[roscoe]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and wanted to get something off of my chest.

I have bipolar I as does my sister and mother. My mother was undiagnosed and unmedicated for the whole time she raised our family, and her behavior has left a lot of scars on others in the family. Growing up I thought all adults acted like my mother but now that I am an adult I can safely say that her behavior over the past 30-odd years has been outrageous. I am much more "normal" than either my sister or mother and I function fine in life as long as I stay on my medication. My sister, however, is nutty like my mother. I give her credit though, because my sister has sworn off having children of her own. I know that's a tough decision for a woman, and one that my mother was not strong enough to make. My mother used us children as emotional medication; she was in many ways an emotional vampire, and only a child would put up with the crap she foists on others.

I admire my sister for her decision. She is solving her problem whereas my mother kicked the can down the road because she did not want to give up on her dreams of motherhood, even though it was bourne out that she was not fit to be a mother.

The reason I am unsure is that I have behaved much better than either over time, and I am generally an upstanding member of society who pays taxes, contributes, etc. My illness is much milder than my mother's and sister's. I am hesitant to have children though because the emotional role of a father is more demanding than that of a mother, in that a man is expected to be in control of his emotions while it is normal for women to be taken now and then. Also I fear subjecting my children to the same treatment I was subjected too. It's a tough thing to say but if a child has to go through what I went through then I would not say that it's not worth it.

People always make arguments about how life is a gift and worth spreading, but I am by nature more clinical. I see the healthcare costs that a bipolar person incurs, and the daily suffering they endure, and I wonder whether it's worth bringing another bipolar into the world. Sure there are talented bipolars who make art and such, but they are the exception and for most life is a painful grind. I wonder if my sister is right, and that I can only solve the problem of my disorder only by not procreating.

[bizi]

I can relate to you...I swore to not have any children because I can barely take care of myself how could I take care of a child????
being bipolar 1 means you have had a true manic episode which is for the most part very scarey and real and difficult to control when in the throws of the episode. The fact that you can objectely talk about this means alot. do you have a significant other to help raise a child/ how old are you and do you have a good therapist to offer support as well as guidance.
let us hear from you...
bizi

[Twinkletoes]

Welcome to NeuroTalk, roscoe. So glad you found us!

You've posed a really tough question. It was written beautifully, BTW.

I have a SIL who decided not to have children because of Mom-problems growing up, but I think she would have made a marvelous mother. (She has not been dxd with bipolar).

And then, as you pointed out and experienced first-hand, some women have children and then cause them so much misery. On top of that, you'd naturally worry if they'd inherit your same problems.

A relative was raised by a Mom who wasn't "there" for him. Her nightly yelling sessions with his Dad were the norm, and really traumatized him. She was sick a lot, too, and very needy.

However, he turned out to be a very thoughtful and compassionate husband to his wife, probably because of what he went through.

Where you are less affected by the bi-polar than your Mom and sister, and have a thorough understanding of how it affects you, perhaps you'd be able to raise children and be a good mother to them. Has your therapist weighed in on this question?

Best wishes to you, roscoe. I hope you will continue to post and let us know what you decide.

[Mari]

Dear Roscoe,

Contact The Foundation for Genetic Education and Counseling ---

(FGEC) is a non-profit organization dedicated to raising the understanding of human genetics and genetic medicine among the general public and their health professionals.

http://www.fgec.org/resources/bipolar.html

They help you with family history and provide counseling to help you decide on children. Call them.

http://www.scienceblog.com/community...199901299.html

For additional information, contact:
Joseph D. McInerney
joemcinerney@genetic-medicine.org
443-255-1186


First contact the FGEC.
Then think about what you want. In the post, you don't even say that you want children.

I don't have children for about 6 or 7 reasons that I worked out before my bipolar manifested. I didn't want children before bipolar and certainly did not want them after.

Its your choice.
Whatever you decide, communicate this to your life partner before you are committed to each other.

M.

[waves]

Dear Roscoe

Welcome to the board.

I appreciate your painstaking self-evaluation which speaks for itself in terms of your sense of responsibility - essential for child raising.

By all means consult with resources etc, but beware of others trying to "apply" some sort of human-darwinism to you, just because you are genetically different. I am not a man but i have had some 'looks' when it came to the child thing and bipolar. It sounds like you are able. It also sounds like you are well-informed and experienced enough to help a child who turned out bipolar get help sooner than later, and learn to adapt better, relate better. I know a couple bipolar moms who are just fine. a close friend of mine is, she has 3 kids... the eldest are currently attending the best universities and with early admission.

you might want to make lists to help you if you are a listy person. the max number of items list doesn't have to win - i mean, your thoughts and feelings (and fears) might get more organized in your head...

1. why do i want to have children?
2. why do i not want to have children?
.... and if fears emerge... attempt to address them. some may not be so unspeakable, or unfixable. some may even be unrealistic.


if you have a life partner alrready, or prospective one, you should talk to her too... but, since women (esp. at certain ages) tend to be statistically and biologically biased towards pro-procreation i'd say get your own thoughts and feelings clearer to yourself before this talk.

the answer has to come from inside.

keep posting as you progress, or if you wish to share other things...
we will listen and dialog with you.

~ waves ~

[Jaspar]

There are many reasons for having the symptoms that are diagnosed as bipolar disorder. Even when there is a strong genetic component, which genes can differ from family to family, and there are environmental, or "epigenetic" contributors. We do not have crystal balls and even someone without bipolar can have a child who does, and vice versa.

I would NOT base my decision based on nebulous genetics since in this case there does not seem to always be a definite outcome based on such. Rather, I would base it only on the immediate family's capability of providing a loving, stable, nurturing, environment for the child. Base the decision on whether or not YOU can be a good parent.

Educate yourself to minimize the adverse environmental influences that can contribute to the child's health and well-being.

Here are some books that might be beneficial to read in that regard, (forewarned is forearmed) and best of luck to you:

A Compromised Generation: The Epidemic of Chronic Illness in America's Children
Our Toxic World: A Wake Up Call
It's not Mental
The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them

[roscoe]

Thanks everybody for your responses. To answer Bizi's question:

do you have a significant other to help raise a child/ how old are you and do you have a good therapist to offer support as well as guidance.

No I am single, and 26 years old. I do not have a therapist as I haven't found one I work well with. I tend to be thrifty, so a therapist has to be really good for me to keep going to them.

Mari my family history is fairly well-documented, so a genetic counsellor could help. Thank you for the resources.

Jaspar, thank you for the encouraging words. My family does have a history of mental illness that spans generations, so it would only be prudent to consider genetic factors.

[Mari]

Originally Posted by Jaspar

I would NOT base my decision based on nebulous genetics since in this case there does not seem to always be a definite outcome based on such.

Hi, Jaspar,

Science has not identified the combo of bipolar genes that might turn on to manifest bipolar. My link was not about genes.

The link is to a group that helps people make informed decisions with professional help. The decision of course is still up to the individual and his or her partner.

M.

[Mari]

Roscoe,

Do you want children at some point?

Are you thinking about this because you are thinking about a partner who might want to have children with you??

M.

[Dmom3005]

First if nothing else you can always remember there is always
a way to have children. Its called adoption. Its not always
easy. But it can be done.

My sister and her husband are both bi-polar but will be great parents.
And they are waiting to adopt.

Donna