i dunno.

today, after too little sleep for the second night, i felt sleep-deprived. i lay in bed and talked to mom ... was logorrhaeic but that is typical when i am sleep deprived. we were discussing medical stuff which ultimately got me irate. not mom, this stupid system in this stupid bankrupt country that is now policing every test you do... need funds? let's cut healthcare, no, don't reduce the politician's wages, that would be a sin! anyway.................

i felt tired and agitated. so when mom went out i slept more. then had coffee. now i just feel bummed. yesterday i was considering going out and interviewing for a part time spot at a new shopping center they are opening within walking distance.... today i am like.... not good.

so now i really do not know what to do with the Zoloft. between the devil and the deep blue sea.

-----------------------

i just had an, errhemmm, "animated disagreement" with dad who got a wild hare up his butt to clean the dingy fan that has been sitting there since summer, in the kitchen sink (a no-no) with kitchen sponge (even worse). i went and nabbed the sponge and preventively removed/hid all the dishtowels because that's what he would have dried it with (worse still). so, i brought him the bathroom sink sponge/wipey but he got mad and said he gives up left one grill soaking in the sink and the other on the table. i really want to just leave it all there and let mom "deal with him" but then she will yell, and probably at me too. it was stupid to go rip that sponge away from him since he had already started, so we will need to use a new one for the kitchen anyway.

~ waves ~ in a storm of emotions

I forget waves what was your dose at for the zoloft could you maybe halve that? instead of dropping it completely...do you think you are more rapid cycling as you get older?
sorry for the confrontation...hate them.
bizi

Dear Bizi

50 mg. i.e. not much.

no i believe this is all about medication, not age. remember you are "allergic" to SSRI's? well i can take certain ones, not others, and none without caution!!!

a manic switch, even if drug-induced would not necessarily mean rapid cycling. rapid cycling is more than 4 cycles per year. however SSRI's can sometimes induce rapid cycling - i had that for a while about 10 years ago and i think it was induced by Paxil and the subsequent AD's i was given didn't help probably. before that time, i had long cycles. then i went off meds for awhile and when i went back on i took lamictal for a few years. i slowed back down again and i think that is what helped slowed me back down again.

most recently (starting last nov/dec) i was medicated down from manic for about 9 months, with some dysphoric features/anxiety etc due to situation. last depression was last year. and i think i might not have got as manic if we had stopped the Zoloft as soon as i became more agitated and started self-medicating. that should have been a sign. it was hard to see it because there was more dysphoria at first, not a lot of euphoric type sx... those sx came in later and by that time i was riding my own chemicals.

i left my pdoc a message to call me but he didn't. i don't know if he will tomorrow. i don't know what to do i can't decide whether to take any Zoloft, go the full 50mg, go down to 25mg, or go to 50/25mg on alternating days. i just don't know.

but i do not want to end up either
--- having to take 1500mg of Depakote for another 9 months just to stay even keel, OR, as you suggest
--- rapid cycling - i have no access to Lamictal now - i had to stop it when the generics came out. the one i tried had a nasty effect and i dont' want to play guinea pig with the other generics. state healthcare does not work like US ins companies that accept letters from one's doc saying you need brand. if you need brand, you PAY for it. Lamictal is like 100 Euro a box and i'd need 2 per month, not doable. consider that for us the 15 Euro a month for my benzo's is already a "noticeable" expense.

~ waves ~

I was taking seroquel for by polar. The upper GI pulled me off it because I have barretts esophogus and it is too hard on my stomach. He instead put me on zoloft 50mgs. My depression isn't so good, I feel worse. Is this normal?I don't want to make my depression worse playing around with these medications and am a bit worried. I called my doctor about it, saying I didn't feel great but got no responce. Evidently he thinks it is still OK? I felt better on seroquel. Should I go in to dicuss this ahead of my next appt. or stick it out for another two weeks? ginnie

Dear Waves,

Here is my short note on the Zoloft.
Thursday: skipped
Friday: skipped
My suggestion until you hear from him is to take 25 mgs per day.
By doing that, you keep it in your system and stay away from the risk of mania.

Or . . . .if you heard from him, that is different. Disregard me

I don't know if this is helpful or not (or even right) but this seems safe until your appointment next week.
M

Dear Ginnie

i don't know how long you've beeen on the Zoloft but it can take up to 6 weeks to kick in. still, often there is some improvement before then... often after about 4 weeks. i would not wait another 2 weeks when you see him, i would keep calling until he calls back.

however, the drug does not work for everyone. you should keep calling, and be clear that you are feeling WORSE. this is critical information. he may choose to do any of several things including increase the dose or change the med altogether. not everyone responds well to every medication.

hang in there (((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Dear Mari

i think this is probably the most sensible thing until i hear from him. thank you for the input!

i feel sort of afraid of the stuff, but probably the fear is irrational. i don't see that 25 mg can make me manic now that my blood level is already below that range. 25 mg is a really conservative, pretherapeutic dosage. thank you for helping me screw my brain back on.

tomorrow is saturday so no telling if he will call or not. he probably didn't see the message early enough to call tonight, but there may be some other reason, in which case i might not hear from him till monday.



~ waves ~

Thank you waves. I will call again monday morning. I have been on zoloft for three weeks. I noticed that my depression is worse, and not just from having dental work. I also felt weird after stopping seroquel, then abruptly switching to zoloft, kinda mushy. I won't wait. I will call. I don't like feeling this panick kind of feeling. I have multipal health conditions and I feel like they are piling up. Feel jittery and not right. thanks ginnie

Zoloft update first:

i held off on taking my zoloft in case pdoc called.

realized i felt like total crap. it didn't help that he didn't call either.

i took my full 50mg dose again. it was like an instinctive thing. i paused to think about it, but then just ate the pill. i may just continue taking 50mg again... it will take almost a week for the plasma level to build up again anyway.

today i wanted to be dead and felt really sleepy. i could barely stay awake through poirot. i am finally conscious now, after 3 cups of coffee. but no agitation at all. i feel specifically grumpy and hypersensitive about the stuff with my dad though...............


Vent about fan event, dad in general:

sequel on that: my mom asked me to clean the fan parts so it could be put away, since "he won't touch it now that he was interrupted," like everything was my fault, and he had no responsibility in it. i told her no, that he he was being manipulative "leaving it there". (the best thing is, the person it would have bothered most, left out in pieces parts, is him. he can't stand mess! so i kinda wanted to sit it out. i could care less if the thing sat around in pieces till next summer.)

however, i decided that i could say, screw his manipulation, it's better for all of us to get the "feud" over with. i decided this could be my choice.

i gave the rest of the fan only a quick wipe down, not as thorough as i normally would, and put it back together. (i just couldn't stand the idea of putting it back together really dingy) i figured screw it if the 2 year old in the other room thinks he "won" with his passive aggression. this isn't a game, but it is stupid. still, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth sense of anger, especially with mom being all coochycoo with him and then asking me to "pick up the pieces" ... i felt ganged up on.

i feel like (and this is not very mature) the next time he does something untoward, i'd sooner let him burn the house down, saw the kitchen to pieces, or than intervene.

some of you have asked if this is about age. no. the hard head and obsessive/compulsive stuff has always been there. but i think, now that he is retired, he has a lot of time to ruminate. he sees something that bugs him, he sees it again... he ruminates, then he goes and "fixes" it in ways which in some cases have literally destroyed parts of our home. in other cases his sense of household hygiene practices is problematic. like he will wipe something off the floor with the same sponge he will later use to pat clean dishess dry. and smirk at you if you say something nicely. if you are pushy like i was, he gets really upset. i know a dingy fan is not the floor, but it's pretty close.

Anyway, the thing is now that he is retired, he has TIME... lots and LOTS MORE TIME to do stuff in the house, whereas before he didn't. he had only ONE day off a week, and would watch sports all day. Any sports. only occasionally would he "attack" something... often it was rearranging the furniture or using my mother's kitchen/household tools without permission and in ways that trashed them. eg. using expensive Fiskars sewing scissors to cut metal wires....

his (very selective) memory and distractibility have also always been there, but those have got worse with age.

ok now i feel like i have totally badmouthed my dad. maybe i'll delete this later. i needed to vent. and explain. if you got this far, thanks for listening. if you read some and skipped/skimmed, well, thanks for making the effort lol. sorry for the long post!



~ waves ~

Waves,

I can delete this later if you want.

I agree that his cleaning practices are scary. . . . also that he doesn't have to be so obnoxious about being interrupted in that he won't get back to what he was working. . . . If you were only dealing with him, you'd have a chance, but with her there, the stuff you describe is worse.
That was exactly what I would have done. I would have done that kind of cleaning job without feeling bad about it. The heck with it. It counts as done and it is out of the way.

(I'm thinking for a second about my hubby, my sister's husband, my friend's brother -- all three of those men stink about getting "interrupted" and then not getting back to the project.
My hubby has a weird sense of what is clean and what is not clean. He uses a sponge long after it should be used. He also considers his cutting board a clean surface. It's mostly clean because he washes often, but when I am in the kitchen by myself I use a different work surface because it is not all that clean. He is super clean when he handles raw meat. That's important. I'm happy about that.

I'm remembering things that tdoc tells me.
In regards to my parents, she suggested that I tell them about a certain need. I told her I would not ask them to do this little thing for them and huge them for me because the consequences could be big when they say no. Tdoc kind of told me that if my need is that great than the heck with the consequences. She has pushed about this more than once -- that I could ask at least because I might get what I need.

Yep. Keep venting if it helps you. I get what you are saying.

I agree with the Zoloft dose. You were at 25 for Thursday and Friday. Sat you made an instinctive decision and took 50. I hope you will be fine soon so that you get benefits from Zoloft.

Does he have some ADHD? The scissors reminds me of that. It's ok to grab any tool of anyone else. Maybe it is more about inconsideration.

M