specifically i broke that rule that says 'never let them see you cry'.

i cried uninterruptedly all friday afternoon.

friday afternoon, after a very tenuous morning and crying at lunch time, i had to run a DB operation which caused a big mess and long story short after my boss was done 'explaining' to me why it should have been obvious (but wasn't, to me) i erupted into tears and did not stop all afternoon and till i was almost home.

i wasn't sobbing loudly or anything but after a few attempts at explaining my reasons and being verbally flipped off, there came a tidal wave... eyes, nose, you name it... every now and then i had to talk to the boss coz at some point he quit jabbing at me and started trying to fix the problem - perhaps after realizing i had lost it? or that fresh jabs produced fresh tsunamis but no productivity on my part?

among the bigger things that i said during the course of the afternoon were:

- i feel like i can't do a single thing right in this place.

i am certain the colleagues in adjacent offices could tell i was crying even though i was not bawling loudly... it lasted long enough. i had no tissue and had to go to the bathroom too - i looked awful.

i am terrified of going to work tomorrow.

now to see WHAT he tells the coordinator monday, and if she needs to let into me for half of monday morning about it too, or what. it still needs to be fixed, so this isn't the end of it.

pdoc says this place is hostile. he reduced my depakote as he said i don't seem on an upswing any more but neither of us attribute the 'errors' to the depakote - the 'issues' i am having aren't silly concentration type things. and fwiw, i was MUCH making more of those before when i was manic, for that matter.

i am terrified of going to work tomorrow.

~ waves ~ who cries on the way home 3-4 days of the week, at lunch time 2-4 days. not one of the "noble" ones right now, Donna.

Dear Waves,
Your pdoc gets it.

How are the weekends when you are away from that place? Do you feel like crying in general? Or only related to the boss?


Sorry that Friday was bad and that all the others days are bad.

M.

i am so sorry...it sounds as if you are going through h@ll. can you tell yourself it isn't worth it . i bet you can't. sending hugs
love
bobby

I am sorry waves that you are having such a hard time right now. I wish it were easier for you and I am hoping that monday will not be so bad....I hope you can rest tonight and not worry about monday morning.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

yeah he said don't be a hero if it gets unbearable walk away even if it costs money... on the other hand he said, if i can manage to get to end of contract it it might give me a boost - a sense of achievement. that's true too. i keep saying if i can do one 1 month i can finish the contract (end June).it's totally about and at work. actually home is better than it was perhaps because i can medicate, but it is a relief to be with the folks - feels safe.[/QUOTE]

thanks Bobby

you're right i feel like i'd be quitting where so many don't ... it's not worth the money it's not that though, i do know that. it's more that it's harder to move from no job to job. my folks want me to try to work with my first contractor and stay employed with a different end client if possible.... that's probably the most sensible thing too.

i was very upset and ruminative about this all weekend couldn't even post about it. now i am trying to find some sort of angle that can help me pass the minutes hours days weeks interactions and ignoractions.

the best i could do - last night the Bones episode was when they found the slave ship - was remind myself i have the freedom to choose and i am getting paid. i may be treated unkindly and somewhat unfairly and possibly end up scapegoated, but it isn't about me. i'm doing the best i can, because that is about me, and i might learn if i do things in earnest.

i would want to stop, stop working, and be more active with the epilepsy center, and look for schools now that i have the resumes done, and/or training.

but i think that is idealistic... who wouldn't want to take a vacation. also, keeping working will probably keep me workable.

~ waves ~

Have you given up on looking for a teaching job? I really hope things get easier for you soon waves, you have put a lot into this temp job and it seems like it gets blown back in your face. If you need to vent we're here!

Dear waves,
Please remember, you do have a choice here.
You can quit.
It sounds like they are abusing you and you are putting up with it.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Is it really worth it?
bizi

no i haven't but i haven' tbeen on top of things didnt help parents computer crashed and having inside paintedd.... been busy at home as well, i got one resume to a professor ... she gave copies to her friends lol i dunno...

thank you. i will try. i have finally stopped obsessing. i hope the query i left running didn't get stuck, and that my boss just decides there was no 'damage' and lets me continue....... i am trying to think up uneventful scenarios.... sigh, you know, to contrast the many ugly ones which have bombarded me.

it is a relief that my mood is not so jagged any more i really was out of familiar ground. not that things are great now, but i was having spells with language turning jibberish and total mood lability.

and it's not real depression, or i'd be depressed at home - i'm not. i'm worn out, especially mentally and worried, but i'd say that is pretty normal given my situation. i'm more ruminative than most... that's less normal. i am always having to work on that.
i was thinking about that, i mean it's not like i am a slave and i should be thankful and use my power to choose. but in the balance is the whole "having a job" bit, and with lots of gaps at your shoulders it looks really bad.

'if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice' - Rush

~ waves ~

Waves

Even in my job were I love it. I have had days were I have cried
and cried too. I know its not the same. But sure wasn't easy to
see the same group of people months later.

For me that was what it was. Not just a weekend.

So please hang in there.

Donna

I think that sounds like something I would want to hear. Plus it gives two options that are okay by pdoc standards.

Oh Waves, I wish I could give you as good an answer, but what ever happens tomorrow, we are with you in supportive caring thoughts.

It really was a crisis you made through, but if the hurdles are getting too high, no one feels good falling down and and hurting. Even if you did not have cycles, it could be happening to anyone, and that anyone would feel just like you do now, or else they would be hardened.
You are sweet, and like to please people.

Working were you feel it is hostile, and it seems it is for sure.....makes for a crappy job even too "Lady Diana". A princess with all that pressure and she just wanted to be appreciated and not dictated.
Your a real Lady.