SSSSsssshhhhhhhhhhhhh ! :mad:

No MORBID THOUGHTS ALLOWED !! :)

Yeah, I always say that, they day I find "balance", I will be able to "fly"... :rolleyes:

Just dont force or push things, that's what I wanted to say basically :o :rolleyes:

Love ya ! :grouphug:

oh waves....
(((((HUGS))))))
I think you are more balanced than you realise.
bizi

Dear Blue

hehe. you made me chuckle with this. :D thank you. :hug:

i will try not to push it. or rather, i will try to push it only gently. i.e not overdo the pushing. ;)

~ waves ~

if i were balanced enough, i'd still have a job.

i've burned four jobs total.
and i've burned EVERY SINGLE job in the past 7 years, plus one class.

that is not subjective. it is not my opinion. it is fact.

i am not balanced enough.

Waves
Your too hard on yourself.

Sometimes it takes time to get answers. I should know it took way
to long for me to get answers for my gallbladder. It wont take as
long a time for you to get your answers.

Donna

Zoloft dose tracking + breathing symptoms
 

need to track my dosages...

seeing as i don't know if the breathing stuff could possibly be Zoloft related i am adding it here too so i have the 2 things together. i'll forget otherwise.

Wed 4 Aug - 50mg (day 4)
... evening + night, breathing/chest problems (other thread)

Thur 5 Aug - 50mg (day 5)
... afternoon, breathing/chest problems

Fri 6 Aug - skip (0mg)
... out of breath on effort, sl. tightness but improved

Sat 7 Aug - 25mg
... out of breath on effort but better than Fri
... sx coincided with caffeine peak but also with activity, so hard to tell what's what.

Sun 8 Aug - 50mg (day 1)
... tbd

~ waves ~

on waking noticed teeth clenched (~ 6 hours after dose)

before sleep foot doing a jig again (~ 1 hour after dose - ie long before peak)

slept well but not a lot.

trying not to have caffeine today... if i cna remain conscious...

i slept Sunday night. from about 11.30pm to 6am. this is remarkable because i have been sleeping in the daytime (6/8am - 12/2pm)

i woke up 3 times but went back to sleep again quickly all three times.

--------

Monday 9 August - 50mg. 8am instead of 6am. i was not hungry till then.

so far so good. had another nap from about 8.30 to 10.30. i was tired and there was no reason not to sleep. i'm still tired but i'm going to stay up now. maybe i will be able to sleep again tonight.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
That is nice sleep, . . . amazing that you slept during the night.
I hope that your day goes well.
M.

i also think it is great that you slept.....take care
love
bobby

thanks Mari & Bobby :) :heartthrob:

yes i was amazed at sleeping in the night. i have a chat appointment tonight so i may not get to sleep very early...erhhmmm... :rolleyes:

i am noticing more energy. i noticed this before - other than those days when i was not breathing right - i was pretty sapped then. but i had been noticing it before then... and am again now. it is not excessive energy by any means. it is activation but well within the range of a healthy and sane. instead of the deadbeat i always am.

and i seem to be naturally jovial, etc. talking to me, you wouldn't think i'm depressed. if i take a "slice" of my behavior i go, geez, you're not depressed! what are you doing on Zoloft...

but i actually know. i mean, the joking stuff is... shallow? i don't know how to explain. i seem to have this... existential depression... i tried playing/singing today, and i had to stop. i felt dead inside. i feel that way a lot. and that is one of the reasons i decided to start the Zoloft.

~ waves ~

i am so sorry that you feel dead inside....that is a pretty great description of bipolar depression....and why we lack motivation....at least i think so...how to connect to the outside when you feel dead inside...pretty heruculean task.
then do you notice that suddenly it disappears for no rhyme or reason...it just isn't there anymore until it comes back...
love you
bobby

well. it was a good day, everything considered. it was uneventful - uneventful is good - it isn't stressful. my friend stood me up in chat oh well, it happens. we'll catch up later in the week i suppose. also i got an email from my good friend today asking if she can call... something to look forward to. she is the closest i have to a sister. i miss her so much. i have had a letter accumulating to her over months... perpetually waiting to be mailed... i am a dreadful correspondent.

i don't know if i ever posted that i did get the application letter somewhat done... several days ago... dunno if i'm satisfied with it ... will tinker some more. i was meaning to take it in in person, but perhaps i will email it in, and then go to the place in person a few days later.

tomorrow i told my mom i would go to the mall with her. it's not so much that i want to, but i thought i'd get myself out of the house. they have a free shuttle that services my area on tuesdays. it is air conditioned and the mall is air conditioned. at least i will have some cool air. :cool:

i am going to try to sleep now. i am not particularly tired but i might be able to sleep. maybe i will make some coffee first. (:eek: decaf! ;))

~ waves ~

indeed. connecting to the outside doesn't happen a whole lot. it's almost as though there is an emotional veil there.

and yes it does go in waves. especially the depth goes in waves. with me it seldom disappears completely but it does shift into the background sometimes, and simply attenuates at other times. then it comes over me again like a big black clumpy cloud. and sometimes just lands on me like a ton of bricks. i don't know how many times i've woken up and thought, "here goes. why do i have to be alive all over again."

i have been in a brighter mood the past few days. but it seems to hold only as long as i stay in a sort of cocoon. when i reach out and start doing things that are somehow an investment, it falls apart... like today. maybe the Zoloft will help it not fall apart as quickly or as much.

love you too :hug:

~ waves ~

Did you get to the mall today with your mom?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Hope if you got to the mall you had a peaceful type visit.

I went to the mall on Sunday. With Daughter-in-law, granddaughter,
grandson, Devin, Derrick.

Quite a big group.

Donna

hi yes i went to the mall. it was ok. i was a little punchy between the not-sleeping, the zoloft, and caffeine. but not bad. the noise started to bother me towards the end. it is only a small mall and we were there for just over an hour. mostly just getting groceries - there is a huge grocery mega-store.

i told my mom i thought the zoloft was making me a little punchy and she said, "really? well... but not all that much - you were really down for a while." so i guess the depression was more evident than i even realized.

i napped on the couch later but did not sleep much - it is very uncomfortable. i slept again during the night this time though. only about 4 hours but that's ok.

i think i may have a pulled something-or-other in my back. it has felt sore and usually massaging or putting pressure on some areas helps. this time, it made me 10 times worse!!! i don't know what i did. i hope it goes away!

~ waves ~

Zoloft progress
 

Day 4 on 50 mg (again).

i got more sleep this morning. i am going to pdoc today. i hope he says it's ok to stay on the Zoloft with the other stuff going on. i think so though.

as far as activation:
- the psychomotor agitation is gone. no more foot jigs.
- the mind has quietened too. no more dumb songs getting stuck on repeat in my head, kinda loud and insistent ... hard to explain.

i also feel less energy today overall... the good stuff went away with the bad. oh well. sigh.

still noticed some tooth clenching but it seems less compared to a couple days ago also.

~ waves ~

I hope your pdoc appointment went well.
HOw are you today?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thinking about you :hug:

Hoping everything is good !

day 6
 

i am feeling keyed up.

not in a good way either - it's close to an anxious feeling. somewhere between tense and jumpy.

also my head has started in again sucking in tunes and playing them over and over again, and i am having the inclination to tap/drum them with my fingers/hands/feet. it will be the same tune for 1-2 days then i will manage to get rid of it only by virtue of being replaced with something else. the latest is Kashmir by Led Zeppelin (a song i *love* and i hope this doesn't upset my appreciation of it :eek:) it's most annoying when trying to sleep because obviously it's counter productive. but it doesn't happen just then. it is controllable, not unconscious, but it is unpleasant.

this was already going on before this morning's dose.

i hope this will subside. if it doesn't i will take some benzo. if i get too uncomfortable i might just take the odd dose to get me over the humps. maybe it would be better to do that than continue to feel uncomfortable. i don't know. my instinct says it's better to see allow my body/brain to adjust first.

~ waves ~

too keyed up and fed up
 

i feel worse and i am sick of this.

i took 1.25mg of lorazepam (half a tab).

that should suffice since i should no longer have benzo tolerance, but if i don't feel a lot better in 20 mins i am going to chase it with the other half tab.

hrmppphhh.

~ waves ~

I am sorry that you are so keyed up...do what ever is best for you.
can you distract your brain?
bizi

hi... unfortunately Bizi no... distracting doesn't work. i did manage to distract from one song using another, which promptly got stuck in there.... (but i had been getting REAAAALLLY sick of the first one because i hated it).

i ended up napping. i am really not used to lorazepam any more. i am having a cup of tea now. i hope that doesn't make me antsy all over again.

tonight i will start taking my long acting benzo. i will try using it just for a short time. maybe even every other day.

i need to feel ok.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
Can you skip a dose? Or a half day?

(I don't know about how Zoloft works or what size your pills come.)

M.

Hi Mari,

i have a few 50mg pills and lots of 100mg pills, both scored and divisible. i use half of each as my 25mg and 50mg doses. Zoloft is taken once a day.

i can skip or reduce the dose for a day if things are too icky, yes. for the moment, it would be preferable not to do that. these effects are pretty normal. they may or may not subside. if they don't i have to deal with them or throw meds at them, if i want the Zoloft to do its job.

in the past, i have only had these effects with higher doses, but i have always had one or more "downer" drugs on board:
- Tegretol
- Trileptal + long acting benzo
- Zyprexa + long acting benzo
- Seroquel + long acting benzo
- Depakote + long acting benzo + lorazepam as needed

this is the first time i have taken it solo.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

I forgot about that.
You don't have anything on board to keep the Zoloft from being too activating.

You do have the benzo options available.
I'm glad about that.

I wonder if you have a higher tolerance for side effects than I do. . . . . not so much tolerance but more patience and more willingness to see them through . . .

I really hope that this is going to work for you --- and work soon.

M.

thanks Mari,

i hope it works too! :hug:

well other than having the snoozies, the lorazepam helped significantly - enough to make me comfortable.

i'll play it by ear as to when to start the long acting benzo. i may try to use it to help me shift my sleep back to night.

we'll see. one day at a time for now.

~ waves ~

I agree one day at a time.

Donna

well, i slept really well and partly during the night.

i tucked in about 3. i think i got to sleep around 4. i know it was not light yet. i slept solid until 10.

so far i feel better today than yesterday. of course i only just took the Zoloft (normally take it at 6).

i think the lorazepam helped a lot. that's probably why i got sleepy.

i am not going to take anything else for now. i want to see how things are when this dose peaks. i had a coffee yogurt but i am going to try not to have caffeine, or at least not coffee today. if i am too sleepy i will try tea or something. the caffeine in tea gets absorbed more slowly.

~ waves ~

I am glad that you got some solid sleep. hoping today is going well for you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Waves

I sure hope things start going better too.

Donna:grouphug:

Hi Mari, Donna, Bizi, Blue and Bobby

my sincere thanks to each of you for your support and companionship in my Zoloft adventures here. :):grouphug:

today i took my Zoloft early. i slept from 11.30pm to 3.30 am and then could not get back to sleep so i got up. i was a bit hungry too. by 5, i was a lot hungry. so i had a poached egg instead of my regular yogurt. shoulda had 2 - i was still hungry. so then i had the yogurt as well. i took my Zoloft then - 5.30 - close enough to 6. i'd rather take it early than end up maybe sleeping again and not taking it till lunchtime.

yesterday the activation seemed a little better (less), even though i did not have any benzo. i did have a cup of tea in the afternoon.

~ waves ~

I have never poached an egg before...they are so good for us and inexpensive, I have been eating more of them, scrambled with some slasa...yummy!:)
bizi

i love scrambled eggs, Bizi. actually i love eggs all different ways. but cooked yolks are not good for us.

the "cholesterol" in the yolk is not absorbed if you don't cook the yolk. it is oxidized on cooking - and becomes absorbable. the whites are more wholesome raw, too, but nowadays there is the safety issue of salmonella. (and besides, ... eww!)

anyway, poached, soft-boiled or sunny-side/over-easy are healthier than scrambled or omelettes or hardboiled or any mixed dishes where the yolk gets cooked.

i was thinking about that this morning... wish there were a way to scramble them without cooking the yolk. i supposed we could separate them and pour the yolk on after? :eek: not really the same thing! sigh... :o

~ waves ~

i should add - that the above is my interpretation of things i've read.

i've read all sorts of (contradictory) things:

- don't eat raw whites
- don't eat cooked whites
- don't eat any whites
- don't eat cooked yolks
- don't eat raw yolks
- don't eat yolks
- eat cooked or raw yolks, doesn't matter

i eat eggs however i feel like eating them, because i like them. i do believe moderation is the key in all things. the lecithin content of the yolk offsets its cholesterol content even if it is oxidized. but all in all, my guess is the less cooked the better.

you do get bunches of nutrients either way. so i should take back saying they are "not good for us" cooked. that is pushing it.

~ waves ~

I soft scrambled 2 of them on a non stick pan in less than a minute so easy and easy clean up! made a wrap with salsa...yummy! 300 calories.
Should hold me till supper! bizi:)

Dear Bizi

yes that is how i scramble them too. :)

i eat them plain or on toast. sometimes i put 2 teaspoons of oil from the dried tomatoes over them in a bowl. it retains some of the flavor and seasoning from the tomatoes. that's not fat-free, but it's a household item. and 'm not on a fat-free diet. ;)

i am actually a bit concerned about your being on a fat-free diet. your cholesterol values were good, especially your HDL. it would be a shame if the proportion changed because of not getting enough healthy oils. it might be ok, because you exercise. some just depends on what your body produces. you'll find out in your next labs i guess.

~ waves ~

dear waves, I am not on a fat free diet.
I am eating a piece of provalone as I write.
I jsut try to watch how much butter my hubby uses to cook the fish, etc so I did not buy any this grocery trip which i jsut got back from....ouch! grocery shopping is expensive!
we try to use olive oil and this bremel brown spread that has some yogurt in it, no hydrogenated oils supposedly! I just love to eat so if I watch the fats I can eat more food:)
I love sun dried tomatoes!!!!!
I just ate a very fattening chocolate truffle on a whim...
not good but OH SO GOOD!
I kinda hid the rest so as not to be tempted...
bizi

oh geez, i guess i was confused, big time! :rolleyes::o i wonder where i got that idea from. who knows! well thank you for setting me straight. :D i am actually relieved.

chocolate truffle... mmmmm.... yummm!

~ waves ~