some concerns . . . . . some suggestions
 

1.


Dear Waves,
I would feel better if you took the full Zyprexa as soon as you got home from work. Text the pdoc and let him know that you are taking the whole 10 mgs at the same time.

(Pdocs need to give us very easy directions. Taking meds in split doses is hard when we are not fully functioning.


. . . . . this sounds dumb to me. . . . .. not that I really know anything at all and in particular about anything like this . . . I admit to not being clear what this is about. I do understand that this is a matter of concern.


I might have gotten lost somewhere. Maybe I need to read back a few posts.



Here is how it is going to happen:
At another week or two on the right dose of the Depakote and two or three on the right dose of the Zyprexa, you might be better and be able to go down to 5 mgs of Zyprexa.

My point is that the Zyprexa is temporary. Let it work with you so that you can feel better and get off it soon.

It really stinks that somehow you are irritable -- thus my suggestion that you ask the pdoc for slightly more of the long acting benzo.

Being flat is, again, temporary. In three weeks you can discuss lowering the Zyprexa with the pdoc. First you will need to raise it to the pdoc's recommended dose and be consistent. Whether you were working or not, you would need something that is making you flat for a time. Think of this as your healing time.

I understand. I do.
The zombification needs to be in place. It is what is keeping your grip on reality. It's not pleasant, but it is necessary. Go a long with it. See it as something helping you to get well.



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2.
Dear Waves, I wrote this note several hours ago but did not click send because I wanted to go back to read about the faces and the 911. I couldn't find an earlier post. I will click send anyway. Know that we support you and want you to do well and have good days.
M.

thank you Mari.

i will explain the 911 and face smashing in. but it basically has to do with delusional/predelusional stuff - psychotic thinking. that is why i was given the zyprexa.

HISTORY (3 years ago):
the last time i was unmedicated (well, only "ordinarily" med'd with depakote, pdoc went on holiday thinking his talk had fixed me???? and i had a terrifying existence for about 3 weeks as a telepathic firestarter... something that started when i wished out loud that the country would burn down and then there started being arson fires.... here, there, everywhere which i felt i was "inciting" telepathically. the 911 stuff came right before it, after a period of really wonderful "oracle-readings" from my now defunct african violet. the 911 stuff is basically that the sequence 911 in any numerical sequence is like a signal to me, from the universe, of emergency or imminent disaster. it is an omen, but a negative one. the sequence can be anywhere from digital time readouts to lottery numbers t to ISBN numbers to you name it.

CURRENT:
ok, well, i have been having a repeat of the 911 interpretative thinking stuff, i mean EXACTLY like last time. i told him i did not want to end up with frank delusions again thank you ebcause fine if you feel like you are the grace that shone in the Garden of Eden, less fine if you think you're Evil Personified. also i was still a bit manic. and i remember being agitated when i told him, because it got me worked up. that is when he put me on zyprexa.

i know that pdoc is right that i have to allow myself to look at numbers (be normal, not avoid) both to see if the med is working but also to avoid feeding a potential obsession - changing my behavior due to fear based on a quasi-delusion is no good - it will not help me in the long run.

ok so, reality: maybe a week ago my boss ranted unkindly about a group of colleagues in the protected (ADA-like) categories and i expressed here that i felt like smashing his monitor into his face. next thing i know (like the fires that started "upon my wish") he comes in with a smashed face.

thought: that's where i am glad i don't believe i am doing it, but i am not happy with the fact that i can't seem to write it off either - i don't DISbelieve that i'm doing it. i am not going NAAAAHHH.

there were only 2 nights when i took only 5mg of zyprexa. all the other nights i took 10mg as prescribed. you have a good suggestion about taking the full 10 as soon as i get home. if i miss my early 5mg, take 10 earlier than usual. to me that is a contingency plan, but a good one. i sometimes get home very late so it might not always be possible. i know, i need to get home earlier. but that is another kettle of fish. whole different problem. i also need not to drink alcohol.... hmmmmmmm.... even thought that makes you sleepy only short term... and i'm not drinking heavily.

thank you for reminding me all this is temporary. i think i ate about half a pound of cheese between last night and now. between meals, yes. and other stuff too! :eek::eek::eek::crazy:

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
Thanks for the recap. I understood the gist of it before except I missed reading that he really did come in with a smashed face. I remember reading about your fires thing in the past.
I don't have this type of reality issue (as far as i know!) so I don't know what you are supposed to do. I guess that the meds are supposed to help. And your pdoc has given you the task to check on clocks to gauge what is happening.

It does not work for some people, but it works for me that when someone is really awful, I can do some of the following:
~realize that they had life experiences that might have made them that way
~feel sorry for them
~avoid making their issue about me
~avoid them
~put it out of my hands and into the universe
~consider praying for them
~reframe the issue as temporary
~hope that the person moves on
~and so on

With my current immediate boss, I am avoiding her. That is the best I can do right now -- because if I talk to her I would be bothered. Luckily, most times she avoids us too -- weird that she stays behind her door and sends us emails. When she is near enough to be confrontational, she is horrible and seems prepared to go all the way into firing someone. In other words, she is not being mean for fun. She means it.

My father advised me a few times that at some point either you or the boss is going to move and you only have to wait it out.
He's kind of right, but my workplace has a culture that is not working. At a critical mass of not good people, the culture is difficult.
We are now now hoping that the new big huge boss is going to change the way things get done and, more importantly, how people treat each other -- mostly by sending some away and bringing in new ones.
And, yes, I am hoping for a shake up.

I know that you cannot avoid your boss.
In a better world, you could have co-workers you could trust so you could commiserate a little.

You do know that his messed up face has nothing to do with you or maybe even with him. A friend's face was perfect. He had surgery for something that had to be cut (can't figure out what it is called). The surgery resulted in temporary black eyes. The black eyes were caused by the work the surgeon did to fix something -- in other words, the black eyes are part of his being proactive about his health, his healing, . . .

I know you know above. When you are not quite in grasp of reality, I don't think you can reframe the issue. I think you have to
~get good meds,
~take the meds,
~keep yourself safe,
~sleep,
~stay as stress free as possible,
~know in your heart of hearts that this is going to pass


I'm in a list making mood. . . . should go back to bed.


'Still thinking about the meds. Do you take a week's worth of Zyprex 5 mgs in your purse? You could take the Zyprexa before you leave work at the end of the day or half way into the commute. I remember that you have a long commute but I don't know how long Zpyrexa starts to take effect.

My recommendation then is that you take the full Zyprexa the minute you walk in the door when you get home and eat, get ready for the next day, and relax.
I'm being bossier than usual. Sorry. I am hoping that you have a week with the proper dose of Zyprexa everyday. The sooner the Zyprexa knocks out the reality issue, the sooner you can be stable for a while and then taper off it. The whole plan is to not need Zyprexa. Keep you heart on your goal.


Your talk about faces made me think about my experience with buying a watch a few days ago. My old watch completely died. After talking to the salesman about faces / dials (is there a difference?), I have been noticing and thinking about watches. They are on my mind. Then you posted about a boss's face getting smashed and I was lost -- that's why I needed the recap perhaps.

Cheese calories do not count if the cheese is really good. I made up that rule.

I hope that you have a good week.
Mari

Personally I agree with the cheese rule.

And I am lost on lots of the other stuff for some reason.

So I'm not going to weigh in.

Donna:grouphug:

I'm switching between not eating and over-eating.

Mari, do chocolate calories count if the chocolate is good? :)

Mari said it all so well.
I hope you find some balance as soon as possible.
You are doing a great job....keep sane we need you here.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Kay,
Of course not :) Enjoy the free calories in chocolate!
Take care.

M.

Also remember the benefits of chocolate.

Donna:grouphug:

Thank you for justifying my chocolate yens for me ladies :)
I hate feeling guilty

i don't feel guilty. you don't have to either.

i just hate putting the weight on. that sucks and it makes me mad mad mad mad mad. and no justification will help. :(