great! :)

Did you call the doc and get an appt for tonight?

Let us know about whether or not he sends you to an ENT.

I looked up chlorpheniramine. Wikipedia says it could have SSRI properties. Interesting.


'Sorry about the ENT symptoms.
'Happy that you are headache free.

Thanks for the updates.

M.

Dear Mari

the doc had a recording saying he wasn't taking appointments during this period (i.e. walk-in only). probably means the other doc in town is on vacation and he's covering. likely the office will be jam packed. :(

i am seriously thinking of just getting some scripts for now. if there are a lot of people, i might just call them in tomorrow morning so i can pick them up without waiting, and see him another time. the sinus stuff seems to be getting under control again. i have been throwing everything in the medicine cabinet at it, and doing saline rinses.

-----------

SSRI properties were originally discovered in brompheniramine - another 1st generation antihistamine - it is structurally identical to chlorpheniramine but with a bromine atom instead of chlorine. several in that class of antihistamines were tested and chlorpheniramine had the strongest SSRI properties apparently.

i found out about brompheniramine some time ago but only recently that chlorpheniramine was even more active. i took antihistamines in this class verrrry frequently ever since about age 5. i asked my pdoc if he thought my serotonin "circuitry" could be underdeveloped due to the use of these drugs in childhood. he said it was theoretically possible but no way to know, no research on that stuff.

chlorpheniramine is, to this day, the most effective antihistamine for me. everyone is touting the second generation ones but i've tried two so far and they just didn't work as well for me. here chlorpheniramine is prescription only.

~ waves ~

doctor's visit
 

well. i got my scripts including the chlorpheniramine. and scripts for a CT scan (sinuses) as well as a chest xray and spirometry. then i have to see an ENT and a pulmonologist. there were people but it wasn't packed so i stayed. i am glad it is over with. i was very tense - expected to have to argue with him. didn't have to, but he was uptight about my previous tests. wanted to know which specialist requested them. (none! the request originated from ME. :o)

he gave me the vit D. but told me to take 5000 IU per WEEK (that's less than 1000 a day) until Christmas and then he'd test me again - not before. so now i don't know what to do. i guess i will find out if the lab will do private testing and how much it costs.

i do have a headache. i have had a stupid sinus headache for two days now. and it being under control must have been an illusion induced by 600mg of ibuprofen. :( coz it's back. i took indomethacin now, which i hope works coz it's a LOT cheaper... sigh.

~ waves ~

you poor sick girlie.
(((((HUGS))))
glad that your visit was productive...
I am hoping that you feel better sooner than later.
just a thought though if the antihistamine acts like an ssri, than what about the zoloft? will you continue?
just worrying about you
'bizi

Waves

Sending you hugs for a getting rid of the headache. And hoping that
the test do some good.

donna:grouphug:

Thanks Bizi and Donna :hug:

yes i hope the tests turn up something they can fix/treat. i used to smoke so i'm a little spooked about the cough. well i've always had the cough but recently have pain and shortness of breath with it which i did not before. but i if it was something like emphysema or worse (:eek:) the symptoms would not likely be so allergy-and-irritant dependent, and that the antihistamine would not help...

as to SSRI action of the chlorpheniramine, i doubt it is significant in the dosages used as an antihistamine, or there would be a documented warnings for serotonin syndrome! (which also makes me think geez unlikely childhood exposure would alter brain development either. :o) the only documented interaction is that the Zoloft can raise the serum levels of the antihistamine. and that's just fine with me!

anyway i have used chlorpheniramine for ages. took it before starting the Zoloft. in the past have taken them concurrently. in fact i used to take it back with my first psychiatrist when i took Zoloft and then Celexa and he was fine with it. my current pdoc also knew i took it when i was on Zoloft before. he has even written the scripts for it in the past.

so nothing to worry about there. ;)

~ waves ~

i need to make appointments for those tests. they are sitting there.

i need to follow up on some things on the job front. basically i got a call yesterday and have to give an answer in 3 weeks when the person returns from vacation. i had been wanting to go a different direction. so need to figure out if my different direction is viable, within the 3 weeks. to know if it's reasonable to turn this down. otherwise i should take it. here someone gives me an opportunity and, am i grateful? no! of course i have a reason to be unhappy and uptight about it! :rolleyes:

so first thing i need to work on that letter. i am usually good at writing but i feel so empty i can't see how not to sound like a loser. i could write a great, well-structured, "hello, i am a loser" type letter! yeah, that would get me far...

last night or whatever... going to sleep, i noticed that my foot was doing a jig. that is not usual for me. i thought that must be slight activation from the Zoloft. i had been noticing more energy but today i don't feel all energetic. maybe it was just nervous energy about going to the doctor because i was uptight about it and it came to a peak yesterday when i went.

i need to drag myself through some motions here. monk is on at 3. they are the old episodes with sharona. i wonder if i can do something before then, kind of like a reward. maybe the appointments. my mom offered to make them. i said i should do it. i partly wish i had let her. but i do so little it's important that i keep doing something even if i don't want to do anything.

~ waves ~

yes just keep putting your foot infront of the other, keep at it.
you will come out of this darkness.
stay focused.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

hi Bizi. :hug: :) thank you.

i got the appointments made before monk. i made them through the same diagnostic center so it was just one call. the person on the phone was patient and helpful. that made it easier. i asked her name at the end and thanked her for being so helpful.

i also tried to work on the letter but things kept coming out wrong. kept typing and deleting. i left it sounding wrong/off, just to have a placeholder of what i want to say, even though how i am saying it so far is no good.

i felt very sleepy this afternoon in spite of having had coffee. i am having more coffee. so much for activation.

~ waves ~

Just listen to your body sweetie...

Feel tired ? Go to sleep.

Dont feel inspired, dont write your letter... wait a bit...

Feel energy ? Write letters, make appointments...

I liked what Bizi said... You will go out of this darkness !!! :hug:

Keeping you in my prayers so you can start feeling better soon you sweet girl !

Dear Blue

thank you for the prayers. :hug:

if i listen to my body i am afraid i will stop doing anything and everything... sigh. i am a wreck. and i got wrecked by doing so little so i have to do more i know it doesn't make sense. :o it is also harder to do more right now...

i guess it's just matter of balance... haha if i knew how to be balanced i wouldn't have a problem would i...

there's balanced, and then there's bipolar.

and my life hangs in the balance, ha.

i think the only time i'll ever be balanced is when i'm dead.

morbid thoughts. i haz them.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
I'm glad that your mdoc mostly took care of you.

Feel better.
M.