the benzo clearly helps. it gets rid of the sobby breathing when i take it at night. and it has helped my sleep. maybe between it and the zoloft. i am sleeping at night.

pdoc says the being pooped is probably anxiety itself, but easy enough to check - he said, increase the benzo, if it gets worse, you have your answer. makes sense. he said just go ahead and fiddle with the benzo (dose amounts, #doses, and timing) to see what helps most.

he also said i can increase my zoloft to 125mg. he said the zoloft should be helping with anxiety even better than the benzo. so maybe a little more will do the trick. he does not think the anxiety is a reaction to the zoloft itself (i asked that).

i have an appointment with him for next week because i feel so out of sorts and all this stuff is happening - class starts on monday.

today i was beside myself going around the city between appointments. i was talking to myself (out loud) most of the time. like, it's ok, it's ok it's ok, or it doesn't matter, the world is not going to end, it doesn't matter, it will be over, you can do it, you are doing it, etc etc etc. i'm sure i looked/sounded like a total headcase.

love

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

Did you see the pdoc today? 'Just wondering because you sound like you have just talked to him.
'Good to raise the Zoloft if it can help with anxiety.

have to go for now
I'll be back in a little while.
M.

It is perfectly fine to give yourself pep talks.
The zoloft is helping give you the energy to act upon your desires.
I am wondering though about your increase in alcohol, one of our other posters said that she does this when she is starting to get hypomanic....
what do you think?
I know that I drink more when I am hypomanic....
bizi

Waves,
I planned to read and respond to your post.
I'm not so great right now.
=-=-=

Oops! I just read the post.
What a day!!
It's ok to talk to yourself -- especially considering what happens when we don't talk to ourselves.

M.

Hi Bizi and Mari... thank you.

i am hoping the extra zoloft will help some.

Mari i did see pdoc yesterday - he was the 3rd and final of my errands. and that went crazy too because he messed up and booked another patient at same time as me - ended up seeing each of us for 1/2 hour instead of an hour but boy was i freaked.

there was a special event at home so lots of pressure getting things cleaned up, then the mad dash around the city with the subway and some trams closed - substitute buses for those routes... but still stress ... then pdoc's crazy thing and me worried about getting home in time for dinner (due to specail event).

today i am taking the day OFF. need to run an errand at the mall but dad is doing it for me. i did one for him yesterday and i NEED THE DAY OFF. heck i need tomorrow and sunday off too.

class starts monday.

i am frazzled and it is only 10 am. (woke up before 8. slept > 8 hours i think... took lots of extra benzo last night).

~ waves ~

Yes. Take the day off.
Yesterday was a wild day.

I think that you will like the school once you get there.
The are not paying you -- it will not be as goal focused as a job. I know you want to do well and I know you want to get there on time and with no anxiety and all that.
Focus perhaps on just one day. You can analyze one day at time. Don't think about the whole course. Focus on getting through Monday. You can handle Monday.
My hope is that you will like the class. That would be something

I hope that you can be unfrazzled soon.

M.

i just had my second cup of coffee... spiked with another dose of benzo (more than yesterday's spike).

i am still not 'ok' but it will take another hourish to peak...

i am trying to decide if i want to get out of the house and walk to the store, or just hole up.

i feel suspicious/cautious about allowing myself to just sit/lie around all day. that is a way of being i need to get away from rather than cling to. but i need something to cling to, today.

but i don't want to do anything terribly engaging either.

for the moment i am going to stay put.

i also have some handwash to do. that's kind of overdue. maybe i will attack that.

~ waves ~

I am glad that you dad is doing the errand for you. hoping that your special event went smoothly.
bizi

Mari,
My husband told me he'd divorce me if I ever served him dinner on a paper plate. He wouldn't really, but he grew up on tv dinners and paper plates. It's the pots and pans that really build up.
I really downsized my kitchen when we moved here in February. I donated everything to Big Brother/Sister & they picked everything up. I actually need a few things that are on their last legs.

Waves,
I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling with all that anxiety. Running around town doesn't help. You do need a MH day. I hope your meds get a handle on things soon.


Kay

still ramping up the doses of the anxiolytic... i may need as much as i was taking last year... sigh. and after all that effort to taper it. grrrr. but i guess at this point if i hadn't tapered i'd need to increase from there so...

well yesterday (my day off) i was not idle after all...

- i filled out form for bus pass so mom could go submit it
- i changed the bed clothes
- i washed the bed clothes
- i lubed the fold out bed-couch (ugh oil)
- i hand-washed a bunch of stuff
- i cooked veggies for dinner - potatoes with sage, zucchini n carrot slivers with garlic & paprika, green peppers with shallots and ginger. and cut a little of the green pepper raw, for me.
- i went to the pharmacy to get scripts

i got anxious in spite of various antidotes throughout the afternoon. i at best had spells of being not-too-anxious.

at night, i had an incident. and it happened after my hefty dose of benzo had kicked in. my dad asked me very nicely if in future, i could soak my plant some place other than the bidet... now i have been doing this for years (and the plant doesn't take water but every 2-4 weeks). i was a bit bewildered at his being suddenly bothered. and, i mean, he was NICE about it... and he specifically said he did not need me to move the plant, only could i please do it different, for next time. well the effect was as though someone had screamed at me or something. and even with all that benzo in me, i ended up crying for half an hour. (i moved my plant which was by then just draining... i felt awkward for me, and afraid for it.) completely irrational. completely hypersensitive.

i don't see how i can deal with work when i am this much of a mess. i have a month to get un-messed.

~ waves ~