i don't think we are there to entertain the therapist. Nor are they there to entertain us. what do they say that insight doesn't help. my therapist often tells me that my thoughts are normal. that makes me feel better. she reinforces that it is hard growing older and growing older comes with a lot of fears. that makes me feel better. It seems as if i want to get myself. does the klonopin help your anxiety? I am so sorry about your dreams. Occasionally i have a bad one and then i am afraid of going to sleep.do they ever affect you that way. have you ever tried to interact with your dreams? I don't know what sort of bad dreams you have. do you think you could find a therapist who could help interpret your dreams and maybe get rid of some of your anxiety?
I am still sort of shocked by Mark's death. He was so vital. Then i look around the table and realize most of the members are well up there in years. They don't act like old people. Most don't even have house cleaners.......amazing.
this weekend my neighbor who is swedish had me over to see an early bergman film summer with monica...it just came out on a cd. it was haunting and already showed Bergman's trademarks.
bobby

Dear Bobby.

i'm so sorry to hear about Mark. thank goodness he did not suffer long, but wish he could still be around. i feel certain he was glad you visited and listened. you know how to listen. i think the response was fine.

i wish you could be less depressed. how mundane is that to say. oh well.

i do the same thing during sessions. i brighten up. part of it is i am glad to see my pdoc (he is my tdoc). he is intelligent and i can talk to him about things i can't talk to others about. often we just chat for a while. he made a pun today and i told him i love those things and not everybody gets them. all my friends did. my dad does but my mom doesn't even though she is great with words.

i guess with my pdoc it's almost sad - it's almost like a surrogate friend thing - sad that i rely on a surrogate for lack of the real thing. however, i also brighten up around other people - even when interacting with strangers. i like to be nice to people and i like when someone smiles or seems to feel better than they did before. so i think that brightening up that we do is natural. it is a social thing. when i am profoundly depressed sometimes i am non reactive and i do not brighten up much. today i was in a kicking cans mood before i saw pdoc. some guys on the street gave me the eye and i gave them a black stare and a sort of "drop dead, idiot" look. they did not drop dead but they did look away. so much for being nice to peole huh. but hey, i'm not into sleazy looks.

weird dreams indeed. makes me wonder did you have sushi for dinner at a mall with cecilia who walks dogs. and had indigestion. how stupid is that to say. i am tired. i should get off here and quit with my nonsense.

so sorry about Mark. really i came to say that. sending hugs

love
waves

Dear Bobby,

Your description of your therapist here sounds good. Are you most disappointed that you cannot work with dreams with her and cannot work on trauma with her? Are the other aspects of therapy mostly good?

I do that with everyone.
Also, I think that those of us who teach have some acting skills that we have developed and we kind of play to the audience.

Tdoc and I spent a few years doing hypnosis. We sort of took a break from that because I needed major coping help when work was crazy for a few years. I told her I would like to do hypnosis for relaxation and other stuff the next time I see her. She is very very good with that.

My dreams are less terrifying than they used to be because the Klonopin helps. Mostly I have spent years successfully learning not to remember them. Last night weirdly enough I did remember my dream. It was not exactly "terrifying" but it was "scary." I do not want to do dream work with anyone although I can understand how that kind of therapy could be very productive for someone else.
My bad dreams have contributed to my fear of sleep.

I had a film teacher in college who showed us several Bergman films.
I guess people go to the center to stay vibrant and connected to other people.

M

Hi Mari
People do go to the center to stay connected and to get out of their apartments. there are all kinds of people there. my neighbor marvels at how much money some people have and dont think it is fair for them to take advantage of the club. they are lonely too.
I am glad your dreams are getting better. I think Jung wrote that dreams lose their power when one analyzes them. I like my therapist and i guess i do get something out of the visits but i wish there were more depth to them. she doesn't understand my depression or else she does but knows there is nothing she can do about it.
do you think you would do more hypnosis in the future?
bobby

dear waves
i sort of brighten up among some people too...in the midst of my deep depressions i don't usually leave my apartment thought but i guess basically we are social creatures. you are so bright and probably so is your tdoc that is probably the reason why you relate so well. too bad he can't be your real friend but then you would have to seek out and find another therapist.
I didn't visit Mark while he was in the hospice. after he died i tried to communicate with him and tell him why i couldn't visit and hoped he understood. i still feel badly about it.
i walked eight blocks today and wound up in a cold sweat. I am still trying to make a decision about a problem that is bothering me.ignorance is bliss.
more weird dreams....
love
bobby

Bobby,

Tdoc is very good at hypnosis. I do not know who much she does because i can hear talking through the walls (not exact words --- just talking) in the waiting room. They do not seem to be doing hypnosis, but I know that it is something she likes to do and that she is good at it.
I have benefitted but end up spending time in the session dealing with whatever crisis I am having instead. Now that life is calm, we can do hypnosis.

M

dear bobby, maybe you could write a letter to him and jsut read it aloud...or burn it after you have read it.I am glad you tried to communicate with him...
Dear Mari, I am glad it is summer for you....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi