My pdoc is on vacation, but my psychologist gave me a call back. We talked about what was going on with me, my safety plan & I contracted for safety. She asked me to tell my husband that I've been having suicidal thoughts. I did and did it in plain English.

I think I'm doing everything I can re: my safety plan, with the exclusion of going to the ER.
I saw my brother today and spoke to my sister twice on the phone (reaching out).
I went food shopping, made chicken soup, trimmed all 3 cats' nails, and watched a movie (distraction).

I've never been to the sos forum. I'm not having s/s thoughts right now and don't want to try it out, but thank you Bizi.

My husband will be home all weekend. He's been helpful in the past when I've given him a heads up.
A lot of my loved ones mean well, but just don't understand how this happens, and seem to think I can flip a switch to make it stop. I'll call these people to talk and remind myself that they love and would miss me, but avoid sharing my suicidal ideation.

I've been thinking about making a cake, maybe I'll try. It sounds like a good and lengthy distraction.

Thanks guys. I'm okay right now and really appreciate your support.
-Kay

oh kay,
thank you again for reaching out ot us here.
you are doing a good job of distracting yourself.
the sos forum is a wonderful safe place to talk aoub tyour thoughts they understand depression and suicidal thoughts. they have been there and done that so they know what youare struggling with.
my mother posts there her name is alffe.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Oh Dear Kay

i guess i took so long to respond to your post re: the smoking, yesterday ... i TOTALLY missed the post you added afterwards, regarding the suicidal ideation... :( :Bang-Head:

i am glad others were around for you! :hug:

glad your tdoc eventually got back to you and you could make a contract with her, too.

i understand not wanting to talk about suicide to others who don't understand. (i've been told things like "don't be ridiculous" and "don't talk nonsense" ... oh so helpful. :rolleyes:) just making contact with others in the way you are doing is good, though.

i hope your hubby is supportive.

anniversaries are hard... right now this is crisis mode and may not be the best time to delve, not on outpatient basis, surely.

when you feel better, i'd consider discussing with your pdoc if there might be better ways for you to observe (or not observe) your mom's birthday. what you're doing with family sounds "nice" but clearly isn't helpful. i am wondering if her absence might not clash with the family observance for you, causing you to go through a sort of acute mourning period, alone. for this time, if it feels odd to you to do all the getting together on the phone and stuff - you can bail... don't do it. and when you feel up to it try talking with tdoc about it all.

how are you doing today?

did you make the cake? what kind? how did it come out?

~ waves ~ who is now going to check back if there aren't other posts i missed, meanwhile.... :rolleyes:

Dear Kay:
I like the cake idea.
Kitchen work can be involving and gratifying.
What kind are you making?

(If cake works for you, maybe you can make arrangements to drop off a cake somewhere once in a while when you are up to it.)
That's good that you told your husband what is happening and that you made contact with your brother and sister.
Are your kitties helpful to you? What are their names?

'Sending good vibes for you.

M.

Thinking of you Kay. Didn't have a chance to post last night but read what you posted.

You are right. Family members think that with s/s thoughts you can just flip a switch. They do not understand at all. Keeping yourself distracted and busy will help you thru it. Journal your thoughts too. It sounds strange but by writing down your thoughts will help you ease the anxiety down.

Please keep posting so we know you are okay. Thinking of you with lots of love and care.

:hug:

Coffeegirl

So far today hasn't been too bad.

I picked out some recipes and I think I'm going to make pound cake. I'm going to make a roast beef for dinner, too.

My sister is organizing something for my mom's birthday Monday. My mother loved Annalee dolls and they're opening a new store (about an hour away) this weekend. A few ladies in the family are going and my sister asked me. I told her I'd be there if I wasn't in the psych ward. At first she said, "you'd better not be." But then I told her that it was an absolutely miserable feeling, and I would stop it if I had control over it. That shut her down- maybe she's starting to get it.

Not sure how I feel about the trip right now. I'll go if I think I can handle it. My mother died 13 years ago. I guess it never gets easier.

The weather is pretty good right now, so my cats are very active. They're kinda driving me nuts right now. Rocky Balboa is male 5 yo., Buddy Lite is a male 4 yo., and Dottie Doo is a female almost 2 yo. They're all glued to the sliding door.

Thanks for your support all :grouphug:
Kay

I wish I had some words of wisdom but currently don't. When you have those thoughts of suicide please post them here. I think a lot of us have them or intermittently have them and we can supply you at least with you are not alone. I think you try to be way too brave and don't allow yourself to nurture yourself. You are very admirable and I really look up to you but i feel for you because I wish you would treat yourself more kindly.
Smoking is a form of nurturing. Drinking beer is a form of nurturing too. Since i stopped smoking I haven't found a substitute for that nurturing. Sometimes lately I might think of a cute dollface in my life...whether it is a kitty cat or a person..that helps if I am in not too much pain. I don't know if it can work for you. Your kitty cats sound precious.
Bobby

hugs to you today kay.
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
bizi:hug:

How I quit smoking FINALLY
 

I started smoking in 1973. I quit in 2009. How do I know this time it's forever? I had to replace it. I replaced it with an entirely new way of living! I started a Zumba class, I started a healthy diet (Dr. Josh Axe - online) and had ALOT of sex with my husband. My husband is happy, my house is cleaner and I treated myself to a trip to the beach to try out my new smokin hot body in my new bikini! I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS GOOD! Do it, do it, do it!!!!!!!!!

Wow packer girl....you sound so happy with your new life!!!
that is wonderful!
I started exrtcising in march and I feel better for it.
thanks for popping by.
and welcome to these forums!