Dear Waves,

I commiserate with you. 'Sorry that your dancing to your music did not work out Friday.
Sending hugs.

thank you Bizi and Mari.

i slept again tonight, some, but am still restless and tired simultaneously. i had weird dreams and suppressed them immediately... could not deal.

Mari i love the belly dancer, thank you.

-------------------------------

unfortunately today's outlook isn't much better.

mom up at 7. then dad up at 9 - mom left but he is cooking. he is very linear about cooking, and in any case this is a dish which requires a long process. so my guess is he probably won't be done or will only barely be done, by the time mom returns. ERGO, no privacy window.

it's a wash perhaps because i don't know if i could do it anyway. i have had a REALLY REALLY bad time of things the past few days (d/t emotional whammy) and i am so sensitive to stimuli i am keeping earplugs in. i watched a half hour of stupiTV last night, with phones over earplugs to really block out the rest. i don't know if i could do loud music.

i am so restless. i feel like my spirit is crawling around in my body trying to get out.

~ waves ~

Could you get out of the house and walk/jog in the neighborhood?this would help with your restlessness/ You could wear those ear plugs so you would just have the visual distractions to deal with.
Some fresh air would also be good for you. What is your weather like today?
bizi

i don't think so... the earplugs don't plug everything.
believe me screaming kids in the park are louder than what earplugs can plug.

i can't stand a lot of things. the cars going by will bug me. people going by. movement around me. even the light is too much - i have the shades partly drawn and even my parents have finally "got" i think from my bark-withdraw, bark-withdraw behavior that I AM A MESS so they didn't attempt to open them more than what little i did.

i want to go in a convent. only problem is i'd have to find one first - too hard.

a psych ward would still have too many uncontrollable stimuli, and i can't pay for a room, so i'd be in a ward with others..... waaaaaaay worse than at home.

i really want an "off" switch ... that i could somehow turn on again now and then to "check" if i'm ok enough yet.... sigh.

~ waves ~

wow, you sound terrible. I am sorry.
when do you see your pdoc/tdoc?
hugs to you my dear.
(((((gentle HUGS))))
bizi

thanks Bizi

i see pdoc/tdoc tuesday, probably for the last time. i will make clear to him i can't pay any more. then, we'll see. right now, in this shape getting to his office going to see him is an ordeal -- 1 hr 15 mins into/through the city is way overstim and he has already said he can't give me anything else or made other types of suggestions.

i just drank about 3 beers-worth. the last part was a liter one we tried and didn't like it.... i drank most of that because i started to feel better........

better is good............ but not in a good way, if you know what i mean.

~ waves ~

I'll drink to that!