Thinking of you today. The next few weeks are gonna hurt so bad.

Just talk to us if you are worried about the people in your "real" life. We can listen pretty well around here.

Hi Jacquie,
No that was never a mention or option in her life, her issues were to self medicate. If it is time at 10:00 Am to get medicine come up at 6:00Am to get it, But, then why come up at 6:00 AM give it to me tonight so I have iot in the morning when I get up.

SHe would have two patches on with a 48 hour overlap, instead she would want one a day....Seems the medication would just peak and she would cchange, or was ehr life that she needed the medication in a mental dependancy....

That was the issue being addressed and not resolved when seh was released from the beahvioral health center. I called to them and complained about major issues, in ehr safety, and patient safety, within a half hour she was being discharged. She wanted to be readmitted up here in our own county near family.

She realized that her fixation of demeaning me to others in anattempt to gain control over her medication and lfie was not going to happen and she needed help to do it.
One minute she would threaten a muderous rage if I didn't give in, the next she would say goodnight mommy, I love you.
The medications they discharged her with were TEN! Among them was Haldol. Why woudl anyone send a patient on opiad therapy home on haldol?
One or athe mix of three levels was high enough to stop her from breathing.

She must have felt something wrong as she sat up on the bed, proping comforter and pillows to sit against and not sleep.

The week before when she called 911 for ambulance and thought if she was admitted ehr medications would go with her, the cop infront of me told her if she ever called 911 again seh would be arrested!

THis stuff plays on me that her death was preventacle, if she sholuld ahve had been inpatient and they had no room, then let me know and I will get a family member to stay with her.
Obcioulsy they wanted ehr bed and me out of their hair. Monday we were hoping for a bed, she enver unpacked ehr bags.
But, she also was looking at classifieds for better housing, a dtemp job for something to busy herself and get a life,

She was riden in pain and self mediating with her medicines that she ahd no idea how she would react to, they never monitored ehr on the discharge meds, she had seizures on Cymbalta I think it was while there.

So if she was still inpatients, if she needed to be on new meds and watched I would have had ehr with me,
If she wanted meds early and couldn't then I would have left her screaming..
But I never would ahve left the AM meds for her during the night.

Her body failed ehr from pain soon now did her mind, There was no reasoning with her, but never did she want to not see her nephews the light of her life grow up, she enver would want to leave ehr kitties they were her babies.

I blame the new meds, the early release, and me not checking on her or keeping her with me, even at risk of my family leaving.
I want so much to hold her, to see her play with thee baby,
All I have are memories and questions,
But, no not once ever was the big out ever threatened or even mentioned.

There was a young man in the hospital with de and shew as speaking with him. Staff told her you can't talk to him your not a therapist. She asked why not they are just having small talk, staff told ehr, well, he does not talk to anyone, he has not spoken a word in 3 1/2 months here. Well, there was miss thing getting him to talk to her.
Sorry for typos,
To hard to recheck it all.
I am so crushed inside I just want to let out screams as hard as I can
Di

Then scream, honey. Just as loud as you want. I just hope you will be able to get to the point that you can see this wasn't your fault. I am angry they let her go so soon. But you didn't do anything wrong.

I think I would feel similar to what you are describing, feeling like you should have seen or stopped it, if it were my Wes. I think I would be a mess.

But please don't be mean to yourself. Please. Say it out loud if you have to but I don't think you deserve to put any blame on yourself.

I know it is next to impossible but during this time can you try to focus on how much you loved her and that you couldn't have been a better mother and just feel very angry. You were robbed. Try not to torment yourself....
you have to bear enough pain already....You were the best and don't second guess yourself. You are only human and not omnipotent. Who wants to be omnipotent anyways?
Bobby

Di,

Guilt usaully plays a part when we lose a love one. Guilt will not bring the person back though. Although, I know how you feel. I still to this day feel like my mom might still be alive if only I had done this or that. Just know that our love ones would not want us to beat ourselves up over it. You will probably still feel it though and that is okay too I think to some extent.

Di, if I could take your pain away I would. Losing a child has to be the hardest thing in the world to endure. Keep writing and talking as it is theraputic. sp?

hugs to you,
befuddled2

How is this day, Di?

Still thinking of you.

Dear DiMarie,

I'm guessing that it is necessary to feel whatever feelings you have.
Then you will go through other feelings and then go back to the first ones -- kind of a circular path.

I wish I knew a way to make it easier for you.
Remind yourself that you were the best mother she could have had.


She had gifts. And she probably got them from you.

I hope her kitties help a little.

Mari

Di, thank you for taking the time to fill me in on what had been happening with your daughter. YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT TO BLAME, YOU SHOULD HAVE NO GUILT IN THIS SITUATION, BUT THERE IS PLENTY OF BLAME TO GO AROUND - LIKE TO THAT SO-CALLED 'HOSPITAL' SHE WAS IN.

Around here, the hospitals tend to undermedicate all the time, which is what happened to my husband when he first entered a hospital for less than a week for his suicidal ideations. Big help they were. He got out, got home, I left him and my daughter home so I could go back to my fairly new job (3 mos) and THEN he really did the big attempt - by cutting his throat. Blood everywhere, no wonder Andrea had PTSD. Thank God he didn't know which side the jugguler vein really was on, or I would be a widow right now .

Sorry to bring that up, I guess it still hurts me quite a bit back in the recesses of my memory....

Hope today is a better day. Sending lots of hugs.

Jacquie

Jacquie,
Jacqui, I remember the horridness of your husband situation of the air that must have sucked out of you. THe daily life you have to be watchful, hopeful, prayfull, must make life living in the orange range everyday.Always cranked up emotionally/

I know I lived that range, But they have to know that having them and loving them means the world to you. The alternative is unbearable.
Why is it so hard to find the thing that clicks and life is renewed.

I think of you iften, and have had you on my morniog prayer list. You are so much stronger then I. Your job, the family demands, I can feel it. I pray your daughters injuries heal, that she finds great hoipe and life to live, a long one.
Thanks for taking time to share with me,
Di

Thinking of you everyday, you are in my prayers daily too.

I wish I knew what to say.

Sending an angel to watch over you.

Nikko