Bobby & Bizi... all good points.

and when one is depressed it is hard not to be self critical and feel guilty and ashamed about the tinyest things. (on top of actual things one might be responsible for.)

~ waves ~

I think the food sounded good.

I wish I felt like cooking. I need to start feeling like it again.

I will one day.

Donna

Dear Donna

thanks. if i were there i would cook for you!!!

ordinarily it would be something i like. and i am good at it. but lately i don't feel like it mostly either (don't feel like doing anything).... it feels heavy, like a chore. but, it is something i can get through, and it comes out well. it is part of an overall effort to keep me active and "useful," as well as getting tangible results out of part of my day.

~ waves ~

Most of the time I find cooking therapeutic. Your dinner sounds fantastic.

My father was always very critical of my cooking.
I am very critical of my cooking and always try to improve recipes.
My husband gets ****** that I stare at him when we start eating. I'm looking for feedback. He's not very enthusiast anymore, but I need that more now since I can no longer work.

Waves, I think you're doing a great job staying active. I'm sure that your mood and unemployment are contributing to these feelings of worthlessness. Lack of purpose? I struggle with that.

Even if your next job is not fulfilling, you can still fill yourself up.
My half sister is an artist, but now works at a big corporate job. She still takes concert photos, paints, and makes statement pieces in her spare time.

You can get back into music, journal, write. You can make life beautiful by volunteering somewhere where you can make a difference.

I really hope that this depression runs its course soon. It has way overstayed its welcome...


Kay

thanks Kay.

cooking is therapeutic in that i work with my hands and the results are tangible.

i used to like having people for dinner and making different things.... i would invite you all over for a banquet if i could. maybe a pot luck type thing so as not to be overwhelming.

also i know, unarguably, that if i didn't cook, someone else would... my parents are both of a cooked-dinner generation, esp dad. so even if it doesn't feel useful, i can keep reminding myself that i am sparing someone else from doing work - usually my mom who does all the grocery shopping too.

i have started doing all the dishes afterwards too... so my mom is getting lots of free evenings.

~ waves ~

I'm sure your dad really does appreciate it.

I HATE dishes. I have a dishwasher, but it's much smaller than I'm used to. With all the cooking I do, the dishes really stack up. I bought some new cups yesterday, and things would be easier if I bought more stuff. But I want to watch my $$$. Out of pocket medical costs are a burden.

Dear Kay,
Do you ever use paper plates?
I keep them around (we keep them around during hurricane season anyway) for when I need a break from dishes.

I have a dishwasher, but when I can't deal with that I like to be able to throw away the plates.

My hubby and I eat different foods and at different times of the day.
Most days, I keep one bowl (or plate) for myself for the day and wash it before I go to bed.



A few weeks ago, we go rid of lots of extra stuff in the small kitchen left over from when we married 4 or 5 years ago and from our shopping trips. I will not tell you how many can openers, candy thermometers, fridge thermometers, broken sets of cutlery, spatulas, crummy frying pans, and so forth we had crammed in the kitchen.
The cleaning lady and I pulled everything out of the cupboards and started as if we were starting with a brand new kitchen.

We put every item in a place.
If it did not have a place, I sent it out with the cleaning lady to give away to someone.

The kitchen is wonderful now. I have one each of everything. (I still have three can openers).
It is sooo totally organized and functional.
Of course I have had to remind hubby to put stuff in the right spot (low shelves for me, high shelves for him . . . ).

M.

Good job.

Donna

still having that sobby breath. AND still pooped.

the benzo helps - it has built up by now.

the poopedness lately translates to 2 cups of caffeinated coffee when i first get up which i thought contributed to the anxiety increase in the afternoon but i'm not so sure. i thought the poopedness might be from the benzo, but i'm thinking that itself is caused by anxiety too. because yesterday i was pooped all day.

my benzo is very long acting (100+ hours halflife) so 1ce daily dosing is adequate nonetheless i am trying with taking a dose during the day to see if it helps keep things saner.

yesterday was horrible. i pushed through with great difficulty, and didn't manage one of my errands done and it got pushed to today - making today worse.

today i woke up already feeling awful. and the sobby breath already hit after only 3 hours awake, and only 1 cup of coffee. yet i am falling alseep.

i spiked my second cup with an incremental dose of benzo!

i have a bunch of errands to do today... all over the city... 2 places never been to before (stress) i looked at googlemaps to orient myself and am taking map with me.... sigh. i hope the building are "labeled" though... i have phone numbers... i better remember my cellphone...

i will either take another dose before i go or take a vial (geez, i don't know where i put the vials... and if i still have the caps to them ) oh heck i'll just bring some lorazepam - easier.

i hate this. i am to the point i don't feel right ANY of the time. good thing one of the errands is pdoc. i will tell him.

~ waves ~

I am so sorry you are going through this. Are your medications helping at all?
You sound so fearful.
Love
Bobby