This sounds really good.

Although it seems to clash with what you were mulling over as the potential cost of quitting this job in an earlier post ("How's this for passive-aggressive?" in Work on Monday - don' wannna - "allergic" to job.

OMG, ~ waves ~

I guess I just got it. My tummy just flipped.

WoW. May I offer this EditorialComment on your behalf?

LOLOL CG....

well but you see, if THEY terminate the contract early (fire me) - they'd have to give ME notice... OR.... just boot me, but with an extra month's pay.

you figure if i go to work and just am like, real laid back instead of freaking and stressing and act non-chalant when i get chewed out.... that it might do the trick? what's the point of paying someone who can't keep the pace... and their pace is heavy... at that point scales might tip in their favor to just pay me a month fer nothin' instead of paying me 5 more fer almost nothin' ... yeah?

i'm wicked. sue me.

only issue is i'd have to get them to fire me fast - without getting arrested in the process... LOL.
maybe i could just go in stinky for a week... like real bad. buy some dedicated shoes and wear dogdoo into the office daily???

coz there aren't too many of these courses i need. there's like 2-3 a year and some are more intensive which i don't think i can handle. so far i've only found one that's diluted and it starts in october. funny how that gives me a month.... eh...

~ waves ~

Waves,
You asked for ways to think through this -- to intellectualize it. I don't know what other way to make a decision other than
1. feel it in the body
2. think it through by making plans

That's all I got. I usually want to be in control. I am lost when I wait for something to happen and let the decision be made for me. It's not so much about being risk averse. It's about piloting my own boat.

I disagree with your mother 100%, This is either an intellectual or gut decision or combination of the two for you. Let's say that the guy really is a marvelous example of person hood for the whole planet to emulate. That is not relevant. Drop him when you are ready.

You probably mentioned somewhere else that your parents would like you to keep the job. This is for their reasons. They probably have valid feelings about their own needs for you and for themselves, but those are not useful / related to any discussion about the guy who hired you.

Forget about how much money he makes off you. Let him get rich. As a businessman, he's entitled to as much of his share as he can work to his advantage. His character / personality /way he uses you is not relevant to your topic at hand.

What is relevant is that you can be a shark about your own life. You can work the situation to your advantage so that you have a net gain.

Bingo. This is the important part. You want a different job.

Maybe don't think of this as taking risk. You are making business decisions for the now and for the future.

Maybe talk to your body. Thank it. Ask it to help you. Work with it as you would a good colleague. Here you sound like you and your body are at odds. I could be reading that wrong --- that totally would not be the first time!!

Waves, whether you choose or let something happen, either way, you are going to land in the right spot for you.

Mari

Waves


Mari, digested it very well for you.

My thoughts are that your body, may be trying to tell you that
its necessary to give this job up. Its time to go out and get
this started to get a teaching job. So I would Give this some
thought.


I would also remember your parents, are worried about you.

I can honestly see there side. I'm thinking they are more worried
that you are just not wanting or can follow through keeping a job.

So I think maybe explaining to your mom, about the fact that
you need to start the class in October.

I honestly know that if my son Devin, came and explained this to
me I would understand.
Donna

That is pretty powerful. Admirable. right now i feel like i'm piloting, but where i'm going is not in tune with what i want. it's more about how much fear of change/risk has been hammered into me. i know only i can break free of that. so far, i haven't been able to. i admire ppl who can/do.

i guess i wasn't so much trying to ask for ways to intellectualize... that was intended as a response to your telling me NOT to, and i guess i don't draw the lines so much, but maybe i need to be more aware of them. when i feel things, i might say i feel "in my mind" and to me it's still a feeling, and distinct from a thought. but it might not be so much about the body.

i am starting to wonder about the somatization, and the location of pain and other troubles in my body as attempts to "talk life" to me. i do agree i am being "thinky" to a large degree. so i probably need to work on understanding the body more. my pdoc does not know how to do this and is very thinky. his limit seems to be to agree that i could be somatizing, i.e. feelings expressed through body. he doesn't seem to be able to go places with that.

thank you for your support and understanding regarding the relationship with the contractor and my folks' input. you are helping drive some points through to me. i was getting all tangled up like spaghetti, both in thought and feeling. especially lots of feelings of guilt, loyalty, debt, deferral, submissiveness, fear of dependence... list goes on.

actually i meant i feel resistance towards my job. to an extent, my body and mind are BOTH saying "NO, i hate this, stop doing this, don't go in tomorrow, fk them all and stay home, go hide in a convent, just quit, eat a month's pay, anything but that office...." and i HAVE felt this before, not done anything to change directions, and landed bad places (depression, medical leave, migraines, anxiety, panic, thought disorder, remergence of foot injury, back pain, neck pain... erhmmm). but yes, it is the mind that is going to make me show up tomorrow. if i were to just follow my gut, i'd not show up, not call, and not answer the phone. nobody would know because the boss isn't there. i don't know if i could live down the looks in my folks' eyes...

my psyche also tells me things in dreams sometimes, although it seems to be very busy lately and things are not as clear to me. i used to have recurrent "out of control" dreams about driving. driving is something i love, and part of that is about control. i loved the feeling of the car as an exoskeleton. but in my dreams i'd be driving and couldn't reach brakes, or couldn't see outside, or car would not respond to commands, etc... my inner and outer selves were out of sync, specifically the inner could not control the outer and i was in danger. one of the last dreams before these stopped was i was swamped. the car dreams overlapped with my (then also recurrent) water dreams. i was in my car and it was flooded halfway up the door, inside and out. parked on a submerged wooden deck and not going anywhere. literally sitting duck.

perhaps i misinterpreted the car dreams. perhaps the driver was the inappropriate one... perhaps i the message was more about being excessively controlling. that in real life, i was holding myself (my car) back. in the dreams, even though i could not control it - i never got hurt. i never hit the wall i couldn't break for. i never drove off the road when i had no visibility... interesting, huh?

hmmm... i have always agreed with this:

If you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
(Rush: Free Will)

but i also feel that following the gut, for me, is like following the current... or letting myself go with the current. the "current" is a metaphor for instinct to me... and that i have never released myself to that. because it was too much of a risk. and that was partly intellectualized, and partly weighted emotionally by guilt, fear etc (see list above).

keep fantasizing about playing hooky from work tomorrow.

mom asked what time i set my alarm. i said i don't know. i muttered i don't care underneath my breath. i don't think she heard me - good.

i am starting to feel a huge void in my stomach. it is drawing me in.

i wonder if the tick tock clockwork will kick me into action, and shove me kicking and silently screaming into the office tomorrow. i don't want it to. i want to take enough pills that will knock me out past noon. and i have them too.

of course it would not be proper not to show: i have an obligation, i signed a contract, it would be immature... bla bla bla. i am hardly caring about those things any more.

i feel a deep melancholy and it is growing, enveloping me.

~ waves ~

Waves,

Save yourself.
Do whatever you need to do to be better.


I've been thinking about the former officemate of mine who tried to take his own life. He took all of his pills for bipolar on a Tuesday so he would not have to deal with his classes on a Wednesday. He's been on my mind because I kept two items of his in the office: a dictionary and a poster that I had framed. My current officemate and I have been talking about that poster. I need to move it out (throw it away) to make room for her stuff. For years people have been asking me for updates about him. I would not give them any information. I'm done with that. On Friday, when someone asked, I told him the very short version.
I last saw him about four years ago hugely depressed, anxious, and brain damaged. The last I heard, he was leaving town to stay with a relative who would help him more than his domestic partner was.

For years he felt horrible. I drove him to an ECT consultant, said nothing to people at work about his bipolar when he took short term disability for a period, and -- within appropriate boundaries -- listened to him. His pdoc was a big shot chief of psych at a major hospital and a stupid jerk.
(Sorry. These scars heal slowly.)

I'm not comparing your situation to his.
I am reminded of him.

If the job stinks so much that you are upset, you call in tomorrow and quit. Better, yet, send an email. Quit while you are still in good shape. I don't see why you have to quit after things have become messy.

M.

you have had a desire to teach for some time now...before you took the jobs you were verbalizing this desire so here you are back to your original desire. so when do you take that leap of faith and go for your desire. will you try to complete one more distasteful job after another to make money then go for your dream job? or maybe after the next one? Making money is great but you are making yourself sick...and you knew this would happen!
You are smart waves and I will love and respect you always.
Tell me how I can help.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

My wonderful, dear friend...
So here we are, pretty much where you expected to at this point.
Look at your words... This isn't right, ~ waves ~ , you know that--to be able to forecast weeks ahead of time that you'd be at such an emotionally/physically/mentally dangerous point and to go there anyway.

I suppose the only question now is, how far "past noon"?

I don't like this one bit, ~ waves ~ . Do you? I know it's easier to do nothing, but ... Really? Even now?

Can any of us do anything?

Dear Waves,

I care about you.
Stay home from work. Do what is best for you.

M