[waves]

specifically i broke that rule that says 'never let them see you cry'.

i cried uninterruptedly all friday afternoon.

friday afternoon, after a very tenuous morning and crying at lunch time, i had to run a DB operation which caused a big mess and long story short after my boss was done 'explaining' to me why it should have been obvious (but wasn't, to me) i erupted into tears and did not stop all afternoon and till i was almost home.

i wasn't sobbing loudly or anything but after a few attempts at explaining my reasons and being verbally flipped off, there came a tidal wave... eyes, nose, you name it... every now and then i had to talk to the boss coz at some point he quit jabbing at me and started trying to fix the problem - perhaps after realizing i had lost it? or that fresh jabs produced fresh tsunamis but no productivity on my part?

among the bigger things that i said during the course of the afternoon were:

- i feel like i can't do a single thing right in this place.

i am certain the colleagues in adjacent offices could tell i was crying even though i was not bawling loudly... it lasted long enough. i had no tissue and had to go to the bathroom too - i looked awful.

i am terrified of going to work tomorrow.

now to see WHAT he tells the coordinator monday, and if she needs to let into me for half of monday morning about it too, or what. it still needs to be fixed, so this isn't the end of it.

pdoc says this place is hostile. he reduced my depakote as he said i don't seem on an upswing any more but neither of us attribute the 'errors' to the depakote - the 'issues' i am having aren't silly concentration type things. and fwiw, i was MUCH making more of those before when i was manic, for that matter.

i am terrified of going to work tomorrow.

~ waves ~ who cries on the way home 3-4 days of the week, at lunch time 2-4 days. not one of the "noble" ones right now, Donna.