I've been down in this depression forever, or so it seems. Been messing with my meds - which I hate - and ECT schedule. Needless to say I am one big mess.

Now the job issues that won't go away. Was given my final warning today at a job I love but seem not able to do anymore. Been there 7 years tomorrow and it has slowly evolved into this very complex job. My mental capacity just does not enable me to do this job anymore it seems. Saw my therapist tonight and she suggested long-term disability. But doesn't that mean this dang disease wins? I honestly don't know what to do anymore. One day at a time.

Been fighting this suicidal thinking for quite a bit now. Did another safety contract with my therapist. See one of my pdocs tomorrow - the one for meds. Was honest with my husband about how I'm feeling and everything else going on. He thinks this job has become too stressful for me. It's strange - I don't want to give in to this disease and at the same time I want nothing more than to just give up on everything. Crazy huh?

Well, thanks for taking the time to listen to me ramble. It's kind of like my journaling and seems to take off some of the pressure in my head.

Just one more day,
Debbie

Dear Debbie,
Are you eligible for FMLA? Certain emplolyes can get 12 weeks unpaid medical leave.
http://www.dol.gov/dol/topic/benefits-leave/fmla.htm

Or maybe short term disability from your job? Check with HR.

Yes. It is exactly like journaling. That's why some of us are here.

It's not really like that. You win if you do the right thing for yourself.
Acutally I don't see this as winning or loosing. We constantly try. . . .lots of trying . . . and sometimes the trying helps us with what we want.

Is your husband being supportive?

Some days my goal is to survive. I'm meeting my goal.
Somedays I surpass it and survive gracefully.

M.

Dear Debbie

i'm sorry the road continues to be rough for you.

Short- and long-term disability are basically just different time periods. probably every insurance defines them differently, but the way it worked where i worked was that the short term kicked in if the foreseen absence was up to X weeks, and long-term was if it was greater than that.

if you are already receiving performance warnings at your job, i would do the disability - long or short, whatever your doctor suggests. the time needs to fit the time it will take you at least to finish the ECT treatments and recoup from them.

when you are doing better you will either be able to go back, or if not, you can figure that out then - ask for accomodations, get a different job, whatever.

but doing disability is still better than quitting or getting fired because you will continue to have income, and health insurance benefits, and technically you will not have a hole on your resume if you do end up needing to go elsewhere.

trust me. i've done disability and i've also quit cold before. no income and holes on the resume are HARD.

~ waves ~

Debbie,

If you are able to put your thoughts down, believe me, you are not too badly off. I know you must be feeling awful, and it is hard to concentrate when you feel low. Taking a long leave, if possible, while settling down with therapy and changes in prescription or dosages would be a good idea.

This is not a win or lose situation Debbie. You can't fight or compete with yourself. This thought just makes for more anxiety. This is who you are NOW.
And NOW you need a break.

I don't know anything about the technicalities in your country.
Right now I think your focus should be on trying to ensure a source of income.
Worries regarding money can be a real and permanent trigger.

Fighting against what you can is good, but if you have reasons to believe that the fight will wear you down more - then stop.

I battled foolishly for years and all that happened is that I managed to dig myself into a deep well of debt. And finally I have realised that accepting who I am now, is best for everybody around and myself. At least nobody is expecting or depending on me to deliver anymore. I am doing the last bit of tying up the loose ends and soon I shall be FREE.

i suffer a lot from depression and was on disability after 15 years of not working. I think you are ahead of the game by being in the hands of a good therapist. I don't think we can fight bipolar but instead I am beginning to believe we have to work with it. i really start drowning in depression when i fight with it and feel hopeless. when i try to work around it, i do much better.
if you go on disability you won't be isolated. it sounds as if you have a thoughtful husband. you also won't have the stress of not performing at your job...both are biggies...i think you have to be bipolar who suffers the pain of the depression to understand....it is so frustrating to not be understood.
bobby

Thak you for posting whawt you have...this means alot to me.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts then this is really serious and am glad that every one is on board and trying to help you.
Perehaps you can ask for an accomidation at work. Have your pdoc write you a letter saying that you can only work x amount of hours and perform certain duties like you were in the past...human resources can help you I believe....
I am sorry that this is happening to you, I wish it were easier, your attitude will help you feel better about things, don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing the best that you can right now...you will get through this.
((((HUGS)))
bizi

Thank you for all your kind words. Most the time my husband is very supportive. But sometimes he loses it. Last night was one of those times. He's going through some stuff with work and the struggles that come with being with someone like me. Then the job issues on top of it all was just too much for him last night.

My therapist has recommended a support group for him or a book (I forget the title at the moment) but he's not willing to do either. I don't know what to do sometimes because it just seems like I am more of a burden to my family, friends and co-workers than anything.

Debbie

Debbie, spouses, children or those around you have no idea of our conditions.

My daughter has OCD. She is on medication, and although the bad dreams and inappropriate thoughts are gone, once she gets a bee in her bonnet - often very dangerous bees - I lose it.
Ninety five percent of the time she goes ahead and does whatever she wishes to anyway - disregarding the highly probable dangerous consequences. She tells me that I am always negative and as she is nineteen she is free to live her own life as she wishes to.

I also have a mental health problem, I should understand. But I can't. I am too worried for her. As a mother, I feel I need to protect her and she just WILL NOT listen.

Generally most of the time families have no idea what this is all about. Doesn't matter how much one educates them, they can and do find our behaviour frustrating. My spouse gets it most of the time, but once in a while flips it.
Can't really blame him. Poor thing didn't bargain for - 'for better or worse' would be mostly worse. Doesn't matter how supportive they are - there are nuances that they will simply never get. On these occasions I just walk away.

A support group is a great idea. As is therapy if you feel you need it. It is comforting and a release to be around company that will appreciate and understand you.

At home, reminders every once in a while is the best that we can do.

How long is it since you've been diagnosed and put on medication?

Dear Debbie,
Would your husband be willing to go see your therapist for one or two sessions with you?

My therapist got my husband to come in so that the three of us could talk about ways to help me. (The therapist was not directing anything at him necessarily -- only discussed ways for him to work with me better at home.)
We've done this once a year for the last three or four years.

The first few times I brought him helped tremendously.

M.

Dear Debbie,

i know this feeling and it feels horrible:

yes, your family is struggling seeing you down, because they care,

but i guarantee...

*sorry if this is kinda, in your face*

no matter how great their struggles seem to you now, losing you would be a much, much bigger burden to them. and no, they would not get over it. people never get over suicide. even natural death is a toughie and some people don't get over that quickly or easily (and some do not get over it at all) ... but folks can never quite wrap their minds, let alone their hearts, around suicide.

so don't ever let yourself be convinced that they'd be "better off" without you. it is a lie told by depression. it is not the case.

~ waves ~