As Mari said so beautifully & to-the-point:


Dear Waves,

I care about you.
Stay home from work. Do what is best for you.

Waves

They all had valid points.

Put everything perfectly.

I'm guessing because of the time of night.

You will either go or not.

So my thoughts, are

As a Mom,


I say take your Dream, Yes your dream, because that is what it
is a Dream. To go back and get this certificate.

So you can teach.

Your parents will get on board. I don't want to hear.,

Can I do it? Yes you can do it.


Donna

thanks everyone.

don't worry i'm not going to off myself. "past noon" was intended literally, as "late enough so that by the time i woke up, got ready, and made it there on the scarce summer transit schedule, it would be pointless to show up." i didn't go in today but i didn't medicate myself past noon either. i just woke up feeling paralyzed, and then started crying, and that was pretty well it.

i decided to make eggs. eggs ground me. they are comforting and wholesome. i went to offer my dad some and ended up in a screaming argument about [his position-->] how i should just quit because i have a problem with WORK, not with COMPUTERS. i don't want to fight with my dad right now, he is going out of town tonight, for a while. i said, eggs or no eggs, coz i didn't come in here to get hit when i was down. he backed off.

too late. i already imagine them to judge me. his reaction confirmed. but the problem is, it resonates with my feelings of worthlessness etc. i cried all morning (about 2 hours).

teaching is not a "Dream" it is just something i think i could connect with better. there are fewer material rewards but greater spiritual rewards. i've done it before for short periods. it is still something i'd be taking a chance on as a career move. if it doesn't work out, i might be screwed. but wondering what i have to lose at this point.

writing is another thing i'd like to do. but that's another ... erhmmm... "story? " it is closer to the "Dream." let's leave the dreams out because those will not happen. i'm ok just with getting closer to them.

------------

i still can't stomach the idea of that office [current job] despite the fact that i will have to pay back a month's gross (more than i actually see, in one month) unless i resign now AND stay another month. i am so upset i don't know what to do.

yes, i want to deal by email. be as vague as possible - fluff up in nice words something that, bottom line, says "i found something better, as of NOW... SEEYYYA!" i have plenty of past samples to draw on.

-------------

i will no longer be able to pay my pdoc and cannot ask him to see me for free again. last time i saw him i told him i was slip-sliding into lows. i may be headed for a depression. the other night i dreamt i saw him, and he told me to start taking 750mg Zoloft. i'm guessing the psyche added the extra 0 for emphasis coz that isn't a realistic dose, but 75mg is.

~ waves ~ trying to break shackles, or at least rattling the chains on them... loudly

whatever you are you are definitely not worthless....that is totally crazy thinking...you are so gifted and so giving. you are bipolar and as a result problems arise from it. your parents certainly don't help. i understand about fears. fears plague me and i long for answers. we have to take risks and deal with change. stress is the worse thing for bipolars. helps comes when you least expect it. i believe that whole heartedly. i hope you continue to see your doctor even if you can't pay him. the spiritual is far more important than the material imho.
please take good care of yourself and go for it
love you
bobby

Thank you, dearest ~ waves ~ , for just staying home. No pills. One very excellent choice--Thank you. & eggs! A very wise, healthy choice--a second good one. Offering to share them... Well, parents can be like that.

Bobby's right, this is no time to quit seeing the doc. He's been there so much for you in the past, & to not go now... Don't know: would that be typical bi-polar logic? Isn't he the logical one to talk out the specifics with?

BTW, speaking of teaching... You are a good teacher, at least one-on-one. Since your tutorial on lost postings, I haven't lost any!

Look at Bobby's note to you often. It is insightful & true (you've probably noticed that if someone says something well & briefly, I quote them. I'm lazy--but also, tho I can express myself fairly well, I'm never brief.).
Could you print out all the things that people on NT whom you've come to respect have said about you, put it in a notebook? Use that to counteract what your parents do to your self worth.

Is it possible where you are to work for yourself? I have friends who've taught English 1-on-1 to citizens in countries in which they've lived as Americans overseas. They made barely enough to live on, but still enough. Just a thought.

& love & concern.
Hang in there!

it's NOT like i get to CHOOSE whether i can see my pdoc for FREE. his services are NOT FREE. HE OFFERED to see me for free before, when i was unemployed and in bad shape. he did that for 4 years.

i will tell him i am back to joblessness and he will either offer to continue seeing me OR NOT. if he doesn't i will tell him that i will be in touch if i get some kind of pad-job, like substitute teaching. in that case i will still be able to see him every so often. otherwise i'm SOL unless i switch to state services which are limited (duration-wise as well i believe).

my parents WERE giving me a SMALL allowance before but not enough to see him even once a month. i did ask them to help with pdoc and they said NO. if i do formally quit this job i don't know if they will even give me that "pocket money" again, because i don't think they appreciate how messed up i am getting. they aren't rich. it's already a lot that they feed me. and i can't run myself out of what little i've stacked up in the bank to see pdoc. there isn't a lot saved -- mostly because i've been spending ON PDOC!!!!! it would run out very fast even if decreased frequency, and then, no pdoc AND no money for cert classes.

i do not want to be self-employed. yes it is possible but just the thought of it stresses me out.

i still haven't formally quit. i am looking into a medical "suspension" which may be applicable even to contractual work. if it lasts long enough, the contractor will have the right to recede, and will probably want to, but i won't have to eat any penalty. howeever i have no guarantee... and i have to get medical paperwork... things could get really dragged out. i want to talk to pdoc about this.

and i read my contract. it doesn't talk about a penalty - only about giving notice. i made an assumption that failure to give adequate notice meant paying that period of time back. for all i know they could take legal action instead... this is UGLY. the info is scarse.

i have slept most of the day. i have been down and teary the parts i was awake. now i am like in this vein of sarcasm (but not the haha kind). i just feel bad.

~ waves ~

you are in a difficult position with your pdoc...of course it would be his call in offering his services to you again....
I am glad that you stayed home...give you some breathing room...and some time to think about what you want/need to do. what about a call in to pdoc about raising the zoloft i can't remember if you are on any at all right now? probably not since you were hypo fairly recently.
love to you.
bizi

Waves

I think a call to the pdoc, to see about the zoloft either way is in order.

I also think that getting that class going is next.

Then worry about the present situation.


You are one very special lady.

Donna

I ASSuMEd that history would just naturally repeat itself with the pdoc & $. Stupid. I've got to stop doing that. Okay, only you know what options are realistic and--among those--which you can live with.

You've sketched out here the things you need to find out that aren't clear in your contract. I sure hope it all works out.

hi folks

d/c'd Zoloft completely last december due to hypomania.

Ever since it's been antimanics and sedatives ONLY... NOOOOOOOOOOOO antidepressants WHATSOEVER.

Have continued to have breakthrough hypomanic/manic sx with last escalation being only 2 weeks ago. i have only just reduced depakote - to a gram from 1500mg (which is super high for me). i also have high anxiety, irritability, and mood lability over the melancholy. so if i do start to go into full blown depression it will likely be mixed/agitated. add a history of rapid cycling and mixed moods, and i think any AD would be like playing russian roulette right now. guessing pdoc would agree. my guess is he will choose not to medicate and see what happens. i think if i suggested Zoloft to him, it would probably come across as a silly joke, considering he's been trying to medicate me DOWN for about EIGHT MONTHS now... and with only limited success

i did tell pdoc last week i was starting to feel down. see him wednesday, no need to bug him other than i may change appt time if i do not go into work.

i think the zoloft dream was symbolic... i will tell him of the dream, but my guess is it was more about my FEAR of becoming severely depressed.



~ waves ~ who can take AD's... but probably not times like these