oh kay, I am sorry if I upset you and I did not figure out you are a nurse...my memory is terrible if I read that somewhere else.
sorry.
I too am a nurse but have not worked in a regular setting for 13 years now. I work with feet.
My brother commited suicide about 21 years ago and My mother participates in the sos survivors of suicide forum here.
It is a very good place to find support if ones depression deepens toward that direction.
We have members here who post there on occasion.
I am sorry if I sounded judgemental...
please forgive me.
bizi

Dear Kay

i am very sorry. what i said didn't sound like what i wanted it to mean i guess. or maybe it did and just wasn't appropriate.

i wasn't trying to call you morbid. i was afraid i was being morbid. nor "threaten you" with emphysema as pressure to get off the cigs... last thing i wanted was to pressure you about the quitting attempt... i was in a way wondering at the idea of smoking as a sort of "slow-suicide" tool versus smoking to feel better somehow... and trying to point out it wasn't exactly predictable... which is really idiotic of me because of course you know that - and yes i do know you are well informed... and thensome through your nursing experience.

heck no use even rambling further about what i did or didn't mean... i wish i hadn't said anything because obviously what i said was upsetting. and i'm so sorry about that. i am sorry for being an insensitive dolt.

i mean maybe i just don't get it or something... i have not, in fact, been dx'd with a terminal illness.

fwiw, you don't know when you're going to die either even with your dx.

you, like any of us, could die tomorrow... we could choke on a crust of bread... or get hit by an unhinged blazing toilet seat re-entering the atmosphere....

i think it is nice that you and your family still honor your mother's birthday together. it sounds painful for you though and i'm sorry. i am sorry she isn't there. :hug:

~ waves ~

Dear Kay,
You've see a lot. Nurses work hard for us and are not appreciated enough --- and yet they do the work of angels.
Thank you. :Heart:


Those kinds of birthdays are hard. It is nice that the rest of the family will be checking in with each other.
Be kind to yourself.

M.

Dear Kay,

Good morning!

Did the 11 days of antibiotics help?
I hope that you are feeling better.

M.

Dear Bizi & Waves,
I was in no way offended. I was just trying to explain my line of thinking, and I'm sorry if I came off rough or angry.

Dear Coffee Girl,
I have those special cigarettes, too. They look just like a regular cig., but they run on a battery, and use cartridges that contain only nicotine and flavoring. I haven't had any luck quitting yet.


Dear Mari,
I'm much better now, thank you! I have a little residual cough- that's all.

I'm going to post something a little later, but I want to be able to offer more info. You that you have all offered me nothing but support, friendship, and good advice. Thank you.

Kay

I'm a mess right now.

I'm safe right now, but since last night I have been having regular s/s thoughts with some planning. I am not feeling impulsive, but I am anxious. My pdoc is on vacation, but I left a message for my psychologist to tell her about this and asked for a call back that hasn't happened yet. I had an appt. with her Monday and my mood was good. The session went well. I did discuss the logic of not stopping smoking to her & she understood.

We'll probably just discuss my safety plan:
Distraction & self talk.
Reach out to someone close to me.
If thoughts intensify, go to ER or
If alone, lock myself out, call 911, and wait for them on stoop.

I tried to write my follow up post to explain my rationale not to quit smoking earlier, but just couldn't do it. I guess all that has been bouncing around in my head since then.
Add constant financial problems, all the medical stuff (mine and my sister's), and my mother's upcoming birthday (actually 10/11, not 11/10- dates are difficult for me) and you have the recipe for the perfect storm. I'm overwhelmed.

I chose to write about my reasons for not stopping smoking because I needed to talk about it. Nothing anyone wrote to me in this thread contributed to my current psych problems- I promise you that.

Distraction is proving to be somewhat useful & I'm trying to remind myself of the impact of suicide on my loved ones.
I told my husband & sister that I am having mood and psych problems. They know what that means.

I'm worried that all this is going to worsen the closer I get to my mother's birthday. I always have some sort of psych reaction, but not like this. I see myself in the ER soon.

I will do what I can to keep myself safe. I am safe right now.

Kay

Hi Kay

i am glad you were not offended! i was more worried that you were hurt. hopefully you were not that either. if you're ok, i'm ok. :)

you'll quit smoking when you're good and ready. keep taking shots at it. sometimes there's just too much going on or whatever... and golly, with a live-in hardened smoker??? sheez! i had the WORST time, when i moved to this country, having quit... because people smoked in the office, in restaurants etc etc etc... i am not your typical cigarette smoker because i never enjoyed the way most smokers do. yet, even i started smoking again, here, multiple times because i was immersed in it...

... sometimes i was stressed out and it was too easy to bum one or two... then i'd buy them because i don't like to bum...

... sometimes there was so much second-hand smoke around i'd start smoking again just so i'd notice it a little less.

is your husband receptive at all to the whole you wanting/trying to be smoke-free?

you know, even when i smoked and lived alone, i always smoked outside. a couple times when it was cold, i cheated and smoked by a door/window exhaling through the screen and holding the tip of the cig there too... but most of the time i piled on the clothes and hauled my sorry freezing butt outside and smoked through chattering teeth. or passed up on the cigarette, to avoid the cold.

i guess i'm wondering if it's feasible (for you, and for your husband) to turn your home into a non-smoking environment, quit effort aside.

(i think it will help during the quit attempts... and it might help cut down quantity... for him too.)

another thing - this was one of the last places to go for me was, in my car. as a smoker i would measure distances by the number of cigarettes it took to get there. :rolleyes: then at one point i acquired a car that had always been kept pristine, detailed weekly etc, never smoked in. so it became a non-smoking area. eventually i made the other car non-smoking area too - but that was hard. just the gestuality of getting in the car, involved pulling out/lighting a cigarette! it was all mixed up in there with the seat belt, hand brake check mirror business. :rolleyes:

~ waves ~

And i'm glad you are feeling better!

i've never had pneumonia... :( and i don't relish the idea! :eek:

:hug:

~ waves ~

oh kay,
I am sorry you are struggling right now.
I am glad that you felt safe enough to post.
Please know that you can always post what ever here.
thank you for sharing.
There is a forum specifically for people who are suicidal...I wonder if you have found it yet?

this is the link to the sos forums: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

know that we care and I am glad that you are safe....
keep us posted.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Kay,

I am concerned about you. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Treat this episode like it is an emergency now.
Execute the safety plan now.
Can you make an appt to see the pdoc on Monday or at least Tuesday? Sometimes it helps to get through the next two days or so (for example) if you know that you have an upcoming appt.


When you reach out to someone close to you, do they provide you with the help that you need?

You can marshall your forces and get through this time.

Mari