Hi,

I went to a place in my brain where I remembered what my life was like before bipolar meds killed any chance of being useful on this planet.


I remembered that I had dreams for myself. I can't even remember what that freeeking dreams were. I know that I had them.

The dreams were not about saying thanks each morning that I woke up stable enough to move through the day.

What a depressing way to start each day.
I end the day the same way -- thankful that I am functioning.

You know what? I think that I bore myself.

M

Bigh, big sigh.



i hear you. i have some thoughts on that, i just wanted to send you the hug ASAP.

~ waves ~

this is a powerful statement. it carries many many premises, such as:
"i am not useful on this planet"
"the meaning of useful"
"i have no growth potential"
"the meaning of potential"
"i have no direction"
etc

but the statement starts out positive:
i hear a kind of, i remember:
-- those things and then some are inside me

"so i am back to the velvet underground, back to the floor that i love...."[Stevie Nicks - Gypsy]i know what you mean.

i've gone off meds several times and gone back on. that's what i intend to do. i will have periods on meds and periods off. when i feel stable enough and in a stable situation, i will come off meds again. i hope then to get rolled some good dice in terms of situation, and maybe acquire some skills, wisdom, internal ways of dealing.... you know......... so that if i get hit by a wave again, sure i can go on meds, but maybe i won't feel the hit so hard.....may be i can train my brain....

but sure i'll use meds.
and sure, i'll quit 'em too when i don't feel well-served by them.

yeah. and they teach us to lower the bar. it's hard to do that. to accept a loss of strength and range of skills. limitations upon limitations on one's choices for becoming. i see my parents going through that with aging. in that sense we will all experience it but some of it experience it sooner by way of anomalies or trauma.

yes, i think your morning and evening routines could use a little spice. you have more to give thanks for than that you are functioning.

in your posts, i hear you appreciate:
...... your parner, despite ordinary marital incidents you have a partner who cares about you and who will protect you.
...... your work, you love your students and working with them
...... food. especially soups simmered in a crockpot for a long time
...... rapport with other people, especially a peaceful harmonious one.

well that's a start. i know it's kinda general and kinda specific. haha.

i think it might be quite common at our age to feel bored. some folks even change careers mid-life because of it. i might do that, but it would not be because of boredom.

maybe you could think about some small ways to change your life to ... give some things a bit of a face lift.... just doing a routine thng differently once or twice, to break the monotony. see what happens. might end up with whole new rhythm... so to speak...

-------------------

to what extent does the Verapamil have a sedating/slowing effect on you? does it have cognitive effects? For how many years have you used benzos now - has it been a decade?

Dear mari,
I think that you don't give yourself enough credit for all of the work you do for your students. That is very challenging work. you are there for them and are making lasting impressions upon them. They will remember you forever. You are very important to them.
your team needs you, your work buddy whom you have teamed up with on certain projects is very grateful for you. your hubby is enriched because of you. these are huge accomplishments.
you provide invaluable support to me here on these forums. I appreciate you so much.
You are a good woman!

I wish I were not so dependant on my meds...they help keep me stable even so, I still have manic periods. thank goodness they help me to sleep.
wish you had a better sleep pattern, that is depressing in and of itself.

I don't have dreams either, My business is down again this year...this is bad news for us....I need to take some sort of action....I wish we would win the lottery so I wouldnot have to worry about money....
bizi

Hi Bizi and Waves,

Verapamil causes depression and cognitive dulling. So does Klonopin.
If I am a few hours late with the Verapamil, I get anxious.


With those two meds I can't do much with numbers. I can't even keep a grade book or follow a logical argument. This was before the stroke.

After the stroke two years ago I have not been able to read books --- only re-read books that I have already read.

I'm disappointed that I have spend years (two decades now) trying to compensate for my limited mental energy.

M

"I went to a place in my brain where I remembered what my life was like before bipolar meds killed any chance of being useful on this planet."
OMG-you have helped me so much Mari- I can't imagine all the other people you have helped.You might not think you are high functioning but your posts show that you are. You probably were brighter and faster and sharper before the meds but you are so way above average now. I wish you felt better
appreciative bobby

i second that!

and, Bobby, so well put, thank you.

Mari, you are a candle that softens dark nights, and lights stepping stones for those around you. keep your flame aglow.

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,

Thank you.
I wonder why I wrote "useful."

That is probably something I can to talk to tdoc about.

I don't really need to be useful. I don't remember agreeing to that or signing a contract to be useful. Maybe useful came from my childhood. The idea is not helping me anymore . . if it ever did.

I can drop thinking about the need to be useful --- esp. since it seems to be causing me a great deal of pain.


M

Hi Mari,

I know exactuly how you feel.
Several years ago while I was being "treated" like you . I had a eye opener.
I use to love to work out and ride my bike. Hadnt ridden in a few years due to lack of ambition. I took it out and could barely ride five miles.
I soon left my treatment and devoted more time in what Ive been talking about here.Its been about thirteen years now .had only a few setbacks of which were my own fault as I sabatoged the method.
Ride my bike often now but i now have parkinson and Its not as good.
I do know one thing. You have to belive and practice what I have been instructed to do or you will have setbacks and need outside care

let me know if I can be of any help.

John

Hi John.

Exercise is maybe the greatest med for all sorts of things, when we're up to it. My very 1st "high" was as a kid taking dance. Sadly so many things make the kind of exercise that's therapeutic difficult...some meds...age...weight..disease.

It's worth trying to get back there tho, but how? Maybe it's ambition that holds us back, but sometimes there's something behind that. Don't know.

Trouble is, exercise can cause injuries when we push things. I'm always hesitant to say that will power alone is to blame. Sometimes our bodies just can't go from A to B directly anymore.

Edward Albee has a line in Zoo Story that never made sense to me till I was older:
"Sometimes it's necessary to go a great distance out of one's way in order to come back a short distance, correctly."

I think that's what life's like for folks with health issues.

But yes, I still get a high when I'm dancing, for a few seconds now & then. Stays with me for days!