Mari, thanks for this thread... you put into words my dailt feelings...

Let me join the club...

I took keep thinking about my life before and after my eye surgery, my fibromialgia, my depression, my hypothiroidism, my bipolarity... everything came at the same time... or maybe one thing produced the other one, or maybe some were already there and the other one triggered it... anyway, I tend to remember my life so simple... so happy... sometimes I do realise I might be just idealising my past and... to be honest, sometimes I feel like before this lovely episodes of my life, I was only surviving and now, Im living... does that make sense or not at all ??

When I have bad days I seriously start wondering why me, why now, etc... but when I have a good day, I appreciate it much more... I have learnt several things due to all this crap and appreciate things much more than before...

Life now is like living in a roller coaster... before, it was like just being in a horizontal line... the first one is more complex, but funnier... the second was easier, but so boring...

Now, I too think you dont appreciate or realise all the stuff you do and the important you are... I LOVE YOU ! I mean, I always remember you, what you have told me, the moments you have rescued me... I dont know what I would do without you !!

Forgive me for not understanding as well as I would like.
What do you mean when you say the meds hindered your ability to be useful?
Did they cloud your thinking....motivation....creativity....which I have heard at times?
ARe you seeing a talk therapist?
If organization and/or creativity are affected, could you reduce them a ltitle w/ help from the doc?
Or what about getting a life coach for some help with certain things?
I'm sorry things are a bit "off" at the moment.
Wishing you well...hang in there Mari!

Dear Vowel Lady,
It is kind of you to ask what is going on. Things are hard all the time.

I'm been on the meds for 23 years. When I started with them, they killed opportunities for me . . . Now I am mourning the loss of not having advanced in my career. Often the meds make it hard for me to work at all. I do have a job, but it takes 150% of my effort to get out of bed and drive there safely. Thank goodness, I can do some work from home and only have to be at work three days for some weeks.

I have zero creativity. Across the board cognitive skills are very low. I can barely pay attention to a tv show or write a note like this on a message board. I get my work done by pushing through --- causing lots of stress.
Sometimes I try to post pone work until I have a few hours /moments in the week here and there when my brain is at least working at 70%. I feel most alive in those rare 70% moments.
Yes, organization is impaired. Sometimes, I pick up clothes off the floor to wear.
My brain is soooo cloudy.

The worst part is that my stress level is high from having to try so hard every day.


Yes, I am seeing a talk therapist.

M

having a stroke did not help you in the least.
I am sorry you struggle so.
love you
bizi

Bizi,
What I described above was before the stroke -- every day since 1988 when the first pdoc put me on meds.

The 2009 stroke made some new difficulties like you say.


M

Yeah, I understand the meds thing... They help with something but give us side effects in return... Like, they help me with the pain but give me mental fog...

Hi,

I was clear headed for half a day because work buddy and I had a victory at work. The mood and fog seem to go together. When the mood is good, the fog lifts.

The fog is back and I am depressed.

M.

I am sorry that the fog is back....
glad that you had a good half day.
sleep when you can this weekend.
maybe you can go to the beach,
the moon is still fairly good size.
bizi

Dear Mari. i am glad you had good moments, the victory, and a good half day. i wish you many more half days.

does your pdoc know this... is it anywhere near the forefront of his brain and can he be reminded? since the fog started before you started working with this pdoc, i can see it being just a part of the scenery. this correlation could be important - and it might be something he can bring some light into.

second i would point out to him that you have lived with the fog this long because perhaps at one time you felt it was the least of two evils and now are reevaluating. you can print out some of your posts or parts. like the one about the 150% of your effort to drive to work, etc.... point out QOL stuff.

you could discuss a taper period with him as a trial. if you decide to do this. you will have to do 1 med at a time. you may see improvement with a simple reduction in the verapamil. but if not, i'd probably keep that on board, and take the benzo out first, despite the time it will take. at your dosage, for a smooth ride, i'm figuring 2 years. it took me 8 months to get off 2mg of something about half as strong. and i could get my stuff in drops which made it easier to taper by miniscule decrements. you could also taper only to a lower dose, and see if you can get to feel ok anxiety wise, but less foggy. i wonder if your tdoc can help you with anxiety using non-chemical means also.

you do know the benzo's kinda poop out requiring perpetual increase... if your current dose used to help you feel ok and is not covering your anxiety now, i really only see two roads... gently remove it from the picture or keep increasing. but the latter, after 23 years, will only worsen cognitive impairment, and not increase future options.

something good: i've read however that the 'impairment' caused by taking benzo's "longterm" (> 10 years) is reversible. it's a long haul and a big hassle to get off it, but depending how you feel now, it maybe worth it.

i've come off certain drugs before and gone wow, i have my mind back. it's wonderful. neurontin is an example... it gives fog... and a general removed-ness.... weird. i feel for those who must take high doses for fibro and have those side-effects.

~ waves ~

Hi,

Pdoc and I tried to lower the Verapamil . I got anxious and agitated.

I have made various careful attempts to lower the Klonopin.


The pdoc is aware that I am depressed. Sixteen months ago we started trying anti-depressants to replace the Wellbutrin that we dropped a few years ago. The side effects are a problem.

M.