A couple of those options you would owe 1 1/2 months either way.

So I think I'd take a chance they will drop you, and go for the leave.

But I cant say for sure.

I personally think you are a rock and know what you are doing.

Donna

well, i appreciate your confidence in me Donna. but really i feel more like a mollusc with prickles stuck into me that i can't pull out.

oh, fwiw, i made a mistake - it would be 1 & 1/3 of a month i might have to pay back. still a meaningful amount.

i still don't like the idea of being hassled throughout the leave, or even during the latter half.

in theory i could ignore or defer a lot of it. but in practice, when i get a call, an email, or a text msg, it makes me fly into a screaming fit or get the shakes or burst into tears, hide under covers... etc...

i got an email THIS morning - SATURDAY - coz the jerk who was abroad is BAAACK. well since when is saturday a work day. screw that. (took me 2 hours... 3? to recover just from seeing that email.)

on monday i'll have to deal somehow. maybe send emails at like, 6 am, before anyone is in the office. and ask that replies be made via email as i am unwell and am not receiving calls. IFFF i could hold it together for a phone call w/ him, maybe it would open some unexplored options, like termination by mutual agreement, no penalties... especially if i "forewarn him" of a prolonged absence with cert to come.

--------------------------

seriously i think writing here helps me. i delete a lot. A LOTTTT. when i think in my head i can't hit backspace and my thoughts are like clothes in a fast tumble dry cycle most of the time. hard to see clearly.

i am having
-- mild racing thoughts (mild = i've had much worse),
-- high anxiety (psychological and physical sx),
-- hypersensitive to stimuli,
-- hyperreactive to others,
-- crying jags,
-- general lability,
-- reactive irritability,
-- physical restlessness,
-- mental restlessness
-- apathy is starting
-- loss of appetite/disinterest in food, and even tv...

lots of things that don't "seem" to go together.

yeah, i'm a rock. charlie babbit made a joke. haahaa. 10 minutes to wapner. yeah. i'm a rock. uh-oh.

~ waves ~

Hi, Waves,
I'm glad that you you find writing it out helpful.

Right now, I'm dealing with the cleaning lady. She's re-arranging my stuff. I'm only on here for a sec.

The bit about freaking out over an email or a text happens to me. That's when I know I need to take a break.

Yes. I think you need a "break" from that type of job.

M

I hate the way we can be a rock for others but when we try to be for ourselves we just sink.

"Sink to the bottom.
Sink directly to the bottom.
Do not past Normal.
Do not collect 200 Goodtimes in life."

But all we ever wanted was our half, right?




3 minutes to wapner.

i wish i could hug you.things eventually get better.
love
bobby

definitely sounds like mixed mood....
I am sorry.
hopefully you are getting some sleep tonight.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Just thinking of you....
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Waves,

Do you want to share about how that Monday email / call / contact might have gone?

I hope you are ok.


I hope you are feeling better in some of those areas. 'Sending you good vibes.

M

i can't sleep well i have really "busy" messed up dreams. this morning i woke up after someone in a dream woke me up and a lot of arguing and drssing undressing/getting lost on the road... etc.... because .... get this... i had to go do a photo shoot...............

for Obama!!! ?????

i got there and realized i was wearing an inappropriately short (for the temp outside - COLD) miniskirt and no shoes at all. but it was a long drive - could not go back to change. it was wholly weird. and that was just the last "slice" of dreamscape... and not the worst i've had by far.

last night i was having "loop" dreams and concurrent dreams where it was like i had multiple dreams at the same time - kept waking up. (with fullscale migraine too.)

tonight for the first time i managed 6 hours straight, despite the dreams. i was exhausted i had an unmedicated migraine today. it was mild. and yesterday when i had a bad one the meds didn't work. just got heartburn, so today i skipped that. saw pdoc.

oh i did dream, what if i went back to this job and tried to finishe the contract. woke up and went, UH-UH! then went uh-oh... started accusing myself of chickening out.

haven't been on d/t headaches and neck aches.

the contractor said to get sick leave papers and then if after that period i weren't well to write him a letter to withdraw. i went back and forth with him on that saying i didn't understand why i had to withdraw couldn't he do it or both by mutual agreement. i am confused but anyway i got a vague indication that something like that could be done and anyway he didn't seem to want to enforce any sort of penalty.

saw pdoc today. based on what emerged

-- we basically decided that sick leave via state health might be more trouble han it's worth (forces me to stay home for the duration, even though as i improve - which is the idea, right? to get BETTER??? - it would be more appropriate to start getting out again, including going to the city to desensitize. right now i am super-sensitive.
-- the alternative is a plain medical note - but pdoc said at that point why drag it out, why not just terminate now since i would not be paid anything at all. i told him the consistency deal.

since the contractor flexiable i'm going to call him today. and just tell him i am not eligible for sick compensation through the state (even my GP said he can't find out in the system, if i am eligible... only way to to find out is try and put it through. NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING HERE!!!! and toss it out to him wouldn't it be simpler for both at this poitn to terminate the contract but if so, would there be a penalty? go from there.

so that is my frearsome task today. but if he says ok it might be over sooner than expected. and it would be the best thing for me i believe.

i sort of let pdoc make this decision for me.

i cant even seem to decide what to eat. i just sort of eat whatever happens to cross my mind, my path, or gets put in front of me if someone does that.

-----------------------------
ON ANOTHER NOTE..........

i did NOT get the same impression as last time, that pdoc would see me for free between jobs.

~ waves ~