[BlueMajo]

Hello dear friends, dear family...

Im in a very bad place right now... my eyes have been bothering me again and, I thought it would be a good moment to write my story here so you can understand the hell I have created to myself and, why Im how Im...

Some of you might know and remember, but some others Im sure doesnt know my story, so yeah, Im gonna tell you my pathetic truth...

January 2008 marks a line in my existence... there is one Majo before that date, and one after... that maybe always was the same, but the first one hasnt realized...

Ok, so, I always was the "glasses girl", the one with the lazy eye... the one that couldnt see anything without her glasses on... the one with astigmatism in my family... In my daily life, my glasses wouldnt bother, but when I wanted to go to a party or bar, I would always regret needing my glasses... When I turned 15, I started to think it would be nice to get rid of my glasses, but at that time, astigmatism was inoperable... I tried hard contact lenses that I kept loosing and battling with and then returned to my glasses...

About my mood, temper and character, I was always the "psycho" of the family, the weird one... the crying one... the sad one... you name it....

In January 2008, at 25, and feeling extremely depressed because the guy I "loved" was getting married, I decided to have laser surgery to correct my vision problems.... To get rid of my glasses so guys could look at me Long story short, my surgery was a disaster... I ended with double vision because I have huge pupils and whatever, and since that day, my life has been a hell... I started to feel suicidal the whole time, depressed, guilty... I experienced horrible panic attacks... I was angry with me, for taking that decision, I was scared, sad, I thought God was punishing me...

When I was 15 too, I started to feel like I needed a psychiatrist but my parents never listened to me... after my surgery, they finally realized my reactions werent normal and took me... I started to get diagnosed... with anxiety, depression, bipolatiry, all sort of mental issues... I got medicine... therapy, etc...

So, since 2008 I have 2 problems, or 2 diagnoses, you name them: visual problem and mental issues... SWEET !!

Im a different person... I miss my past... I miss my old life... I wonder what would have happened if me, my doc and my family would have never realized I have mental issues or... maybe, if I hadnt have the eye surgery, my mental problems would have never became a "reality" ??? All those feelings keep torturing me... I feel God is angry with me because I didnt accepted me the way I was... with my glasses... I tend to think this surgery detonated my mental problems... and now Im a mess... I have all sort of problems... fibromyalgia and cysts in the ovaries, hypothyroidism too.. and I think all is due to my traumatic stress after realizing I had destroyed my eyes...

Today all this stuff comes again to my memory because I went to have an eye exam, and my graduation has changed from .50 to 1.25... more that the double... I bet this will get worse and worse every year, month or day... I will end with the same prescription I have before surgery or even worse plus the double vision and halos I have for my stupidity...

Im scared, frustrated, annoyed, sad... worried... why, why, why...

I was going to ring my ophtalmologist (I have 3 indeed) to ask if that change from .50 to 1.25 is something to worry about but Im sure he will say it is not when Im sure it is... I mean, is double the prescription... and I was 1.75 when I had stupid surgery, so.... yeah... everything for nothing... I ended with all the visual problems you can imagine, any guy looked into me, depressed, fibromyalgic and... yeah... living in hell.

Thank you for reading, I know it's a long post, but I had to... wanted to...

I love you so much.