Chaos

waves · 07-24-2011, 06:33 PM

Dear Jude

you cracked me up so much. i want to respond more now but something is working ... i did bump the gabapentin to 450 so maybe that... that or the migraine + med i had to take another dose of as well... ick.

Quote:

I'm not sure I even know what "normal" is tho.

thanks you!

(((hugggg)))

i assure you though... nahh... you know it's true... some people do - or think they do. they have a clear cut concept of normal, and their buddies fit clearly within that classification. too often i've heard said... "that's just not normal!!!

" maybe it happens more here. but seems like it isn't completely tied to culture. just different cultures have more/less acceptance in different areas. so such comments come out in different contexts, or so i think. but i'm not a sociologist or anything.

sorry about the tinnitus... i get that when i take too much aspirin, or the very occasional spell at night that's never been explained.

interesting your music-on-loop mantra suggestoin. whoever said a mantra had to be verbal. hmmm... that opens up other possibilities too... a visualization... channeling a state throuhg other senses. i wonder how hard it would be to construct something through sense of touch. i wonder if that is the equivalent of when Mari's T suggested she imagine being wrapped in a white cloak. to me that implies safety/purity.

i used to focus, on the way to work, on the feeling of being a rock, or a crystal, or ice if i felt like water... freeze it.... stuff like that. perhaps that is a version of this too.

sometimes when i was in a bad way somehow, i would envision my core as a hard black rock. impenetrable, immovable, unscatheable. solid and stolid, and not least.... decidedly dark. the crystal one was a more positive but not achievable in dark state.

rambling. i'll follow up on the rest of your post tomorrow night if i may.

love & hugs backatcha

~ waves ~

Mari · 07-25-2011, 12:23 AM

Hi,

I wish I could pass out stickie notes for everyone so we could keep smiling.

M

OhKay · 07-25-2011, 01:34 PM

Dear Waves,

I hope you've been able to make the call and get your meds. It's great that your mum is going to help out!

I'm exhausted all the time, but neurontin doesn't sedate me at all. I hope it helps with the migraines tho. Do you have to see a new doc in order to get more of that sleep med?

I'm glad that your posts aren't garbled (I had no problem reading this thread), but they do sound speedy to me. When you were fully manic a couple of months ago, they were extremely hard to read and nonsensical at times.

Please don't be mad at me, I'm just being honest...
I think you're on your way to mania right now. What you're describing is exactly how I start out, aside from the 911's.
I hope you'll contact pdoc and nip this in the bud now.

I love you and hope you feel better soon

Kay

waves · 07-25-2011, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OhKay

I'm exhausted all the time, but neurontin doesn't sedate me at all. I hope it helps with the migraines tho.

i used it a couple years ago at 1200mg/day for migaine and it worked ... it takes several weeks to really help though... i hope i don't lose my job before then.... arghh. it doesn't sedate me either after about the 4th night on a monodose starting at 300mg, then 600, then it's hi ho the dairy-o again. this time it didn't work for sedation AT ALL, even the first night.

Quote:

I'm glad that your posts aren't garbled (I had no problem reading this thread), but they do sound speedy to me. When you were fully manic a couple of months ago, they were extremely hard to read and nonsensical at times.

this is helpful feedback. i AM glad i am intelligible!!! yes, i don't think i'd be able to work a properly if i were more up... although sometimes it seems to me like things are clear to me but too sped up or two broad for others and that can be a sign of trouble when the 'others' are also intelligent ppl... i seem to overwhelm them! i see pdoc tomorrow night. he's been on vaca... i have to make it somehow since in two weeks i leave - obvisouly not if if i'm non-negotiably sane or living on icepacks shades and NSAIDs.

i don't know what to throw myself at or what to throw at myself, you know. i did not lose the zyprexa weight - i gained about 20lbs and i should say gained BACK because that was weight i had put on in 2004 - again with stupid Zyprexa, so am unwilling to take more until i lose some weight. this is close to the highest amt of Depakote i've been on and it's probably a miracle i'm not gaining... losing is impossible. especially having to eat with the damm migraine pills.

Quote:

Please don't be mad at me, I'm just being honest...
I think you're on your way to mania right now. What you're describing is exactly how I start out, aside from the 911's.

no not mad. and the 911s i know are not part of your scenario... (you're more one for skeletal cats, eh?

) ... but it is mine... when i read omens... interpret things... it can progress into paranoia or other thought disorder which can fuel the mood stuff. so far though i've been in this "in-between" state for a while. keeping everything the same, it would eventually peter out i think. but pdoc agreed with me we should not change any med for risk of mania last we talked about it (and he doesn't even know about the omens this time). he may want to raise my depakote AGAIN where i want to reduce it... sigh...

Quote:

I love you and hope you feel better soon

thank you Kay, for your frank feedback and kind words.

love

~ waves ~

waves · 07-25-2011, 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mari

Hi,

I wish I could pass out stickie notes for everyone so we could keep smiling.

M

this pic made me want to jump up and down...

except my head would HURRRRTTTTT even more if i did htat...

ahhh what a lovely colorful pic you picked!

TANKYOU TANKYOU TANKYOU!!!! (((HUGS)))

~ waves ~

Mari · 07-30-2011, 03:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waves

i used to focus, on the way to work, on the feeling of being a rock, or a crystal, or ice if i felt like water... freeze it.... stuff like that. perhaps that is a version of this too.

sometimes when i was in a bad way somehow, i would envision my core as a hard black rock. impenetrable, immovable, unscatheable. solid and stolid, and not least.... decidedly dark. the crystal one was a more positive but not achievable in dark state.

Hi, Waves and Judelauren.
A mantra that works on a loop or with the sense of touch sounds good. I wonder how I would come up with something like that.

I want to comment on hard black rock. I am pretty sure that my tdoc would help someone move off that to something else. In hypnosis, she has asked me to identify a bad feeling / pain, assign a color and shape to it, wrap it up, and toss it/ throw it in a rolling river. I don't think we are supposed to hold on to (maybe nurture?) the idea of darkness inside. "Supposed" to and what we "need" are two different things of course. And tdoc has not suffered from bipolar as far as I know.

I can see how one might start off with the dark core and move off it.
Maybe that is analogous to my listening to head banging rock when I was in horrible mixed states. I needed to find something to match my mood. The music would settle me down. After two songs or up to half an album (old days), I would fall asleep. If I were still awake, I could move to a few levels away to less intense music on a different album.

Perhaps visualizations / mantras and so on, work best when we plan and then practice them while we are in a good state. That might be a little like doing muscle relaxation. The process works when we are in difficulty but it works best when we use it, learn it, practice it routinely so that we can use it as a tool when we are in distress.

. .. . some thoughts anyway.

I think the yellow sun can work in the core. If you went purple maybe you were in touch with the third eye and with your spiritual side.
Black can mean power. Black shows up at funerals because it is protective, This web site mentions what can be black's meaning in the tarot:
http://www.mysticalpedia.com/color/c...lism-black.php

Quote:

and is structured, disciplined and responsible. So, while it can be limiting, it is also a color of protection, power and sophistication.

Quote:

the blackness of our winter is also from where our lives experience rebirth with renewed understanding from the depths of our ku (subconscious). It is that blackness which allows us to go deep inside ourselves and grow.

Tdoc uses white for protection. I'm still getting used to that. I might pick a different color if I were working on my own -- like blue.
M.

waves · 07-30-2011, 06:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mari

I don't think we are supposed to hold on to (maybe nurture?) the idea of darkness inside.

i think if we take a dualistic moment here, we all have "light" and "dark" inside. how we use them is a different kettle of fish. for me the black rock was a sort of Darth Vader mode. often used when there was much anger (as with Vader), but it is encapsulated in the rock, inside. it is not exposed. but it is forceful and capable of withstanding almost anything. my last job, for some reason, i was not able to use this... i tried... maybe as you say, Mari... i was unpracticed at it because i had not used such a technique in 7 years.

Quote:

Maybe that is analogous to my listening to head banging rock when I was in horrible mixed states. I needed to find something to match my mood.

Yep. but at work, while programming. audio shield and Vader reinforcer.

Quote:

Perhaps visualizations / mantras and so on, work best when we plan and then practice them while we are in a good state.

yes, John who posted the various CBT tools also stated this.

Quote:

Black can mean power. Black shows up at funerals because it is protective, This web site mentions what can be black's meaning in the tarot:
http://www.mysticalpedia.com/color/c...lism-black.php

interesting.

well, black works for me in that way and more when i'm seriously messed up on the down or mixed/side. a lot of what this was about - using these visualizations, was hiding from ppl what was really going on, being able to control myself "just enough," and being able to do it for 8-10 hours in a very stressful job where i was pulled from all sides phone ringing and is it ready yet. Black Sabbath i always found to be good integrative therapy. Beat the sh** out of those drums and gimme some good low basslines.

On the light side, i like Alex De Grassi and a couple other new age artists.

Quote:

Tdoc uses white for protection. I'm still getting used to that. I might pick a different color if I were working on my own -- like blue.

See, i would definitely pick black even just for protection. Blue is useful for other things. i sometimes wear all dark blue - interestingly - when i don't feel like standing out. Black or blue are ok for that, but blue is more muted....... it is a staple for pure but not disabling or mixed depression, on weak (not week, well that too) days, when i needed to draw as little attention as possible.

i think we each have to pick what feels right... what matches us and when. i don't think one color fits all ....

john1947 · 07-30-2011, 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waves

i can't describe it.

irritable irascible. but also tired and restless. and the latter two SIMULTANEOUSLY.

i get told off/pushed back for being audacious/loud. parents constantly telling me keep it down. at work its a strain not to keep an undercurrent of verbage flowing... all the other noises filter in.... and that's annoying enough though - others' noises annoy me. or should i say annoise me.

couple times forgot to take meds and man. but even when i take them. i feel like ever since the manic spell months ago i have leveled but it's almost like there's this chomping at the bit... either i'm so exhausted i've the wind knocked out of me or i'm too revved in spite of all the crap i take and even the as-needed add-ons.

i need to lower my meds to lose weight. i just ran out of my sleep med abruptly and can't replace it for a few months. from past experience, i am afraid this will have a really activating effect.

i often get depressed in the spring but other than some dips and reactions to work... i didn't even get the major depressive crash i expected after being medicated out of being high. all i had was major fear and depressive sx tied to the work situation... and now i don't feel level but i don't think i'm real manic or depressed.

what is worse i need to lower my meds so i can add a decent dose of gabapentin for migraine prevention again - i have been having far too many and i could lose my job over it (AGAIN). that reminds me i should pick it up today i can start it to help get me through not having the sleep thing.

i hate taking all these drugs. i hate hate hate hate hate hate it.

of course i don't want to end up getting manic, getting really really really up on a high horse and quitting my job because someone or something ****** me off (AGAIN... it would be the THRID time

)

2 more weeks then i have 2 off, but i'm stressing over a trip too... psyched and bewildered and just how am i gonna get it all together.

most of the time i feel both tired and exceedingly restless. my mind won't shut up. i have been doing my work but i don't know how well. i know i had another spell where i spilled a deluge of ideas at my boss who shook his head the way a dog shakes water off after a swim in the sea and said wait wait wait wait. that happened at the other job once - that boss was the mean one and he said he "couldn't do this" and ran with a pen and pad to another room.

i am getting more aggressive and i don't mean assertive. it goes in waves... not constant, and anxiety comes and goes. i feel like i'm in a whirlwind and stuck at the same time.

sorry if this doesn't make any sense or seems to go back and forth. i have suicidal thoughts but not intent. it's just, i want this to stop.

i want a normal, peaceful day where i don't feel like i'm possessed or something.

is that too much to ask????

~ waves ~

Hi Waves,

Im sure you have a past experience of what you are going through now.
Ask yourself has working yourself up done you any good.
I to get worked up and also suffer self torture.But one thing I avoid is using my muscles in anyway when I do get irritated,disappointed,provoked,or just plain unsettled.
If you do this your self torturous symptoms will not gain strength and you will see the benefit.

Intellect must always control emotion.

Best john

Alffe · 07-30-2011, 08:08 AM

"Intellect must always control emotion."

Easier said than done sometimes.

Dmom3005 · 07-30-2011, 10:12 AM

Okay I have to say:

I have no intellectual side, when I get all emotional.

So its not a given for me.

Donna

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